Muddlin' through it all

and trying to keep my head above water.  It's been a ride, these last 4 1/2 months.  Not necessarily one I would take again, willingly.  I feel like I have been on the brink of tears all week,, all week?? Let's try the last 4 months.

People ask me how I am doing and I usually give the expected response of "I'm ok"... at least I think it is what people want to hear, and unless you are really close to me, both physically and emotionally that is the response you will get,,  I am scared of people not asking me any more.. I am terrified of people not checking on me,, of thinking it is a bother to, or they don't want to see me cry any more.  HELL I don't want to see me cry anymore.

I keep myself obscenely busy.  I am working two jobs, so that is 50+ hours a week, then I have an incredible group of the most amazing friends, that make sure I am still alive daily. They stop by or call, or find some way to harass me that I love.  *both my married and single friends!!, cause that's how I roll!!*

When I stop and actually think, I get scared.. I 'what if' myself into an anxiety attack... oh not about the accident, more about what the future holds for me.  You see, the plan was for Todd and I to grow old together, to enjoy having an empty nest, our grandkids, to watch our kids venture out on their own, and start their own families, for us to argue about whether or not we could afford for me to spoil those grand babies,, and We would fight about it!, haha,  we were going to travel, we were going to serve a mission together..  we were going to....

Now I get to do all those things on my own.  LUCKY ME!  Our second oldest daughter is getting married next weekend, and I feel like an outsider.  Just one of the things Todd and I were supposed to do together.  *Sigh*  I miss him so much right now.

So I just muddle through.  I have started going to grief counseling, and I think it's helping.  It's certainly making me face the things I would rather keep locked in the room I have all their stuff locked in. I don't want to deal with any of it.  I would rather hide.  I would rather pretend it isn't a permanent part of my reality.  I would rather go bowling, or watch a movie, or go to dinner and laugh and joke with my friends.  I would rather do anything but face my reality.

One thing I really hate hearing is "how are you doing this?"  my response is "doing what?,, living?"  People expect me to be in bed, all day,, every day,, bawling,, maybe I need to do that,, maybe I should just take a couple days and let it all out... be the freaking train wreck y'all expect me to be.  I could use it,. I could use a good bawl session. I am exhausted,, from being strong,, from faking it.  Even when I feel like I am not faking it, I am faking it.

I feel like a stranger in my own reality.  And it sucks.

I'm ok..but I'm not ok,,

And that's ok!  ,,,, this is a title I am borrowing from another blogger who buried his son a year ago.  It's one I read when Todd was sick and it helped me realize I can be ok, and not be ok at the same time, and it's perfectly, well,,,,OK!  

I'm in Arkansas, visiting my brother in law, and having so much fun. No responsibilities, no pressure to do anything, he's taking very good care of me... Yet everywhere I look I see an empty hole.  He took me into town to find a souvenir or two to take home, and I realized there was no need to buy anything. No one is waiting at home for me to come back.  Scott, my bil, smoked ribs tonight for dinner, and they were soooo stinkin' good,  I snapped a picture to send to Todd, and quickly remembered,,,,,,,,so, I deleted the picture.  We had always talked about coming out here together to see Scott and spend some time with him,, and here I am,  getting to do what we talked about,,, alone.  

I'm really struggling with this whole alone thing.   Not that I am wanting to get married again, I just want my husband back.  He was my rock,,  my pillar, my biggest cheerleader, the love of my life.  I waited almost 30 years to find him, and only got him for 12 1/2. Im feeling ripped off in both the wife department and the mum department.  I was supposed to still have a son at home,  have one more child to go through the teen crap years with, the struggles,, the fights,, the broken curfews and rules,,, now there's just silence where there was supposed to be arguing.  Eerie silence.    

I used to love shopping,  be it grocery shopping, birthday shopping, clothes shopping,souvenir shopping on trips,,,, I didn't care,,, now I get anxiety over going to the store... Shopping for one sucks,,, and honestly I never know what I'm going to see that could trigger a tear fest. 

I'm struggling with this new me lately.  A lot.  I don't feel whole anymore. I sleep with a teddy bear, actually three teddy bears. And I panicked if one is out of place and I wake up unable to find it.  

There's so much more I want to write but seriously I'm kinda getting tired of the whining that goes on on this blog.  So let's just leave it at this,,,,, 

My closest friends and family are telling my pe to give it time,,,, it gets,,,no wait,,let me rephrase that,,, you learn how to live with the pain, it never gets easier, you just learn to navigate through it,,,, so if you ask me how I'm doing,,,,,, chances are,  you'll probably get this response,,,,

I'm ok, but I'm not ok,,,,and that's ok!

One day at a time, one hour at a time.  One minute at a time...

Time

it stops for no one.  I think I am lucky in the sense that I don't feel forgotten by anyone.  My friends, my ward family, my family, continually reach out to me, not a week goes by that someone doesn't stop by, drop something off for me, or just walk in and give me a hug.

My favorite hugs are those from my boys.... the 11-13 yr old boys that are friends with Levi.  They don't even hesitate, they see me and come charging, AND I LOVE IT.  I don't know all their names, *brainmush*, but I recognize every single one of them.  And I cherish every single one of those hugs.  Very few people hug you like adolescent boys.  They are at the 'I'm cool and I am going to be a big jerk to you in front of my friends to show them how cool I really am' stage, so when they hug you,,,, TAKE IT!

120 days.  How have I done this for 120 days?  1/3 of a year? It seems like it's been forever since I have seen your faces, heard your laughter, felt your arms around me or the tender kisses on my forehead that you both loved to give.  Levi you took that job that your oldest brother gave you so very seriously!!, Jake asked you to look after me and you did it... you made sure I knew you loved me every night,, every time I left for work, every time I left the house actually.  It was a challenge you and your dad liked to fight over,, who got to give me the last forehead kiss for the night,, because that one lasted longer,,, *your dad always won,, haha, only because you went to bed before we did!*

I am home alone right now, yet I hear the floor above me creaking like you are walking across it, perhaps to come downstairs and check on me?  Is it weird that I hear you walking across our floor every month?  Sometimes it's every week, some times it's every day, some times I don't hear it for weeks, but then I hear you.  I never go upstairs to check,, I want you here as long as you can be.  I know it's you, I would know your steps anywhere.  *it's funny the things we remember*  You came to me last night in a dream,, at least I think it was a dream,, I never remember them, I just remember waking up feeling completely comforted and at peace... like I was in your arms again.  Then I got up and you vanished.  So no, I don't go check upstairs when I hear you walking across the floor.

My heart hurts.  Just when I don't think it can hurt anymore something happens and that wound is ripped wide open. The other day it was your bar of soap in our shower.  *I have such a hard time remembering we are not we anymore... and when I say we people expect to see you standing behind me*  I just grabbed it and sat on the shower floor and cried for 20 minutes.  I miss you.  I miss us.  I miss who I was when we were together.  I thank God every day for our chance meeting, for that guy making three phone calls while we were on a date, giving me the perfect opportunity to realize something and someone better was out there... and The Lord brought you right to me!!

A bunch of us are going to the accident site today,,, we are putting up a memorial, and releasing balloons for you guys,,, black and yellow for Levi, and blue and white for Toddie!   I hope you know how much I love you, and how very much you are missed every. single. day.

120 days down,,,,,,,  the rest of my earthly life to go.

I miss.....

the old me... the one that was carefree, happy, laughing.  I want her back.  I want to walk into my home with eagerness to see my husband and son waiting for me,, not dread of walking into an empty house. 

Last night I worked until 9 pm.. guess what it was doing when I left work,, SNOWING,, it was snowing!  WTH????  *que anxiety*  I bawled all the way home,, my knuckles were white from clenching the steering wheel so tight.  THE SNOW WASN'T EVEN REALLY STICKING!

The old me would've not really cared,, gotten in the car and driven cautiously but,, no big deal!

I hate feeling needy. I hate feeling like I am bringing others down around me.  I hate crying.  I hate the dreams that are invading the night.  I hate feeling broken.  I hate missing them so much that I literally can not move.  I hate every morning that comes,, it just feels like groundhog day over and freaking over.  I hate having to tell the same story over and over. I hate the look of pity from strangers, and people who have no clue what to say when I say I am having a bad day.  I hate the stock I need to buy in Kleenex.  I hate sleeping with my teddy bear and waking up in a panic because it is on the other side of my bed.  *happens almost nightly!!  geesh I am 42 years old WTH!* I hate not caring. I hate this hole in my heart that will forever be present.  More then ever,  I hate the new me. 

I miss the old Rhonda.  She was incredible!!!  And I want her back.

The Forgotten Horse

As I look at this picture all I can think of is,, 'how symbolic is this... this horse is all alone, trying to get back to his herd,, *or whatever you call horse packs! lol*, trying to find his family.  He got left behind,, forgotten..... sigh!'

It is odd what comes to have meaning to me now.  I see this print and I feel like this horse. A big chunk of my family has moved on,, forgotten me, if you will, *not really but stay with me*, left me to finish this journey on my own, to find my own way to where they are, to reach that final destination of eternal happiness, to navigate through this world and all the ups and downs it tends to throw into our paths.

I want nothing more than to take this pain away from my surviving children, my parents, his parents, his siblings. I want their ache to lessen, their tears to dry up.  Their smiles to come back and be as full and as bright as they were before.  I am left wondering if they will ever be that bright again,, if the tears will ever stop... they are getting less and less, but they still come. 

It's weird, this feeling of being lonely yet not alone.. Nothing seems to fill the void.. the emptiness...

We are coming up on another first.  Our first Easter with half of our hearts,  The first Easter in 21 years I have no reason to buy candy or toys, or Easter outfits.  21 years.  I have been a Mum for 21 years,, a wife for 12 of those.  What am I now?  Now I am a friend,  Now, I'm still a Mum, only not to any kids in my house,Now I am single,, again, sigh, Now I am a widow, Now I am.... the forgotten horse,, and it is my journey that I am facing head on, my story I need to keep writing, through the heartache and the tears,  and I pray I am able to help others who feel like they too are forgotten horses I encounter along my way.