When asked what we want for Christmas, the grown up in us usually answers with something like "world peace".. or I want my kids to get a long, a happy season with family.. and the list goes on and on, all sounding the same.
This year is no different. I wished for happiness for my babies and their spouses, for peace in my heart, and for a home filled with love. Above all, I wanted to just enjoy the holiday. For this year, I wanted happy memories, I wished for the hole in my heart to close just a little more, not forgetting, just not aching as in years past.
And that is what I have been blessed with! Kenz and I talked and she told me she was taking facebook off her phone for the month,, again not to forget her Dad and brother, but to remember the happiness and not that horrid day,, I followed suit and took it off my phone. What a blessing it has been!! The 13th of December came and went, I called my kidlets and told them I loved them, and worked. My work sent me flowers to let me know they were thinking of me, and that is when I cried!, the thought that some people who have never met my guys have been touched by them. It's very surreal.
We went to St George for the weekend on the 20th of December, and had an early Christmas with my kids. We went to see Aquaman on Friday, ice skating on Saturday, the Live Nativity Saturday night, and then we opened presents. Man my kids spoil us!! Kenz and Jeff made a beautiful scrabble board with all our names on it, our entire families,, Including their dad and Levi, and Tom's kids. I love that they have accepted Tom as family and welcomed all of them into our lives. Jake and Emily put together the cutest date night box for Tom and I,, complete with chocolate tasting and crafts.. seriously love that they all put so much thought into their gifts for us. We gave Emily a blanket she can wear, that girl loves blankets, Jake got a Chewie Build a bear and star wars mugs for both of them. Kenz got a homemade sign with the nicknames she and Jeff gave each other in highschool.
We got home Sunday, and I was off on monday, so I cooked a turkey, ham and scalloped taters, for dinner, after dinner we opened presents, being as I had to work Christmas day, and let's be honest, the kids are not 10,, and getting them up in the mornings just suck!! lol Tom overcompensated for forgetting jammies for me last year and bought me two pairs of jammies,, bless his heart! lol He also bought me a utah utes shirt, a concealed carry purse for my 9mm that I got as well!!!
It's been a quiet month, one for reflecting on what is important, and what really matters. We took a few minutes and remembered those we have loved and love still that have passed on. It's been a year of moving forward. The first year was hard,, the second year, sucked,, just sucked,, the third year I was numb and this year, I feel like me again. The one who loves Christmas, who had every reason in the world to celebrate the love and birth of our Saviour. Thank you for all your love and support, and continued friendship.
May the true spirit of Christmas fill your home and your hearts for all of 2019.
And God bless us, everyone <3 <3 <3
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Sunday, December 2, 2018
The world just keeps going
Even when your world stops abruptly, the earth just keeps going, people go about their daily lives, with no idea what is going to happen in the next second....
So much has happened since I last blogged,, Thomas, Tom’s oldest, got married in October. November was quite, we celebrated Thanksgiving and worked.. haha adulting sucks sometimes!
I can’tt remember all that has happened to be honest. I did get a promotion at work,became certified in Education and was able to travel to Massachusetts for work, for a week at the end of October. IT was amazing!! and a huge feat for me,, I was able to travel, get my car, and maneuver the roads without having one panic or anxiety attack, that’s saying alot as I rarely drive in Utah without having one, I also, now get to work from home, which has been incredible this last week. I love not having to drive anywhere,, I can do my workout and come to work,, and shower after work! LOL It’s a perk!!
As the 4th anniversary of the accident comes closer, I am constantly wondering what trigger will happen to push me over the edge this year. The last three years have been so hard, the emptiness that creeps in. This year, I still did most of my shopping online, but there was excitement in doing it.. Finding just the right gift for my kids and everyone else. It didn’t really hit me when December 1st came,, I just didn’t notice.. no it hit me today, when pics of Levi’s last school assemble, and Todd waiting in the car for the assemble to start, came up on my phone this morning. My eyes welled up a bit, my heart ached a little more than normal,, and I let my mind wander to where we would be if the accident had not happened? I am pretty sure I would not have the friends I have in my life now, as 90% of them met me after the accident. I am not sure where I would be working, If I still would be at Smith’s or somewhere else.. Would Todd have gotten his kidney by now? Levi would be going to SunSet Ridge, finishing 9th grade, which is just mind blowing to me. I have to keep doing the math to remember what grade he would be in. All these questions come to mind, and I am so thankful for all the support and love that I feel on a daily basis since the accident.
I know I will still hurt this season, this year, I know I always will,, I guess what they say is true,, you just learn to live with it. You move forward, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and pray that someone reaches out and catches you when you stumble or fall. You give yourself time, time to be angry, time to cry, time to help your children, time to heal, time to be.You learn to ask for what you need, instead of portraying strength, you portray, not weakness, but.... grief?, I am not sure what to call it. We tend to put up a wall,, "No I don\"t need anything" I am good, thank you, when our mind is screaming,, HUG ME, HOLD ME, HELP ME...
Right now my heart is in Virginia, with a friend of mine who was just about to be called as the Relief Society President in our ward, when all this happened. I vividly remember her and two other ladies coming to my house that night, and cleaning,, dishes, picked up levi\"s room so people to sleep there, when they got there, I just sat on the couch numb. About a week ago her husband passed away in his sleep. Not sure why, he just did. And I desperately wanted to go to her, to clean her house and pick up as she had done for me. But I couldn\"t..All I could do was text and call her. My heart hurts for the pain her and her kids are feeling this holiday season, I know it all too well. I want to shield them from it. Take it from them so that her and her children do not have to feel what we have felt. And all I can do it call her or text her. How do I tell her it gets better,, no it doesn\"t really,, it gets easier,,, to live with the grief? Those words fell on deaf ears when they were said to me, and somehow it happens anyway,, you just learn, and keep on going, keep doing what we have to do...
Guess I will just hold her hand and walk beside her, like so many have done with me.
Anyway,, just a few thoughts running through my mind as I work this snowy Sunday morning! It\"s beautiful outside,, and all I can think about is Snow angels! <3 <3 <3
So much has happened since I last blogged,, Thomas, Tom’s oldest, got married in October. November was quite, we celebrated Thanksgiving and worked.. haha adulting sucks sometimes!
I can’tt remember all that has happened to be honest. I did get a promotion at work,became certified in Education and was able to travel to Massachusetts for work, for a week at the end of October. IT was amazing!! and a huge feat for me,, I was able to travel, get my car, and maneuver the roads without having one panic or anxiety attack, that’s saying alot as I rarely drive in Utah without having one, I also, now get to work from home, which has been incredible this last week. I love not having to drive anywhere,, I can do my workout and come to work,, and shower after work! LOL It’s a perk!!
As the 4th anniversary of the accident comes closer, I am constantly wondering what trigger will happen to push me over the edge this year. The last three years have been so hard, the emptiness that creeps in. This year, I still did most of my shopping online, but there was excitement in doing it.. Finding just the right gift for my kids and everyone else. It didn’t really hit me when December 1st came,, I just didn’t notice.. no it hit me today, when pics of Levi’s last school assemble, and Todd waiting in the car for the assemble to start, came up on my phone this morning. My eyes welled up a bit, my heart ached a little more than normal,, and I let my mind wander to where we would be if the accident had not happened? I am pretty sure I would not have the friends I have in my life now, as 90% of them met me after the accident. I am not sure where I would be working, If I still would be at Smith’s or somewhere else.. Would Todd have gotten his kidney by now? Levi would be going to SunSet Ridge, finishing 9th grade, which is just mind blowing to me. I have to keep doing the math to remember what grade he would be in. All these questions come to mind, and I am so thankful for all the support and love that I feel on a daily basis since the accident.
I know I will still hurt this season, this year, I know I always will,, I guess what they say is true,, you just learn to live with it. You move forward, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and pray that someone reaches out and catches you when you stumble or fall. You give yourself time, time to be angry, time to cry, time to help your children, time to heal, time to be.You learn to ask for what you need, instead of portraying strength, you portray, not weakness, but.... grief?, I am not sure what to call it. We tend to put up a wall,, "No I don\"t need anything" I am good, thank you, when our mind is screaming,, HUG ME, HOLD ME, HELP ME...
Right now my heart is in Virginia, with a friend of mine who was just about to be called as the Relief Society President in our ward, when all this happened. I vividly remember her and two other ladies coming to my house that night, and cleaning,, dishes, picked up levi\"s room so people to sleep there, when they got there, I just sat on the couch numb. About a week ago her husband passed away in his sleep. Not sure why, he just did. And I desperately wanted to go to her, to clean her house and pick up as she had done for me. But I couldn\"t..All I could do was text and call her. My heart hurts for the pain her and her kids are feeling this holiday season, I know it all too well. I want to shield them from it. Take it from them so that her and her children do not have to feel what we have felt. And all I can do it call her or text her. How do I tell her it gets better,, no it doesn\"t really,, it gets easier,,, to live with the grief? Those words fell on deaf ears when they were said to me, and somehow it happens anyway,, you just learn, and keep on going, keep doing what we have to do...
Guess I will just hold her hand and walk beside her, like so many have done with me.
Anyway,, just a few thoughts running through my mind as I work this snowy Sunday morning! It\"s beautiful outside,, and all I can think about is Snow angels! <3 <3 <3
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