Time

it stops for no one.  I think I am lucky in the sense that I don't feel forgotten by anyone.  My friends, my ward family, my family, continually reach out to me, not a week goes by that someone doesn't stop by, drop something off for me, or just walk in and give me a hug.

My favorite hugs are those from my boys.... the 11-13 yr old boys that are friends with Levi.  They don't even hesitate, they see me and come charging, AND I LOVE IT.  I don't know all their names, *brainmush*, but I recognize every single one of them.  And I cherish every single one of those hugs.  Very few people hug you like adolescent boys.  They are at the 'I'm cool and I am going to be a big jerk to you in front of my friends to show them how cool I really am' stage, so when they hug you,,,, TAKE IT!

120 days.  How have I done this for 120 days?  1/3 of a year? It seems like it's been forever since I have seen your faces, heard your laughter, felt your arms around me or the tender kisses on my forehead that you both loved to give.  Levi you took that job that your oldest brother gave you so very seriously!!, Jake asked you to look after me and you did it... you made sure I knew you loved me every night,, every time I left for work, every time I left the house actually.  It was a challenge you and your dad liked to fight over,, who got to give me the last forehead kiss for the night,, because that one lasted longer,,, *your dad always won,, haha, only because you went to bed before we did!*

I am home alone right now, yet I hear the floor above me creaking like you are walking across it, perhaps to come downstairs and check on me?  Is it weird that I hear you walking across our floor every month?  Sometimes it's every week, some times it's every day, some times I don't hear it for weeks, but then I hear you.  I never go upstairs to check,, I want you here as long as you can be.  I know it's you, I would know your steps anywhere.  *it's funny the things we remember*  You came to me last night in a dream,, at least I think it was a dream,, I never remember them, I just remember waking up feeling completely comforted and at peace... like I was in your arms again.  Then I got up and you vanished.  So no, I don't go check upstairs when I hear you walking across the floor.

My heart hurts.  Just when I don't think it can hurt anymore something happens and that wound is ripped wide open. The other day it was your bar of soap in our shower.  *I have such a hard time remembering we are not we anymore... and when I say we people expect to see you standing behind me*  I just grabbed it and sat on the shower floor and cried for 20 minutes.  I miss you.  I miss us.  I miss who I was when we were together.  I thank God every day for our chance meeting, for that guy making three phone calls while we were on a date, giving me the perfect opportunity to realize something and someone better was out there... and The Lord brought you right to me!!

A bunch of us are going to the accident site today,,, we are putting up a memorial, and releasing balloons for you guys,,, black and yellow for Levi, and blue and white for Toddie!   I hope you know how much I love you, and how very much you are missed every. single. day.

120 days down,,,,,,,  the rest of my earthly life to go.