"I want you to know, that when I am really struggling, I look for things that you post and it really helps me! I know you have been to hell and back again but I want you to know that you have given me strength when I wasn't sure I could keep going. It happened again this morning when you posted jakes blog. Thanks for rocking it!"
This grief thing is certainly not for the weak! It seriously has a mind of it's own. One minute I can be going along, happy as can be, living life, doing what I do.. and then out of nowhere I am in a ball on the floor gasping for breath because my heart physically hurts to keep beating. Some days I don't know if I'm coming or going. Some days... I feel like I could die of a broken heart. No not broken,, so much as shattered.. yet there are days I feel like I can tackle the world, or at least let it roll off my shoulders without bruising me. Some days I can see the old me,, the non widow me, and I miss her.. some days.
And I figure hey,, if it can help one person keep going,, then I will keep sharing. So thank YOU for sharing with me that me bearing my soul is helping you. Because honestly I couldn't keep it in if I wanted to!!
Let me just say, we all have our own personal hell we are each going through.. And mine is NO worse than yours!! All we can do is help each other get through it unscathed and knowing we are not alone and we are not being judged by one another.
Well I found a cute apartment! 5 miles from my house.. Far enough away that I can start fresh, close enough that I can still see my friends.
I wonder if I will ever be able to do anything again with out a little gray cloud causing rain drops to run out of my eyes and down my cheeks...
Saturday the 5th, Kenz and Jeff, Jake and Emily came up and helped me go through things in the house, and de junk,, lots of tears were shed on my part.. and bless my kids,, they are amazing, seriously patient and just plain awesome!!!
I got the keys on Monday the 7th, and when I went in to see it (it was under construction) I bawled. 1 floor, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, just me... reality checks suck sometimes!
I called Kenz and cried. And bless her heart, her words to me were so kind! "Mum, it will be ok! I promise. I am thinking you will do great with not so much empty space around you! I can't wait to see it!"
I went home and started packing,, feeling blue and depressed beyond reason. This was all too much,, too fast.. then again, when has my life ever been the teeniest bit slow? SIGH
Cari Jessup and Coleen, Todd's sister, came and helped me pack up my kitchen on Tuesday and I sat down at one point and just started crying. Cari just wrapped her arms around me and let me cry. I thank God EVERY SINGLE DAY for all my amazing friends!! Seriously!
Wednesday I enlisted help from the Jacob family, and Cari again to help me take over my kitchen and unpack it.. the girls were quick to lay claim to the spare room, which made my heart so happy!! There was CHAOS in my teenie apartment, and it felt like home. *happy sigh* Ok,, I can do this,, this is going to be incredibly awesome.
So I go home after work and pack up more boxes, and throw out more stuff, and just keep plugging along.
It doesn't help that I have been an emotional mess since I realized February was coming to an end and my baby's birthday was coming up. ON the 14th he'll be 13... (it feels weird to say he would have been 13, because no matter where he is,, it's still his birthday, and he will be 13.) My heart hurts, especially when I think about all the things I don't get to participate in with him,, the things I won't experience with him. I try not to think about it, because I would be a complete and udder mess if I did. And life has a way of pushing the pain and heartache to the side until the moment when we can just let it all out.
Jacob is getting married in 43 days! I hate seeing the wording of Rhonda Johnson and the LATE Todd Johnson on the invite. HE was supposed to be here.. sigh.
My reflection has changed in the mirror,, I look more tired. not necessarily more weary, but definitely tired... I have more gray hairs. my smile has changed.. I see it mostly in my eyes.. not sure what it is, but they are different too. I see the world differently.. I love more, and harder, I say what I mean more and bite my tongue less *not always a good thing but...*
I want them back,, but I wouldn't change a thing... if that doesn't confuse you then you're doing better than me!!
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