Time to change that up just a little bit.
There seems to be something happening every single month that brings tears to my eyes. Time to reflect:
January - was a complete blur, all I remember was going on the cruise that was our Christmas present from Todd's parents... we were both looking forward to just being together...
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things...
New memories, every one of them with my inlaws... laughing, crying, joking, exploring foreign places, ziplining through an absolutely gorgeous lush green forest.. smiling
February - Jake's birthday, and the nationally known suck up to your spouse day,,,
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things...
Jake got a year older, and I survived it! haha
Valentines Day is still overrated in my books.. never liked it when Todd was here, still don't, I think it's a ridiculously over-commercialized holiday.
(the rest of February is still a blur as well! go figure)
March - Levi's birthday.
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... That the boy I raised is now a man! I still marvel at how old he looked the last time I saw him. Such a handsome young man. All in white... ready for what ever his next mission was. And that memory brings a smile to my face, and yes I still blink back the tears, and I probably always will, and that is OK!
April - Easter
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... My Savior Lives! And Families are Forever because of my Savior.
May - Mother's Day, and our Anniversary
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things.... I am loved beyond measure. I am continually blown away by the amount of love you all continue to shower me with!
June - Father's Day, and Kenzie's birthday (some years these two events are on the same day!)
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... My kids have the BEST dad in the whole world! And he is still with them continually guiding them and comforting them and for that I am truly grateful!
July - Kenz and I took a road trip that both excited us and terrified us.
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... No matter what I love that girl, and she loves me, and together, (along with her brother), we can do hard things! I think this is when things started to turn for me, when the fog lifted, when I felt like I could breath again. Her and I got to honestly spend time together, just us, no Dad to be a buffer, no distractions, just us.. and I honestly can not think of a time when I have laughed harder or loved her more, and realized I am so very proud of the woman she is becoming. I don't have to agree with all her choices, and she knows I don't, and I know she doesn't agree with all of mine, and that doesn't matter,, what matters is LOVE,, we love each other, and we support each other.
August - A 5k for Team Todd and Levi, and my birthday
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... I am loved beyond measure. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am in awe of all the love and support
September - Back to School, and court
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... As all my friends are posting pics of their kids getting ready for their first day at Middle School, I cried. My heart ached, yet on the other hand, I sighed with relief at the thought of all the money I didn't have to spend on school fees,supplies, lunches, weird I know,, but it gave me comfort. haha. Court,,, I survived, and I am still smiling,, let's leave it at that. Although it does give me comfort to hear from close friends, when I say they should've been there to see the Judge's reaction to what the driver said, and my friends say,, "I couldn't have done it,, I would've lost it.. etc etc" Guess I am not so much crazy!
October - Todd's birthday, Canadian Thanksgiving, Halloween
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... Friendships are amazing, love conquers all, and there is much to be thankful for! I am seeing friends post pics of carving pumpkins with their littles, and my heart aches,,, I have no clue why,,,,I HATE CARVING PUMPKINS!!! Now I have no reason to hate it? haha who knows!
November - Thanksgiving, Black Friday shopping
What I will take away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... Don't laugh, black friday shopping is HUGE for our household! I haven't been able to do it for years due to having to work, so I am looking forward to spending thanksgiving with Kenz and Jeff at their house, and shopping for a wedding on the absolute craziest day of the year!
December - An anniversary I would rather not have, My missionary comes home, Christmas
What I will take away from it: I can AND WILL continue to do hard things...
I will smile, I will cry, I will celebrate their lives, I will hug that young man THE SECOND I see his face, I will be surrounded by loved ones as we celebrate our Savior's birth.
I have been sitting here all month dreading this quarter. Dreading the things that are coming up.
My perspective has been way off.
What an incredible journey we have been on this last year!! Alot of falling, picking ourselves up, brushing ourselves off and carrying on, a lot of tears, love, new friendships, old friendships rekindled, alot of hugs, I love you's....
This new skin feels weird,,and I am still trying to figure out and maneuver through this new Me as I go, and just like every other thing we face in life, there is no manual,.. there is no how to book. OK OK, there are books on grief, but honestly,, BLECH! no one can tell you how to do this,, grief is personal, my grief is so different from my parents, Todd's parents, my kids, our friends...*not at all any greater or less than theirs,, just different!* This is a stumble and learn process like everything else.
I have done things I never ever thought I could. I have said "see you soon" to two of people I love most, way before I ever thought I would have to, I have made decisions I never thought I would be making at this point in my life, I have made mistakes, I have forgiven what I thought was impossible to forgive, even when forgiveness has not been asked for, *I still chuckle at that whole court scenario*, I have become a new person,, and through it all,,, I know...
I can and I will continue to do hard things! Just like the rest of you!
And we will continue to love and support each other as we stumble through our own personal journey's.
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