Muddlin' through it all

and trying to keep my head above water.  It's been a ride, these last 4 1/2 months.  Not necessarily one I would take again, willingly.  I feel like I have been on the brink of tears all week,, all week?? Let's try the last 4 months.

People ask me how I am doing and I usually give the expected response of "I'm ok"... at least I think it is what people want to hear, and unless you are really close to me, both physically and emotionally that is the response you will get,,  I am scared of people not asking me any more.. I am terrified of people not checking on me,, of thinking it is a bother to, or they don't want to see me cry any more.  HELL I don't want to see me cry anymore.

I keep myself obscenely busy.  I am working two jobs, so that is 50+ hours a week, then I have an incredible group of the most amazing friends, that make sure I am still alive daily. They stop by or call, or find some way to harass me that I love.  *both my married and single friends!!, cause that's how I roll!!*

When I stop and actually think, I get scared.. I 'what if' myself into an anxiety attack... oh not about the accident, more about what the future holds for me.  You see, the plan was for Todd and I to grow old together, to enjoy having an empty nest, our grandkids, to watch our kids venture out on their own, and start their own families, for us to argue about whether or not we could afford for me to spoil those grand babies,, and We would fight about it!, haha,  we were going to travel, we were going to serve a mission together..  we were going to....

Now I get to do all those things on my own.  LUCKY ME!  Our second oldest daughter is getting married next weekend, and I feel like an outsider.  Just one of the things Todd and I were supposed to do together.  *Sigh*  I miss him so much right now.

So I just muddle through.  I have started going to grief counseling, and I think it's helping.  It's certainly making me face the things I would rather keep locked in the room I have all their stuff locked in. I don't want to deal with any of it.  I would rather hide.  I would rather pretend it isn't a permanent part of my reality.  I would rather go bowling, or watch a movie, or go to dinner and laugh and joke with my friends.  I would rather do anything but face my reality.

One thing I really hate hearing is "how are you doing this?"  my response is "doing what?,, living?"  People expect me to be in bed, all day,, every day,, bawling,, maybe I need to do that,, maybe I should just take a couple days and let it all out... be the freaking train wreck y'all expect me to be.  I could use it,. I could use a good bawl session. I am exhausted,, from being strong,, from faking it.  Even when I feel like I am not faking it, I am faking it.

I feel like a stranger in my own reality.  And it sucks.