March has been a rough month. The decision to move was not one that came lightly, although it did come swiftly... dang nab it! Honestly I am at peace with it.. 99.9% of the time... right until it hits me that this is the last home that I shared with my family... with my boys...
It's his birthday tomorrow... he is turning 13. What I would give to be able to plan a birthday party for him.. To cover HIS door with saran wrap and fill that with balloons.. and hear his delightful laugh as he gets up in the morning and opens his door to be assaulted by balloons. What I would give to argue with his Dad about how I don't care that we can't afford that lego set he is dying to have, I will bust my butt to get it for him.. I still can't walk down any lego isle in ANY store without having a pit the size of a sink hole in my stomach. To make the PERFECT cake for him, whatever he is into,,, to hug him and embarrass him as he walks out the door to school.... to be able to celebrate all his awesomeness.
Instead, this year, I am sitting in a living room,, packed and filled with boxes containing what I will take with me as I move towards freedom and peace... and I am looking at this stupid door I just can't seem to throw out.. it's warped and will probably never fit any doorframe in any house I live in,.. but it's the last present I gave him... when I look at it, all I remember is his awesome excitement at seeing it,, you would've thought we had given him THAT lego set he wanted.... instead this door cost us $12 to paint and redo,,, and his reaction made up for the failure I felt like for only being able to give him this. For not being able to give him more that year. 2 years ago... this is the second birthday that has come, without him here.... would he still be into Dr who? I know he would be so excited for the Batman vs Superman movie coming out,,, I desperately want to go but am scared I will bawl the entire movie.
You all think I am so strong,, and amazing,,and, and, and..... your words not mine... I want to hide tomorrow.... I want to hide from now until Tuesday. I want to knock on one particular person's door and slap him, punch him so hard in the gut he can't catch his breathe!,,, I want him to feel 1 ioda of the pain I feel every single day, and I push down and try to quiet with laughter and keeping busy.... I want HIM to be the one to move.. I want him to be the one to have to go through years of memories and such and decide which ones are worthy to keep and which can be trash... I want HIM to be the one that wakes up from a dead sleep because he reaches for his love and she isn't there because of HIS actions.... I want him to be the one to have to celebrate his child's birthday... WITHOUT his child!!
I want to be able to look him in the eye and tell him I forgive him.. and mean it.. I want to be able to see him at his place of work and not want to throw up, or have to walk around his department so I don't have to see him. I want to be able to .... OMG I am a mess. Hahaha I have deleted these last two paragraphs three times because I don't want to show weakness,, but tonight,, I am allowing myself that weakness. I am going to allow myself to be just human for a few hours. After all, I have never lied or sugar coated my life before,, why start now right?
I miss them every single day. Some days tears fall, and those days are becoming a little less with time, most days I remember them both with love and peace in my heart. What kills me is seeing my kids pain,, my parents pain, Todd's parents pain.. I want desperately to take it from them and let them all go back to living and loving and not having hatred and hurt in their hearts.. because,, after all I am *explicit descriptive word inserted here* super woman. What I would give to be able to do this for them all!
I hate that one person can hurt so many people...
I love that one person, in this case 2 people, can touch so many lives...
Tom said to me last night,, "I didn't ever meet the boy and I miss him!" Oh my heart strings...
This boy of mine is special,, I always knew he was,, just didn't understand how much so.
So bear with me tomorrow, if you text me and I don't answer... (you all know I will most likely answer because Heaven forbid I ever leave a text unanswered!) but just know....
This Mum is going to hide, just a little... in the house she shared with her family... before she has to close the door one last time on Saturday. Who knows, maybe I will even venture down stairs and just be there....
this right here. captures his entire spirit,, as big as it is!!!
Love you Rhonda!!!
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