oh I am sure this is going to cause some back lash,, When we first moved to this beautiful state in 2005 I was so excited... I couldn't wait to be where the heart of my belief system was... to be in Mormon country, where every one held the same values and standards.. everyone was friendly and accepting, Christlike even to those who didn't follow the same standards and beliefs... And don't get me wrong,, 99% of my experiences in Utah, with the wards have been great.... all it takes is that 1% sadly, to put such a bad taste in your mouth and take away the desire to ever return...
REMOVE BLINDERS
Our first ward in West Jordan was hard.. very clickish, and I was shocked at the judgements that came our way from members... in fact there is only one family in that ward that I even keep in contact with. Bless their heart, they scooped us up and we just became instant friends,, if it weren't for them, I know my family would have sunk into the oblivion as far as church membership and activity went...
Fast forward 2 years and one more child later and we move back to Utah, this time Southern,,, LaVerkin was AMAZING! It was like family! They welcomed us with open arms, quickly gave Todd and I callings,, Kenz and Jake had made friends and we were happy there.
We move to Hurricane 2 years later and this is where the blinders were lifted... Unintentionally we had moved into a ward that Todd had lived in with his ex wife years earlier... The Bishop walks up to us and says,, NO LIE!,, shaking Todd's hand, "I know you,, BUT THIS is NOT Angela!" as he points to me... we have been married for 3-4 years at this point... and I just look at him and believe my exact words were,, NO SHIT! Todd quickly jumped in and explained who I was,, and the two of them laughed it off... when we got home after, I realized how upset my sweet husband was about that comment,, how heartless and insensitive it was to say such a thing... seriously,,, he was livid!
Never had one hometeacher or visiting teacher visit the entire time we lived in that ward. We felt like we were back in West Jordan... and it sucked! In September, the Young Woman's presidency showed up with a card for Kenzie's birthday that was in June. They had no clue who we were, or anything about our family. This was not my first realization that it's the Gospel that is perfect and not the people in it, and why exactly we, as a family went to church,, was it for us or for the social aspect,, well it was for us.. .but there's something to be said about feeling welcome no matter where you go!! If you are treated like crap at a store, you don't go back,, if you are treated horribly at a restaurant you don't go back,, why is church any different? I go to the store for ME, for my needs,, but I will be damned if I go back an patronize a store that treats me horrible and makes me feel unwelcome,, get where I am headed here? We didn't go to church for 6 months that year.
We moved to into St George one year after moving to Hurricane, and Todd and I spent many nights discussing how scared I was we were going to move into the same situation. Luckily, and through much prayer, we did NOT! I am happy to say!! We moved into the most incredible ward in St George.. The kids loved it.. and made friends quickly,, infact, NOW both of my adult children have returned to St George to make it their home! Most amazing ward ever. Todd's work moved to Las Vegas, and up came that discussion,, oh the fights we had,, I did NOT want to raise our kids in Sin City,, I didn't want to live there where the church support system was not as strong as the one we had found in St George. So we hit our knees, and I trusted my husband.
We moved out of Utah, and I tried to ignore the knot in my stomach that seemed to grow with each passing mile we drove to Henderson. Our Bishop in St George, had called our bishop in Henderson, told him to expect us, and if we could get help moving that would be fantastic.. we woke up that saturday morning to 15-20 men waiting for us to come out and open the truck.. the next day we walked into church and the love was seriously tangible. Hugs, welcomes, overwhelming,.. completely overwhelming!! And the best part,, if I saw someone from my ward at Walmart after sacrament meeting,, she didn't dodge and hide down a different isle,, we laughed at the fact that we both forgot to grab something or other needed for sunday dinner.. and thought nothing more of it. (when that happened in Utah, mainly up north, they would seriously run the other direction instead of just owning it, and avoid eye contact or talking to us the next time they saw us at church!)
We were in that ward for 5 years,, I loved it,, my kids loved it,, my husband loved it!! He was a workaholic and rarely home until he got sick,, the continual love and support from the ladies in the ward was amazing! And for the first time in our married lives we had consistent visiting teaching and home teaching visits.. There are a handful of men that knew when Todd wasn't home, they went out of their way to make sure I was good with the kids, and didn't need anything "manly" done around the house... Then Todd got sick,, and man did our friends step up! I could call any person in that ward, and I did,, to get help with Levi for school while I had to run Todd up to St George for Dr appointments, and those usually ended up with him in the hospital and Levi needing to stay the night at someone's house.. and not once did I feel like I was putting anyone out..or taking advantage of them.. They were simply amazing... My girlfriend was visiting me one night, I had to leave Todd in st George at the hospital to help Jake with his eagle project,, and we had a houseful of his friends that night,, she was there, and our girls called me and told me "Mum, Dad is having stroke like symptoms,,," That's all I remember of that conversation,, I dont even remember getting into my car and making the 2 hour drive in an hour... I do remember my girlfriend saying "GO! We have this! GO!! and putting me in the car with a few things and sending me on my way... I didn't have to think about Levi, or Jake,, I knew,, I KNEW they would be taken care of.. and they were.
Then came the decision it was time to move back to Utah, for Todd's kidney transplant.. oh I fought him,, again! "this is our family! this is our support system!!! I don't want to live in utah again!!!" I liked being in an area where people went to church because they WANTED to be there, not because they were worried about what their neighbors thought if their car was still in the driveway past the time sacrament started... (you utah implants all know I speak the truth!) Up we headed, to West Jordan, so we could have help from family.. so I could work, and his family could help get him to his various dr appointments,,, it was awesome!
In we walk to our new ward,, again, our bishop from henderson had called and explained who we were, why we were moving and we would need help.... Open the garage door on that saturday, and the amount of people there to help us move was incredible... we had that truck unloaded in under an hour!!! It was a little harder for me to feel connected to anyone in the ward due to my work schedule,, retail + Christmas = no life. Todd and Levi would come home and tell me how awesome the ward was,, how much they loved it,, Levi loved his primary teacher and class, and Todd just loved feeling so welcome and not like a hindrance or burden. Our Bishop met with Todd many times those first couple months, asking how he was doing, feeling, giving him numbers of people he could call if and when he needed assistance and I was not at home... and we met with him as a family when I wasn't working,, incredible man,, incredible bishopric,, loved the entire leadership of this ward,, but I still felt alone....
One night I came home in tears, probably mid November,, saying how much I hated it here, how I didn't have any friends...it sucked! Bless his heart, My husband says to me "baby,, YOU WORK every single day,, give it time, you will have more friends than you can count, I promise! Just get through the Christmas crap at work!" Little did I know a month later his words would come true more than I could ever dream!
I didn't want to move in March as most of you know,, but felt in more ways than one it was needed, for me to be able to move forward, and be happy,, not live in constant stress, fear, heartache.....
If I could've moved and stayed in the same ward, I would've! (mostly,, again most of you know I needed to get out of that ward for one reason only. AND I didn't want to be the one to move,,, dangnabit! but he clearly wasn't going anywhere!!)
So I moved,,my bishop called my new bishop, my first counselor (and older younger brother) called and emailed him and gave him the readers digest version of all that is RHONDA, sadly not one person came to help me move in,, I depended solely on my incredible ward I was moving from and my boyfriend,, and then I hid well for a couple months, partially waiting to see how long it would take for someone to come by,, call,,,
Then decided it was time to buck up and go to my new ward yet again...still haven't seen or heard from anyone in the ward... fast forward to yesterday.... I have been a half dozen times or so,, and the relief society presidency had stopped by, along with a super sweet senior missionary couple that I absolutely adore!, between traveling and playing,, summers are hard for everyone to attend church regularly,, and that's ok!
I walk into church yesterday and the bishop greets me the same way he has EVERY OTHER TIME I have gone,, "Hi, welcome,, are you new or visiting?" SIGH,, seriously? Ok,, give him the benefit of the doubt,, I have been in and out,, I get it. Hurt, but I get it....
After sacrament, the sweet Senior sister missionary came up and gave me a big hug, and we laughed and talked for a few minutes.. my heart started to hurt just a little less from earlier.. *yea I know we go for us and not for others,, but again,, ya don't keep going where you don't feel welcome right?!?!?!*
The lesson in relief society was Eternal Families,, BLAH! I have an eternal family, and I know this,, it doesn't comfort me now though, with us being split up for the time being... and definitely makes going to church hard,, being single,, but not really eternally single...
Love at Home is the opening song, and for some stupid reason tears start falling,,, no I don't know why,, and I feel incredibly stupid and vulnerable at this point,,, I catch the RS president's eye and quickly look away. ahaha OIY!!! I hate being a mess outside of my comfortzone! and my ward is outside my comfort zone right now...
Lesson starts and discussions come up,, about how everything is in the Lord's time,, and I get it I really do,,, sensitivity is key here though,, there are singles that are singles for MANY reasons, divorce, adultery, addiction, never had the chance to marry,, NO ONE said in Heaven, SEND me down and let me be single forever!, I sit quietly in the back,, trying to breathe and remember that they don't know me,, *even if I am 100% sure I am not the ONLY single person in this ward* and are just expressing how they feel,,,, blah blah blah
Anyway,, this one lady makes a comment... "singles need to quit being so cynical of their situation.."
BLINK,,,,, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!?! Are you freaking kidding me? I put on my sunglasses to cover my tears, grab my keys and leave... DONE,, DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!
That hurt!
I know she didn't mean it at me,, I know she didn't think before speaking,, it happens to all of us! *HAVE YOU MET ME!?!?!* this is one reason I really don't offend easily,, because I often speak without thinking, mainly for shock value, but sometimes it hurts people,, and I hate hurting people!
One sister came running out after me and wrapped her arms around me and just hugged me. When she let me go, I simply said thank you. and got in my car and drove home.
Called Tom and asked if I could come over for a bit,, hearing something in my voice,, *yes I was holding back tears and probably sounded more pissed than hurt at this point* he says yes and asks what's wrong... *que tear fest* and I vented, spewed, let everything out,,, the bishop,the lesson in class,, eternal familie, blah,,
*he interjects here,, *
You know you have them forever! EVEN if they aren't here now ya know,, they are yours! You have that eternal family,,,"
Yea I know,, it doesn't make it easy though,,
I know it doesn't but you have it... remember that! <3 *I'm keeping this guy For the RECORD!*
I continue ranting,,, that lady,, how much I hated this ward, they haven't made an effort to get to know me, yes the blame is not all on them,, blah blah blah,,.,
Not once did Tom say, suck it up, you're being ridiculous,, stop the pity party.. no this man says to me "if I could have 10 minutes with this ward so they could understand all that you are, and offer them 5 days in your shoes....." we hang up and I head over... some how this guy knows how to talk to me,, to talk sense to me, without being condescending or telling me I am over reacting,, NOT EVEN CLOSE TO KIDDING! Even when I am being irrational, emotional and a little beyond sensitive.. I pull up a chair and watch him as he is working on his bike and we talk, I don't even remember all that was said except this from Mr Awesome,, "give it time babe,, you may be surprised and come to love this ward.. just give it time, you know why you go, why you need to go,, don't give up on yourself" <------ seriously this is why,, right here,, one of the many reason why I love him so very much!
I leave, and see a text from the RS pres.. "are you ok? I stopped by,... please call or text me"
I text her... we chat,, and I think,, yep,, give it time,,it is going to be ok....
All it takes is that one thing, sadly,, to make or break a members activity,. that comment came close to breaking me. Closer than I have been in years.. one word,, that was all it was,, cynical..
It's sad. because I think we truly lose sight of why we are going.. what our goal is,, the goal in the end! We need to, as a society QUIT generalizing, quit grouping people together in groups,, start seeing the individuals, the family's and realizing we all have the same ultimate goal... It is hard to be a single person in a family based church. I have been a single person raising kids, and now a single person, with grown kids,, and both are equally hard... it's hard to look over and see parents struggling to keep their kids quiet in sacrament and not knowing if I should reach out and offer help or a quiet distraction or would it be seen as me thinking they suck at doing their job? It's equally hard to look over and see that single person with that longing look in their eyes to have the opportunity to struggle to keep kids quiet in church. The ultimate goal is the same here, with each of us sitting in that chapel... To have an eternal family and return to live with our Father in Heaven again. Single, married, divorced, widowed, sealed or not.
I guess what I am trying to say is this,, (after this obscenely long rant),, take a look around the room, lay out in your mind your comment before saying it,,think before speaking,, how can this be taken.... reach out to the person you think is being cynical, find out their story,, invite them into yours... maybe just maybe, that one thing can make them instead of breaking them.
