I saw you the other night,, you and your dad. You both were visiting with me. Encouraging me, pushing me forward. You've both been on my mind alot right now,, nothing new, considering the time of year it is. it feels surreal.
Like I am living a dream,, more like a nightmare full of happiness, if that makes sense.
Because don't get me wrong, I am happy,, but it's a different happy than when you both were here. Its more of a happy laced with sadness.
You both were the blessings in my life I never once thought I would get.
You were the husband I never thought I would find... and together we had a son we never thought we would have. You held my hand, you encouraged me, you did everything you could physically do to ensure that I could be the stay at home mom I had always dreamed of being. That was my life goal. And you helped me reach that. Your birthday came,, it was harder than I ever expected. I went to where you are resting and cried for an hour. I haven't been there in over a year. I told you I wouldn't be that widow,... You told me not to be that widow, to be happy, to find happiness. You tried to tell me many things when you were here but I refused to listen, I refused to admit the inevitable, that you would be the first to go. I never dreamed you would take him with you...
You were the spitting image of your dad.. and oh how you loved him. You wouldn't ever fall asleep in my arms,, at naptime you wanted Dad,, period. How that frustrated me so. My other babies were content with being in Mum's arms sleeping, but not you. You wanted Dad. I couldn't get over how much you looked like him in your baby pictures... every picture of you people would mention how much you look just like him. It made it a little easier to take, knowing I would have you once he was gone, when he got so sick. I would still be able to see his face when I looked at you. It brought comfort when ever he tried to talk to me about leaving.
That wasn't meant to be however. I still struggle with forgiving him. Just when I think I have it down, I see him, he smiles and winks at me like we have some deep dark secret, it takes everything in me not to yell MURDERER every single time, he needs to pretend I don't exsist... he needs to turn the other way when he sees me... I dont wish him ill will, but I wish he wasn't here.. I wish he was the one who died that night.. *is that wishing him ill will?* I wish he had taken a different route home that night, I wish he lived somewhere else.. I wish... I wish... I wish.....
So now I am stuck in the happiest nightmare of my life. You brought him into my life, to help me through the grief, the pain, he gives me the strength I need to keep going,, when he's around I don't need to remind myself to breathe, I sleep at night, knowing he will be there the next day. He puts a smile on my face daily, and reminds me daily that our children still need me, and that's why I keep going. Our kids make me smile, they call, they come visit,, they like him,, they like that I am happy. They make me laugh, let me cry... we support each other, after all we are all living this nightmare together.....
Someone showed me this the other day, and pointed out how similar you are to me,, they can see you in my face,, me in yours.. same eyes, same smile, so now I sit here wondering who you would look like if you were still here.....
Guess I will have to wait to see.... for now,, I will just keep living....
the happiest nightmare of my life.
Can I sleep til january please?
