The best we can, that is all we can do. And we all do it different ways, for some, a therapist is fantastic, for others, being up in the mountains, for others still, getting together with friends. The list goes on and on with different ways we deal with life and the keeping ons that we keep on keeping on. Move forward, grow, progress, help each other.. that’s our ultimate goal is it not?
I posted this link on my facebook account,, because, well,, it's been a rough week. http://www.songhanhphuc.org/what-it-means-to-be-a-strong-woman-with-high-functioning-depression/
And someone actually commented: "Come on! Who doesn't battle this? It's called life! It's really hard! Get up, suck it up! And tackle the day!"
Ummmmm,,, *blink* excuse me? Do you really think I enjoy thinking of ways to stop my pain? That I enjoy constantly feeling a void in my life, like something is missing, no matter what I do to fill it, it remains empty.. Suck it up??? Is that not what I am doing every single day?? I am breathing, and some days that is all I can do, as I have to remind myself to breath. *As I slink back into my safe place where I can't upset anyone*
I have had depression all of my life, and got diagnosed in 1995, after my first child was born,, I remember freaking out over literally, spilled milk,, and my daughter standing there in tears, OVER MILK!! OK,, time to get a grip Rhonda,,, I went to the dr. and we talked,, and realized I have depression. I was so embarrassed,, what Mom can't not yell at her kids? I started my meds and sure enough, I because the Mom I knew I was supposed to be, one that didn't freak out over spilled milk. So depression has been part of my life as long as I can remember,,
Having said that,,,
I have never been one to struggle with living,, until recently. Thoughts of suicide were the last thing on my mind,,,However,, Because depression is clearly not enough for me to deal with,, PTSD and Anxiety was added to the mix in Dec. 2014
I remember that night my life completely changed, I avoided the garage,because it would be too easy,, I had thoughts of just driving off a cliff, and honestly didn't because I didn't want to be on life support,, I just wanted to be dead.. and that was not a guarantee,,,, but oh how I wanted to just close my eyes and not wake up from this nightmare, it is a thought that is continuously in the back of my mind, on a daily basis. One I don't give much attention to, because honestly, I have so much to live for!! It is a struggle, not every day, most days are better than others, but some days,, some days it takes all I have to get out of bed, to even open my eyes,, and this last week has been one of those days.... Usually when I am struggling I reach out to Kenz, or my Mum, or Tom,, someone, and vocalize how I am feeling, so they are aware, and I make sure and reach out to my dr. but this time I didn't,, I tried to deal with it on my own,, and it dawned on me about Wednesday, that I had forgotten to take my meds for the last 5 days,, which would stand to reason as to why the TINEST thing was setting me off.. I didn't want to be around people, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to be awake, I didn't want to be touched, I didnt want.....
and I cried, more than normal,, Poor Tom was at a loss as to what was happening, because this is not who I am,, "normally"
When it hit me that I had forgotten to take my medication, I immediately told Tom, and bless him, he just nodded,, didn't chastise me,, didn't belittle me or make me feel like a dork for forgetting,, we were busy playing and went to bed way late,, thus the forgetting,... I was cleaning out my closet and my shoes, because I can't wear my heels any more, and saw these,, Levi's church shoes,, he put them there, on my shoe rack, so he could find them easily on sunday mornings,, I can't take them off,,and I was telling Tom how empty my shoe rack was, and said "I am almost ready to sell the shoe rack, but levi's shoes,,*que tears* and all Tom did was say,, THEN DON"T! You don't have to,, leave them there as long as you want.
I used to never be home, I loved strolling through the mall, being on the go,, Ask my Mum,, it drove her nuts, she could never call because I was never home!! Now,, I drive to work and home, that is it,, The thought of going to a Mall causes such a pit in my stomach, I want to throw up,, The thought of being around people and having to be pleasant at a house party,, nope,, don't wanna do it..
When we go out, Tom drives,, I hate being in my car,, I love my car,, I hate being in it,, I drive to work and home, and a dr appointment if needed, it is when I am in the car alone that I have those thoughts of driving off a cliff, so I either crank up my music and sing along, or I call my kids, or my Mum, or Tom,, I am getting better and am able now to get groceries, but I need a list and a time frame, if I am alone..
Does any of that sound like the Rhonda you all knew years ago?
IT is a daily struggle, some days are easier than other,, but when I feel like I am being judged and told to suck it up, I quickly want to pull back into my shell, and ask myself why do I bother? Then I look at this... and I remember why I bother,
Can we please quit judging,, can we please just love everyone,, Every single one of us has a story,,, and none of us wants someone elses story,, I know I can handle my story,, I know I don't want to handle the lady's story who is going through a divorce and feels completely alone, I don't want the story of the family who's son simply vanished 3 years ago, and now his parents are divorced.. I don't know how they do it,, and I don't need to,, it's not my business,, all I need to do is love,, all WE need to do is love,,,
SO just stop! Stop judging,, stop being so quick to say suck it up and deal, because honestly,, that is what we are each doing every single day!!
<3
