Butterflies, Dragonflies and Winnie the Pooh

I can't tell you the exact time that Winnie the Pooh became such a big important part of my life... I do remember being asked who my favorite Disney character was, at a younger, early adult age, and answering Eeyore. He is depressing,, gloomy, sad... gets all the hard crap in life, and keeps going,,, with his friends beside him along the way, urging and encouraging him on!!

I do know when we bought our first house together, and I was able to do the kids rooms, Levi's was going to be Winnie the Pooh themed... I have pictures somewhere... it was gorgeous, and so much fun to do... We did all the kids rooms that year,, Kenzie's was a beach themed room complete with hammock and sand on the walls, I don't remember what Jake's was, but we did them all!  

It was the one song that calmed that baby boy down,,, "deep in the 100 acre woods, where Christopher Robin played,,, you'll find the enchanted neighborhood, of Christopher's childhood days,,, a donkey named Eeyore is his friend, and Kanga and little Roo, there's Rabbit, and Piglet, and there's owl, but most of all Winnie the Pooh!,,," Even as an infant,, this is the ONE song that stopped his crying,,, and as he got older, it usually helped calm him down in the midst of one of his temper tantrums... *he was the only one of my kids that EVER had a full blown tantrum, over and over and over again!*  I remember my mum was visiting us in Magrath one year, and Levi,  just a baby, was crying and crying and wouldn't stop,, Mum came over with him in her arms and said "ok Rhonda, sing THAT stinkin song!" She stood by me, rocking him in her arms, and within seconds of him hearing me sing he stopped crying,,, I have no clue how or why it worked,, but it did,, even when he was 9 and throwing the biggest screaming and yelling fit in his room, I would sit in his doorway, when I had the patience and mindset to do so, and sing the song quietly, and he would calm down,, and we would be able to talk about what was wrong... I changed names up as he got older, to be our family,, A donkey named Daddy is his friend, and Kenzie and Ashie, too, there's Jacob, and Andrew, and there's Adam, but most of all Levi the pooh!  The first time I did that, he was mid scream/cryfest, and he stopped suddenly and busted out laughing... :-)  Sometimes he would plug his ears and tell me it wasn't going to work, but it always did.

Butterflies became a sign for me, after the accident... a sign of rebirth, of life continuing on in all it's beauty,, of the struggles one faces before even entering their cocoon to endure even more struggles before transforming into such a beautiful completely different creature. I went and got two tattoos of butterflies,, the first one on my ankle,, blue, and yellow, gorgeous,, to remind me I am never walking alone.. they are always with me.

 The second is a more subtle white tattoo on my left wrist, in white ink, it's really hard to find someone who will do a white ink tatt,, with a semi colon as the body of the butterfly, representing me, and the depression I have had for years, and the anxiety and ptsd that manifested after the accident,, the wings are my boys, pushing me forward to the end of my story,, because for some weird reason, I am not done yet,, I need to keep writing.

   I have seen more butterflies in the past 3 months than in my entire life... Every time I see one, I think of my boys.. letting me know that I have got this, and they are missing me as much as I miss them..

I saw two dragon flies early last week, and immediately thought of my boys.once again letting me know they are with me, and never far from me.

I rarely share these moments, because I like to think of them as just for me,,, later that afternoon. a friend of mine posted this on facebook, not knowing what I had seen earlier that day,

yea that pretty much triggered tears!  Guess what I want now,,, another tatt... of a dragonfly,, yep! Not gonna get it,,, but I want to.  

I made a decision this last week,, and feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  

When I got divorced from my first marriage, people would come up to me and say, "oh I saw your ex...." and my reaction was seriously,, "ok... and....?"  It didn't affect me,, ,it didn't hurt me.. and I didn't feel anything, let alone anger or resentment.  I was happy with where I was in life.. not my ideal choice of where I wanted to be, but I lived life happily.  

I want that feeling back again.  This is in NO way where I wanted to be at this point in my life.. I never dreamt in a million years that I would be on my own at 43,, *well 42 is when it started haha*  I want to be happy.. I strive to be happy.  I look for the things that matter, I smile when I want to cry...I think I have a fantastic handle on things, I think I have forgiven the man that ripped my life from me, then someone brings him up, tells me whatever negative thing is happening in his life that they have witnessed.. and I get why, I really do,,, it's a friends way of letting you know they are on your side,, that they have your back etc etc etc...   And I love the support. I truly do... 

How can I say this without sounding like a complete bag... I don't want to hear it... I catch myself feeding into it, in certain conversations, and walk away feeling like I did that day we went and saw him in court,,, and I think,, "well that brought up all that anger and resentment,, stupid move Rhonda!"  Don't get me wrong, if you have questions please ask them,, I will do my best to answer.

My goal, is to move forward,, to be happy with where I am in life.. live it to the fullest, help others realize it is ok to forgive and move forward, letting go of the anger and ill wishes,, AND it in NO way means you have to be friends with whomever has "wronged" you or hurt you, but it does help you move forward and be genuinely happy, and take away the wrong doers power to continue to hurt you over and over again, To help others see the butterflies and dragon flies, and remember the Winnie the Pooh moments in their lives with smiles and fondness.  There are too many positives to dwell on negatives.  

It will continue to be a daily thing... to give forgiveness to one who refuses to ask for it... but in doing so I take away his power to hurt me on a daily basis.  

So I will continue to do so,, to forgive him daily, let go of the anger that seems to ebb and flow and trust that the Lord will be judge and jury when the time is right... and I will continue to look for the butterflies, dragonflies, and Winnie the Pooh moments, some days the tears will fall, and my heart will hurt, but it will NOT be because of him, I am no longer giving him that power over me, it will be because I know our boys are with us, and miss us as much as we miss them.

And they are our biggest cheerleaders.