My New Years Resolution

Dear Mr. Sumbot:

You told me 3 years ago you thought you hit a deer, you sobbed in my arms as you told me how sorry you were for taking a huge chunk of my world, you told me you were sober.  I said, that I forgive you, that it wasn't your fault, that I didn't blame you, you lied to me and told me you had NOT been drinking that night,, and I continued to forgive you, to try to let go of the anger, even after I found out your blood alcohol level was almost twice the legal limit that night,, Then 2 years ago, you took a stand I never thought you would take,,, you denied being the reason my life was ripped apart, you denied driving while intoxicated, you denied being responsible for killing anyone that night, YOU LIED...That's when your apology became nothing, that's when my heart grew cold towards you.

Up until that moment, you would come into my place of work and seek me out to hug me, to say hi, and I let you.  You would come up to me at church and tell me Mother's day was a hard day for you, and I listened.  You would drive by my home, trying to do who knows what....  Up until THAT moment, I let you.  Then the anger came back full throttle,,,,

I have held onto my anger for 2 years, I have let you have power over me for 2 years.  I have let you cause me to have anxiety attacks when you became employed at my place of employment, and the place that I considered one my safe places.  I have let your lies, your denial of your actions that night continue to haunt me.

People have told me you are having health issues that have all stemmed from that night.   I can't say that I am sorry about that.  Although I can't say I want anything bad to happen to you either.  It's a very tangled web.  When you see me in public your wife bolts in the other direction while you look at me and wink, like we have some deep, dark secret that no one knows about.

Through 2017,I have learned I can do hard things, things I have been avoiding doing because of your decision, things I never thought I would ever do again with a smile on my face. Above all,  I have come to terms with the fact that you will never accept responsibility for your actions that night,, I blame two people for that,, you,, obviously,  and the District Attorney for not prosecuting you to the fullest extent of the law.

 Here is how I plan on healing and finally be able to let go of my anger towards you, here is my 2018 New Years Resolution:

I am taking back control of me. 
I give this back to you to carry,, this is not mine to carry any more, it never was,  this was your doing, not mine, and certainly not those who's lives you took that night.
I  let go of my anger towards you.  It does nothing but cause me anxiety and panic attacks, when I see you in public, and I no longer give you control over me. I feel pity for you, that you can not face reality, that you will be living the rest of your life in a state of denial.
I will remember to breathe when I see you, I will look away, I will NOT acknowledge you, or your existence.  We are not friends... we do not have a deep dark secret that no one else knows.
I will NOT allow you to control where I shop, where I go to run errands and visit friends.
I  pray that you can one day offer the apology that you should've offered to me and my family that day in court.
I acknowledge that my hope for a sincere apology will most likely never come from you.


I will be happy. I will allow myself to have sad moments, moments when I miss them, when my arms ache to hold them again.  And I will continue to get up and move forward, although this time, without the anger.

 I am giving all that back to you.

Sincerely,

The one taking back control of her life.