Learning to walk

*seriously,, these ramble sessions are more for my benefit than yours,,,, I can't keep a thought straight in my head so the following post is going in a million different directions,, good luck*


I feel like a toddler,,, younger than a toddler actually,, I feel like an 12 month old learning to walk.  Everything takes so much effort right now, even breathing... every once in a while I have to think to myself,, BREATHE IN!, Exhale! Breathe in,, EXHALE!.  Things that used to come so naturally,,, take the greatest effort.  My smile feels plastic, forced,, fake.

I didn't even feel this helpless when I was a single parent with two kids... I just did it then,,, I don't know how to be a WIDOW.

I am at my parents house for a few weeks, trying to figure out how I am supposed to survive this new reality, although I have to say, as long as I stay in their house, I do pretty damm awesome at avoiding facing it.  It's when I step outside, into the literal coldness that reality hits.  I look outside the window and watch the snow fall silently from the sky and all I can think is,,, I have a young boy who would love nothing more than to stomp right through that virgin snow in Papa's backyard and make snowangels all day long, have a snowball fight with whomever was brave enough, usually it was his Dad,  to face the frozen air to make memories with this boy.

But I don't have him,or him, they are  home, where they are supposed to be, with our Father in Heaven, doing what He needed those two to do.  AND I MISS THEM!  I miss their smile, I miss his mischievousness, his smart mouth, his laughter, the twinkle in his eye,, OH HOW I MISS THEM BOTH!  My arms ache to hold him,, my ears ache to hear him and his Dad laugh hysterically as they plot out how to "get mum".

We went into Lethbridge today, and I remember whispering to my Mum, "will I ever be able to go into a store and not leave in tears because I see something that reminds me of my boys?"  her response, "not for awhile I'm afraid".  I tried on the sweetest pair of heels today, and thought, 'OMG He will Love THESE!, and I put them back on the shelf, and walked out empty handed...before anyone saw the tears well up in my eyes.  I walked into a store today and saw the BIGGEST collection of DR. WHO memorabilia I have ever seen, I could've stood there all day just staring at it,, seriously!!!  I can't even look at the kids department anymore,, why bother.... I saw a sweater at costco and immediately thought, Todd would love this!,, that's when I turned to my mum and asked if I would ever be able to shop again......

Todd's parents are taking us, the kids, on a cruise at the end of the month, and I am so scared to go.  Don't get me wrong,, I absolutely adore my inlaws,, all of them,, I seriously have the best inlaws in the entire world,  This was something Todd and I were so excited to do together, with his family.  How do I get on that plane, that ship without him?  *my thoughts are so jumbled right now*,, How do I enjoy and have fun without the one person in the entire world that fully completed who I am?
How do I do this when getting out of the house completely drains me?  *no I am not offering up my ticket!!!!* I am still looking forward to it, I just don't know how to do it.

I don't know how to do any of this.

 So, when you ask me what you can do to help, here is my response, come sit with me, hug me, laugh with me, walk with me down my  path of memories, let me cry,, let me laugh, let me sit in silence as I enjoy knowing I am not alone, just let me....

 Please don't tell me it will get easier, or it will be ok,, it will never be ok.... It will be tolerable, and I will learn to live and navigate through this, but it will never be ok,, don't tell me to remember my faith, my faith is strong, I believe in life after death and I know I will see and be reunited with my sweet husband and son and other loved ones again.  NOTHING will ever shake that!! I know what I believe is true.  This hole in my heart is also true.. and NOTHING will ever fill it.

 You don't have to say anything at all,,, really,, because I know you are sorry, I know you worry about me, please just be my friend, don't leave me alone, but don't push.  Let me know you are there, or here, bring kleenex.  Come sit with me, go for a walk with me, don't be upset if I don't want to talk, look at pictures with me,

Don't be shocked when I make jokes about the widow Johnson, or how the position of marital partner is now open,, if you know me at all you know this is how I deal with stress,, humor.
Don't look at me with pity, look at me with love,, don't tell me you know what I am going through, but empathize with me,

I will continue to wake up every morning, breathe in, and breathe out, put my feet on the floor and move forward, through this pain that has my heart in its grips, through the agony, through the fear, the sorrow, and the tears\, just please walk beside me, hold my hand and let me know you are there.

Dill Chips and Eggnog

Everywhere I look I see memories, I can't escape them.  They are all encompassing. I see the snow covered mountains and tears fill my eyes as I remember how excited we all were to have a white Christmas, to feel the cold wind chaff your cheeks and you sped down a hillside on your crazy carpet sled you couldn't wait to get, the excitement on your face when your dad said he would pull you around the neighborhood with his jazzy,,, the glee in his eye at the ease in which you were happy.  

I walk into our bedroom, and what once felt crowded now feels enormously empty, the spot where you once laid your head, is now mine, and the smell is fading,, smells fade way to fast. Your cologne that was for special occasions, sits where you left it,, I spray my clothes when the days are hard, your soap in the shower,, I hold it to my nose, as the hot water washes my tears.  I'm so scared it will dissolve I keep it on the highest shelf in our shower so water doesn't melt it.

I dread the nightfall, that's when the events of that night play over and over in my mind.  The darkness that veiled the road, the lack of stars, the eerie silence,,, the spirit quietly whispering in my ear as I drove home from work,,, how I couldn't seem to get home fast enough,, before I even "knew". I drove around the accident, thinking how sad it was that something had to happen this time of year, little did I know,,,,, and yet I knew.  

I was walking through a store today with my mum and saw dill pickles on a shelf and tears filled my eyes as I let the memory of you asking for dill chips, and me thinking you wanted potato chips, flood my mind.  The all to familiar numbness came over me as I continued through the store,,,, eggnog, I see eggnog for 30% off and I grab a carton thinking What a great surprise it will be for Levi,,, I carry it about 20 feet before reality hits me, I slowly turn and put it back on the shelf, wondering if I will ever enjoy eggnog again, or dill pickle chips without crying, or feeling nauseous.  

Sleep is unrestful, when it does decide to invade my space.  I dream of you both, the memories are nonstop when I sleep,, if you can call it that.  I wake up anxious to push these to the back of my mind. I crochet until my wrist hurts because when. I crochet I count,,, my mind is busy, concentrating as best it can.

My eyes hurt,, they long to release tears that on,y seem to come in spurts.  My arms ache to hold you both, my ears long to hear your laughter.  I am at a loss as to what to do and how to live.  

I guess I will just keep putting my feet on the floor every morning, breath in and out, and pray,, for guidance through this new life, for peace to remain in my heart, for the comforter to stay by my side, to be my constant companion, for prayer to be in my heart and for dill chips and eggnog to taste good again,,,,  one day.

Christmas 2014

*editors note,, this is a venting session, a place where I can put my thoughts together and somehow let some of the pain escape,, I am in no way looking for sympathy*

It's my most favorite time of year.  The glistening decorations, the music, the love that we show one another......  Christmas!!

As I was walking through a store yesterday with my mum looking at all the glorious decorations, tears welled up in my eyes and I whispered in her ear,,, "it will never be the same will it?" 

I find myself lacking the enthusiasm to wrap presents this year, to celebrate.  I feel like I am living groundhog day over and over and the tape isn't even skipping. 

I am completely overwhelmed by the love and support of all of our friends, family and community!  The outpouring of love, the sweet tender mercies that I see every where I turn.  I have no words to express my gratitude and appreciation for all of it.  The hole in my heart is still there.  And it will be for the rest of my earthly life.  My arms ache to hold my husband close, my forehead aches to feel one last kiss from my baby boy who was trying so very hard to be a man.  I walk through stores and think how am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life? I wonder if the tears will ever stop, if the ache will ever lessen,,  I never thought I would be a widow at 42, *a word that is so very hard to say* and I never dreamt I would be burying my baby at 11 1/2 yrs old.  They were my entire reason for getting up in the morning.

My husband was AMAZING!!!   the way he made me feel, I was THE most important person to him in the entire world.   He loved me so much, and he let every single person he met know exactly that.  I was his sweets!  I was all that mattered.  He took such good care of me, that I think I have forgotten how to take care of myself.  He was my rock,, my mediator, my helpmate, my ego boost, he held me in the highest regard, nothing else mattered to him except my happiness.

Our baby boy, was the spitting image of his daddy.  He loved being the center of attention.  He also loved being alone to create impressive lego structures!!  He knew when I needed a hug, or a kiss or even just a sweet smile.   He greeted me with a HUGE "HI MUM" every day I came home from work,,,  being ever so alert to hear the garage door open so he could open my car door when I pulled in.  He loved telling me about his days, and what he and his dad had done that day,, or how his dad had told him no on something and how unfair that was. 

How I love for those days again.  What would I give to hear my husbands dialysis machine annoyingly beep loudly, letting us know he had rolled onto the tube accidentally, to hear levi stomp down the stairs to his room because we wouldn't give him just $10 for that awesome bionicle on Ebay. 

The tears keep coming,,, no words can stop them.  No amount of normalcy can or will close the hole in my heart.

 And then I see a picture of my Savior embracing a weeping woman and I think,,, That's me, He's got this.

My faith has grown by leaps and bounds throughout these past 10 days.  *10 days,,, it's only been 10 days*   The gifts, the hugs, the outpouring of love from a community we have barely moved into,, the tender mercies all over the place... the way everything just fell into place, I know that my Father in Heaven has a plan. 

So I will continue to get up every morning, breathe in and out, as I plant my feet firmly on the ground.  I will continue to wipe the tears from my eyes, as I go throughout this new life of mine, they will lessen I am sure,  I will continue to look for the tender mercies that surround us, I will return hugs just a little bit tighter and a little bit longer so there is no doubt of my love for you, I will pray a little longer and sing a little louder, and I will continue to have faith in the wonderful Plan of Salvation.