I miss.....

the old me... the one that was carefree, happy, laughing.  I want her back.  I want to walk into my home with eagerness to see my husband and son waiting for me,, not dread of walking into an empty house. 

Last night I worked until 9 pm.. guess what it was doing when I left work,, SNOWING,, it was snowing!  WTH????  *que anxiety*  I bawled all the way home,, my knuckles were white from clenching the steering wheel so tight.  THE SNOW WASN'T EVEN REALLY STICKING!

The old me would've not really cared,, gotten in the car and driven cautiously but,, no big deal!

I hate feeling needy. I hate feeling like I am bringing others down around me.  I hate crying.  I hate the dreams that are invading the night.  I hate feeling broken.  I hate missing them so much that I literally can not move.  I hate every morning that comes,, it just feels like groundhog day over and freaking over.  I hate having to tell the same story over and over. I hate the look of pity from strangers, and people who have no clue what to say when I say I am having a bad day.  I hate the stock I need to buy in Kleenex.  I hate sleeping with my teddy bear and waking up in a panic because it is on the other side of my bed.  *happens almost nightly!!  geesh I am 42 years old WTH!* I hate not caring. I hate this hole in my heart that will forever be present.  More then ever,  I hate the new me. 

I miss the old Rhonda.  She was incredible!!!  And I want her back.