Moving forward is hard. No matter who you are or what you are moving forward from. My kids have to move forward every day knowing their children will never hear their Granpa's laughter, feel his hugs, or a kiss on their forhead. They will never get to "Hang out" with Uncle Levi, or be teased, or pushed out of his room, or go for a ride and learn the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody with him.
These are things I think about daily.. and as much as I try not to think about it, there are little reminders every where. Things I would rather not think about. I don't like thinking about the future without them. How tall would he be? Would we still be waiting for a kidney? Would he have died a "natural death" and would Levi still be here?
I can't watch the news,, it makes me cry when lives are senselessly taken because of other's choices. It also makes me so angry.
Then comes the guilt,,, guilt of going a day, an hour without thinking of them, guilt of continually thinking of them, guilt of moving forward, guilt over not crying for long periods of time,,,,,, guilt over being happy. Which is completely unwarranted,, Todd and I talked about what he wanted me to do, when he died. We both knew he was going to go first, I hated talking about it, I am so glad we did though. We discussed how I would never marry again,, who wants 3 marriages on their record,,,, seriously. I remember Todd looking at me and saying "FINE! Don't marry, but please be happy!!! Find happiness, find someone who makes you smile. Please don't be sad forever!" We talked quite abit about this actually.
It's funny because in the moments when I am the happiest is when little reminders come.
I took Tom out of the country for the first time in his life.. we went to Canada to visit my family and so he could meet the people up there that matter most to me. We hiked in Waterton, went to Pincher Creek for dinner, Lethbridge to shop, Magrath, and spent a lot of time in Cardston. I saw so many little dragonflies,, there was one that lives outside my Mum's sewing room window, he was just hovering there, and when I walked up, he flew a crazy 8 pattern through my legs and went back to the window and hovered there. Ahhhh Levi,,
I usually see them in groups of two, so it surprised me to see only one honestly. Then we were in Waterton hiking a little trail and a butterfly flew along with us, the entire trail. There was my boy right beside me and Tom hiking along.
I believe it's Levi and here's why,, Todd never wanted me to be sad. His only goal in life was for me to smile daily. If I was unhappy or upset, he always did whatever he could to make me happy, to make it right. Even if I was wrong. I believe that he is with me every day, but the physical signs are slowing down because he sees me happy,, his only goal is to see me smile.
I was in the car the other day, parked on the side of the road, and just started bawling. Man I was angry, angry that Todd left me here, that I didn't get to go with him and Levi, angry that I have to even attempt to make sense of all this.. and I was yelling at him in the car and cussing him out like nothing else, and suddenly a song came on the radio. Poison, Every rose has it's thorn. This was my sweet husband letting me know he was right beside me... still being a thorn in my side. When I realized what song it was I started laughing, and I actually said out loud "FINE!! I'll be happy, you're still a jerk!!" and got out of the car.
Tom had just pulled up and, seriously this man!!, he just looked at me and asked what song was playing on the radio. Yep he knows my triggers.
It still amazes me how two completely broken people managed to find each other and make each other whole again. I know that Todd, and Bobbi, had a hand in Tom and I coming into each others lives.
I continue to struggle every single day to even get out of bed, Never mind "adult" and go to work. It is a fight not to pull into my black abyss and just stay there. I think this is something I am expecting to struggle with every day for the rest of my life.. some days are definitely harder than others... and he helps me more than he will ever know. And when I am sobbing and asking why I am still here, his answer is "For your kids,, for me, I need you"
This man makes me laugh, he lets me cry, he is my rock. He has opened up to me things that he hasn't spoken of in years, over a decade. He has opened his heart to me, when he thought he had locked it and thrown away the key. We have taught each other it's ok to love again, and still love another. He is truly my best friend, and has told me I am his. My goal is to make him laugh every single day, and for both of us to get through this mess called life so we can be with our eternal companions again. I know the four of us will be amazing friends.
Just some ramblings of what I have been putting off saying the last few months,,, nonsensical sense of a widow in love.
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