It will never pass

I know people mean well, there are just certain things one gets so tired of hearing,,,

"hang in there, it'll get easier,, you are so strong, I don't know how you do it, this shall pass," there are others, I think I have just blocked them out for ease of survival.

Here are my responses to each of these:

I can do nothing BUT hang in there, and FYI, that thread I am hanging onto could snap at any given time.

No it won't get easier! EVER!  the pain may subside a little, I hear the tears eventually stop, but there will always be triggers, and days where I just want to cry.  So if that is what you mean by "it'll get easier" then ok I guess it will

I am not strong.  I feel like the most vulnerable creature on this planet, my emotions are at an all time peak, and I cry at absolutely anything.  I upset a very close friend recently, unintentionally, and every time I think about it I start crying.  The absolute last thing I want to do is hurt any of my friends, or give them reason to be angry with me.  So I am not strong,, I am just a weak human being, trying to figure this all out.

How do I do it?  I have no clue. I wake up, I get up, and like a robot I do what needs to be done, so I can fall exhausted into bed and pray sleep will come,, beautiful dreamless sleep!. That is how I do it. I am living groundhog day over and over and every time I try to mix it up a little I get myself in trouble.  So I am just going to keep living groundhog day if that's ok with everyone.

This will NEVER pass.  I will carry this with me every single day until I get to be in my husband's arms and hear his sweet voice again.  Even if I do find someone to share this life with, I will always ache for him and my son.

I worry daily.  About my kids, about my missionary coming home to just me.  About being a burden to anyone, whining too much, crying too much, not being happy enough, not being good enough, not being all those things y'all tell me I am on a daily basis.

No one wants the tears to stop more than I do.  No one wants to turn back the clock more than I do.  I miss them,, I miss every single thing, every single day!

please just know I am trying, I am doing the best I absolutely can at this point.  There is absolutely nothing normal about my life, then again when have I ever been normal??

Thank you to all of you for your patience and love, and patience, and love, and....


*sigh* I miss the old me. And I am trying to figure out this new one...