Life is too short to not smile...

Believe it or not, most days are great!

Most days I am able to get up and put on my happy pants, and my killer heels, which lets face it, A great day can totally flip if you're wearing the wrong shoes!,

You know I'm right! I would say about 90% of my days are good.  About 60% of my days start out good and end with tears still falling, and that's ok!  They are getting fewer and further between.   Some of the things that make me smile...

1. starting my day with prayer, always without fail puts a smile on my face.  I know when I put on my 'armour' I can and will conquer every hill put in my path.

2. scripture reading, and I am not talking just the Book of Mormon, I am talking all inspirational uplifting reading..

3. random love videos on Facebook,, like  this one... There are good people out there,,  https://www.facebook.com/Britentj  the video is on my timeline

4. random umprompted messages from people I hold near and dear to my heart,,,, like this one:

This young lady has called me Auntie for over 15 years.  I am not her blood aunt, and she knows it,, but she also knows how very much I love her and her 5 sisters, and  upteen add on siblings!  *I hate the word step-*

I love you auntie! Just wanted to tell you.

5. Do I need a 5? Texts from my kidlets telling me they love me.

That is the start of my list,, I just wanted to let you know that it truly is the little things that matter most. Who cares if you've seen a million caterpillars,, this one is the one the person who looks to you as her hero wants to show you, SO GO LOOK AT IT!

Clothes wash, jump in the puddles,, mud comes off, roll around in it... teach them that it's ok to have fun, it's ok to be a kid, and even their heros can be kid like and have fun, and get dirty!!!

JUST DO IT! Don't put them off. Put down your phone, let them know they matter, whether they are 1, 2, 4, 16, or 43... let that person who is taking time out of their day to talk to you know they matter more than facebook, instagram, and whatever the heck else is out there. Please, I beg you, don't put it off, you could be the difference between someone smiling or crying......

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT SPLASH IN THE TUB!

So thank you to my sweet niece who took the time out of her crazy, hectic, wrangling three kids under 4, *I think* to type 8 little words to me.

Thank you to the sweet girl who shared that video with her mother in law that I am friends with, therefore I could see it and have it brighten my day!

Thank you.... for being my difference!!!

It will never pass

I know people mean well, there are just certain things one gets so tired of hearing,,,

"hang in there, it'll get easier,, you are so strong, I don't know how you do it, this shall pass," there are others, I think I have just blocked them out for ease of survival.

Here are my responses to each of these:

I can do nothing BUT hang in there, and FYI, that thread I am hanging onto could snap at any given time.

No it won't get easier! EVER!  the pain may subside a little, I hear the tears eventually stop, but there will always be triggers, and days where I just want to cry.  So if that is what you mean by "it'll get easier" then ok I guess it will

I am not strong.  I feel like the most vulnerable creature on this planet, my emotions are at an all time peak, and I cry at absolutely anything.  I upset a very close friend recently, unintentionally, and every time I think about it I start crying.  The absolute last thing I want to do is hurt any of my friends, or give them reason to be angry with me.  So I am not strong,, I am just a weak human being, trying to figure this all out.

How do I do it?  I have no clue. I wake up, I get up, and like a robot I do what needs to be done, so I can fall exhausted into bed and pray sleep will come,, beautiful dreamless sleep!. That is how I do it. I am living groundhog day over and over and every time I try to mix it up a little I get myself in trouble.  So I am just going to keep living groundhog day if that's ok with everyone.

This will NEVER pass.  I will carry this with me every single day until I get to be in my husband's arms and hear his sweet voice again.  Even if I do find someone to share this life with, I will always ache for him and my son.

I worry daily.  About my kids, about my missionary coming home to just me.  About being a burden to anyone, whining too much, crying too much, not being happy enough, not being good enough, not being all those things y'all tell me I am on a daily basis.

No one wants the tears to stop more than I do.  No one wants to turn back the clock more than I do.  I miss them,, I miss every single thing, every single day!

please just know I am trying, I am doing the best I absolutely can at this point.  There is absolutely nothing normal about my life, then again when have I ever been normal??

Thank you to all of you for your patience and love, and patience, and love, and....


*sigh* I miss the old me. And I am trying to figure out this new one...

Band aids don't fix bullet holes...

But forgiveness heals like none other.

My family's life was completely torn to shreds 6 1/2 months ago, because my husband decided he wanted to take our son Christmas shopping, because the city of West Jordan decided in it's infinite wisdom, that although there are shoulders on our freeways, and corridor roads, a residential area can have approximately 108 feet of road with NO SHOULDER, and that is perfectly acceptable, because mother nature decided it was the perfect day for an odd ball storm, it was ridiculously dark at 5 pm, argue with me all you want, I drove in it, and I vividly remember thinking how strange it was that it was so dark so early, the snow and sleet were falling fast and hard, the roads were super slick,,,,  and because someone decided it was perfectly ok and legal to get behind the wheel of his car, after drinking enough alcohol to put his BAL at a .13, .08 is the legal limit, and drive home at 5 in the afternoon with an open bottle in his car, doing 10 over the speed limit.  

All of these are decisions someone else made.

Oddly enough Todd had gone to Smith's numerous times in the 2 weeks it had been open before the accident, without incident, He would have never put himself or our son in danger, and it was a cold but clear day when they left around 3.  He never drove his wheelchair at night,,  as it had only reflectors and no lights, he liked his new found freedom and was far from stupid when he used it.

The other causes were out of our control.  The storm that quickly rolled in was nothing more than the Lord doing what needed to be done to set the stage.  That is how I have to look at it, and how I will continue to do so.

The driver,  he is the only one to blame for his actions.  He chose to drink so early in the day.  He chose to get behind the wheel of his car instead of calling his wife or a friend to come pick him up.  HE made those decisions.

 Was he the sole cause of the accident,, no, there are many factors that all played into this happening.  I truly see the Lord's hand at work here.  I know most of you will argue with me that the driver is to blame,  that is was NOT that dark.. AGAIN, I drove in it, I vividly remember every thought I had on the way home that particular evening.  I couldn't reach Todd or Levi on either of their cells,, do NOT even give me crap about how Levi was only 11 and didn't need a cell phone, we all know he was spoiled, and if given the opportunity to do it again, I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING!,  Back to my thoughts that evening, I couldn't reach either of them, I remember thinking "man it is freaking dark,, I hope they are home!", 'maybe they are playing games, maybe todd is sleeping, I have to get home quickly,,, can't go too fast, the roads are slick, they don't need a phone call from the police this close to Christmas *ironic isn't it*"  So JUST DON'T argue with me about how dark it was,, I will get frustrated and end up in jail.  And I have NO MONEY for bail!! so JUST DON'T!

About 3 weeks ago, I hit a wall,,, I was angry, so angry.  I wanted to hate.  I didn't want a priesthood blessing, what good had they done?  I didn't want to attend the temple, or go to church (the driver is in my neighborhood and in my ward, and was inactive until this happened), I wanted to, and don't judge me,, get drunk, get laid and not care about the repercussions.  Nothing mattered to me anymore.  Kenz had her life, Jake would survive, and I only hear from 2 of my step kids and they have their own lives.   I sat in my Bishop's office and sobbed.  *apparently I did care,, sigh*  I told him how I was feeling, then for some reason, I asked him what he thought was going through our Savior's mind while He was in Gethsemane, and walking up that hill with His cross on His back.. Did He remember all the pain He would endure, that He had agreed to endure for each of us?  Did He ever say,,, 'I didn't agree to this,, I want a new plan!!', Did His Father weep as He watched His children nail His Only Begotten to the Cross, did His heart physically ache?  Did He want to reach down and slap sense into every one of the participants?  Was He angry,, did He want to change the plan so Christ didn't have to suffer so much?

My Bishop pointed out to me that as our loving Savior hung on the cross He said "Father remove this cup from me, but if Thou wilt, I'll drink it up,, Thy will be done"  And after He had felt every single emotion that each and every one of us would experience in our earthly lives, He uttered "it is done" and His spirit left His mortal body.  *So I am not going to Hell for feeling like I wanted to do the things mentioned above, I have been reassured by my Bishop YAY!, maybe other reasons, but not these ones! haha*

I decided to open my scriptures and look up atonement, people kept saying 'let the atonement work for you, that is what it is there for' and see what scriptures mentioned that, the first scripture I read was in the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon.  Chapter 42, verse 29.. "and now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down to repentance"  WHAT?? I need to let this go?  I need to worry only about myself???  I need to trust my Heavenly Father?  SIIIIIIIIIGH  ok,  If this is what I need to do then this is what I need to do.  I hit my knees and prayed so hard.  Prayed that I would be able to forgive and move on, to not be angry, to trust that my Father has got this, and HE will serve the justice that needs to be served, and I am NOT to judge.  I suddenly felt peace I hadn't felt in months, since the accident and the weeks that followed actually.

 I could finally sleep and feel rested, only about 4 or 5 hours, but I slept.  I could move forward, and not feel guilty for having fun bowling, or be so very grateful for all the wonderfully supportive friends I have made because of this accident, friends that care about not only me but Kenz and Jake too, friends that have become my protectors, my confidants, my shoulder to cry on.  None of them would I know if it weren't for this accident,, yet another tendermercy from a loving Father in Heaven.  Kenzie and I are getting closer.  We, I, tend to think before speaking.  Until Jake gets home, we only have each other.  I am so grateful for her and her strength she gives to me when I am having a bad day and I only hope I give her half of what she gives me when she is the one struggling.

We are moving forward, slowly, and some days are way harder than others, but we are moving forward, making new memories, rebuilding our lives, watching what we say to others who are suffering a loss, or a tragedy, *I'm sorry is so over used fyi, I prefer a hug and an I love you*.  We love harder, hug longer, text more, travel through memories more often, and eagerly anticipate our missionary coming home to join us in all of this!  I still cry, just not as often.  When I close my eyes, sleep tends to come just a little quicker.  The constant sea of nausea has subsided to a babbling brook.  I find solace in my priesthood blessings, my scriptures, my family and my faith.  Without faith what do we have,,, nothing.  Faith will get us all through this life.  It is what got our Savior through His earthly trials, it WILL get us through ours. 

What really matters....

It is hard to sit here and watch the world continue on like nothing monumental has changed.  Like nothing is different.  I am still trying to figure out this whole new reality, and everyone is still plugging along through life.  I watch my friends on Facebook and in real life, complain about the things I used to complain about, husband's not helping, being grumpy, being cheap,, admit it y'all are sometimes,, about the kids fighting, being whinny, not doing their chores, blah, blah,blah,,,, I get it, I really do, hell, 6 months ago, I was right there with y'all, living my mundane life, my monotonous boring life.

It is hard, when we are faced with life's daily struggles, to keep in mind what really matters.  Kids certainly don't think about how earthly things will affect their celestial well being, and we as grown ups are too caught up in the bills, mortgage and car payments that are due, to keep what is really important in the forefront of our minds.  People put too much pressure on themselves to have the cleanest house, the most organized house, when in all actuality, the dishes and laundry can wait.  The toys can stay on the floor until the kids are in bed, to be honest they can stay there until tomorrow morning when your littles will play with them again!  Calm down, I am not talking an episode of HOARDERS, here, with piles of trash and crap everywhere, with only trails and paths open for guests and family members to get from room to room.

When I had Levi I was 30 years old, almost.  I was exhausted from my two oldest and all the rules and such I made them follow.  Now, and my mum will attest to this, I have never been a clean freak, I don't care if there is clutter,, to a degree. But my kids ate what was put in front of them without complaining or went hungry.  I didn't cook for them.  By the time I had Levi, I grew out of that.   He taught me a lot.  I caught myself often thinking to myself, before launching an all out yelling match over dinner, 'what does it matter if he eats a pb sandwich or the roast and potatoes I cooked?'.  It bothered a lot of people, my older kids included.   People made comments on it, they thought I was too soft on that boy.  And I probably was.  If I could go back in time, I would have been softer on my older kids.

He got away with a lot of things the older kids didn't.  Mainly because that is all he was around, was teenagers,,, older kids,, there were none other his age in our home.  That boy didn't argue with his friends, he got along with you whether you were 20 or 2.  He just made it work.

 He knew what mattered.. He taught me what matters....

It matters that you love one another,  that you are kind, that you are generous with your gifts and talents, that you listen, and hear what is being said to you, that you care, that you do your very best, that you stick up for those being picked on and excluded, that you speak out for what you believe in, even when your parents don't believe the same thing, (think processed foods,, levi believed in processed foods!)  spending time with your family,, playing games, watching movies, hanging out.  These are the things that matter.  These are the things that affect your celestial well being, your eternal happiness.  Nothing else matters.

I would give absolutely anything to have that boring life back.  To walk in the front door and hear Todd telling Levi to stop whining,  to hear Levi complain about how unfair we, as parents, are being. I would give anything to want to turn around and not go in for those reasons, instead of not wanting to walk in to emptiness.

Unfortunately, life has a way of getting away from us, and society has an innate ability to stick it's nose where it doesn't belong and dictate how we are supposed to live, and we don't realize the opportunities we have missed out on until it is too late.  I get that we get frustrated, that we need a venting post,, although we have lived for years without using social media as one.  It used to be venting involved the husband going out to chop firewood in his anger, the wife hastily hanging laundry or thrusting dishes into the dishwasher or cupboards in their aggravation, kids doing whatever it is they do in their anger,, haha.  Now we turn to social media and make flippant comments about how frustrated we are with this or that.... and of course, we being the incredible friends that we are, are quick to jump in and take sides.  and empower those feelings.

I challenge you, before you post on Facebook about the laundry piling up, or how he left the toilet seat up again, and you fell in because you didn't look before sitting, or the kids left mud tracks on the floor,,, I challenge you to think, and be honest,, how much does it really matter?, How does your reaction to these actions affect your happiness,, affect their happiness,,,,, would you really have it any other way??

I would.

I would love nothing more then to stand at the top of the stairs leading to our basement and hear my son cutting up boxes and talking to himself about how awesome this bat cave is going to be, and how excited he is to share it with his oldest brother.   I would love to hear that annoying beep of my sweethearts dialysis machine as he rolls over onto his tube, to hear him groan as that machine drains all that poison out of his abdomen.

I am far from perfect, so please don't think that is what I am saying, I am meerly suggesting we seriously think, before we complain.  Think,, would I really want it any other way???

Because,, honestly,,,

I would.

Grab Kleenex.

Don't say I didn't warn you:

http://youtu.be/FWV0jpndYbY

There are no coincidences.  

Lucky 13

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary. I never in a million years dreamt I would spend it without my hubbster.  I braced myself for a hard day,, after all memorial day sucked all around, and so did the day after,, why wouldn't today right?

Well  I woke up and didn't even realize what today was until I was out of the shower and getting ready for work. And I smiled when it hit me.  He is stuck with me for all eternity, and I love that.  I love that I get him forever!  I love that I chose him and he chose me, not once but TWICE!!

I went to work and smiled and laughed at work,,even bought myself a present from todd, haha,  and didn't have any sad thoughts until I came back from lunch and heard a song playing on the PA system.  I quickly got busy and tuned it out,, I am a mom of course, and I have that ability, to tune out the troublesome and unwanted haha.   After work I headed to massage envy for a 90 minute massage,  OH EMMM GEEE Heaven!  seriously heaven.  I loved it, fell asleep a couple times on the massage therapist.  Now if I could just get someone to come massage me to sleep every night I'd sleep great!  I came home to flowers from a very close friend of mine in Canada, and Rich and his boys were waiting, for us to go to Texas Roadhouse, Todd's favorite restaurant.  Rich had texted a bunch of our friends to meet us there, and we had so much fun, there were a couple of our close friends that couldn't make it, and they were missed.  Can I just say I seriously have the best friends out there!   seriously I laughed and laughed so hard tonight.  

We ate, we laughed, we joked around.  I love that I can be me around them.  I love that they love me and accept me for who I am, and they expect nothing more from me than what I can give.   I am allowed to be sad, to cry, to bawl, to laugh, to joke around, to be me.  People were afraid to wish me a happy anniversary today, I wish y'all weren't afraid to say it, but my usual suspects said it,...  and meant it.

Now I am sitting at home, going over the events of today, shocked I haven't been an emotional mess, missing my sweetheart, yet knowing he has been with me all day long, loving me as only he can.  No man has loved a woman more.  I regret nothing of saying yes to him 13 years ago when he asked me to be his wife.  There are things I would change, sure, who doesn't have things they would change from their past, but I wouldn't change saying yes to loving him forever.  Twice!

Thank you to all of you, for your love, your continuous support, the kind words and thought.  I love each of you so very much.  Now I am going to go upstairs and do what I have done every year for the past 12 years,,, crawl into bed, roll over and go to sleep!

Happy 13th Anniversary baby!! I love you to the moon and back and forever.

A wedding, Mother's Day, 5 months, and our anniversary

Yep!!   that is all happening this month!

First,  Todd's daughter Ashalee was married on May 9th.  In the St George temple.  I really struggled with going.  Not because I didn't want to go, I love this girl that calls me Mum, but because I didn't want to go to the temple alone.  This was not part of OUR plan...  we were supposed to do these things together.  I wasn't supposed to enter the temple alone,, HE PROMISED ME I wouldn't have to.  *sigh,, LIAR!*  (don't go on about how I wasn't alone, and he was with me,, blah blah blah,, I know all that and I believe it, BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME, no matter how you say it, so please,, just don't)
The day was full of tender mercies,  ones I didn't realize he had a hand in until I was able to look back on the day... first, our Bishop from Henderson, who is so much more than just our bishop, and his wife, my close friend, came up for the wedding,,, he willingly gave me a blessing to help me get through the day 'alone'.  TM 2 = as we are walking into the temple, I see my dear friend Jacquie, who is a pillar of strength and my role model, I hugged her so tight, I didn't want to let go,, ok I never want to let go but still,,, I just wanted to soak up her awesomeness!!
As I got up to the doors of that beautiful building, my anxiety built and hit a new peak.  I did not want  to walk through those doors alone.  I wanted nothing more than to feel Todd's hand holding mine, his thumb lightly stroking the top of my hand, *que tear fest #1928348,98390201* I am sure the Brethren at the desk were wondering what is wrong with this gorgeous, awesomely spiritual young lady who just walked in,, *just go with it!*
#3, I saw Ashalee as I walked in, and she got so excited and just hugged me!  Filled my heart with happiness.  She gave me the biggest hug and told me she loved me.
#4, As I am heading to the changing room, I see yet another awesome lady from our ward in St George, Jenny, and again, I hold on for dear life, as she whispers in my ear,, "you know he's here and I love you right?"
#5, all my female inlaws are in the changing room, waiting for me, or at least that is how it looked to me.
I was surrounded and greeted by awesomeness and support all day!!  He was right there, not how I wanted him there with me, but there nonetheless

Mother's day....  It was the first time in 19 years I have not had a child in primary singing the primary's musical number to me, and it would've been his last year.  I missed waking up to his arms wrapped around me as he snuggled in for a cuddle and to wish me a happy mother's day.  I missed hearing him and his dad making me breakfast,,, or if Dad wouldn't get up, he would've come up with something fairly edible on his own.
Tender Mercies:
I heard another voice whisper "Dad, are we going to make her breakfast now?" as I slept on the couch.  I kept my eyes closed and just listened, to the interaction between father and son, who were both, also, feeling an ever present void on this day.  They made waffles.  As I went to the table youngest boy pulled out my chair for me to sit,  and brought me a plate,, making sure I had everything I needed to enjoy this feast!
I wouldn't have been able to experience this if both of our spouses had lived.  We wouldn't be the friends we are.  I wouldn't have a 'brother' so close that I would do anything for, and two boys that I love with all my heart, and just know when I need them close by!, that greet me with smiles when I come home from work,, that look sad when I told them in days past, that I wouldn't be home until late from work...   Tender mercies!

I got to chat with my missionary too!! 90 minutes! And I loved every single minute of it!!!   He is so good.  I let him and his sister  talk for a bit with my computer muted,, so I couldn't hear what they were saying... and glanced at the screen every now and then, to see them being the awesome friends they are!  I can't wait to have him home again!!!

Wednesday marks 5 months.  How have I done this for 5 freaking months?  Most of it is a blur,, the parts I do remember are the happy parts, mostly.  I look back and think of all I would have missed out on, if the accident didn't happen.  I wouldn't have this incredible support system, the Usual Suspects! haha, a small group of us, all at different stages in life, dealing with the trials we each agreed to in the preexistence, none of which are the same, but all share similarities,  we talk every day, we lift each other up, we let each other cry, we laugh, we roll our eyes, we vent, we feel.  And I love all of them, and could not imagine my life without them,, odd considering I didn't know any of them 5 months ago,, and three of them are in my ward.  Tender mercies!!

My ward family, they keep my head above water.  I have never felt so protected in my entire life.  it is truly an amazing feeling, to know I can call on any one of these people at any time and they all have my back!!!

Our 13th anniversary is on the 27th.  Not sure how I will handle that.  With a smile I am guessing.

Families ARE Forever.  That is all I know.  And I am eternally grateful for that knowledge.

*I'd write more, but alas, work is calling! haha*

Love love love...