CALM DOWN! I am not drinking beer,,,,, yet! haha
So today was pre trial for Mr Stephen Sumbot. The man who changed my life for ever...
I got a call from the prosecuting attorney yesterday and he gave me a heads up as to what they were expecting to happen, so I wasn't shocked or surprised. He didn't have to do this, but he did and I appreciate it....
SO here's the bottom line...
He entered a plea of no contest. *rolls eyes*
basically it's admitting guilt without saying yes I am guilty,, he is now claiming that he opened the bottle after the accident and drank it then to help take away the pain of what he saw... *poooor baby!, he wouldn't have seen it if he hadn't been driving!!, just saying*
The Prosecuting attorney then tells the judge what they have agreed to for sentencing....
10 days in jail
$1400 fine
Judge looks at the PA and asks, "please tell me why this is being looked at as a DUI and not anything worse?"
PA explains that the DA is *in my opinion an idiot*, saying that due to Utah Law there isn't enough evidence to support that Mr Sumbot is 51% responsible for the deaths of my husband and son.
Judge says.. OK,,,, Mr Sumbot, I am giving you the maximum sentence allowed,, 180 days in jail and a fine of $1900 and change.. you will have supervised probation *costs a ton of money out of his pocket*, and every vehicle in your name OR that you will be operating will be equipped with a *I don't know the legal name* breathalyzer.
Mr S then says, "your honor, I have multiple drivers in my residence."
Judge looks up and says "EVERY VEHICLE IN YOUR NAME OR THAT YOU WILL BE OPERATING, AM I CLEAR?"
Judge suspended 170 day of his jail sentence so Mr S only has to serve 10, as long as he reports to his PO, and goes to substance abuse counseling, and get the breathalyzers in your vehicles, oh and NO drinking for 12 months, while on probation.
The PA then asks the Judge to let me read a statement that I have prepared, and the Judge agrees,,
Here is what I said:
*the PA grabs a box of kleenex and puts it next to me! smart man!!*
"I am not even sure where to begin. Nothing I say will ever change the fact that one man made a decision that impacted so very many people.
Because of your decision to drive while impaired, I will never get to look into those baby blue eyes again. I will never get to see my baby grow into the man he strived to be at his young age. Were you aware that THAT 11 year old boy was already working on his Eagle Scout Project? Did you know his ambition in life was to be a game developer and he sought out people that could answer any questions he had about that profession? He loved his family, he loved life and brought so much joy to every life he touched.
Were you aware that the man in the wheelchair was in line for a kidney transplant? That he struggled every single day just to get up out of bed without passing out or throwing up? He pushed through his pain to make sure his wife knew she was the most important person in his life. All that mattered to him was his wife's happiness. He enjoyed watching his children grow up into adulthood.
Our 2nd oldest child got married in May, without her dad to walk her down the isle. Our oldest daughter is getting married next year and I guarantee you the loss of his presence will be just as strong. Our oldest son will return home from his LDS mission, never being able to hug his dad or baby brother again. Our 4th and 5th have and will graduate high school without their biggest cheerleader sitting in the stands.
Your choice that night robbed my family of so much. It robbed me of growing old with my sweetheart, of enjoying grandkids together, traveling together, and just being us together.
I want you to know even though YOUR decision that night changed every single aspect of my life and my family's life. I pray for peace every night. I pray that every time you get behind the wheel that you are sober. I pray that should you ever pick up a drink again, you will remember that night that you changed both of our lives and I pray you walk away from that drink.
I keep seeing your face for the first time I met you. The sorrow & pain visible. I pray you find peace. I truly forgive you and hope you are able to move forward."
I returned to my seat, the judge nodded and just looked at me and Mr S for a minute, then Mr S says that he has a statement he would like to say.
Judge says go ahead,,,,
This is what he says,, *IT WILL PISS YOU OFF,, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! please know I am at complete peace with everything that happened*
Mr S.
"your honor, I am guil,, responsible for my actions that day,,, "blah blah blah,, bunch of unimportant bullshit and babble that he rambled on about for a few minutes,, "This affected my family too, this has changed my family as well..." blah blah blah ... then he raises his voice and says "however I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF ANYONE!,, Ok I am done!"
His lawyer looked at him with his jaw hanging open.. the Judge looked at him,, you could seriously see steam coming out of the Judge's ears,, he was not impressed. and the PA looked back at me, with complete shock all over his face.
Me,, I sat there, smiling,, feeling complete peace, and kept hearing "let it go,,, just let it go" being whispered in my ear.
Mr S stormed out of the court room and the PA and the investigating officer jumped up and came over to me. The PA apologized all over the place. and I stopped him and said, you know what,.. it's ok. It is out of our control what Mr S Says and does. He will have to live with this for the rest of his life. God is a loving God,, He is also a just God and now Mr S will have to answer for these actions as well.
I got to him. I was able to say what I needed to say. I was able to let him know that yes I hold him accountable for taking Todd and Levi's lives from this earth... However, I forgive him. I am ready to move forward. I am ready to be happy again.
I miss them, so much, every single day. I will miss them for the rest of my life. And anyone that knows Todd and Levi and how much they loved me, knows that they would both KICK MY ASS if I was the weeping widow society thinks I should be. I will still cry, not as often, and that's ok. I will always have them with me.
Love... is all that matters. (PS I kinda love Billy Currington!! just saying'!)
here's the link to that song I keep going back to,,,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKpQRjj_WbU:-)
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Friday, September 11, 2015
Brutally honest,,, Suicide
PLEASE DO NOT READ MORE INTO THIS THAN WHAT I AM SAYING,, we all know I have no filter, and I am brutally honest to a fault... I am in NO WAY going to do anything to harm myself!!! Just trying to get across to those of you who have never felt like taking your life, how it actually feels,, and the thought process....
The thought has entered my head on more than one occasion these last *almost* 9 months, as recently as the last two weeks. DO NOT CALL ANYONE! I am not going to do anything. I see a counselor and we talk openly about it. She knows, and is aware of all my thought. *I have no filter*.
I get it. I understand now the thought process. The feeling of emptiness that is so completely overwhelming that you lose all sense of reason. The dark pit. The abyss. The loneliness, feeling like a burden, the longing to be needed again, to feel treasured, desired, wanted, helpful, loved. I could go on, but I am sure you get the point.
It would be so easy too, just go to my car, leave the garage door shut, and turn it on,, fall asleep.,, don't wake up. That was my first thought when I(haha) woke up on December 14, 2014. I could just slip away.. join them. Then I saw my daughters face, and the face of her boyfriend.. what would that do to her? She just lost her dad and her brother.. I couldn't do that to her.. BUT OH THE PAIN IS SO MUCH! How can I keep going? And my son,, the one on his way home for the funerals,, what would that do to him? I would miss so much of their lives,, weddings, babies, joys, sorrows,, THE SORROWS,, How on earth can I keep going? I put a call into my dr, who happens to be family, and expressed my concern and worry about running out of my anti-depressants and the thoughts going through my head,, I believe my words were something like this.,, "I'm scared, All I keep thinking about is going into my garage and turning on the car, but I don't want to do that. I can't run out of my medication right now,,,"
So, to help me get over this and put these thoughts out of my head I went to Canada with my parents for 3 weeks... I was never alone for very long.. My parental units checked on me, when I slipped away to my bedroom downstairs, on a fairly regular basis.. they are really good about giving me my space while letting me know they were right there.
The thoughts went away for a while. Even after I got back home, people stopped by, fairly regularly, making sure I ate, I,, haha slept, I got out... after a few months, people started getting on with their lives, moving on, doing their routine. AND THAT IS OK!, oh my hell that is MORE than ok!! But my life didn't go anywhere, while everyone was doing their routine, I was struggling to get out of bed, and I let that darkness back in.
I am not sure what has happened these last two weeks, but that darkness all but consumed me. I didn't answer calls, unless I felt I had to, I lied and said I was fine. I wanted to be alone.... I wanted to self destruct. I know I am loved, I don't think I understand how fully I am loved, because even though my friends and family all continue on with their routines, they still find ways to tell me and to show me I am loved... Not one of them has said,, "still mourning?" no one has commented on how I have to get over it,. they ,,,, YOU say you get it,, that I am ok, that you are there for me.
My daughter and I talk at least once a day, usually more, and lately it has been about wedding stuff,,, YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! My son tells me he loves me every single time he emails me.
YOU all have posted one thing or another in the last 9 months, whether it be on facebook, or that has kept me going, that has lifted that foreboding darkness, even just a little... you have all reminded me that I am here for a purpose, *no idea what that is yet though* You have all made me feel so loved, that I don't dare do anything to myself. This particular picture has shown up on my timeline so much the last little while it was actually getting annoying... until last night,,, I looked at it again for probably 15 minutes, reading it over and over. Look at the love this man has for you,, for me,, for us... He does, and he doesn't even know who we are.. but he loves us! I cried last night, sobbed actually. I am not alone, you are not alone... no matter what we are facing right now, we are not alone.
This month is suicide awareness month. I don't write this post to have everyone in a panic that I am going to commit suicide. I AM NOT! I have too much to do here, and too many grandbabies that need ME to spoil them rotten,, soon, I hope! lol
I write this to thank you all for all your love and support. And to hopefully help someone, someone who is scared... someone who has been through something so horrendous that they feel their only option is to end the pain, someone who can somehow smile, and fake it, and they don't want to fake it anymore.
I DON'T CARE WHAT TIME IT IS, WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, OR WHERE YOU ARE. WHEN YOU NEED A FRIEND CALL ME, I WILL ALWAYS ANSWER MY PHONE FOR YOU, I WILL GET IN MY CAR AND COME GET YOU. You want to get out of your house,, call me! You need a hug... CALL ME!!! I actually crave affection and will hug you so hard and not let go until you can feel how much I love you!, you want ice cream,,, DUDE CALL ME!!!!!!!! You want to just sit and cry,, and have me not talk,,, yep,,, CALL ME! I have pretty big shoulders,, you can soak them all night long!
WE ARE LOVED! Each and every one of us! Our families love us, our friends love us... our SAVIOUR loves us, He has felt our pain, He has shed our tears, He has given us literally everything.
So DON'T you dare give up! Do NOT give in. Let that love envelope us, and keep us buoyed up through the trials and blessings we get to experience down here, on earth.
WE CAN AND WE WILL SUCCEED at our missions here in life. There is help, and there is love...
More than we can possibly comprehend.
The thought has entered my head on more than one occasion these last *almost* 9 months, as recently as the last two weeks. DO NOT CALL ANYONE! I am not going to do anything. I see a counselor and we talk openly about it. She knows, and is aware of all my thought. *I have no filter*.
I get it. I understand now the thought process. The feeling of emptiness that is so completely overwhelming that you lose all sense of reason. The dark pit. The abyss. The loneliness, feeling like a burden, the longing to be needed again, to feel treasured, desired, wanted, helpful, loved. I could go on, but I am sure you get the point.
It would be so easy too, just go to my car, leave the garage door shut, and turn it on,, fall asleep.,, don't wake up. That was my first thought when I(haha) woke up on December 14, 2014. I could just slip away.. join them. Then I saw my daughters face, and the face of her boyfriend.. what would that do to her? She just lost her dad and her brother.. I couldn't do that to her.. BUT OH THE PAIN IS SO MUCH! How can I keep going? And my son,, the one on his way home for the funerals,, what would that do to him? I would miss so much of their lives,, weddings, babies, joys, sorrows,, THE SORROWS,, How on earth can I keep going? I put a call into my dr, who happens to be family, and expressed my concern and worry about running out of my anti-depressants and the thoughts going through my head,, I believe my words were something like this.,, "I'm scared, All I keep thinking about is going into my garage and turning on the car, but I don't want to do that. I can't run out of my medication right now,,,"
So, to help me get over this and put these thoughts out of my head I went to Canada with my parents for 3 weeks... I was never alone for very long.. My parental units checked on me, when I slipped away to my bedroom downstairs, on a fairly regular basis.. they are really good about giving me my space while letting me know they were right there.
The thoughts went away for a while. Even after I got back home, people stopped by, fairly regularly, making sure I ate, I,, haha slept, I got out... after a few months, people started getting on with their lives, moving on, doing their routine. AND THAT IS OK!, oh my hell that is MORE than ok!! But my life didn't go anywhere, while everyone was doing their routine, I was struggling to get out of bed, and I let that darkness back in.
I am not sure what has happened these last two weeks, but that darkness all but consumed me. I didn't answer calls, unless I felt I had to, I lied and said I was fine. I wanted to be alone.... I wanted to self destruct. I know I am loved, I don't think I understand how fully I am loved, because even though my friends and family all continue on with their routines, they still find ways to tell me and to show me I am loved... Not one of them has said,, "still mourning?" no one has commented on how I have to get over it,. they ,,,, YOU say you get it,, that I am ok, that you are there for me.
My daughter and I talk at least once a day, usually more, and lately it has been about wedding stuff,,, YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! My son tells me he loves me every single time he emails me.
YOU all have posted one thing or another in the last 9 months, whether it be on facebook, or that has kept me going, that has lifted that foreboding darkness, even just a little... you have all reminded me that I am here for a purpose, *no idea what that is yet though* You have all made me feel so loved, that I don't dare do anything to myself. This particular picture has shown up on my timeline so much the last little while it was actually getting annoying... until last night,,, I looked at it again for probably 15 minutes, reading it over and over. Look at the love this man has for you,, for me,, for us... He does, and he doesn't even know who we are.. but he loves us! I cried last night, sobbed actually. I am not alone, you are not alone... no matter what we are facing right now, we are not alone.
This month is suicide awareness month. I don't write this post to have everyone in a panic that I am going to commit suicide. I AM NOT! I have too much to do here, and too many grandbabies that need ME to spoil them rotten,, soon, I hope! lol
I write this to thank you all for all your love and support. And to hopefully help someone, someone who is scared... someone who has been through something so horrendous that they feel their only option is to end the pain, someone who can somehow smile, and fake it, and they don't want to fake it anymore.
I DON'T CARE WHAT TIME IT IS, WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, OR WHERE YOU ARE. WHEN YOU NEED A FRIEND CALL ME, I WILL ALWAYS ANSWER MY PHONE FOR YOU, I WILL GET IN MY CAR AND COME GET YOU. You want to get out of your house,, call me! You need a hug... CALL ME!!! I actually crave affection and will hug you so hard and not let go until you can feel how much I love you!, you want ice cream,,, DUDE CALL ME!!!!!!!! You want to just sit and cry,, and have me not talk,,, yep,,, CALL ME! I have pretty big shoulders,, you can soak them all night long!
WE ARE LOVED! Each and every one of us! Our families love us, our friends love us... our SAVIOUR loves us, He has felt our pain, He has shed our tears, He has given us literally everything.
So DON'T you dare give up! Do NOT give in. Let that love envelope us, and keep us buoyed up through the trials and blessings we get to experience down here, on earth.
WE CAN AND WE WILL SUCCEED at our missions here in life. There is help, and there is love...
More than we can possibly comprehend.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
"If you ask me how I'm doing...
...I would say I'm doing just fine. I would lie, and say that they're not on my mind."
It isn't every day that I would lie.. some days I am fine. But I seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. And I don't like it.
(venting post,there will be ramblings, and probably repeats of what has already been said, you've been warned)
I relive different parts of our past on a daily basis. I will walk into the kitchen and "see" Todd standing there, with the fridge door open, waiting to give me that last kiss good bye.. I "see" Levi downstairs, when I am brave enough to go down there, playing with his legos, waiting to show me his newest creation that he painstakingly built. I look over at the end table Todd's grandpa made and I see his dialysis machine's ghost sitting there, what I would give to hear that annoying piece of machinery beep one more time. Blood strips in my medicine cabinet, Todd's soap in my shower, Levi's toothbrush, hair brush, cards, memories,, memories,, EVERY WHERE!!!!!!
I relive that night every single time I drive past THAT spot, or see the firehouse, which is right next to it. I avoid the cemetery because when I go, I can't leave. I want to take a pillow with me and just stay there. I feel guilty when I leave.
There are a few distractions,, but even those are tainted with their memories. Our oldest is getting married next year... she and I talk on almost a daily basis, about everything. Lately wedding stuff. AND I LOVE IT! I have waited to help her do this her whole life. Then we talk about the ceremony,, and there comes the void.. her dad,, HE was supposed to be here for this,, he had already given Jeff our blessing to ask for her hand in marriage. HE is supposed to be here to watch the sheer joy on her face, to walk her down the isle. To hand her off and to welcome her husband into our family. Levi is supposed to be here, to stand beside Jeff, to hand him the rings,, whatever,, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!
I went to the movie last night with my friend and her daughter. We saw "Once I was A Beehive". Somewhat cheesy mormon movie about girls camp and family. Yep I cried! I loved it. There is a quote from that movie that I absolutely love,, After the girl's dad dies, and her mom remarries a mormon, and she spends a week with a bunch of girls she has never met,, she realizes,, "Right at that exact moment, right at that exact time, I am exactly where I need to be, with who I exactly need to be with" This is my life. Right now, I am exactly where I need to be, surrounded by exactly who I need. I get it. It's funny that 11 months ago I had said to Todd that I hated living here. I knew we had to because of his health, but I had no friends, I hated my job, more so the hours, and the drive. I didn't want to live in an HOA, seriously always said I never would.. talking to my Mum on Sunday I think, and I told her I would never live anywhere else. I have never felt more loved by people who weren't related to me than I do today. I love that I can walk into my neighbors house and join in celebrating BYU's epic win, that I can walk in and just get a hug, or sit down to eat dinner with them because I am lonely. I love that I can call someone and say Hey,, I am having a crappy day and her and her husband come down and just sit with me,, let me talk,, even though everyone has heard it all before, many times over. No judgement, no harassing that I need to get over it, nothing but Christ like love. I love every single one of my friends,, they are like family. And if I can't be with Todd and Levi right now,, I am glad these people let me be with them.
I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. I still have to force myself to get out of bed every single day. I still avoid things I know are triggers. And I find new ones daily. I ache. I miss the people I thought would still be in my life, who have chosen to take themselves out of it.
My heart physically hurts every. single. day. My throat feels like there is a giant spike going right through the middle of my neck and out the back of my head, every. single. day. Somehow,, some way my cement encased feet manage to keep moving me through this.. moving me forward. I keep getting up in the morning, and going to bed at night, and sometimes I don't even have to remember to breath,, it just happens.
I am sure you are all tired of hearing me ramble and cry. *not looking for any 'it's ok rhonda' comments, I'm tired of hearing it.*
This is my reality,, this is my life,, and I have to learn how to keep moving forward, and it is all of you that help loosen that cement on my feet even just a little.. it's all of you who help me and give me strength. So thank you, for being exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.
It isn't every day that I would lie.. some days I am fine. But I seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. And I don't like it.
(venting post,there will be ramblings, and probably repeats of what has already been said, you've been warned)
I relive different parts of our past on a daily basis. I will walk into the kitchen and "see" Todd standing there, with the fridge door open, waiting to give me that last kiss good bye.. I "see" Levi downstairs, when I am brave enough to go down there, playing with his legos, waiting to show me his newest creation that he painstakingly built. I look over at the end table Todd's grandpa made and I see his dialysis machine's ghost sitting there, what I would give to hear that annoying piece of machinery beep one more time. Blood strips in my medicine cabinet, Todd's soap in my shower, Levi's toothbrush, hair brush, cards, memories,, memories,, EVERY WHERE!!!!!!
I relive that night every single time I drive past THAT spot, or see the firehouse, which is right next to it. I avoid the cemetery because when I go, I can't leave. I want to take a pillow with me and just stay there. I feel guilty when I leave.
There are a few distractions,, but even those are tainted with their memories. Our oldest is getting married next year... she and I talk on almost a daily basis, about everything. Lately wedding stuff. AND I LOVE IT! I have waited to help her do this her whole life. Then we talk about the ceremony,, and there comes the void.. her dad,, HE was supposed to be here for this,, he had already given Jeff our blessing to ask for her hand in marriage. HE is supposed to be here to watch the sheer joy on her face, to walk her down the isle. To hand her off and to welcome her husband into our family. Levi is supposed to be here, to stand beside Jeff, to hand him the rings,, whatever,, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!
I went to the movie last night with my friend and her daughter. We saw "Once I was A Beehive". Somewhat cheesy mormon movie about girls camp and family. Yep I cried! I loved it. There is a quote from that movie that I absolutely love,, After the girl's dad dies, and her mom remarries a mormon, and she spends a week with a bunch of girls she has never met,, she realizes,, "Right at that exact moment, right at that exact time, I am exactly where I need to be, with who I exactly need to be with" This is my life. Right now, I am exactly where I need to be, surrounded by exactly who I need. I get it. It's funny that 11 months ago I had said to Todd that I hated living here. I knew we had to because of his health, but I had no friends, I hated my job, more so the hours, and the drive. I didn't want to live in an HOA, seriously always said I never would.. talking to my Mum on Sunday I think, and I told her I would never live anywhere else. I have never felt more loved by people who weren't related to me than I do today. I love that I can walk into my neighbors house and join in celebrating BYU's epic win, that I can walk in and just get a hug, or sit down to eat dinner with them because I am lonely. I love that I can call someone and say Hey,, I am having a crappy day and her and her husband come down and just sit with me,, let me talk,, even though everyone has heard it all before, many times over. No judgement, no harassing that I need to get over it, nothing but Christ like love. I love every single one of my friends,, they are like family. And if I can't be with Todd and Levi right now,, I am glad these people let me be with them.
I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. I still have to force myself to get out of bed every single day. I still avoid things I know are triggers. And I find new ones daily. I ache. I miss the people I thought would still be in my life, who have chosen to take themselves out of it.
My heart physically hurts every. single. day. My throat feels like there is a giant spike going right through the middle of my neck and out the back of my head, every. single. day. Somehow,, some way my cement encased feet manage to keep moving me through this.. moving me forward. I keep getting up in the morning, and going to bed at night, and sometimes I don't even have to remember to breath,, it just happens.
I am sure you are all tired of hearing me ramble and cry. *not looking for any 'it's ok rhonda' comments, I'm tired of hearing it.*
This is my reality,, this is my life,, and I have to learn how to keep moving forward, and it is all of you that help loosen that cement on my feet even just a little.. it's all of you who help me and give me strength. So thank you, for being exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Who am I...
This is the question that has been running through my mind the last few weeks.
Today was supposed to be the pre trial hearing for Mr Sumbot, the man who decided to get into his car, and speed while intoxicated on a stormy winter's night, and caused the death of my sweetheart and my baby boy. I remember his words to me, when we met,, "I thought I hit a dear, I am so sorry"
When he said those words, I forgave him so easily, I was at peace with everything,,
I didn't know he had been drinking.
I found out about 4 months ago he had been drinking, had an open bottle, almost emptied, in the car, and another bottle waiting to be opened.
When I was told he had been drinking, I was filled with rage, hatred, anger, and every other descriptive word in the english language that can describe what I was feeling that day, and for weeks after. months even. AND I HATED IT! I hated those feelings. I am not a hateful person. Usually. I have always been one to deal with what has upset me and move on, let it go. Once I get what has me upset off my chest I am good to go. NOT THIS TIME. It consumed me. It ate at me while I slept, it brought waterfalls of tears to my eyes while I was awake. I talked to my Bishop, to my grief counselor, to friends about it, and they all said the same thing,,, "let the atonement work for you. That is why it is there!"
CRAZY! What on earth did I do that was wrong? Seriously, aren't we taught the Atonement is all about Christ dying on the cross for our sins? I didn't do the sinning here, these people, my confidants were all nuts.
I am not sure what happened.. or why,,, but after our trip to Canada, Kenzie and I, I walked into the house and suddenly a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was like Todd and Levi greeted me at the door and just took all that pain, hatred and anger I had been carrying for months right off my shoulders. I was able to let go.
I was talking to my mother in law after we were done at the court house. I was telling her how I hoped they didn't think I was blowing this whole redo on the pre trial off. That it matters to me, so much, more than anyone else.
The thought came to me.... *get ready it's a good one!*.....
Who am I to not let it go? Who am I to not forgive? If my loving Savior, my older brother, is able to pray in Gethsemane and fast for 40 days and 40 nights, if my Redeemer is able to walk through the streets and have those whom he has served spit on him, place a crown of plaited thorns on His head, and He doesn't utter one single word of anger, if MY deliverer carries a wooden cross up a hill, lays down on it, and lets people He loves so very much, drive stakes into His hands, feet, and wrists, and plunge a sword into His side, and as He takes His final breathe He says, "forgive them Father, for they know not what they do" WHO AM I TO HANG ON TO SUCH HATRED?
My loving older brother, did all of that,,,for you, and you and you and.... FOR ME. He felt the pain of not only every sin we would commit, He felt our pain, our agony, our heartache, He cried our tears. He longed to take that pain from us. He did that for you and He did that for ME! He felt every ounce of breathe leave my body when I realized that it was my husband, my son on the road that night. He felt my heart break in two. He felt my will to die, He felt everything. That is the Atonement. That is why He suffered on the cross. Not just for the mistakes I would make, and there have been plenty, but for all the sorrows you and I would feel as we navigated through this pathway back to Him and our Father. He cried every tear, every single one of us has ever or will ever shed.
So who am I to hang on to such pain? How can I continue forward down this path of life if I don't let go of what He has already paid for?
I don't hate the driver. I don't. I want justice. But I am not going to go after him for everything he has,, no matter what happens, it won't bring back my husband, my children's father, my son, my children's brother. My faith lies with my Father in Heaven, with my Savior Jesus Christ, and in the Atonement.
There is more than one justice system at play here... there is the earthly justice, and the Eternal justice, and that justice is where my faith is.
I keep going back to that night. At the firehouse, the warmth and love I felt, the waves of peace.. my Saviors arms were wrapped around me that night, in the form of one acting in His place. I saw the look of pain on His face, I saw how desperately my Redeemer wanted nothing more than to "remove this cup from me", but I had agreed to it, just like He had agreed to His Cup so very long ago. He couldn't take it from me, but if I let Him, He could walk beside me and help me through it.
I know my Savior lives,, I know HE LOVES ME. I KNOW I WILL SEE MY FAMILY AGAIN! I KNOW IT!
Who am I? I am a Child who is loved beyond words. I am a child who's Father heartbreakingly gave me His only begotten so that I might return to live with Him again, one day. And I know that God has got this! (No I am not holding onto the hope that the Lord will thrust the driver down to hell,, that is not a loving Lord.) I know that He will make everything right. So, yes, I am letting go. I am moving forward,, not on, as I am leaving nothing behind.
*feel like I am rambling here... again!*
Love one another... and please,,, let it go. He's got this,, I PROMISE!
Today was supposed to be the pre trial hearing for Mr Sumbot, the man who decided to get into his car, and speed while intoxicated on a stormy winter's night, and caused the death of my sweetheart and my baby boy. I remember his words to me, when we met,, "I thought I hit a dear, I am so sorry"
When he said those words, I forgave him so easily, I was at peace with everything,,
I didn't know he had been drinking.
I found out about 4 months ago he had been drinking, had an open bottle, almost emptied, in the car, and another bottle waiting to be opened.
When I was told he had been drinking, I was filled with rage, hatred, anger, and every other descriptive word in the english language that can describe what I was feeling that day, and for weeks after. months even. AND I HATED IT! I hated those feelings. I am not a hateful person. Usually. I have always been one to deal with what has upset me and move on, let it go. Once I get what has me upset off my chest I am good to go. NOT THIS TIME. It consumed me. It ate at me while I slept, it brought waterfalls of tears to my eyes while I was awake. I talked to my Bishop, to my grief counselor, to friends about it, and they all said the same thing,,, "let the atonement work for you. That is why it is there!"
CRAZY! What on earth did I do that was wrong? Seriously, aren't we taught the Atonement is all about Christ dying on the cross for our sins? I didn't do the sinning here, these people, my confidants were all nuts.
I am not sure what happened.. or why,,, but after our trip to Canada, Kenzie and I, I walked into the house and suddenly a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was like Todd and Levi greeted me at the door and just took all that pain, hatred and anger I had been carrying for months right off my shoulders. I was able to let go.
I was talking to my mother in law after we were done at the court house. I was telling her how I hoped they didn't think I was blowing this whole redo on the pre trial off. That it matters to me, so much, more than anyone else.
The thought came to me.... *get ready it's a good one!*.....
Who am I to not let it go? Who am I to not forgive? If my loving Savior, my older brother, is able to pray in Gethsemane and fast for 40 days and 40 nights, if my Redeemer is able to walk through the streets and have those whom he has served spit on him, place a crown of plaited thorns on His head, and He doesn't utter one single word of anger, if MY deliverer carries a wooden cross up a hill, lays down on it, and lets people He loves so very much, drive stakes into His hands, feet, and wrists, and plunge a sword into His side, and as He takes His final breathe He says, "forgive them Father, for they know not what they do" WHO AM I TO HANG ON TO SUCH HATRED?
My loving older brother, did all of that,,,for you, and you and you and.... FOR ME. He felt the pain of not only every sin we would commit, He felt our pain, our agony, our heartache, He cried our tears. He longed to take that pain from us. He did that for you and He did that for ME! He felt every ounce of breathe leave my body when I realized that it was my husband, my son on the road that night. He felt my heart break in two. He felt my will to die, He felt everything. That is the Atonement. That is why He suffered on the cross. Not just for the mistakes I would make, and there have been plenty, but for all the sorrows you and I would feel as we navigated through this pathway back to Him and our Father. He cried every tear, every single one of us has ever or will ever shed.
So who am I to hang on to such pain? How can I continue forward down this path of life if I don't let go of what He has already paid for?
I don't hate the driver. I don't. I want justice. But I am not going to go after him for everything he has,, no matter what happens, it won't bring back my husband, my children's father, my son, my children's brother. My faith lies with my Father in Heaven, with my Savior Jesus Christ, and in the Atonement.
There is more than one justice system at play here... there is the earthly justice, and the Eternal justice, and that justice is where my faith is.
I keep going back to that night. At the firehouse, the warmth and love I felt, the waves of peace.. my Saviors arms were wrapped around me that night, in the form of one acting in His place. I saw the look of pain on His face, I saw how desperately my Redeemer wanted nothing more than to "remove this cup from me", but I had agreed to it, just like He had agreed to His Cup so very long ago. He couldn't take it from me, but if I let Him, He could walk beside me and help me through it.
I know my Savior lives,, I know HE LOVES ME. I KNOW I WILL SEE MY FAMILY AGAIN! I KNOW IT!
Who am I? I am a Child who is loved beyond words. I am a child who's Father heartbreakingly gave me His only begotten so that I might return to live with Him again, one day. And I know that God has got this! (No I am not holding onto the hope that the Lord will thrust the driver down to hell,, that is not a loving Lord.) I know that He will make everything right. So, yes, I am letting go. I am moving forward,, not on, as I am leaving nothing behind.
*feel like I am rambling here... again!*
Love one another... and please,,, let it go. He's got this,, I PROMISE!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Life goes on...
Back to School,,,, I used to look forward to the days when I didn't have to buy school supplies, take kids back to school shopping, set my alarm for 5 am so I can make sure they are up for seminary *Not everywhere has seminary integrated into their school system Utah!*.
This week I see pictures of my friends kids with signs saying what grade they are going into, the brightly colored new back packs filled to the brim with sharp pencils, virgin white paper waiting to be inked, paints, notebooks with uncracked spines,, I want that.
We always want what we don't have right?
I never in a million years thought it would affect me like this, I never thought I would miss it. It would've been different if he had graduated highschool, if I had the opportunity to relish all his academic accomplishments and celebrate them with him like I did our other children. It is hard to be on facebook and see all your posts about how excited your kids are to start a new adventure. It's hard to see how excited all of you are to have the house to yourself's again. And please, I am not blaming you, and I certainly am in no way upset with you, I get it! I was there, only a year ago. I was so freaking excited to get back to a schedule, a routine. It just hurts my heart that I can't share in it with you. I want to be excited to have the house to myself again, to have a few moments with my husband before my boy walks in the door from school. So please keep posting them!!!
I get to think about something new this year. His eyes will see things in a different light, his heart still beats, and hopefully that person is excited for the new school year. Hopefully his heart flutters and is a little anxious at meeting the new teacher, making new friends,, did he just move this year as well? Hopefully his eyes will see all the wonderful things he/she can accomplish, maybe they are giving sight to a mom, who is anxious to get back to a routine again, or who is sending her baby off to first grade. Wipe them gently mom. I worked hard to make those eyes. Hug that heart just a little tighter will you please? You have no idea how much love is in that heart, bursting to get out.
I had a hard time with organ donation, until that dreadful night,, Now... Now, I love that part of my son still lives, and gets to experience this life.
https://video-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hvideo-xap1/v/t42.1790-2/11353770_1641829746040113_175762992_n.mp4?efg=eyJybHIiOjMwMCwicmxhIjo1MTJ9&rl=300&vabr=160&oh=92918c1ba8025b4bef7a6652fc5d02df&oe=55D4CBD0
because after all is said and done, Life does nothing, if not go on...
This week I see pictures of my friends kids with signs saying what grade they are going into, the brightly colored new back packs filled to the brim with sharp pencils, virgin white paper waiting to be inked, paints, notebooks with uncracked spines,, I want that.
We always want what we don't have right?
I never in a million years thought it would affect me like this, I never thought I would miss it. It would've been different if he had graduated highschool, if I had the opportunity to relish all his academic accomplishments and celebrate them with him like I did our other children. It is hard to be on facebook and see all your posts about how excited your kids are to start a new adventure. It's hard to see how excited all of you are to have the house to yourself's again. And please, I am not blaming you, and I certainly am in no way upset with you, I get it! I was there, only a year ago. I was so freaking excited to get back to a schedule, a routine. It just hurts my heart that I can't share in it with you. I want to be excited to have the house to myself again, to have a few moments with my husband before my boy walks in the door from school. So please keep posting them!!!
I get to think about something new this year. His eyes will see things in a different light, his heart still beats, and hopefully that person is excited for the new school year. Hopefully his heart flutters and is a little anxious at meeting the new teacher, making new friends,, did he just move this year as well? Hopefully his eyes will see all the wonderful things he/she can accomplish, maybe they are giving sight to a mom, who is anxious to get back to a routine again, or who is sending her baby off to first grade. Wipe them gently mom. I worked hard to make those eyes. Hug that heart just a little tighter will you please? You have no idea how much love is in that heart, bursting to get out.
I had a hard time with organ donation, until that dreadful night,, Now... Now, I love that part of my son still lives, and gets to experience this life.
https://video-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hvideo-xap1/v/t42.1790-2/11353770_1641829746040113_175762992_n.mp4?efg=eyJybHIiOjMwMCwicmxhIjo1MTJ9&rl=300&vabr=160&oh=92918c1ba8025b4bef7a6652fc5d02df&oe=55D4CBD0
because after all is said and done, Life does nothing, if not go on...
Comfort
There are few things that give me comfort, well no, there are alot of things that give me comfort, they are just different from what used to bring me Joy. These are not the same thing.
One of the things that brings me much comfort is my friends. Old friends that I have had for 43 years, friends that I have made because of the accident, and friends I have because one young boy decided a mission was his to server. One young man. Made a decision, to leave his family for two years, and because of that young man, I now have so many friends in Utah, and Georgia. I got the opportunity to meet a few of these friends last night. I am so so very glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and met up with these family's and connect with them on a personal level.
Two of these incredible family's also had young people who decided to give up two years of their lives to serve in Georgia, and left their families to work with my young man.
The one in the blue shirt, she has welcomed my young man into her home, fed my young man, hugged my young man, loved my young man, and touched my life in ways she will never know.
Today is her day, to allow her young man to leave her for two years as he serves the Lord in the Utah, St George Mission. She asks me, how am I going to let him go? And memories come flooding back of how so very hard it was for me to let my young man go, and the tears fall. All I can say is "because you have faith my sweet friend, my sister, and faith with out works is dead". My heart is mixed today, it hurts for her as much as it did that day almost two years ago, when I had to drive away and give back to the Lord with what He had entrusted me with 18 years ago. My heart also sings for her, for the blessings that will come to her because she has returned to the Father, what He entrusted her with 18 years ago, will be numerous and plentiful! There will be tears... there will be heartache, there will also be joy, and happiness and comfort. And when you are missing him so much you feel like you are going to break apart,, your family, us other missionary mommas that broke bread with you last night, we will be there to bring you comfort no one else can!
Love you Nancy! More than you will ever know! it is our turn to help you!!
One of the things that brings me much comfort is my friends. Old friends that I have had for 43 years, friends that I have made because of the accident, and friends I have because one young boy decided a mission was his to server. One young man. Made a decision, to leave his family for two years, and because of that young man, I now have so many friends in Utah, and Georgia. I got the opportunity to meet a few of these friends last night. I am so so very glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and met up with these family's and connect with them on a personal level.
Two of these incredible family's also had young people who decided to give up two years of their lives to serve in Georgia, and left their families to work with my young man.
The one in the blue shirt, she has welcomed my young man into her home, fed my young man, hugged my young man, loved my young man, and touched my life in ways she will never know.
Today is her day, to allow her young man to leave her for two years as he serves the Lord in the Utah, St George Mission. She asks me, how am I going to let him go? And memories come flooding back of how so very hard it was for me to let my young man go, and the tears fall. All I can say is "because you have faith my sweet friend, my sister, and faith with out works is dead". My heart is mixed today, it hurts for her as much as it did that day almost two years ago, when I had to drive away and give back to the Lord with what He had entrusted me with 18 years ago. My heart also sings for her, for the blessings that will come to her because she has returned to the Father, what He entrusted her with 18 years ago, will be numerous and plentiful! There will be tears... there will be heartache, there will also be joy, and happiness and comfort. And when you are missing him so much you feel like you are going to break apart,, your family, us other missionary mommas that broke bread with you last night, we will be there to bring you comfort no one else can!
Love you Nancy! More than you will ever know! it is our turn to help you!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Realizing you dont have control over everything...
*I have thought long and hard, about blogging about this, and have started and erased it so many times I have lost count*
I have really had a hard time these last few months, with letting go of things I can't control. Mainly, letting go of the fact that the DA is not charging the driver with vehicular homicide, and has turned the case over to the city for a DUI charge. When I was told this, I was so very angry. I actually felt bad for the officer that came into my home to tell me what the DA's findings where.
I called the DA and had a lengthy discussion with her as to why charges were not being filed for the death of my husband and son. Turns out UTAH law states that the driver has to be the main reason the accident happened, and because it was dark, stormy, and no shoulder on the road, *read Todd and Levi were on the edge of the driver's lane, never mind that pedestrians always have the right of way*, the driver's negligence is not the main reason why the accident happened. *I am paraphrasing here, but you get the point,, and don't bother telling me how ridiculous this is,, I am very aware!* So he is being charged with a DUI.
In 2007 there was an accident where a teenage driver, 17 I believe he was, who was drunk, hit a car with 5 people in it, killing 4 of them,, the wife of the hit vehicle was expecting, both her and the unborn baby were killed along with two of her children. The man, the father, the husband who's entire world changed in a split second, made the decision to forgive the driver, before the paramedics even got to him. There is a movie coming out called "Just Let Go" and it is this man's story, of forgiving and letting go of the past. THIS IS A MOVIE I WILL BE GOING TO! I am hoping this will help me let go of the anger that has dwelt in my heart way too long... I really go back and forth between anger and pity for the driver in my story,,, As I watch the trailers for it, I am brought back to the night my life completely changed. I remember asking the Lieutenant who was with me, about the driver, how he was doing. I remember telling my Bishop that he had to let the driver know I don't blame him, that this was a complete act of God. I remember feeling complete peace with this decision.
A few months ago,, the anger hit... I wanted him persecuted. I wanted him "hung". I wanted him to feel the pain I feel every single day...
So what changed? I found out he had be drinking. I found out what his BAL was. And I was suddenly sick to my stomach. Should any of that mattered? It didn't for the man I mentioned above.. And as I watch the trailers, I am reminded of various quotes,
- Who among us is without sin?, Let him cast the first stone
- Don't judge me because my sins are different from yours
here's the clip
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/16/forgiveness_n_1886057.html
I can't control the driver. I can't control what he did that night, any more than I can control what he is going to do tomorrow, what the judge is going to do, or what you are going to do.
I have to let the Lord have this. I need to focus on healing my family. On going forward. I need to focus my energy on what I can control, which is actually not a lot,, and I have a lot of energy.
So as I strive to get that peaceful feeling back, that I had the night our world completely changed, I need to remember to Just Let Go, let go of the hatred, the blackness that seems to be working hard on keeping residence in my heart. I will go to the court house, when the driver has to appear. I will say nothing, I will pray for peace as the Judge does what he feels is fair. And I will move forward, with my family.
I am falling to my knees more, cracking open my scriptures and searching for verses on forgiveness and letting go, reading conference talks in the Ensign, and above all, I am very much aware of two angels, who are with me, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY., they help me get out of bed, they help me keep going forward, and I simply can not let them down. So as much anger you feel on my behave, on my kids behave, on my family's behave, please... don't. Pray for peace and faith in our hearts. Because in the end, all I want is to be able to have those two angels, my family, and my Savior pleased with how I got through this trial. And maybe, just maybe forgiveness can help me heal... help my family heal.
*I really wish all my thoughts would gather at once and in order, I feel like I am completely rambling and I can't seem to form a coherent thought to save my life,... bad pun!*
Love
is all that matters in the end. To give it and to feel it in your own life. That is what I can control.
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