When you don't know what to say,,,, just hug.

I have been thinking about posting this all week... do I... don't I?  Since when have I ever held anything back...


My heart hurts... more than normal lately..

I got the news on Monday that a friend of mine lost her husband to pneumonia...He had cancer and was fighting a formidable fight... that he just couldn't fight anymore.

 Immediately my anxiety kicked in. Not for myself, but for the pain and heartache I knew this friend of mine would be experiencing in the days, weeks, months to come.  How desperately I wanted to run to her home and just grab her and her babies and pull them into my bubble.. protect her and her chickens from what was coming...

Then I got a couple phone calls and a few texts...

"I hope this isn't too forward...."

"... pointers in how I can help..."

"I NEED to help her but I don't know how..."

"what helped you..."

How grateful I am that my friends know that I so do NOT get offended by these questions.  Maybe this is how I am supposed to help...

So here are my pointers for helping someone who is going through grief,, no matter what type of grief,, the pain is the same....

• DO NOT say "I'm sorry"  No one is sorrier than the person going through it.. This is something people say when they don't know what to say, and honestly, it gets exhausting to hear it.. over and over and over... Instead,, say "I love you"  and leave it at that.  
• DO NOT ask "what can I do?"  No one is thinking straight,,, especially the days following such a loss, our minds are on funeral preparations, the kids,, no matter how old,, and how on earth are we going to get up tomorrow... Just do it... just grab the person and get them out of the house.. one thing that sticks out in my mind is the night after my accident, three ladies showed up and just walked in and started cleaning,, my kitchen,, picked up Levi's room, with permission of course,  cleaned my bathrooms, and got my house ready for the entourage of company that was coming... I just sat on the couch,, numb... and the only thing I remember them asking was if anything needed to be done in Levi's room,, everything else they just did. They didn't ask what could they do, they JUST DID.  *keep in mind respect is huge here... don't disturb things that were left by the deceased without permission*
• Everyone else will be bringing dinner,, grab them and go for a drink,, dessert,,, a drive... sit on the couch and let them cry, yell, scream,, cuss until the cloud over the house is so dark you think a lightening storm is coming,,, hug them,, hold their hand,, just be there..
• A pampering basket, full of bath stuff to help them sleep,, when sleep decides to come.
• A stuffed animal with some representation of the deceased on it.. to hold, to snuggle, to yell at and to throw against a wall *don't judge, anger comes and goes like the tears do*
• She/He will break down,, eventually, and it will be huge,, maybe not at first,, it may be just a tiny break down,, and over time it will get bigger,, STOCK UP ON COFFEE POTS and China,, *hit the second hand stores*  Did you know coffee pots "PING" when thrown against a hard object and this is very therapeutic! 
• I know the urge to give grief help books is overwhelming,, resist it.. seriously,,, the last thing I wanted was to read about the right way to grieve, or how the Lord is there for me,,, I know all this stuff... it really helps,, later,,, not now though,, now is the time for anger, and tears.
• DO NOT say everything happens for a reason,, it's a lie... everything does NOT happen for a reason,, unless that reason is for us to go through trials,,, I believe we agreed to certain trials in the pre-existence, and we knew what we were getting,, dang veil gets in the way in this mortal life and we forget,, I also believe if we put all our trials into a pile and were given the opportunity to pick what ever trial we wanted, we would pick up OUR own trials!  
• Most importantly,, let them know you are there, any time... day or night, ESPECIALLY after every thing has calmed down,, the funeral is over, every one has gone back to their respective lives, and she/he is left alone,,, to figure out their new reality...  sometimes we need to be alone,, other times, we desperately need someone to grab our hand and say "come on,, let's do this"  but the thought of being "that person", or a burden is so overwhelming we forget to reach out and ask for help, or a shoulder, or a helping hand because the laundry is piling up and the kids are hungry and all we want to do is sit... 

*18 months later and I still just walk into my #inseperablesisters house and cry when needed,, be angry, unreasonable even and they all let me, that is my judgement free zone right there, we all need one!!!* WE all need that  person that will just let us go through this,, at our own pace.. there is no time line for grief.. there will always be triggers,, tears will always fall, at random, sometimes not so random...  BE THAT PERSON!!!


I don't pretend to know everything when it comes to grief...it is a personal journey, so take this for what it's worth..

Looking back these are the things that helped, or didn't help,,, and continue to do so.

Love is the ultimate gift.