The fog is lifting...

It's not completely gone,, but I can see the light,, and it's guiding the path I need to be on.

My sweet baby girl and I went on a 12 hour drive to visit my parental units in Alberta, Canada, for one week.

Those that know her and I, know that we are ALOT alike,, like scary alot!, We are both outspoken, yes I taught her that, stubborn, she gets that from her dad,, I am far from stubborn, and we can both be VERY VERY LOUD!  And I wouldn't change a thing... except for the fact that we butt heads,,, alot.  ALL THE TIME.  She was my rock when I went through my divorce 21 years ago,, that's a lot of pressure to put on a 1 year old.  She made me smile, I loved seeing the world through her eyes, and the things she taught me, I can never repay her for.  Then she hit the teen years, and tried to spread her wings, but I clipped those puppy's rather quickly.  Looking back now, there are things I did, that I would do differently, *don't we all feel that way?*, however, she always got straight A's, her own personal challenge, not mine, and she graduated early from high school with advanced honors.  She moved out when she was 17 and graduated from high school, and that is when we really started butting heads, *as I remember it, she may remember it differently, kids usually do!* We argued over things that didn't matter, but we both are stubborn, and what young adult doesn't think their parents know nothing.  Todd was our buffer.  We would yell and scream at each other, and she would go to her dad, vent, and he would come to me, and help me see where I was wrong,, I wasn't always, but when I was HE was the one who showed me,, and when I wasn't, he was the one that would make me see what mattered more, who was right, or who was loved.... if that makes sense.  (I remember one time her and I were yelling at each other, I can't remember what about,, but she called her dad and said "DAD, you need to get home and control your wife, she's nuts!,, he chuckled when he told me, then promptly told me to calm down,, haha)  Make no mistake, I love this lady more than words can say,, I just raised her to be a strong independent woman, although I should've been more specific as to who to be strong around,, ;-)

So you can see the apprehension we both had at the thought of being alone together, in a car, for 12 hours, then with my parental units for 7 days, then back in the car, assuming we hadn't killed each other first, for another 12 hours.  We had a prayer before we got into the car and began our journey, and we were off!!!!...

Can I tell you I have not laughed so hard in such a long time?  Just when I didn't think I could love this girl any more than I already do.  We laughed the entire 101/2 hours up to my parents house. Yea, we made excellent time!!!!  It didn't feel like we had been in the car that long at all. We joked with each other, we talked, we laughed, I think we even cried once together.  We let our love for each other come out uninhibited, we let it flow freely for each other., we didn't judge, we didn't criticize, we simply loved each other.  We both got to do what we wanted up there without the other one getting upset, as has happened in the past.  We visited with my parents, our friends, visited with memories from us being there as a family.  I think, I HOPE,  for the first time in a very long time, I let my little girl be just that, a little girl *only she's not any more*, I  let her lean on me, I hope I showed her how much she is loved.  There are no words to describe how I feel towards her...

We got home on Sunday night, and she continued onto her home.  I cried.  I cried as she drove away, my heart wanted to jump out of my body and grab her and hug her one more time and not let her go.  I cried as I walked into the house, which I totally expected, but I realized I was crying for reasons I wasn't expecting... I expected to be sad and lonely and cry for those reasons, and as I crawled into bed that night, after saying my prayers, I realized I had shed tears because of how free I felt, how at peace I felt, how incredibly loved I felt by my own child that I was scared I had pushed away through my own grief.

I'm not sure why it happened,but I feel like the fog has lifted. Someone pointed this out to me today at work, there's a sparkle in my eyes,  I feel better, I look better, rested, like I can take on the world,, *Please dear Lord, do NOT see that as a challenge for this meek and humbled servant!*,   And there is guilt over not being in bed, and being the blubbering mourning widow everyone thinks I need to be...

I am allowed to be happy, I am allowed to move on, I am allowed to mourn, I am allowed to love one man while falling in love with another, *For the love of ME DO NOT read too much into that there is no man I am falling in love with at the time of this blog post!!!!* I am allowed to be a widow, I am allowed to laugh, to cry, to not have my every waking thought be of what is waiting for me on the other side of the veil.  I am allowed to go an entire day without tears, *rarely happens but still,, I am allowed*, I am allowed to live and be loved.

What I battle with now, is the guilt, the guilt of not being sad daily, of not crying, of loving the hope that I feel in my heart,,,

There are still going to be hard days ahead, days where I dont want to face the world, or my reality!, But I will.... I will because I know.  I KNOW what matters.

Love.....

Cousins! Family is what matters!  these two beauties drove 12 hours, to spend a few hours with their older beautiful cousin!  

me and my sweet cousin Susan, I love her!

playin with mum's phone yo!

On our way!

My girlfriend from 40+ years ago! Lisa Ursenbach!  Can't wait to see you in September!

 this lady and I have been through so freaking much together and I thank God every day she is still in my life!!!  Kristi Parker

I didn't take nearly enough pictures,,, Ranae Hatch, you are on my radar for next time, and Mum and Dad, I will get you this week!!!  *for some reason, I struggle with taking pictures now, not sure why,,,, I guess I hope if I don't capture the memory I will be able to make new ones with the same people???"

Heading home,...

It's that time of year again, has been for awhile, where we pack up clothes and whatever electronic devises we CANNOT live without and head out for a much needed holiday.  

Our oldest, Kenzie and I are headed up to Canada for a few days of much needed R&R. 

 Usually, no not usually, In The Past, when there is something big like this happening, I am ubber excited and call my parental units daily to count down how many more sleeps..  This time,, it is forced.  Don't get me wrong, I am excited to go have my Mum look after me for a week,.. I am excited to be able to hug my Dad, see friends I haven't seen in months... I am not excited to have people ask me what happened.  To travel so far without my eternal sidekick, to be there without my baby boy who made me laugh so freaking hard and drove my parents nuts with how much I spoiled him. *admitting it is half the problem and I'd do it all again if I could*

Last time I was up there was just after the funerals, and everywhere I went there were reminders that slapped me in the face that I was alone.  I can handle the expected reminders,, the walking into my house, the getting into my car, the waking up, the going to sleep...  I expect and can prep myself emotionally for those...  the last couple days however, all I seem to focus on is the egg nog I had to put back on the shelf in January because the thought of drinking it alone, without my pickiest eater drinking it with me and feeling like he was heaven, was too much.  I did not expect that.  

I am content to sit at home, where nothing unexpected can slap me in the face, where I am safe from outside triggers.  I get that you can't understand it unless you have gone through it,, I get it. As hard as I try to move forward, I truly feel safest in doors.  

I have family that is ready to make new memories to honor their dad & brother, son & grandson, Brother & nephew,,Uncle & cousin,,  I am scared to death of taking that first step.  I tried, I immersed myself in fun singles activities for the last 4-5 months, bowling, movie nights,, dinners,,, and something suddenly hit me,, and it hit hard.  The grief I was working so hard at avoiding slapped me down, and it hit hard! 

 I miss them,, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY,, EVERY SINGLE HOUR,, EVERY, SINGLE, SECOND.  I troll facebook and see all our friends getting their boys ready for their first scout camp and it brings tears to my eyes,,, Levi was so excited to go to camp.  He loved Scouts and made it his goal to get his Eagle Award before he turned 16... well done son... you did it!  Summer Spence,,, I miss our BOY!!!!

Maybe, just maybe I can get through this trip with my sweet girl by my side. Maybe my anxiety of  driving through mountains and past huge drops with subside, or the anxiety of saying the wrong thing with the wrong intonation will go away, that is what I am praying for... that we won't kill each other as we are together in the car for 12 hours... that we will love and support each other as we have over the last 6 months,, *I know it's been 7,, the 1st one doesn't count*, I truly can not wait to laugh with her, to joke, to reminisce, to make new memories.  It scares the crap out of me, but I can't wait to do it... I hope she will hold my hand as we go out and I face these triggers, whatever they may be... and let me know it will be ok.  There is one else I would rather take this trip with then her, she was the very first person to steal my heart, and she still holds it in her hand! So be gentle my dear,,, it's kinda tattered.  <3. 

I feel like I am rambling at this point, so if you're still with me, you truly do love me!! Thanks!

Right now,, Christmas is on my mind,, 24 more fridays until Christmas, and I could care less...  I worry, I worry about saying something or not saying the right thing and upsetting one of my kids, I am already having anxiety attacks over putting up the tree, buying presents, hell let's be honest, I am worried about waking up Christmas morning...  In the Past, I would be all over it, shopping, getting excited, bugging Todd to let me put the tree up in October,, it became a tradition of our to banter about whether or not the tree was going up that early.. I should've just left it up last year dang it,,, Levi decorated it.. should've let it be.  

I am trying.... and that is the best I can offer all of you right now.  I want nothing more than to be able to wake up and be happy, to be able to fall asleep knowing that every one in my family is sleeping and dreaming happy dreams, to be able to walk out the door and know that everything will be the same as when I left.... because if I hadn't left the house that day,, every thing SHOULD have been the same,,, but I did, and I came back to something completely different, something I didn't ask for, but I agreed to.  So please bear with me,, have patience and try to understand that if I say no to coming to visit you it does NOT mean I don't want you to come visit me.  It just means that I need my parental bubble, and you are more than welcome to come see us.  

Please, I know you are sorry, please just don't tell me you are sorry,,, don't ask me how I am holding up,, tell me you love me and give me a hug and lets talk about your family, or memories of when we lived there... it's not that I don't want to talk about it, I do,, I love talking about the love of my life and the baby I never thought I would be blessed to have... or how much our kids have grown and how gorgeous our daughters are,, ask about my missionary,,, he's awesome too!!!  And for the love of Peter, DO NOT ask how I am doing this, because I do not know!! (sorry if this sounds harsh, I never did have a filter! lol)

Life is too short to not smile...

Believe it or not, most days are great!

Most days I am able to get up and put on my happy pants, and my killer heels, which lets face it, A great day can totally flip if you're wearing the wrong shoes!,

You know I'm right! I would say about 90% of my days are good.  About 60% of my days start out good and end with tears still falling, and that's ok!  They are getting fewer and further between.   Some of the things that make me smile...

1. starting my day with prayer, always without fail puts a smile on my face.  I know when I put on my 'armour' I can and will conquer every hill put in my path.

2. scripture reading, and I am not talking just the Book of Mormon, I am talking all inspirational uplifting reading..

3. random love videos on Facebook,, like  this one... There are good people out there,,  https://www.facebook.com/Britentj  the video is on my timeline

4. random umprompted messages from people I hold near and dear to my heart,,,, like this one:

This young lady has called me Auntie for over 15 years.  I am not her blood aunt, and she knows it,, but she also knows how very much I love her and her 5 sisters, and  upteen add on siblings!  *I hate the word step-*

I love you auntie! Just wanted to tell you.

5. Do I need a 5? Texts from my kidlets telling me they love me.

That is the start of my list,, I just wanted to let you know that it truly is the little things that matter most. Who cares if you've seen a million caterpillars,, this one is the one the person who looks to you as her hero wants to show you, SO GO LOOK AT IT!

Clothes wash, jump in the puddles,, mud comes off, roll around in it... teach them that it's ok to have fun, it's ok to be a kid, and even their heros can be kid like and have fun, and get dirty!!!

JUST DO IT! Don't put them off. Put down your phone, let them know they matter, whether they are 1, 2, 4, 16, or 43... let that person who is taking time out of their day to talk to you know they matter more than facebook, instagram, and whatever the heck else is out there. Please, I beg you, don't put it off, you could be the difference between someone smiling or crying......

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT SPLASH IN THE TUB!

So thank you to my sweet niece who took the time out of her crazy, hectic, wrangling three kids under 4, *I think* to type 8 little words to me.

Thank you to the sweet girl who shared that video with her mother in law that I am friends with, therefore I could see it and have it brighten my day!

Thank you.... for being my difference!!!

It will never pass

I know people mean well, there are just certain things one gets so tired of hearing,,,

"hang in there, it'll get easier,, you are so strong, I don't know how you do it, this shall pass," there are others, I think I have just blocked them out for ease of survival.

Here are my responses to each of these:

I can do nothing BUT hang in there, and FYI, that thread I am hanging onto could snap at any given time.

No it won't get easier! EVER!  the pain may subside a little, I hear the tears eventually stop, but there will always be triggers, and days where I just want to cry.  So if that is what you mean by "it'll get easier" then ok I guess it will

I am not strong.  I feel like the most vulnerable creature on this planet, my emotions are at an all time peak, and I cry at absolutely anything.  I upset a very close friend recently, unintentionally, and every time I think about it I start crying.  The absolute last thing I want to do is hurt any of my friends, or give them reason to be angry with me.  So I am not strong,, I am just a weak human being, trying to figure this all out.

How do I do it?  I have no clue. I wake up, I get up, and like a robot I do what needs to be done, so I can fall exhausted into bed and pray sleep will come,, beautiful dreamless sleep!. That is how I do it. I am living groundhog day over and over and every time I try to mix it up a little I get myself in trouble.  So I am just going to keep living groundhog day if that's ok with everyone.

This will NEVER pass.  I will carry this with me every single day until I get to be in my husband's arms and hear his sweet voice again.  Even if I do find someone to share this life with, I will always ache for him and my son.

I worry daily.  About my kids, about my missionary coming home to just me.  About being a burden to anyone, whining too much, crying too much, not being happy enough, not being good enough, not being all those things y'all tell me I am on a daily basis.

No one wants the tears to stop more than I do.  No one wants to turn back the clock more than I do.  I miss them,, I miss every single thing, every single day!

please just know I am trying, I am doing the best I absolutely can at this point.  There is absolutely nothing normal about my life, then again when have I ever been normal??

Thank you to all of you for your patience and love, and patience, and love, and....


*sigh* I miss the old me. And I am trying to figure out this new one...