Time keeps on ticking....... into the future,,, back to the past

and all I want is for it to stop....  Every year he gets older.  Every year I hunt for videos so I don't forget their laugh,, the sound of their voices,,, Every picture I see I relieve the moment.  I don't remember telling a friend,, "let's do lunch" or when it's tuesday and I am supposed to go to my #inseperablesister's house for dinner,, but I remember every single picture,, and the moments leading up to me taking it and the moments just after I snapped it.  My heart hurts.  Every single day.  I want nothing more than to see what he would look like at the 14 yrs of age he will be next month.  I see his friends on occasion, and God bless those boys, they get so excited when they see me, and still give me the biggest hugs and tell me so excitedly about what is going on with their lives.  Man I love those boys.  They will always be my boys! ALWAYS!!! (what 14-15 yr old boys do that willingly???,,, MY BOYS!)

I keep replaying his last birthday in my head,... we were so broke... Todd was so sick, and we had absolutely no money... I took $10 and went to walmart and bought blue and white paint.  He had lost his door earlier in the week because he slammed in, and it was in the garage,, so I got the brilliant idea to paint it like the Tardis off Dr. Who... He had no clue... we had invited a few of his close friends over and we had a Dr Who birthday party for him.  That 11 yr old boy,,, you would've thought we had given him the whole world.  He was so excited when he saw that door.  He absolutely loved it.  and his party,, the boys made sonic screwdrivers, we had food from Dr Who,, they made the fez hats.  The laughter, the noise,, the chaos.  *SIGH*

I worry that my kids don't want to talk about them.. I worry I will become or am becoming a burden on my friends, or family and they will avoid me when they see me... ridiculous I know,, I even vocalized to Tom that I am scared he is going to, one day, say "K,, I've had enough...." and walk away.  Yea he pretty much told me to "Knock it the hell off, because that is not going to happen! I love you"  So that is something I am working on. He has seriously been amazing through the last almost 18 months,.. he encourages me to talk about it, to share the memories, to cry, and when I cry, he does nothing more than wrap his arms around me, and just holds me so tight... silently letting me know he is right beside me, throughout this entire journey. He doesn't try to "fix it" he knows there's nothing to fix.  (Have I ever mentioned how blessed I am he chose me out of all the girls out there to walk the rest of this journey, we call life, with??)

Someone said they choose to not focus on hard days, and that I need to do that as well.....

To that I say the hard days remind me that I am alive,, that I am not done writing my story,, that I have some incredible angels protecting me,, the hard days are when I feel them closest to me,, holding me up, helping me get through the day.  So if it is a choice, I guess I choose to remember.  I choose to let the hard days come,, if time gets to keep ticking on,, I get to have hard days!!!  This is my reality,, not so much new anymore,, it's my reality nonetheless.

I choose to make new memories, I choose to laugh, to have happy days, to gaze a little longer than needed at pictures I find, that were long forgotten, to relive every moment I can in my mind's eye.  I choose to not watch the clock, as it ticks on past, to let the tears fall when they need to,  to let the sun in, to let it warm my face, to let it dry my tears. I choose to keep going.

My inseperable sister said it best,,,, "Grief is love that has no where to go"  And if nothing else, I have a lot of love.

<3

His sister did an amazing job capturing all that he is in this picture.. it is one of my favorites.. It's a side of him few saw... the quiet,, thoughtful, full of love, full of life,,, pondering things no 9-10 yr old should ponder... yep,, tears fall every time I see this picture.