For those of you who let technology scare you, so you don't venture out of your app bubble, timehop is an app that brings up memories from the past 8 years...
It's been both a blessing and a curse for me, It brings up pictures I have long since forgotten I even had, and sometimes it brings tears.
Today it brought up my blog about the court case and what happened that day 2 years ago. *when I think about how long it's been, since I have seen them boys,, or how Mr S is living his life free,,, that is when the tears come, so I don't think about that too much* It also brought up posts of 3 years ago, when I worked in Macy's and we were setting up Christmas in the store and how excited I was for Christmas... *and I am preparing my self for halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas pics from years before....*
It's funny how things change,,,
That first Christmas I was completely numb,, I remember having my family around.,, and crying an awful lot,,and wondering how on earth I was supposed to keep on keeping on.... sigh,,
The 2nd Christmas was bitter sweet,, we were all together,, Tom, two of his boys and I all drove down to St George and spent Christmas with Kenzie, Jeff, Jake and Emily. It was amazing! We laughed, we did some old tradition, that both of our family's have done, we started some new ones, we played games, we ate, we had some quiet moments of reflection, It was exactly what I needed, a reminder that we are allowed to be both happy and sad.
It's getting to be that time again,, I was reminded of that this morning as I left for work in long pants and a hoodie in blasted 40 degree weather (Ferinheit for my Canadian friends!) It is cold, and no matter how much I try to avoid it, Timehop keeps reminding me that once a upon a time,, in a land far far away... Christmas brought me joy and so much happiness. I am trying to tackle this anxiety head on this year. Talking about it with my kids, and Tom, and trying to make plans,,,do you know how hard it is to make plans with people that live in three different states, one couple has a new baby, one has a life of her own, and 4 have spouses/fiance's with family in the state they reside in???? *This is in no way meant as a guilt trip,, so please don't take it that way Offsprung Adults!! <3*
I still feel a sense of dread when I see Christmas decor, felt that this morning when I opened that blasted app and saw Macy's all decorated up,, I worry about driving in horrible weather like I never have before, the thought of decorating the house and putting up a tree is bitter sweet,, I love building new traditions, I think this year new decorations are in order though, we have twice as many people to buy for this year as well as a brand new grandson,,,, So I am trying to come up with various ideas we can do for the kids as they all start/ continue building their own homes with their spouses.
My thoughts still wander to Levi, and what I would be striving to get him, I find myself not wanting to sew jammies, but rather buy them,, I don't want to bake and do neighbor, actually I go back and forth on that one,, I like the neighbors. My thoughts wander to Todd, and I wonder where he would be at health wise,, would he still be here waiting for a transplant.... What would we be doing this year??
Then I come back to the present, and I look around me and see how blessed my life is,, as a result of such a tragedy.... Tom and his four kids and their significant others,,, my two kids and their spouses,,, grandbabies are starting to make their appearance,,, well one has lol,,,
So if you see me and I am looking stressed or sad, just hug me,, if you wish me a Merry Christmas and I offer back a weak smile, don't be offended,, it could just be a rough day.. they change regularly.. Just know I am still a work in progress and doing my very best.
Life is hard,, sometimes really crappy things happen to really incredible people, and in the end,, it is all worth it.
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