3 years tomorrow,,, my entire world turned upside down, and Just when I think I have a handle on my emotions, they jump up and slap me in the face,, hard.
I have had to come to accept that things will never be as they used to be. I try not to live in fear.. try to continue to move forward... do you know there is a difference between moving forward and moving on, I didn't either, until I had to move forward,,,, moving on indicates there is something that needs to be left behind,,, you move on from an abusive relationship, from a negative influence,, moving forward,, you take with you what you "lost". There is nothing for me to leave behind... I take my boys with me everywhere I go.
I figured I had everything under control this year. I was good,,, THANK HEAVENS, my boss has given me "if needed" PTO for this week, I can work if I want to, but if I need, I can have the entire week off with pay.... I went to work yesterday.. kept as busy as I could,, one of the team leads in my office is a widower, and we talk. It's a bond you instantly have with someone who has also lost someone they love more than anything in the world.... and somehow manages to keep moving forward. It's a small comfort,,, although this pain I would wish on no one... anyhow, I digress.. after work I went to orientation for my second job,, yep I took a job at McDonald's just up the street from our home, so I can get my credit up, pay things off, and maybe, just maybe, get a little ahead of the game and have some savings... we will see how long it lasts... So I am on my way to orientation, and the fog is so stinking thick,, some jacket thought he had enough time to turn left right in front of me,,, and even though I slammed on my brakes, I came sooo freaking close to hitting him,, I had to remind myself to breathe for the first time in a long time and continued to my orientation. After I got home, I burst into tears,, asking Tom why,, why do people have to be in such a hurry,, IT"S NOT WORTH IT!!! Fast forward to this morning,, and I am up and ready for work,, head out the door, and taking it slow because once again the fog and the inversion is immensely thick, and someone else runs a red light on bangerter hwy and dang near rear ended me, then blew his horn at me... Clearly my fault.... and clearly not going to make it to work today.. so home I headed.
Now I sit here, thinking of how much things have changed in three years. This year, Tom and I decided we were going to participate in the "sub for santa" that MY Smith's is doing, and I reached out and asked for an 11-13 yr old boy,, for obvious reasons. We agreed to get him Lego's and a warm jacket. We are walking through costco and I ask Tom if we can please get him more toys, I know we agreed, but babe,, please,, I just want to make a young boy happy.... tears streaming down my face. SO STUPID!!!!! I was wanting to give this young man the Christmas Levi didn't get. We stuck to our agreement and got him what we had agreed to. Not once did I feel ridiculed or irresponsible for my tears or my desire to give to this young man. Tom is fantastic at that.. talking sense into me with out belittling me or making me feel ridiculous. <3
The other day I had to go to the mall to get a screen protector for my phone,, Malls give me anxiety, I struggle with watching parents parent,, getting frustrated with their kids,,, I used to be one of those moms,, always in a hurry,, trying to shuffle kids on errands they didn't want to be part of... I struggle with watching husbands with their wives, holding hands, browsing,, blah blah blah. I struggle with happiness. So I go to the mall, run in and run out, and get back in my car faster than humanly possible, and head to Walmart to get a couple things.. Tom calls and says he will meet me there. I am wandering around Walmart looking at different gift ideas,, and start thinking about what would I be buying for Todd and Levi this year,,Todd was somewhat easy to buy for,, good smelling stuff, cuff links, something meaningful and mushy..... He loved whatever he got. Then it hits me, as I am wandering through toys,, I don't know my own son anymore. That Christmas we had got him legos,,, expensive sets that we knew he would love.. however this year,, he would be 14.... Lego's would most likely still be a go, HOWEVER, there would be body wash, cologne, shaving kits,, WHAT?!?!?!?! Tom walks around the corner and there I am, tears streaming down my face and he asks if I was in the lego isle... haha *he has figured out my triggers*, I sob and say,, I don't know my own son any more...
Bless this man's heart, he just wrapped his arms around me, and let me cry,, right in the middle of Walmart,,, I have no idea how many people saw me, or looked at me as they walked by, and I don't really care,, I was wearing a bra, so that's a step up right? haha
One step forward,, two steps back....
Last night Tom dropped off our gifts for that young man, and the lady that greeted him says in shock "This is from Rhonda,,,, Rhonda Johnson?? oh I think of her often,, she has no idea how much we love her" He paid a bill the other day, and somehow my name came up, and the lady there says "is that the woman who lost her husband and son a few years ago?" How many people remember what happened that cold stormy night? How many lives did one person's decision change?
All I can hope is that while I am busy trying to catch up to whomever in this crazy race, my story has touched someone,,, somewhere, and made them slow down just a little, not be in such a hurry,, perhaps even say no to that last drink,, call an uber.... This is my step forward.. this is my hope.. and this is why I share everything regarding my journey... I hope against all hope that perhaps someone, somewhere, changes their mind and makes a good decision that won't impact more people than they can imagine.
So I will keep moving forward, carrying my load, with my army beside me,, continue to pray that this burden is just a little lighter for my children,, and we all try to get through this Christmas season, and that we keep the true meaning of Christmas in our hearts. And keep my boys, that no matter how long we are apart, I will always know, close to our hearts.
Merry Christmas to all......
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