some days it is all I can do to even open my eyes in the morning... never mind function as a human being, and not zombie like! Lately they've all been hard. I get up, go to work, go over to Tom's for a bit,, when his schedule allows, then come home, shower, and go to bed. Zombiestance,, seriously how I feel most days lately, going through the motions of "living". But today,, the void in my heart was tangible. I have been on the brink of tears for the last few weeks, and some days I let them fall and other days,, I fake it.... today I faked it... kept it hidden. I am working on not letting them out at work... only because I am so freaking tired of crying!! HONESTLY,,,, how is it I can run out of willpower yet seem to have an endless supply of tears??? I would rather run out of tears,, just saying'!
Fast forward to today.
I am headed to spend the afternoon with these two angels and their siblings as soon as they get home from school. My chaos. My happy place.
On my way, I did something I have not done is almost two years.. I stopped by the accident site.. I put my hazards on, and just sat there. The weather was pretty much the same as it was the last time I came down to the site.,,, snow trying to melt and fighting to stay. I didn't stay long, just long enough to remember, to try to envision the events that unfolded,, to wonder what their last thoughts were.. did they think of me,, of his children,, of his siblings... did they.... no I can't go there again,, I feel like I am taking 10 steps backwards...
I put my car in drive, turn the hazards off and my signal on, and get back on the road and head to my inseparable sister's house. I walk in and am greeted by Gramma, (sista had an appointment and hubby went with her), and the absolute cutest smile ever, this little girl just grinned from ear to ear! Man I love this girl so much!! Donny,, bless his heart, looks at me and says "Hi Wonna!!! You here!" and gives me a big hug! I sit and Gramma and I talk a bit about how awesome her daughter is and how much of a strength the entire family is to me... as Gramma is getting ready to leave, I pick up my angel girl and smooch on her cheek... keep in mind this is a 1 yr old as I tell you this part,,, I pulled her into me for a quick hug and this little one snuggled right in! Not a "I'm tired so I am gonna lay my head down" but more a "I gotchu Auntie,, you had a rough day? here's an angel hug!" She rested her chin on my shoulder and pulled her arms around my neck. How did she know,,, she never will understand, how very much she has helped my heart heal... for about 20 of the 30 seconds she stayed there and held me, I felt the arms of my angel boy around my neck. It was a feeling I was starting to forget. I felt him latch his fingers behind my neck, I felt his breathe on my shoulder and his shaggy hair tickle my cheek. And I felt him let go, and at that moment that precious angel girl lifted up her head, looked at me and smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen, and put her head back on my shoulder. OH MY HEART!!! It's a huge thing to put on such a little girl, but that sweet baby was sent here at this time for a reason,, and forgive me for being selfish, *I know she has helped others heal* ,, she is my angel girl. She has such an amazing power to heal and just make all that is wrong in "my world" right. I am so eternally grateful for the way things happened that cold December night. I am forever thankful that, and this is hard for me to say because I would NOT wish this on anyone, my inseparable sister, and my bigger, younger brother were the ones that were right there that night,, that were with my husband and my baby boy the last few seconds of their lives,, that they knew who they were,,, that it wasn't a stranger that tried to help my boys... that it wasn't a stranger that said their names... If they didn't die immediately, that it wasn't a strangers voice they heard... that is what gives me comfort.
It wasn't someone I would never see again, it was someones, that would become my rock, my safe place, my hug, my sister, my brother, my nieces and nephews, my healing spot, my chaos, my family.
They have hugged me and shed tears with me when I cry, laughed with me over memories, shared parts of their lives with me, they really never had to,, at all. They share in my joy, encourage me, and love me without judging me *at least they don't judge me to my face hahaha* I can not express enough how very much I love this family. No matter how I feel when I walk in,, I always, ALWAYS walk out the front door with a smile on my face and my heart more than full... and that just feels good.
I am headed to spend the afternoon with these two angels and their siblings as soon as they get home from school. My chaos. My happy place.
On my way, I did something I have not done is almost two years.. I stopped by the accident site.. I put my hazards on, and just sat there. The weather was pretty much the same as it was the last time I came down to the site.,,, snow trying to melt and fighting to stay. I didn't stay long, just long enough to remember, to try to envision the events that unfolded,, to wonder what their last thoughts were.. did they think of me,, of his children,, of his siblings... did they.... no I can't go there again,, I feel like I am taking 10 steps backwards...
I put my car in drive, turn the hazards off and my signal on, and get back on the road and head to my inseparable sister's house. I walk in and am greeted by Gramma, (sista had an appointment and hubby went with her), and the absolute cutest smile ever, this little girl just grinned from ear to ear! Man I love this girl so much!! Donny,, bless his heart, looks at me and says "Hi Wonna!!! You here!" and gives me a big hug! I sit and Gramma and I talk a bit about how awesome her daughter is and how much of a strength the entire family is to me... as Gramma is getting ready to leave, I pick up my angel girl and smooch on her cheek... keep in mind this is a 1 yr old as I tell you this part,,, I pulled her into me for a quick hug and this little one snuggled right in! Not a "I'm tired so I am gonna lay my head down" but more a "I gotchu Auntie,, you had a rough day? here's an angel hug!" She rested her chin on my shoulder and pulled her arms around my neck. How did she know,,, she never will understand, how very much she has helped my heart heal... for about 20 of the 30 seconds she stayed there and held me, I felt the arms of my angel boy around my neck. It was a feeling I was starting to forget. I felt him latch his fingers behind my neck, I felt his breathe on my shoulder and his shaggy hair tickle my cheek. And I felt him let go, and at that moment that precious angel girl lifted up her head, looked at me and smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen, and put her head back on my shoulder. OH MY HEART!!! It's a huge thing to put on such a little girl, but that sweet baby was sent here at this time for a reason,, and forgive me for being selfish, *I know she has helped others heal* ,, she is my angel girl. She has such an amazing power to heal and just make all that is wrong in "my world" right. I am so eternally grateful for the way things happened that cold December night. I am forever thankful that, and this is hard for me to say because I would NOT wish this on anyone, my inseparable sister, and my bigger, younger brother were the ones that were right there that night,, that were with my husband and my baby boy the last few seconds of their lives,, that they knew who they were,,, that it wasn't a stranger that tried to help my boys... that it wasn't a stranger that said their names... If they didn't die immediately, that it wasn't a strangers voice they heard... that is what gives me comfort.
It wasn't someone I would never see again, it was someones, that would become my rock, my safe place, my hug, my sister, my brother, my nieces and nephews, my healing spot, my chaos, my family.
They have hugged me and shed tears with me when I cry, laughed with me over memories, shared parts of their lives with me, they really never had to,, at all. They share in my joy, encourage me, and love me without judging me *at least they don't judge me to my face hahaha* I can not express enough how very much I love this family. No matter how I feel when I walk in,, I always, ALWAYS walk out the front door with a smile on my face and my heart more than full... and that just feels good.
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