Perspective...

Looking at my last few posts, I think I am emotionally gearing up for what I anticipate to be a really hard couple months.

Time to change that up just a little bit.

There seems to be something happening every single month that brings tears to my eyes. Time to reflect:

January - was a complete blur, all I remember was going on the cruise that was our Christmas present from Todd's parents... we were both looking forward to just being together...
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things...
New memories, every one of them with my inlaws... laughing, crying, joking, exploring foreign places, ziplining through an absolutely gorgeous lush green forest.. smiling

February - Jake's birthday, and the nationally known suck up to your spouse day,,,
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things...
Jake got a year older, and I survived it! haha
Valentines Day is still overrated in my books.. never liked it when Todd was here, still don't, I think it's a ridiculously over-commercialized  holiday.
(the rest of February is still a blur as well! go figure)

March - Levi's birthday.
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... That the boy I raised is now a man!  I still marvel at how old he looked the last time I saw him.  Such a handsome young man.  All in white... ready for what ever his next mission was.  And that memory brings a smile to my face, and yes I still blink back the tears, and I probably always will, and that is OK!

April - Easter
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... My Savior Lives!  And Families are Forever because of my Savior.

May - Mother's Day, and our Anniversary
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things.... I am loved beyond measure.  I am continually blown away by the amount of love you all continue to shower me with!

June - Father's Day, and Kenzie's birthday (some years these two events are on the same day!)
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things...  My kids have the BEST dad in the whole world!  And he is still with them continually guiding them and comforting them and for that I am truly grateful!

July - Kenz and I took a road trip that both excited us and terrified us.
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... No matter what I love that girl, and she loves me, and together, (along with her brother), we can do hard things!  I think this is when things started to turn for me, when the fog lifted, when I felt like I could breath again.  Her and I got to honestly spend time together, just us, no Dad to be a buffer, no distractions, just us.. and I honestly can not think of a time when I have laughed harder or loved her more, and realized I am so very proud of the woman she is becoming.  I don't have to agree with all her choices, and she knows I don't, and I know she doesn't agree with all of mine, and that doesn't matter,, what matters is LOVE,, we love each other, and we support each other.

August - A 5k for Team Todd and Levi, and my birthday
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things...  I am loved beyond measure.  I have said it before and I will say it again, I am in awe of all the love and support

September - Back to School, and court
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... As all my friends are posting pics of their kids getting ready for their first day at Middle School, I cried.  My heart ached, yet on the other hand, I sighed with relief at the thought of all the money I didn't have to spend on school fees,supplies, lunches, weird I know,, but it gave me comfort. haha.  Court,,, I survived, and I am still smiling,, let's leave it at that. Although it does give me comfort to hear from close friends, when I say they should've been there to see the Judge's reaction to what the driver said, and my friends say,, "I couldn't have done it,, I would've lost it.. etc etc"  Guess I am not so much crazy!

October - Todd's birthday, Canadian Thanksgiving,  Halloween
What I took away from it:  I can and will continue to do hard things... Friendships are amazing, love conquers all, and there is much to be thankful for! I am seeing friends post pics of carving pumpkins with their littles, and my heart aches,,, I have no clue why,,,,I HATE CARVING PUMPKINS!!!  Now I have no reason to hate it? haha who knows!

November - Thanksgiving, Black Friday shopping
What I will take away from it:  I can and will continue to do hard things... Don't laugh, black friday shopping is HUGE for our household!  I haven't been able to do it for years due to having to work, so I am looking forward to spending thanksgiving with Kenz and Jeff at their house, and shopping for a wedding on the absolute craziest day of the year!

December - An anniversary I would rather not have, My missionary comes home, Christmas
What I will take away from it: I can AND WILL continue to do hard things...
I will smile, I will cry, I will celebrate their lives, I will hug that young man THE SECOND I see his face, I will be surrounded by  loved ones as we celebrate our Savior's birth.

I have been sitting here all month dreading this quarter.  Dreading the things that are coming up.

 My perspective has been way off.

 What an incredible journey we have been on this last year!!  Alot of falling, picking ourselves up, brushing ourselves off and carrying on, a lot of tears, love, new friendships, old friendships rekindled, alot of hugs, I love you's....

 This new skin feels weird,,and I am still trying to figure out and maneuver through this new Me as I go,  and just like every other thing we face in life, there is no manual,.. there is no how to book. OK OK,  there are books on grief, but honestly,, BLECH! no one can tell you how to do this,, grief is personal, my grief is so different from my parents, Todd's parents, my kids, our friends...*not at all any greater or less than theirs,, just different!*   This is a stumble and learn process like everything else.

 I have done things I never ever thought I could. I have said "see you soon" to two of  people I love most, way before I ever thought I would have to, I have made decisions I never thought I would be making at this point in my life, I have made mistakes, I have forgiven what I thought was impossible to forgive, even when forgiveness has not been asked for, *I still chuckle at that whole court scenario*, I have become a new person,, and through it all,,, I know...

I can and I will continue to do hard things!  Just like the rest of you!

 And we will continue to love and support each other as we stumble through our own personal journey's.

Grief cycle, over and over and over

My life....  seems to be one big emotional pitfall, I can go from gleefully happy to an emotion tornado in 2.2 seconds.  Go figure.

In 1994, I was a  single parent, with a toddler and expecting another baby.  My ex husband had decided that drugs were more important than his family.  And to be honest, I was grateful.  I had tried to do the right thing by getting married, but let's face it,, not every one is cut out to co-habitate.  It took me a couple years to get the single parenting down to an art form, and I did it.  It was me, my beautiful girl, and boy.  We totally rocked it.  We could conquer anything,, as long as we were together.  We didn't need anyone else in our lives,, let alone someone who didn't want to be there.

8 years, it was just us... the dream team.  Seriously, those were some of the best years of my life... I can almost guarantee that these 2 gems of mine will have a different version of what life was like, but I loved it.  Although something was definitely missing,, we plugged along. We ROCKED!! 

 I was a hard mom, my kids answered me with a Yes Ma'am, or No Ma'am,, they had chores, they had to clean their rooms,, most of the time... usually when I ventured into their rooms, and couldn't walk on the floor without damaging my feet in some weird way.  God bless Legos!

I also was a protective mom, I drove my kids to school,, they didn't get to walk until they were much much older and we were much much closer., *granted we lived in a town of about 2500 people, and many told me I needed to cut the apron strings, but I still drove them until we lived within sight of the school*  They were allowed to walk home with friends, but they had to be home within a certain time frame. 

 Many nights I would cry myself to sleep out of sheer exhaustion, and worry that I was somehow screwing up my children that the Lord had trusted me with.  

Oh what I would give to go back to that time,, the time I thought I would never survive.  The time I thought was the hardest trial I would ever have to deal with.  Little did I know...

I go back and forth between who I miss more... There are days I am comforted that Todd no longer suffers and is in constant pain,, and there are days I am comforted that Levi no longer has to face the trials of this earthly life... 

I remember the day the kids first met Todd, Kenz asked me if they were supposed to call him Dad, and my response was, "well let's wait until he marry's me ok babe?"  I still didn't believe that I was deserving of such happiness,,,  I remember when we got married, Kenz and Jake were so excited!!  After we said our I do's, little 7 yr old Jacob climbed up on Todd's lap,, wrapped his little arms around Todd's neck and said with complete joy and trust "Now my family is complete!" and planted a kiss on his dad's lips! Todd was beaming, Jake was gloriously happy, Kenz was as well, and we couldn't wait to start our lives together! 

 Then came Levi! Due to huge leaps and bounds in technology, we were able to find out what we were having when we went for an ultrasound..  I will never forget showing Kenz the picture of the ultrasound showing we were expecting a boy.  Never have I seen a child more upset! haha  She was livid,, to the point of tears that we weren't having a girl.  

Never have I seen that emotion flip so quickly as it did when she first laid eyes on her baby brother...  Instant love.  That motherly instinct came out loud in that little 9 yr old girl!!!  She loved him. 

Today, I am blogging simply because my heart is bursting,, with emotion.  I miss him,, and him.. and never though I would be a single parent again,, we have gone full circle.  It's just the three of us...  and it feels weird, wrong..  I am back to crying myself to sleep some nights out of fear that I am screwing up the two kids that I have left.. 

Kenz called me this morning to chat and I just started crying... No idea why.  Honestly thought I was out of tears, it's been so long since they have fallen... sigh.

Luckily, the people I work with, are used to seeing me crying,, poor peeps! haha

Today I am missing being a mum, and a wife.  My goal was to get through January without losing it... Today my goal is to get through today...  

Today I am grateful for eternal families

For friends, new and old

for the ability to love again

for the ability to be hurt, for that means I have loved

for the ability to cry

the ability to laugh

the ability to be happy

Today, I allow myself to be sad,I will let the tears fall, I will pick myself up and keep moving forward... Today I miss them and I am grateful.

People ask how I get through each day, and I can honestly tell you I have no idea,, except I have two men looking out for me and possibly blocking that which makes me sad from my mind, most days,,, I like to think on the days I am sad, they are busy with their other kids and siblings, making sure they are looked after, and the rest of the family.  The tears are coming less and less and that is a huge relief.  Sometimes they just have to fall.  

Be the BEST YOU you can be!

This didn't start out being a motivational blog, when I started blogging in 2013, when Todd got sick.  It was just a place where I could vent, and quickly relay information to our families.

Besides when I try to get motivational, I sound all cocky, and bullheaded,, and truly I am not.  AT ALL!.. not when it comes to being me anyway.

My goal through this life is to simply be the best ME that I can be,, that is seriously hard enough.  I don't have time to be perfect, my house could be cleaner,, probably should be cleaner, considering there are only two of us living there and we are both only there part time.... My life should probably be more organized. I tend to fly by the seat of my pants, I like order and structure, but I love spontaneity.  Nothing thrilled me more, then when Todd would walk in the door and say "let's go to california with the kids for the weekend"  and we, well I, would pack us up, and be ready when they got home from school that day!

Life is hard... sometimes it downright sucks butt.. *sorry mum*.  And when HUGE things happen they can make it harder.  I look back on our lives, and there are so many things we should have done differently,, we should've saved money when Todd was raking it in, we should have taught the kids how to be financially responsible, we should have loved more and yelled less, hugged more and spanked less, enjoyed each other more and shushed less.

I was lucky in that I was older when we were blessed with Levi, I realized that the little things, didn't matter.  Who really cares if you have cereal for dinner, 4 days a week? Who said it was just for breakfast to begin with?  Why can't we have dessert first?  Who said appetizers can't be strawberry shortcake?  Who says you shouldn't wear that swimming suit?  Or wear those 6 inch heels?  *ok stay with me here, there are clothes that are definitely made for the teenie tinys out there, and for women with curves, we do need to dress for the body we have, not the one we wish we had!* I got numerous dandelion boquets, and they sat on my counter in a glass, I was told to watch this or asked to listen to looooooooooooooong drawn out, intensely detailed stories of dreams, and admittedly I tuned out most of what was said to me,, *wish I could change that too dang it!*

I am grateful that when all my kids were little, I put on that swimming suit and got in the water with them.. Although even now, I look at pictures, and think *UGH ARE YOU KIDDING ME?*,, my kids look at the same picture and say "Oh I remember this, this is when I jumped off the high diving board and you caught me mum!"  They dont see the whale of a body that has grabbed them from the depths of the water they just plunged feet first into,, they see unconditional love and acceptance.  They feel trust towards that unconditional love and acceptance.

I can hardly wait to have little people around again,, seriously.  I can't wait to get on the floor and play cars, or barbies, or whatever freaking gender correct toy they come out with by this time. I can't wait to watch the ants scurry on the ground preparing for winter, while holding a little's hand.  To hike up a mountain and talk with my tween grand kids, to let them know they are the most important people in so many peoples lives.

Yes.. I post the ugly pictures, I send them to friends, to my kids, because there will come a day when that is all they have, and I am hoping when that day comes, They will look at those pictures of their dorkie Mum and remember her laugh, her smile, the look in her eyes, when they caught her just looking at them for no reason, and maybe, just maybe, they can laugh, and smile and feel all the love I have for them overflowing on a daily basis!

I put this on facebook and the likes and comments were almost instantaneous, 

I have many flaws. I don't particularly like my picture being taken.. I really don't like getting in a swimming suit, and there are other things I don't particularly like doing. HOWEVER, once I am gone, all my family will have left is memories of doing things with me, and the pictures that we took. I love that my kids have memories of playing in the pool with me, in the lake, they don't know that I wanted to puke every time I saw myself in the mirror with the swim suit on, they don't know how uncomfortable I was walking in front of people, they don't see my chubby face in the pic, they see my smile, they are flooded with memories of laughter and love, of happiness and being together. Life is too short to be nit picky. So put on that swim suit,, We all feel just as uncomfortable,,, take that picture with your babies, , Post it, share it, and know you are loved beyond words.

 Then I got a message from a sweet lady I met years ago... 

You may not remember me as I met you years ago. I went to school with your Mom. She was my best friend. I love your posts and blogs. You are so honest and so human with no pretenses to be perfect and I love this. Hope you keep inspiring us all.

You are sisters with a friend of mine, I think,, what is your maiden name?

                                                                               Thank you so much for your sweet words

I'd love to give you many HUGS so I hope you feel this one across the miles and sometimes I feel that need of hugs too.

Thank you! I accept all hugs,, my goal is to help one person, who thinks their life is crappy,, if I can help them see the silver lining,, then my work is a success

being perfect takes too much work,, and it's hard enough just trying to be me

I love you for who you are and keep up the good work of helping us all.

Thank you! I hope you have an amazing day!

You have already made my day. Thanks

 The meer fact that I am being told that I am an inspiration is overwhelming.  This blog was simply a place for me to vent, to get through this crap we call life.. and to come out a better person for it. That is all I want. So I will keep posting, and blogging, and if it can help just one person, remember what is truly important, and get them through their crappy day.. then YAY!!!  

 just me being crazy!!!

I have friends that went to the cemetery with me yesterday,, and we took this picture,, I wish my one friend would stop seeing the negative in every picture,, these girls are gorgeous! ALL 3 OF THEM!! And the strength of the two on each side inspires me.. to keep going!  I see no flaws in this picture, I see love, and happiness, and friendships that I am forever grateful for... *she may kill me for posting the pic so if I don't blog soon,, call the cops! ;-)*  I love these two ladies so very much and am honored to call them both friend!!

Now,, who wants lunch?? I will order the appetizers for us! :-)

Carry on, Carrying on...

It has been a weekend of memories, friendships and love!!  I am so completely overwhelmed with the love I feel from people that have never even met my husband and son...  seriously!

This is what I was expecting to be the hardest weekend for me yet.  It's a weekend full of traditions in our family.  It's Canadian Thanksgiving,, *the American's are the ones who decided to freaking change it to November, the losers!, back during WW1 or 2,, can't remember which,, google it!* and it's Todd's birthday,, cue tears.... wait, what,, no tears... just love and happiness!

I got asked to go camping with a friend on Friday, I don't camp,, like at all! haha well I never used to.  It was fun.  I met a bunch of new people, and I got out of the house, on my own and ventured into the unknown with NO ONE holding my hand.  YAY ME!!!  *seriously I freaking rock!, no lie*

Saturday I finally was able to go to a BYU game.  The very thought of entering the stadium without Todd with me, scared the crap right out of me... I have wanted to go all season, but let my anxiety win every time and just didn't do it... until Saturday,, *dun dun duuunnnnnnn* I had a couple friends go with me, and OH EMM GEEE we had a blast! My anxiety that I had been anticipating all day was nonexistent. It was like Todd was right there with me the whole game,,, well until half time when I went to text him "DUDE You are missing THE best game right now"  bahahahaha I texted Kenz instead when I realized what I was going to do, and yep I laughed about it, because let's face it, He totally had the best seats in the house!  It was our tradition that at every touchdown BYU scored we would kiss,, so one of my friends stepped up and filled that spot for me,, haha kisses on the cheek between friends is the next best thing! *who wouldn't wanna kiss this??*

Saturday night I got home late, and walked in to my sweet girl, her fiance, and their friends waiting for me to get home!  We had so much fun!  We laughed, played,, I jumped on Jeff,, seriously love that kid, and am thrilled he is going to be part of my family!

  Sunday morning we got up and started cooking our holiday feast!

We went to the cemetery on Sunday in between all the fun, how I wish desperately I could take this pain and heartache from my babies,,,

 Can I tell you Kenz makes a bomb turkey! And I love that she wants to do it,, every year!  Unfortunately, in the USA turkeys are few and far between until the END of October, so all we could get was a 15 lb bird,, to feed 45 people,, so I sent Kenz to Smiths' to grab a ham at the 11th hour and we threw that in the oven!  Everyone that came brought something to share, We, well everyone else, sang Happy birthday to Todd, I struggled with it, I wanted to do it, but I couldn't sing, I just sat there feeling so completely overwhelmed at the love these people, most of whom have never met him or Levi, gathered around to break bread with me, love me, to encourage me to do the hard things, and let me know they are proud of what I overcome on a daily basis...  There are no words to express how much each and everyone of you mean to me!  And I guarantee you will be greeted on the other side by a man with tears of love and gratitude streaming down his face as he thanks you for loving me through this!

Today is his birthday.  Today he would be 45.  Today I would take him out to dinner, shower him with love and presents, Today Levi would rummage through his room and find the perfect thing to give his dad.  Today I would wake him up with a kiss and tell him how very much I love him....

Today I am going to have lunch with two of my best friends.. girls who have never met this man, who tell me continually they can't wait to meet him and how much they love him for loving me. Today I will go to the cemetery and put a balloon on his headstone, and a flower for our boy.. I will go out for dinner with his parents.  Today I will smile as I feel his arms around me, as I feel his love for me and my love for him fill me to the brim.

Today I will take a moment, maybe shed some tears, most definitely laugh at the memories. And Tomorrow, I will carry on, carrying on.

Jeff Johnson!

Sean Salisbury and his Nephew Daxon

Spencer Boster and Aubree Bryant

Teresa Salisbury!

Mom and Dad Johnson,
Photobomber Carlie Parslow

WE WON!!!!!!!!!!

Me and Jeff,, So much fun at this game!

Me and Cable!  GO COUGS!!!!

I love this picture so stinking much I put it in twice!

Me and Tom, thanksgiving dinner!

Pity party for 1,,, warning: rambling and venting session, probably makes no sense at all

I am having a rough couple weeks... There are a couple things going on that I have no control over, and I am ok with that.  I am just tired of people not taking responsibility for their actions, or for trying to control what is NOT theirs to control.

Here is the bottom line:

I miss my husband.  I miss my son.

Every 

single

 day.

  And although I miss them dearly, so much so it physically hurts me at times, I am ready to be happy again.  Whether that be with someone, or on my own.  So right now. I am working on the on my own part.  I find it funny that I am ok to be home alone, but the thought of going out alone still terrifies me.  Why is that? I get home and I am content.  I can go to bed, alone, *sad I know*, I wake up, I can putter around the house... *I have yet to go downstairs alone though oddly enough, that in and of itself terrifies me to my very core!*

It's Todd's 25 year mission reunion tomorrow.  I want to go, so badly.  I want to avoid it.. so badly.
We went together to his 20 year reunion and I met amazing people!!  People I happily call my friends today.  So I know I won't be alone.. and I know Todd will  be there in spirit with me,. but damn it, sometimes that just isn't enough!! He has been in spirit with me the last almost 10 months.

10 months,, seriously, has it be that long????/

10 months... seriously how has it only been 10 months????


I am asked almost daily what I want,, so here is my list of what I want:

•  I want to be happy with who I am
•  I want someone to sweep me off my feet again!
•  I want to be someone's priority
•  I want to no longer feel abandoned
•  I want to stop crying
•  I want to come home to someone who is there waiting to hold me, wrap his arms around me and hug me while I just cry and know they don't have to say anything or do anything but just let me sob, and not feel awkward about it.  (yea I said HIS! and no there is no particular he at this point!) 
•  I want to drink lots of alcohol so I don't feel this pain anymore
•  I want to not care, about anything
•  I want to care so much not one person on the earth ever feels unloved
•  I want friends who don't judge because I do things differently than they do
•  I want to move forward
•  I want to not want to drink so I remember every little feeling.
•  I want to see what the future holds
•  I want to go back in time
•  I want to deny what I know to be the truth without guilt
•  I want to shout that I believe and I have faith in the Atonement from the roof tops
•  I want to hug the driver and tell him I love him
•  I want to never lay eyes on him again
•  I want to curl up in a ball, fall asleep and not wake up
•  I want to live to see my children be happy
•  I want this to stop
•  I want my life back.
•  I want my life to be finished.  (do not read too much into this geesh!!!!!! if I get one phone call from a social worker I swear....)

See how conflicting grief can be!!!

It's Todd's birthday in a couple weeks, 11 days to be exact.  It's a monday.  I have to work.  I want to wake up and it be tuesday instead.  I am tired of the firsts that keep coming.  I am tired of thinking I have a handle on everything then BAM! out of no where, at the most inopportune times the tears just fall!  no noise, just tears!

 so help me if one more person says they are amazed at my strength, I can not be held responsible for what happens!!  I am not trying to be strong! I SWEAR!!! I want nothing more than to be weak,, to let someone else be the "ADULT" for a while.. unfortunately there is no one else..  and bills must be paid, kids must be loved... dogs must be fed.  Sigh

There is a stages of grief picture I have some where that is excellent at portraying where I am in all this crap..... I just need to find it.

Thanks for letting me vent....