Who am I...

This is the question that has been running through my mind the last few weeks.

Today was supposed to be the pre trial hearing for Mr Sumbot, the man who decided to get into his car, and speed while intoxicated on a stormy winter's night, and caused the death of my sweetheart and my baby boy.  I remember his words to me, when we met,, "I thought I hit a dear,  I am so sorry"
When he said those words, I forgave him so easily, I was at peace with everything,,

I didn't know he had been drinking.

I found out about 4 months ago he had been drinking, had an open bottle, almost emptied, in the car, and another bottle waiting to be opened.
When I was told he had been drinking, I was filled with rage, hatred, anger, and every other descriptive word in the english language that can describe what I was feeling that day, and for weeks after. months even.   AND I HATED IT!  I hated those feelings.  I am not a hateful person.  Usually.  I have always been one to deal with what has upset me and move on, let it go.  Once I get what has me upset off my chest I am good to go.  NOT THIS TIME.  It consumed me.  It ate at me while I slept, it brought waterfalls of tears to my eyes while I was awake.  I talked to my Bishop, to my grief counselor, to friends about it, and they all said the same thing,,, "let the atonement work for you.  That is why it is there!"

CRAZY!   What on earth did I do that was wrong? Seriously, aren't we taught the Atonement is all about Christ dying on the cross for our sins?  I didn't do the sinning here, these people, my confidants were all nuts.

I am not sure what happened.. or why,,, but after our trip to Canada, Kenzie and I, I walked into the house and suddenly a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  It was like Todd and Levi greeted me at the door and just took all that pain, hatred and anger I had been carrying for months right off my shoulders. I was able to let go.

 I was talking to my mother in law after we were done at the court house.  I was telling her how I hoped they didn't think I was blowing this whole redo on the pre trial off.  That it matters to me, so much, more than anyone else.

The thought came to me.... *get ready it's a good one!*.....

Who am I to not let it go? Who am I to not forgive?  If my loving Savior, my older brother, is able to pray in Gethsemane and fast for 40 days and 40 nights, if my Redeemer is able to walk through the streets and have those whom he has served spit on him, place a crown of plaited thorns on His head, and He doesn't utter one single word of anger, if MY deliverer carries a wooden cross up a hill, lays down on it, and lets people He loves so very much, drive stakes into His hands, feet, and wrists, and plunge a sword into His side, and as He takes His final breathe He says, "forgive them Father, for they know not what they do"  WHO AM I TO HANG ON TO SUCH HATRED?

My loving older brother, did all of that,,,for you, and you and you and....  FOR ME.  He felt the pain of not only every sin we would commit, He felt our pain, our agony, our heartache, He cried our tears.  He longed to take that pain from us.  He did that for you and He did that for ME!  He felt every ounce of breathe leave my body when I realized that it was my husband, my son on the road that night.  He felt my heart break in two.  He felt my will to die, He felt everything.  That is the Atonement.  That is why He suffered on the cross.  Not just for the mistakes I would make, and there have been plenty, but for all the sorrows you and I would feel as we navigated through this pathway back to Him and our Father.  He cried every tear, every single one of us has ever or will ever shed.

So who am I to hang on to such pain?  How can I continue forward down this path of life if I don't let go of what He has already paid for?

I don't hate the driver.  I don't.  I want justice.  But I am not going to go after him for everything he has,, no matter what happens, it won't bring back my husband, my children's father, my son, my children's brother.  My faith lies with my Father in Heaven, with my Savior Jesus Christ, and in the Atonement.

There is more than one justice system at play here... there is the earthly justice, and the Eternal justice, and that justice is where my faith is.

I keep going back to that night.  At the firehouse, the warmth and love I felt, the waves of peace.. my Saviors arms were wrapped around me that night, in the form of one acting in His place.  I saw the look of pain on His face, I saw how desperately my Redeemer wanted nothing more than to "remove this cup from me", but I had agreed to it, just like He had agreed to His Cup so very long ago.  He couldn't take it from me, but if I let Him, He could walk beside me and help me through it.

I know my Savior lives,, I know HE LOVES ME.  I KNOW I WILL SEE MY FAMILY AGAIN!  I KNOW IT!

Who am I?  I am a Child who is loved beyond words.  I am a child who's Father heartbreakingly gave me His only begotten so that I might return to live with Him again, one day.  And I know that God has got this! (No I am not holding onto the hope that the Lord will thrust the driver down to hell,, that is not a loving Lord.)  I know that He will make everything right.  So, yes, I am letting go.  I am moving forward,, not on, as I am leaving nothing behind.

*feel like I am rambling here... again!*

Love one another... and please,,, let it go. He's got this,, I PROMISE!

Life goes on...

Back to School,,,, I used to look forward to the days when I didn't have to buy school supplies, take kids back to school shopping, set my alarm for 5 am so I can make sure they are up for seminary *Not everywhere has seminary integrated into their school system Utah!*.

This week I see pictures of my friends kids with signs saying what grade they are going into, the brightly colored new back packs filled to the brim with sharp pencils, virgin white paper waiting to be inked, paints, notebooks with uncracked spines,, I want that.

We always want what we don't have right?

 I never in a million years thought it would affect me like this, I never thought I would miss it.  It would've been different if he had graduated highschool, if I had the opportunity to relish all his academic accomplishments and celebrate them with him like I did our other children.  It is hard to be on facebook and see all your posts about how excited your kids are to start a new adventure.  It's hard to see how excited all of you are to have the house to yourself's again.  And please, I am not blaming you, and I certainly am in no way upset with you, I get it! I was there, only a year ago.  I was so freaking excited to get back to a schedule, a routine.  It just hurts my heart that I can't share in it with you.  I want to be excited to have the house to myself again, to have a few moments with my husband before my boy walks in the door from school.  So please keep posting them!!!

I get to think about something new this year.  His eyes will see things in a different light, his heart still beats, and hopefully that person is excited for the new school year.  Hopefully his heart flutters and is a little anxious at meeting the new teacher, making new friends,, did he just move this year as well?  Hopefully his eyes will see all the wonderful things he/she can accomplish, maybe they are giving sight to a mom, who is anxious to get back to a routine again, or who is sending her baby off to first grade.  Wipe them gently mom.  I worked hard to make those eyes.  Hug that heart just a little tighter will you please?  You have no idea how much love is in that heart, bursting to get out.

I had a hard time with organ donation, until that dreadful night,, Now... Now, I love that part of my son still lives, and gets to experience this life.

https://video-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hvideo-xap1/v/t42.1790-2/11353770_1641829746040113_175762992_n.mp4?efg=eyJybHIiOjMwMCwicmxhIjo1MTJ9&rl=300&vabr=160&oh=92918c1ba8025b4bef7a6652fc5d02df&oe=55D4CBD0


because after all is said and done, Life does nothing, if not go on...

Comfort

There are few things that give me comfort, well no, there are alot of things that give me comfort, they are just different from what used to bring me Joy.  These are not the same thing.

One of the things that brings me much comfort is my friends.  Old friends that I have had for 43 years, friends that I have made because of the accident, and friends I have because one young boy decided a mission was his to server.  One young man.  Made a decision, to leave his family for two years, and because of that young man, I now have so many friends in Utah, and Georgia.  I got the opportunity to meet a few of these friends last night.  I am so so very glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and met up with these family's and connect with them on a personal level.

Two of these incredible family's also had young people who decided to give up two years of their lives to serve in Georgia, and left their families to work with my young man.

The one in the blue shirt, she has welcomed my young man into her home,  fed my young man, hugged my young man, loved my young man, and touched my life in ways she will never know.

Today is her day, to allow her young man to leave her for two years as he serves the Lord in the Utah, St George Mission.  She asks me, how am I going to let him go? And memories come flooding back of how so very hard it was for me to let my young man go, and the tears fall.  All I can say is "because you have faith my sweet friend, my sister, and faith with out works is dead".  My heart is mixed today, it hurts for her as much as it did that day almost two years ago, when I had to drive away and give back to the Lord with what He had entrusted me with 18 years ago.  My heart also sings for her, for the blessings that will come to her because she has returned to the Father, what He entrusted her with 18 years ago, will be numerous and plentiful!  There will be tears... there will be heartache, there will also be joy, and happiness and comfort.  And when you are missing him so much you feel like you are going to break apart,, your family, us other missionary mommas that broke bread with you last night, we will be there to bring you comfort no one else can!

Love you Nancy!  More than you will ever know! it is our turn to help you!!

Realizing you dont have control over everything...

*I have thought long and hard, about blogging about this, and have started and erased it so many times I have lost count*

I have really had a hard time these last few months, with letting go of things I can't control.  Mainly, letting go of the fact that the DA is not charging the driver with vehicular homicide, and has turned the case over to the city for a DUI charge.  When I was told this, I was so very angry.  I actually felt bad for the officer that came into my home to tell me what the DA's findings where.

I called the DA and had a lengthy discussion with her as to why charges were not being filed for the death of my husband and son.  Turns out UTAH law states that the driver has to be the main reason the accident happened, and because it was dark, stormy, and no shoulder on the road, *read Todd and Levi were on the edge of the driver's lane, never mind that pedestrians always have the right of way*, the driver's negligence is not the main reason why the accident happened. *I am paraphrasing here, but you get the point,, and don't bother telling me how ridiculous this is,, I am very aware!* So he is being charged with a DUI.

In 2007 there was an accident where a teenage driver, 17 I believe he was, who was drunk, hit a car with 5 people in it, killing 4 of them,, the wife of the hit vehicle was expecting, both her and the unborn baby were killed along with two of her children.  The man, the father, the husband who's entire world changed in a split second, made the decision to forgive the driver, before the paramedics even got to him.  There is a movie coming out called "Just Let Go" and it is this man's story, of forgiving and letting go of the past. THIS IS A MOVIE I WILL BE GOING TO! I am hoping this will help me let go of the anger that has dwelt in my heart way too long... I really go back and forth between anger and pity for the driver in my story,,,   As I watch the trailers for it, I am brought back to the night my life completely changed.  I remember asking the Lieutenant who was with me, about the driver, how he was doing.  I remember telling my Bishop that he had to let the driver know I don't blame him, that this was a complete act of God.  I remember feeling complete peace with this decision.

A few months ago,, the anger hit...  I wanted him persecuted. I wanted him "hung".  I wanted him to feel the pain I feel every single day...

So what changed?  I found out he had be drinking.  I found out what his BAL was.  And I was suddenly sick to my stomach.  Should any of that mattered?  It didn't for the man I mentioned above.. And as I watch the trailers, I am reminded of various quotes,

•  Who among us is without sin?, Let him cast the first stone
• Don't judge me because my sins are different from yours

just to name a few.   One thing that Chris Williams does say in this clip is that you need to be honest with yourself as to what you can control.

here's the clip

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/16/forgiveness_n_1886057.html

I can't control the driver.  I can't control what he did that night, any more than I can control what he is going to do tomorrow, what the judge is going to do, or what you are going to do.

I have to let the Lord have this. I need to focus on healing my family.  On going forward.  I need to focus my energy on what I can control, which is actually not a lot,, and I have a lot of energy.

So as I strive to get that peaceful feeling back, that I had the night our world completely changed, I need to remember to Just Let Go, let go of the hatred, the blackness that seems to be working hard on keeping residence in my heart. I will go to the court house, when the driver has to appear.  I will say nothing, I will pray for peace as the Judge does what he feels is fair.  And I will move forward, with my family.

 I am falling to my knees more, cracking open my scriptures and searching for verses on forgiveness and letting go, reading conference talks in the Ensign, and above all, I am very much aware of two angels, who are with me, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY., they help me get out of bed, they help me keep going forward, and I simply can not let them down.  So as much anger you feel on my behave, on my kids behave, on my family's behave, please... don't.   Pray for peace and faith in our hearts.  Because in the end, all I want is to be able to have those two angels, my family, and my Savior pleased with how I got through this trial. And maybe, just maybe forgiveness can help me heal... help my family heal.

*I really wish all my thoughts would gather at once and in order, I feel like I am completely rambling and I can't seem to form a coherent thought to save my life,... bad pun!*

Love
is all that matters in the end.  To give it and to feel it in your own life.  That is what I can control.

The fog is lifting...

It's not completely gone,, but I can see the light,, and it's guiding the path I need to be on.

My sweet baby girl and I went on a 12 hour drive to visit my parental units in Alberta, Canada, for one week.

Those that know her and I, know that we are ALOT alike,, like scary alot!, We are both outspoken, yes I taught her that, stubborn, she gets that from her dad,, I am far from stubborn, and we can both be VERY VERY LOUD!  And I wouldn't change a thing... except for the fact that we butt heads,,, alot.  ALL THE TIME.  She was my rock when I went through my divorce 21 years ago,, that's a lot of pressure to put on a 1 year old.  She made me smile, I loved seeing the world through her eyes, and the things she taught me, I can never repay her for.  Then she hit the teen years, and tried to spread her wings, but I clipped those puppy's rather quickly.  Looking back now, there are things I did, that I would do differently, *don't we all feel that way?*, however, she always got straight A's, her own personal challenge, not mine, and she graduated early from high school with advanced honors.  She moved out when she was 17 and graduated from high school, and that is when we really started butting heads, *as I remember it, she may remember it differently, kids usually do!* We argued over things that didn't matter, but we both are stubborn, and what young adult doesn't think their parents know nothing.  Todd was our buffer.  We would yell and scream at each other, and she would go to her dad, vent, and he would come to me, and help me see where I was wrong,, I wasn't always, but when I was HE was the one who showed me,, and when I wasn't, he was the one that would make me see what mattered more, who was right, or who was loved.... if that makes sense.  (I remember one time her and I were yelling at each other, I can't remember what about,, but she called her dad and said "DAD, you need to get home and control your wife, she's nuts!,, he chuckled when he told me, then promptly told me to calm down,, haha)  Make no mistake, I love this lady more than words can say,, I just raised her to be a strong independent woman, although I should've been more specific as to who to be strong around,, ;-)

So you can see the apprehension we both had at the thought of being alone together, in a car, for 12 hours, then with my parental units for 7 days, then back in the car, assuming we hadn't killed each other first, for another 12 hours.  We had a prayer before we got into the car and began our journey, and we were off!!!!...

Can I tell you I have not laughed so hard in such a long time?  Just when I didn't think I could love this girl any more than I already do.  We laughed the entire 101/2 hours up to my parents house. Yea, we made excellent time!!!!  It didn't feel like we had been in the car that long at all. We joked with each other, we talked, we laughed, I think we even cried once together.  We let our love for each other come out uninhibited, we let it flow freely for each other., we didn't judge, we didn't criticize, we simply loved each other.  We both got to do what we wanted up there without the other one getting upset, as has happened in the past.  We visited with my parents, our friends, visited with memories from us being there as a family.  I think, I HOPE,  for the first time in a very long time, I let my little girl be just that, a little girl *only she's not any more*, I  let her lean on me, I hope I showed her how much she is loved.  There are no words to describe how I feel towards her...

We got home on Sunday night, and she continued onto her home.  I cried.  I cried as she drove away, my heart wanted to jump out of my body and grab her and hug her one more time and not let her go.  I cried as I walked into the house, which I totally expected, but I realized I was crying for reasons I wasn't expecting... I expected to be sad and lonely and cry for those reasons, and as I crawled into bed that night, after saying my prayers, I realized I had shed tears because of how free I felt, how at peace I felt, how incredibly loved I felt by my own child that I was scared I had pushed away through my own grief.

I'm not sure why it happened,but I feel like the fog has lifted. Someone pointed this out to me today at work, there's a sparkle in my eyes,  I feel better, I look better, rested, like I can take on the world,, *Please dear Lord, do NOT see that as a challenge for this meek and humbled servant!*,   And there is guilt over not being in bed, and being the blubbering mourning widow everyone thinks I need to be...

I am allowed to be happy, I am allowed to move on, I am allowed to mourn, I am allowed to love one man while falling in love with another, *For the love of ME DO NOT read too much into that there is no man I am falling in love with at the time of this blog post!!!!* I am allowed to be a widow, I am allowed to laugh, to cry, to not have my every waking thought be of what is waiting for me on the other side of the veil.  I am allowed to go an entire day without tears, *rarely happens but still,, I am allowed*, I am allowed to live and be loved.

What I battle with now, is the guilt, the guilt of not being sad daily, of not crying, of loving the hope that I feel in my heart,,,

There are still going to be hard days ahead, days where I dont want to face the world, or my reality!, But I will.... I will because I know.  I KNOW what matters.

Love.....

Cousins! Family is what matters!  these two beauties drove 12 hours, to spend a few hours with their older beautiful cousin!  

me and my sweet cousin Susan, I love her!

playin with mum's phone yo!

On our way!

My girlfriend from 40+ years ago! Lisa Ursenbach!  Can't wait to see you in September!

 this lady and I have been through so freaking much together and I thank God every day she is still in my life!!!  Kristi Parker

I didn't take nearly enough pictures,,, Ranae Hatch, you are on my radar for next time, and Mum and Dad, I will get you this week!!!  *for some reason, I struggle with taking pictures now, not sure why,,,, I guess I hope if I don't capture the memory I will be able to make new ones with the same people???"

Heading home,...

It's that time of year again, has been for awhile, where we pack up clothes and whatever electronic devises we CANNOT live without and head out for a much needed holiday.  

Our oldest, Kenzie and I are headed up to Canada for a few days of much needed R&R. 

 Usually, no not usually, In The Past, when there is something big like this happening, I am ubber excited and call my parental units daily to count down how many more sleeps..  This time,, it is forced.  Don't get me wrong, I am excited to go have my Mum look after me for a week,.. I am excited to be able to hug my Dad, see friends I haven't seen in months... I am not excited to have people ask me what happened.  To travel so far without my eternal sidekick, to be there without my baby boy who made me laugh so freaking hard and drove my parents nuts with how much I spoiled him. *admitting it is half the problem and I'd do it all again if I could*

Last time I was up there was just after the funerals, and everywhere I went there were reminders that slapped me in the face that I was alone.  I can handle the expected reminders,, the walking into my house, the getting into my car, the waking up, the going to sleep...  I expect and can prep myself emotionally for those...  the last couple days however, all I seem to focus on is the egg nog I had to put back on the shelf in January because the thought of drinking it alone, without my pickiest eater drinking it with me and feeling like he was heaven, was too much.  I did not expect that.  

I am content to sit at home, where nothing unexpected can slap me in the face, where I am safe from outside triggers.  I get that you can't understand it unless you have gone through it,, I get it. As hard as I try to move forward, I truly feel safest in doors.  

I have family that is ready to make new memories to honor their dad & brother, son & grandson, Brother & nephew,,Uncle & cousin,,  I am scared to death of taking that first step.  I tried, I immersed myself in fun singles activities for the last 4-5 months, bowling, movie nights,, dinners,,, and something suddenly hit me,, and it hit hard.  The grief I was working so hard at avoiding slapped me down, and it hit hard! 

 I miss them,, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY,, EVERY SINGLE HOUR,, EVERY, SINGLE, SECOND.  I troll facebook and see all our friends getting their boys ready for their first scout camp and it brings tears to my eyes,,, Levi was so excited to go to camp.  He loved Scouts and made it his goal to get his Eagle Award before he turned 16... well done son... you did it!  Summer Spence,,, I miss our BOY!!!!

Maybe, just maybe I can get through this trip with my sweet girl by my side. Maybe my anxiety of  driving through mountains and past huge drops with subside, or the anxiety of saying the wrong thing with the wrong intonation will go away, that is what I am praying for... that we won't kill each other as we are together in the car for 12 hours... that we will love and support each other as we have over the last 6 months,, *I know it's been 7,, the 1st one doesn't count*, I truly can not wait to laugh with her, to joke, to reminisce, to make new memories.  It scares the crap out of me, but I can't wait to do it... I hope she will hold my hand as we go out and I face these triggers, whatever they may be... and let me know it will be ok.  There is one else I would rather take this trip with then her, she was the very first person to steal my heart, and she still holds it in her hand! So be gentle my dear,,, it's kinda tattered.  <3. 

I feel like I am rambling at this point, so if you're still with me, you truly do love me!! Thanks!

Right now,, Christmas is on my mind,, 24 more fridays until Christmas, and I could care less...  I worry, I worry about saying something or not saying the right thing and upsetting one of my kids, I am already having anxiety attacks over putting up the tree, buying presents, hell let's be honest, I am worried about waking up Christmas morning...  In the Past, I would be all over it, shopping, getting excited, bugging Todd to let me put the tree up in October,, it became a tradition of our to banter about whether or not the tree was going up that early.. I should've just left it up last year dang it,,, Levi decorated it.. should've let it be.  

I am trying.... and that is the best I can offer all of you right now.  I want nothing more than to be able to wake up and be happy, to be able to fall asleep knowing that every one in my family is sleeping and dreaming happy dreams, to be able to walk out the door and know that everything will be the same as when I left.... because if I hadn't left the house that day,, every thing SHOULD have been the same,,, but I did, and I came back to something completely different, something I didn't ask for, but I agreed to.  So please bear with me,, have patience and try to understand that if I say no to coming to visit you it does NOT mean I don't want you to come visit me.  It just means that I need my parental bubble, and you are more than welcome to come see us.  

Please, I know you are sorry, please just don't tell me you are sorry,,, don't ask me how I am holding up,, tell me you love me and give me a hug and lets talk about your family, or memories of when we lived there... it's not that I don't want to talk about it, I do,, I love talking about the love of my life and the baby I never thought I would be blessed to have... or how much our kids have grown and how gorgeous our daughters are,, ask about my missionary,,, he's awesome too!!!  And for the love of Peter, DO NOT ask how I am doing this, because I do not know!! (sorry if this sounds harsh, I never did have a filter! lol)

Life is too short to not smile...

Believe it or not, most days are great!

Most days I am able to get up and put on my happy pants, and my killer heels, which lets face it, A great day can totally flip if you're wearing the wrong shoes!,

You know I'm right! I would say about 90% of my days are good.  About 60% of my days start out good and end with tears still falling, and that's ok!  They are getting fewer and further between.   Some of the things that make me smile...

1. starting my day with prayer, always without fail puts a smile on my face.  I know when I put on my 'armour' I can and will conquer every hill put in my path.

2. scripture reading, and I am not talking just the Book of Mormon, I am talking all inspirational uplifting reading..

3. random love videos on Facebook,, like  this one... There are good people out there,,  https://www.facebook.com/Britentj  the video is on my timeline

4. random umprompted messages from people I hold near and dear to my heart,,,, like this one:

This young lady has called me Auntie for over 15 years.  I am not her blood aunt, and she knows it,, but she also knows how very much I love her and her 5 sisters, and  upteen add on siblings!  *I hate the word step-*

I love you auntie! Just wanted to tell you.

5. Do I need a 5? Texts from my kidlets telling me they love me.

That is the start of my list,, I just wanted to let you know that it truly is the little things that matter most. Who cares if you've seen a million caterpillars,, this one is the one the person who looks to you as her hero wants to show you, SO GO LOOK AT IT!

Clothes wash, jump in the puddles,, mud comes off, roll around in it... teach them that it's ok to have fun, it's ok to be a kid, and even their heros can be kid like and have fun, and get dirty!!!

JUST DO IT! Don't put them off. Put down your phone, let them know they matter, whether they are 1, 2, 4, 16, or 43... let that person who is taking time out of their day to talk to you know they matter more than facebook, instagram, and whatever the heck else is out there. Please, I beg you, don't put it off, you could be the difference between someone smiling or crying......

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT SPLASH IN THE TUB!

So thank you to my sweet niece who took the time out of her crazy, hectic, wrangling three kids under 4, *I think* to type 8 little words to me.

Thank you to the sweet girl who shared that video with her mother in law that I am friends with, therefore I could see it and have it brighten my day!

Thank you.... for being my difference!!!