Walking through the halls...

Kenzie and I called Levi's school on Tuesday to see if maybe Mrs. Jensen had any of his school work that I could get...  She told me she even found the lost Christmas Present,, that Levi thought he had lost on the friday school got out, *que tears*

So down we went to his school.  We took some Canadian smarties (the funsized ones) to his class, it was one of his favorite candies, and the kids were so excited to try them!!!  They were so incredible! seriously, 11 yr olds are at the perfect age,, they are trying to spread their wings, yet still wanting to please Mum and Dad *oh just go with it, I'm in mouring! lol*   I had like 13 of the smarties packs left and one of the students said he would give me $10 class money for one package.. haha Mrs. Jensen said $100!!  Suddenly I had 13 other kids lined up to give me $100 each for a pack of smarties.  Kenz whispers "mum give me one" And goes up to this quiet boy at the front of the class and gives him the package.

We all went into the hallway and took a group picture of everyone in his class,, MAN I LOVE THESE KIDS!!!   We are laughing and talking and yes even crying a little, yet I find so much comfort in hearing their stories of how Levi was so stinking smart, or how he knew so much about dr who, or how a couple of them would play "Live minecraft" with levi at recess or lunch.  And the hugs,, oh those hugs were the very best!!!  

As we are getting ready to leave, Mrs. Jensen hands me a stack of letters from the class,, full of memories of Levi.. I can hardly wait to ready these as Kenz and I head out of the school.   Kenz tells me about the little boy who was so very quiet at the front of the class and I realize it is one of Levi's friend's that live in the same neighborhood as us.  Sam,,, oh sweet Sam!!!  I go back to the class and sneak in, give him a hug and whisper, "thank you for being such a good friend!"  He smiles, I am sure I embarrassed him, and I didn't mean to,,, so I hope one day he will forgive me!

For that moment, that brief visit,, (15 minutes) my heart was full,, my heartache was lessened just a bit.. it was like Levi was right there with us, laughing and joking about "live minecraft"

For that moment, I felt whole again,,,, And I am grateful for the sweet spirits who had nothing but awesomeness to share with me about Levi!

Love love Love!

It's the little things...

The smell that is faintly still on their clothes,,, walking down stairs to the boycave,, the batcave,  and seeing his toys just as he left them, finding a snickerdoodle cookie mix in the pantry, seeing his watches on his dresser, These are the things that trigger my tears. That make me want to shut my door, lock it and not let anyone in.

I went downstairs for the first time today since I've been home, with the intention of going through Levi's clothes, *a lady in our ward has offered to make me a quilt out of Todd and Levi's clothes*, I walked into his room and the knot in my stomach grew 10 times,,, the ache was tangible.  I stood in front of his closet and saw his suit,, the suit he had to have so he looked like his big brother, and my eyes welled and spilt over.  His smell was there,, it was faint, but it was there.  I started pulling his clothes off the hangers and came upon his scout shirt... how this boy wanted to be an eagle scout.  His first scout camp he earned 11 badges!  He loved scouts,, he loved his leaders and the boys he got to hang out with.  

With the closet finished, I sat on his bed,,, tears streaming down my face,, how I miss him.  How my heart aches to hear his laugh again. to sit on the bed with me and mock the fact that I was crocheting so that made me an old lady.My heart has a hole in it,, that will never be closed.  I started going through his dresser.  OH MAN! How am I supposed to choose what I want in this blanket?  I want every article of clothing stitched together and laid out on my bed.  I find the underwear I bought him that he HATED and wouldn't wear and laughed through the tears,, man for a boy he could be picky!  He liked his Hanes boxer briefs.  His tshirts,, batman, levi's, minecraft, and BYU,, I smelt each piece of clothing as I put it in a pile to give to my sweet friend who is making the blanket for me.

I let the tears fall, I let the sobs escape my throat.  My best friend is sitting beside me,, she doesnt say a word, she just cries with me.  We finish up downstairs and we head on up to my closet,, to our closet.... *sigh*  We go through Todd's clothes and that is a little harder,, do I want to have them close to me, or do I want to see our boys wearing them, or give them to our girls to wear as night shirts,,,, again the tears fall.   My bf's husband is headed out the front door and I run down stairs and he just hugs me tight and lets me sob.  I am lucky enough to have a friend who knows that sometimes you just need a "husband hug".  (a purely platonic non creepy hug!)

I don't want to let go when you hug me!  And it doesn't really matter who you are.  Hugs help relieve just a tiny bit of the heartache, the pain,, the hole seems to feel less black and foreboding.  

I cleaned off Todd's phone today and found video that was taken the day of the accident,, they were in Smith's,, I could hear Bruce's trumpet playing in the background,, I could hear Levi's sweet laugh, and my sweet husband's voice as he cracks a funny. I would give anything to have been with them that night, to be part of the laughter.  I can't believe how many pictures Todd had on his phone!  I am so glad he has so many!!!!

It's the little things that make me cry,, it's the darkness that comes at night, and I know it's time for my friend to go home,,, it's the pictures of  my baby and his dad, it's hearing a silly video of  Levi laughing while his dad calls his name,, it's the little things that make me cry,, and make me want to keep going through each day, so I can finish whatever it is I have to do here on earth, and be reunited with these two again!  

So please hug me close, but you don't need to say anything.. just let me cry,, 

love love love

The more things change........ The more they stay the same....

I made it home.  The whole day has been filled with traveling, first to Calgary to catch my plane, then on the plane to Phoenix, Arizona,, (don't ask), then a 3 hour layover, before I get on a plane to Salt Lake City.  I was doing great,, fantastic even! Right up until we touched down in Salt Lake.  I was home.  I made it.  I made it home.

I got off the plane, and walked to baggage claim, looking to see if my ride had made it,, and I caught myself looking for Todd.  The pain was tangible, the anxiety was swelling in my stomach.  My heart hurt all over again.  The emptiness was real, and reality was slapping me right in the face.  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS?  My sweet friends stay with me for a couple hours and ask if I want them to stay with me tonight... Do I have to decide?  Part of me desperately wants them to stay, I am scared to death of being alone in my house,, the other part of me,, the reality facing part of me knows this has to happen sooner or later, so I suck it up and bite the bullet and answer no,,, I can do this. I lock the door as they leave, and walk upstairs... past the pictures on the wall of my family,, our family,, our kids,, my pride and joy, past the man cave,, HIS happy place, His dream room so to speak.

I miss my parents,, I miss the comfort of knowing they are right above me. I walk into our bathroom and see his deodorant, I can't help myself and I open it and smell that familiar smell... the smell that meant he was right here, beside me, protecting me,, waiting to hold me in his arms, to kiss me, to tell me he loves me, to ask me how my day was.  THAT SMELL.  The smell I have longed for, yearned for even.  The tears break free quite easily, and take that all too familiar trail down my cheeks.

I want him back. I WANT THEM BOTH BACK!!!  I take a tiny bit of that smell and rub it right under my nose.  It helps,, it causes even more tears but it helps.

I'm reading an incredible book by Elder Jeffrey R Holland,, called "To My Friends"

Can I just express my love and adoration for this man?  He is amazing!  It's like he wrote this especially for me.  So much help and guidance in this book.

I'm ok,,, most of the time. Some of the time I am not ok,, and THAT'S OK!  It's completely ok to not be ok.

So now I am going to curl up on our bed,, and smell the crap out of that smell that is currently residing on my upper lip..... it reminds me of when he was just out of the shower and would kiss me.  I would nuzzle into his neck and breathe deeply, and he would wrap me in his arms.

I am going to hug my big Teddy bear that my mum bought me, and pray that sleep comes swiftly and I dream happy dreams.. or none at all... and in the morning,, I will get up, put my feet firmly on the ground and breathe in and out,,, and keep on going forward, in my new reality.

Love Love Love

THAT DAY

Tonight is the 32nd night I have gone to bed alone, the 32nd night I haven't said goodnight,, I love you... Tonight is the 32nd night I haven't said 'love me' and felt him wrap me in his arms as he whispers in my ear "I DO LOVE YOU"

Tomorrow marks the 33th day... one month exactly since my phone last whistled at me.... it was Todd telling me that Levi had just asked what was for Breakfast.  That morning we had our ward Christmas Breakfast/party.  THAT MORNING.

That morning  we sat with a family we hardly knew,, that morning we made new friends, that morning I harassed a young man who was celebrating his 16th birthday on that very day. That morning was my last kiss goodbye. That morning I left the house WITHOUT saying my usual joke which was "don't go get dead today!" *I said that every day I left for work and they or he (todd) was awake, it was a joke between us that just became habit, and THAT MORNING I left for work without saying it!*  THAT MORNING, I got my last forehead kiss from a sweet boy who took that responsibility, given him by his oldest brother, very seriously. THAT MORNING I felt his little arms wrap around me for the last time, my ears heard him say that he loved me,,  THAT MORNING, I kissed my husband good bye and instead of saying "see you tonight" I said "see you later", Instead of saying "don't get dead" I said see you later.

THAT MORNING!!!!!!  I want a do over! I want to go back and tell them both how much I love them,, and to NOT GET DEAD!, why didn't I say it THAT MORNING???

THAT AFTERNOON, I talked to my husband on the phone while I was at lunch,, I never call my husband on my lunch break, I usually just vegged,, but THAT AFTERNOON, I did. And we laughed, he was so excited for Christmas, he couldn't wait to give the kids their presents!!  THAT AFTERNOON I got to hear him say I LOVE YOU, one more time, he told me I was beautiful,, it was nothing new for him to say, he said it every day,, but THAT AFTERNOON, it just felt different.

THAT EVENING, I had to stay late at training to get a timecard signed...  THAT EVENING I knew something was wrong.  THAT EVENING I drove past the VERY accident not once but twice.  THAT EVENING, is such a complete blurr.... THAT EVENING, THAT EVENING,,, I got a text from the above mentioned 16 yr old young man saying 'he wasn't sure why, but he thought he should check on me!'

THAT EVENING....

I remember every single event of THAT DAY, but like it was an out of body experience,,

And I am not sure how I have gotten up every single morning for the last 32 days??  I certainly don't remember sleeping,,My nights are fitful at best,  but I wake up every morning.  How am I going to get up tomorrow?

I see them everywhere. They let me know they are here.

I am remembering how to laugh, I am remembering how to smile.  I cry every single day,, sometimes 2 or 3 or 100 times in a day,, I have to consciously remember they are not here, not physically. Many times I have had to put things back that I grab off store shelves.

32 days.  It's only 1 month,,, 4 weeks, I often wonder how am I supposed to go through the rest of my mortality without them?  Todd was the love of my life.  He took pride in looking after me, in providing for me.. he took pride in ME!  I will never again find a love like that.

I sat in church this last sunday surrounded by my brother and his family and my parents,, we were in fort McMurray for my niece's baptism,, and I couldn't sing the songs,, the words in the hymns suddenly mean so much more to me,,my eyes well up every time,,  *I miss his voice supporting mine, I miss holding his hand every time a prayer is said, I miss kneeling with them both at night as we giggle and laugh getting ready for prayers,,, I miss Levi singing his heart out and trying hard to hit the low notes like his dad*

For the last two weeks, there is one particular hymn I can not get out of my head,,, #169,,, the third verse plays over and over in my mind...

'As now we praise thy name with song, the blessings of this day, (that day)
will linger in our thankful hearts, and silently we pray,
for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey,
we love thee Lord, our hearts are full,,
We'll walk thy chosen way'

That right there is how I am getting through this...I have courage as well as faith to accept what has happened,  I love my Father in Heaven, and my heart is full of love and gratitude, as well as sorrow,, and I will walk HIS chosen way. Now is MY chance to get ready for the reunion in Heaven.... NOW is MY CHANCE!  I can't blow this,, I can't screw this up.  I won't MISS this!

I may cry every day for the rest of my mortal life.. and I'm ok with that.  I think.  My eyes burn,, the poor skin around my eyes feels so raw, I have stopped using kleenex and just let the tears fall.

There is so much more I want to say, but I haven't figured out how yet... so for now...


Love love love

Going forward.

Will this feeling of nausea ever go away?

  Most days I feel like I have a very firm grip on this new reality,  and all it takes is one little thing,, and the flood gates open, which I'm totally ok with, the feeling of nausea plants itself right in the pit of my stomach and  seems to set up camp. Today's little thing,, pictures, pictures of my sweetheart, the love of my life,that I spent 12 wonderful years with and pictures of the little boy I was so blessed to have in my life for 11 short years. 

Dad says I need to give myself time to mourn and quit being strong for everyone else.  I'm not being strong for everyone else,  I'm being strong for me.  Mourning sucks. Being sad sucks.  Crying sucks even more.  I look horrible with red puffy swollen eyes.  Todd and Levi both lived to make me laugh.  I was the most important person in both of their lives. (Not me being arrogant, just believing what they both had said repeatedly to me) 

I'm sad. That's ok.  I cry every day and that's ok.  I see their faces everywhere I turn, and that's OK too. I worry about my in laws,I need to be there for them. (Seriously I have the best in laws in the entire world and I love them like they're my parents) I worry about my kids, I worry about my parents worrying about me. And yes. I worry about me.

I said to my mum today as we were looking at pictures 'I just wish I could peek into Heaven and make sure they are ok,  I know where they are and I know what I believe is true but....'

   I want to see Todd stand tall without faltering, I want to see Levi running around making people laugh, I want to hear them tell me they are OK and they are saving a spot for me. I want to feel whole again. I want to wake up and feel fantastically wonderful and I want food to taste good again (although being down 20 lbs is rather excitjng haha) I want to go 24 hours without tears wetting my cheeks.

I miss the texts, the banter, the laughter, feeling safe in his arms, even though he was so sick he always made me feel protected.

One day I want to get on here and post wonderful happiness. I know it will come.
Until that time comes I'll continue to breath in and out, throw back the covers and plant my feet firmly on the ground every single morning, and take it one step at a time.

Love love love.

Baby steps

I'm laying in bed, at my parents listening to a friends episode play on my laptop,and feeling the need to write something,,,,, no idea what,,,, but something.  It's the new year,,, and I'm still waiting for Christmas,,,,, Christmas has come and gone and 2015 has begun.  

How can that be,, how can everyone pick up and move on like they didn't even exist,, or matter?  Like they weren't influential in so many lives.... Why hasn't time stopped until I can have a firm grasp on this reality??? I keep waiting for texts in the morning and at night that he sent every single day,,,,, I'm still waiting to hear why, exactly, dad is being unfair and 'the biggest meanie ever',,, 

The events of almost 4 weeks ago,, how can it have been 4 weeks already,, those events keep playing through my mind.  I had to go to training, it was a scheduled class,,,, I didn't want to go,,  I wanted to spend the day with my boys,, it was the first day of Levi's being off track,, he was so excited for 3 weeks of no school.  I was going to go to training and come home, the three of us were going to go somewhere for dinner and go see a movie to kick off the break from school, and to celebrate my new job.  So many things were happening that we were so excited for.  Todd was excited to give the kids what we got them for Christmas. He could hardly contain himself.  He was such a big kid. He was excited to take Levi Christmas shopping, and Levi couldn't wait to buy presents for us and his siblings. 

Everything went as planned,,, right up until I pulled into my garage.  I remember it like it was an out of body experience. Like I wasn't really there,, like it wasn't real.  How I wish that was true, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare,  that I have no choice but to embrace, accept,, and learn to navigate through. 

Those events run through my mind, every time I leave the house, get into a car, walk through a store.  I feel like I am betraying them when I laugh, or don't think about them for 5 minutes! Shame on me right,,,, I mean this should be consuming me to the point of not being able to be, we all know this is what Todd and Levi would want,,,,  NOT!!!  There are days I have to physically remember this.  There are also days when it's way easier.  

I am so grateful for all my friends who have held me up through prayers, good thoughts, hugs, and visits.  I would never want to go through this without each and every one of you.  There are no words to express my Love and appreciation for each one of you.  The jokes on Facebook,the random phone calls,, the understanding, the sitting at my parents table and laughing like I haven't laughed in months.  The hugs,, the long hugs, that come with no words, no expectations,, just love, I feel your love, and I feel your heart ache for me, for my kids.  And I thank you so very much for that.  

Thank you for all your love,,, and patience as I struggle to learn how to live my earthly life without the love of my life by my side (except for work we were hardly ever apart the last year), with out that little pesky boy who could not grow up fast enough.  My door is open, and if you walk in and I'm on the floor,, you don't need to say a word,,,, just offer me a hand up and let me lean on you for just a bit.  Make me laugh,, listen to my stories,, even if you've already heard them,, they're all I have left right now. 

I've babbled enough for one night,, so I'm going to turn out my light, and try to sleep, and when the sun rises, I will take a deep breath, put my feet on the floor, and continue to take the baby steps I need to get me through each day.  I will have a great day,,, with some sad moments,,, and that's ok.

Love love love 

Learning to walk

*seriously,, these ramble sessions are more for my benefit than yours,,,, I can't keep a thought straight in my head so the following post is going in a million different directions,, good luck*


I feel like a toddler,,, younger than a toddler actually,, I feel like an 12 month old learning to walk.  Everything takes so much effort right now, even breathing... every once in a while I have to think to myself,, BREATHE IN!, Exhale! Breathe in,, EXHALE!.  Things that used to come so naturally,,, take the greatest effort.  My smile feels plastic, forced,, fake.

I didn't even feel this helpless when I was a single parent with two kids... I just did it then,,, I don't know how to be a WIDOW.

I am at my parents house for a few weeks, trying to figure out how I am supposed to survive this new reality, although I have to say, as long as I stay in their house, I do pretty damm awesome at avoiding facing it.  It's when I step outside, into the literal coldness that reality hits.  I look outside the window and watch the snow fall silently from the sky and all I can think is,,, I have a young boy who would love nothing more than to stomp right through that virgin snow in Papa's backyard and make snowangels all day long, have a snowball fight with whomever was brave enough, usually it was his Dad,  to face the frozen air to make memories with this boy.

But I don't have him,or him, they are  home, where they are supposed to be, with our Father in Heaven, doing what He needed those two to do.  AND I MISS THEM!  I miss their smile, I miss his mischievousness, his smart mouth, his laughter, the twinkle in his eye,, OH HOW I MISS THEM BOTH!  My arms ache to hold him,, my ears ache to hear him and his Dad laugh hysterically as they plot out how to "get mum".

We went into Lethbridge today, and I remember whispering to my Mum, "will I ever be able to go into a store and not leave in tears because I see something that reminds me of my boys?"  her response, "not for awhile I'm afraid".  I tried on the sweetest pair of heels today, and thought, 'OMG He will Love THESE!, and I put them back on the shelf, and walked out empty handed...before anyone saw the tears well up in my eyes.  I walked into a store today and saw the BIGGEST collection of DR. WHO memorabilia I have ever seen, I could've stood there all day just staring at it,, seriously!!!  I can't even look at the kids department anymore,, why bother.... I saw a sweater at costco and immediately thought, Todd would love this!,, that's when I turned to my mum and asked if I would ever be able to shop again......

Todd's parents are taking us, the kids, on a cruise at the end of the month, and I am so scared to go.  Don't get me wrong,, I absolutely adore my inlaws,, all of them,, I seriously have the best inlaws in the entire world,  This was something Todd and I were so excited to do together, with his family.  How do I get on that plane, that ship without him?  *my thoughts are so jumbled right now*,, How do I enjoy and have fun without the one person in the entire world that fully completed who I am?
How do I do this when getting out of the house completely drains me?  *no I am not offering up my ticket!!!!* I am still looking forward to it, I just don't know how to do it.

I don't know how to do any of this.

 So, when you ask me what you can do to help, here is my response, come sit with me, hug me, laugh with me, walk with me down my  path of memories, let me cry,, let me laugh, let me sit in silence as I enjoy knowing I am not alone, just let me....

 Please don't tell me it will get easier, or it will be ok,, it will never be ok.... It will be tolerable, and I will learn to live and navigate through this, but it will never be ok,, don't tell me to remember my faith, my faith is strong, I believe in life after death and I know I will see and be reunited with my sweet husband and son and other loved ones again.  NOTHING will ever shake that!! I know what I believe is true.  This hole in my heart is also true.. and NOTHING will ever fill it.

 You don't have to say anything at all,,, really,, because I know you are sorry, I know you worry about me, please just be my friend, don't leave me alone, but don't push.  Let me know you are there, or here, bring kleenex.  Come sit with me, go for a walk with me, don't be upset if I don't want to talk, look at pictures with me,

Don't be shocked when I make jokes about the widow Johnson, or how the position of marital partner is now open,, if you know me at all you know this is how I deal with stress,, humor.
Don't look at me with pity, look at me with love,, don't tell me you know what I am going through, but empathize with me,

I will continue to wake up every morning, breathe in, and breathe out, put my feet on the floor and move forward, through this pain that has my heart in its grips, through the agony, through the fear, the sorrow, and the tears\, just please walk beside me, hold my hand and let me know you are there.