I'm ok..but I'm not ok,,

And that's ok!  ,,,, this is a title I am borrowing from another blogger who buried his son a year ago.  It's one I read when Todd was sick and it helped me realize I can be ok, and not be ok at the same time, and it's perfectly, well,,,,OK!  

I'm in Arkansas, visiting my brother in law, and having so much fun. No responsibilities, no pressure to do anything, he's taking very good care of me... Yet everywhere I look I see an empty hole.  He took me into town to find a souvenir or two to take home, and I realized there was no need to buy anything. No one is waiting at home for me to come back.  Scott, my bil, smoked ribs tonight for dinner, and they were soooo stinkin' good,  I snapped a picture to send to Todd, and quickly remembered,,,,,,,,so, I deleted the picture.  We had always talked about coming out here together to see Scott and spend some time with him,, and here I am,  getting to do what we talked about,,, alone.  

I'm really struggling with this whole alone thing.   Not that I am wanting to get married again, I just want my husband back.  He was my rock,,  my pillar, my biggest cheerleader, the love of my life.  I waited almost 30 years to find him, and only got him for 12 1/2. Im feeling ripped off in both the wife department and the mum department.  I was supposed to still have a son at home,  have one more child to go through the teen crap years with, the struggles,, the fights,, the broken curfews and rules,,, now there's just silence where there was supposed to be arguing.  Eerie silence.    

I used to love shopping,  be it grocery shopping, birthday shopping, clothes shopping,souvenir shopping on trips,,,, I didn't care,,, now I get anxiety over going to the store... Shopping for one sucks,,, and honestly I never know what I'm going to see that could trigger a tear fest. 

I'm struggling with this new me lately.  A lot.  I don't feel whole anymore. I sleep with a teddy bear, actually three teddy bears. And I panicked if one is out of place and I wake up unable to find it.  

There's so much more I want to write but seriously I'm kinda getting tired of the whining that goes on on this blog.  So let's just leave it at this,,,,, 

My closest friends and family are telling my pe to give it time,,,, it gets,,,no wait,,let me rephrase that,,, you learn how to live with the pain, it never gets easier, you just learn to navigate through it,,,, so if you ask me how I'm doing,,,,,, chances are,  you'll probably get this response,,,,

I'm ok, but I'm not ok,,,,and that's ok!

One day at a time, one hour at a time.  One minute at a time...