Moving forward, one gets to take things with them.. memories, love, happiness, even the sadness, anger, hatred...no matter how we want to leave it behind,,It was said to me at one point in my doubting my decision that sometimes you need to physically move out of that situation in order to be able to leave that negativity behind, no matter how much you are surrounded by love and positivity!
I walked into OUR home for the final time yesterday,,,
to clean, and pick up the odds and ends that were left there on Saturday. There were a few dings that needed to be patched so I went to work, while my friend, her girls, and "my" kids from next door, cleaned and wiped down walls, and picked up the yard. They came and told me there were a couple dings downstairs that needed to be filled,,, *GULP* haven't been down there since Jake moved out in December, and even then it was only for a minute or two... ok no big deal,,, I went down and patched up the holes... and then I thought "well I should check the bedroom and make sure" It's like the tear ducts just knew when I had entered that room,, every one was up stairs cleaning and wiping and I sunk to the floor and cried for about 5 minutes. Empty... I hate that feeling... and that is how it felt.. completely and utterly empty. Not one sign that that sweet boy of mine had ever even been there. No clothes tossed on the floor, no garbage in the corner, no drawings from his friends or sketches he had done hanging on the walls. Nothing. It hurt. So much. To my very core, all I could think of was, "it's like he was never even here in this space"
As I got up and headed back upstairs, I glanced in the "lego room" the room that I was so excited to let him have.. to let him get lost in his imagination in,, to build, to create... yep,, more tears.
I went back up to the main floor and just let it sink in for a minute, this was it.. This was my decision and mine alone to do this.. to close this chapter. To move forward, and in essence, move on, but OH MY HELL it's harder than I ever anticipated! Not so much the fear of never seeing my friends again, because let's face it,, no one can get rid of me that easily,, ,more of the fear of forgetting... forgetting what it sounded like to hear his laughter creep up the stairs, or hear footsteps over my head as his dad went from the bedroom to his mancave...(I had already closed the door to that room last week, and no way was I going in there again!) yes I heard those footsteps and that laughter long after they were gone. Fear of leaving behind what WE had created....
I sat in my car, after all my helpers had left, and watched the garage door close, the tears fell freely and I let them. I must have looked at the gear shift for what felt like eternity, before I finally put it into reverse and pulled away. I let the tears fall as I drove to Smith's to grab a few things,, I let the tears fall as my own personal Nephite wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tight it seemed to glue the broken together again. And I let the tears fall as I drove up THAT street one more time headed to my new home. (only have to go up that street now IF I go to THAT Smiths, and even then I can still not go up that street!)
As I headed down the road towards my new place, peace seemed to fill the car... the tears slowed and came to a stop.. I felt arms wrap around me, and I heard someone say "Let's do this,, we got you!"
I walked into my apartment, and was greeted with....
Peace... something I have not felt continually for a long time. Just complete and udder peace. What bliss.
The apartment is about 85% unpacked so I was able to just sit and enjoy it for a bit before heading to bed... you know that feeling you get when you walk in the door after being gone from home for an extended period of time,, that feeling of bliss, of being home,, where you know you belong... Yea,, I felt that again,, finally,,, last night. *actually have felt it every time I walk into my new living quarters!*
I am looking forward to moving forward,, and moving on, leaving the hate, the anger, the sadness and bringing the good, the happiness and EVERY SINGLE DROP OF ALL THAT LOVE with me. It's a good thing!
Thanks 7652 Yellowwood lane... it's be a ride.. and one I will never forget.
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