Realizing you dont have control over everything...

*I have thought long and hard, about blogging about this, and have started and erased it so many times I have lost count*

I have really had a hard time these last few months, with letting go of things I can't control.  Mainly, letting go of the fact that the DA is not charging the driver with vehicular homicide, and has turned the case over to the city for a DUI charge.  When I was told this, I was so very angry.  I actually felt bad for the officer that came into my home to tell me what the DA's findings where.

I called the DA and had a lengthy discussion with her as to why charges were not being filed for the death of my husband and son.  Turns out UTAH law states that the driver has to be the main reason the accident happened, and because it was dark, stormy, and no shoulder on the road, *read Todd and Levi were on the edge of the driver's lane, never mind that pedestrians always have the right of way*, the driver's negligence is not the main reason why the accident happened. *I am paraphrasing here, but you get the point,, and don't bother telling me how ridiculous this is,, I am very aware!* So he is being charged with a DUI.

In 2007 there was an accident where a teenage driver, 17 I believe he was, who was drunk, hit a car with 5 people in it, killing 4 of them,, the wife of the hit vehicle was expecting, both her and the unborn baby were killed along with two of her children.  The man, the father, the husband who's entire world changed in a split second, made the decision to forgive the driver, before the paramedics even got to him.  There is a movie coming out called "Just Let Go" and it is this man's story, of forgiving and letting go of the past. THIS IS A MOVIE I WILL BE GOING TO! I am hoping this will help me let go of the anger that has dwelt in my heart way too long... I really go back and forth between anger and pity for the driver in my story,,,   As I watch the trailers for it, I am brought back to the night my life completely changed.  I remember asking the Lieutenant who was with me, about the driver, how he was doing.  I remember telling my Bishop that he had to let the driver know I don't blame him, that this was a complete act of God.  I remember feeling complete peace with this decision.

A few months ago,, the anger hit...  I wanted him persecuted. I wanted him "hung".  I wanted him to feel the pain I feel every single day...

So what changed?  I found out he had be drinking.  I found out what his BAL was.  And I was suddenly sick to my stomach.  Should any of that mattered?  It didn't for the man I mentioned above.. And as I watch the trailers, I am reminded of various quotes,

•  Who among us is without sin?, Let him cast the first stone
• Don't judge me because my sins are different from yours

just to name a few.   One thing that Chris Williams does say in this clip is that you need to be honest with yourself as to what you can control.

here's the clip

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/16/forgiveness_n_1886057.html

I can't control the driver.  I can't control what he did that night, any more than I can control what he is going to do tomorrow, what the judge is going to do, or what you are going to do.

I have to let the Lord have this. I need to focus on healing my family.  On going forward.  I need to focus my energy on what I can control, which is actually not a lot,, and I have a lot of energy.

So as I strive to get that peaceful feeling back, that I had the night our world completely changed, I need to remember to Just Let Go, let go of the hatred, the blackness that seems to be working hard on keeping residence in my heart. I will go to the court house, when the driver has to appear.  I will say nothing, I will pray for peace as the Judge does what he feels is fair.  And I will move forward, with my family.

 I am falling to my knees more, cracking open my scriptures and searching for verses on forgiveness and letting go, reading conference talks in the Ensign, and above all, I am very much aware of two angels, who are with me, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY., they help me get out of bed, they help me keep going forward, and I simply can not let them down.  So as much anger you feel on my behave, on my kids behave, on my family's behave, please... don't.   Pray for peace and faith in our hearts.  Because in the end, all I want is to be able to have those two angels, my family, and my Savior pleased with how I got through this trial. And maybe, just maybe forgiveness can help me heal... help my family heal.

*I really wish all my thoughts would gather at once and in order, I feel like I am completely rambling and I can't seem to form a coherent thought to save my life,... bad pun!*

Love
is all that matters in the end.  To give it and to feel it in your own life.  That is what I can control.

The fog is lifting...

It's not completely gone,, but I can see the light,, and it's guiding the path I need to be on.

My sweet baby girl and I went on a 12 hour drive to visit my parental units in Alberta, Canada, for one week.

Those that know her and I, know that we are ALOT alike,, like scary alot!, We are both outspoken, yes I taught her that, stubborn, she gets that from her dad,, I am far from stubborn, and we can both be VERY VERY LOUD!  And I wouldn't change a thing... except for the fact that we butt heads,,, alot.  ALL THE TIME.  She was my rock when I went through my divorce 21 years ago,, that's a lot of pressure to put on a 1 year old.  She made me smile, I loved seeing the world through her eyes, and the things she taught me, I can never repay her for.  Then she hit the teen years, and tried to spread her wings, but I clipped those puppy's rather quickly.  Looking back now, there are things I did, that I would do differently, *don't we all feel that way?*, however, she always got straight A's, her own personal challenge, not mine, and she graduated early from high school with advanced honors.  She moved out when she was 17 and graduated from high school, and that is when we really started butting heads, *as I remember it, she may remember it differently, kids usually do!* We argued over things that didn't matter, but we both are stubborn, and what young adult doesn't think their parents know nothing.  Todd was our buffer.  We would yell and scream at each other, and she would go to her dad, vent, and he would come to me, and help me see where I was wrong,, I wasn't always, but when I was HE was the one who showed me,, and when I wasn't, he was the one that would make me see what mattered more, who was right, or who was loved.... if that makes sense.  (I remember one time her and I were yelling at each other, I can't remember what about,, but she called her dad and said "DAD, you need to get home and control your wife, she's nuts!,, he chuckled when he told me, then promptly told me to calm down,, haha)  Make no mistake, I love this lady more than words can say,, I just raised her to be a strong independent woman, although I should've been more specific as to who to be strong around,, ;-)

So you can see the apprehension we both had at the thought of being alone together, in a car, for 12 hours, then with my parental units for 7 days, then back in the car, assuming we hadn't killed each other first, for another 12 hours.  We had a prayer before we got into the car and began our journey, and we were off!!!!...

Can I tell you I have not laughed so hard in such a long time?  Just when I didn't think I could love this girl any more than I already do.  We laughed the entire 101/2 hours up to my parents house. Yea, we made excellent time!!!!  It didn't feel like we had been in the car that long at all. We joked with each other, we talked, we laughed, I think we even cried once together.  We let our love for each other come out uninhibited, we let it flow freely for each other., we didn't judge, we didn't criticize, we simply loved each other.  We both got to do what we wanted up there without the other one getting upset, as has happened in the past.  We visited with my parents, our friends, visited with memories from us being there as a family.  I think, I HOPE,  for the first time in a very long time, I let my little girl be just that, a little girl *only she's not any more*, I  let her lean on me, I hope I showed her how much she is loved.  There are no words to describe how I feel towards her...

We got home on Sunday night, and she continued onto her home.  I cried.  I cried as she drove away, my heart wanted to jump out of my body and grab her and hug her one more time and not let her go.  I cried as I walked into the house, which I totally expected, but I realized I was crying for reasons I wasn't expecting... I expected to be sad and lonely and cry for those reasons, and as I crawled into bed that night, after saying my prayers, I realized I had shed tears because of how free I felt, how at peace I felt, how incredibly loved I felt by my own child that I was scared I had pushed away through my own grief.

I'm not sure why it happened,but I feel like the fog has lifted. Someone pointed this out to me today at work, there's a sparkle in my eyes,  I feel better, I look better, rested, like I can take on the world,, *Please dear Lord, do NOT see that as a challenge for this meek and humbled servant!*,   And there is guilt over not being in bed, and being the blubbering mourning widow everyone thinks I need to be...

I am allowed to be happy, I am allowed to move on, I am allowed to mourn, I am allowed to love one man while falling in love with another, *For the love of ME DO NOT read too much into that there is no man I am falling in love with at the time of this blog post!!!!* I am allowed to be a widow, I am allowed to laugh, to cry, to not have my every waking thought be of what is waiting for me on the other side of the veil.  I am allowed to go an entire day without tears, *rarely happens but still,, I am allowed*, I am allowed to live and be loved.

What I battle with now, is the guilt, the guilt of not being sad daily, of not crying, of loving the hope that I feel in my heart,,,

There are still going to be hard days ahead, days where I dont want to face the world, or my reality!, But I will.... I will because I know.  I KNOW what matters.

Love.....

Cousins! Family is what matters!  these two beauties drove 12 hours, to spend a few hours with their older beautiful cousin!  

me and my sweet cousin Susan, I love her!

playin with mum's phone yo!

On our way!

My girlfriend from 40+ years ago! Lisa Ursenbach!  Can't wait to see you in September!

 this lady and I have been through so freaking much together and I thank God every day she is still in my life!!!  Kristi Parker

I didn't take nearly enough pictures,,, Ranae Hatch, you are on my radar for next time, and Mum and Dad, I will get you this week!!!  *for some reason, I struggle with taking pictures now, not sure why,,,, I guess I hope if I don't capture the memory I will be able to make new ones with the same people???"

Heading home,...

It's that time of year again, has been for awhile, where we pack up clothes and whatever electronic devises we CANNOT live without and head out for a much needed holiday.  

Our oldest, Kenzie and I are headed up to Canada for a few days of much needed R&R. 

 Usually, no not usually, In The Past, when there is something big like this happening, I am ubber excited and call my parental units daily to count down how many more sleeps..  This time,, it is forced.  Don't get me wrong, I am excited to go have my Mum look after me for a week,.. I am excited to be able to hug my Dad, see friends I haven't seen in months... I am not excited to have people ask me what happened.  To travel so far without my eternal sidekick, to be there without my baby boy who made me laugh so freaking hard and drove my parents nuts with how much I spoiled him. *admitting it is half the problem and I'd do it all again if I could*

Last time I was up there was just after the funerals, and everywhere I went there were reminders that slapped me in the face that I was alone.  I can handle the expected reminders,, the walking into my house, the getting into my car, the waking up, the going to sleep...  I expect and can prep myself emotionally for those...  the last couple days however, all I seem to focus on is the egg nog I had to put back on the shelf in January because the thought of drinking it alone, without my pickiest eater drinking it with me and feeling like he was heaven, was too much.  I did not expect that.  

I am content to sit at home, where nothing unexpected can slap me in the face, where I am safe from outside triggers.  I get that you can't understand it unless you have gone through it,, I get it. As hard as I try to move forward, I truly feel safest in doors.  

I have family that is ready to make new memories to honor their dad & brother, son & grandson, Brother & nephew,,Uncle & cousin,,  I am scared to death of taking that first step.  I tried, I immersed myself in fun singles activities for the last 4-5 months, bowling, movie nights,, dinners,,, and something suddenly hit me,, and it hit hard.  The grief I was working so hard at avoiding slapped me down, and it hit hard! 

 I miss them,, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY,, EVERY SINGLE HOUR,, EVERY, SINGLE, SECOND.  I troll facebook and see all our friends getting their boys ready for their first scout camp and it brings tears to my eyes,,, Levi was so excited to go to camp.  He loved Scouts and made it his goal to get his Eagle Award before he turned 16... well done son... you did it!  Summer Spence,,, I miss our BOY!!!!

Maybe, just maybe I can get through this trip with my sweet girl by my side. Maybe my anxiety of  driving through mountains and past huge drops with subside, or the anxiety of saying the wrong thing with the wrong intonation will go away, that is what I am praying for... that we won't kill each other as we are together in the car for 12 hours... that we will love and support each other as we have over the last 6 months,, *I know it's been 7,, the 1st one doesn't count*, I truly can not wait to laugh with her, to joke, to reminisce, to make new memories.  It scares the crap out of me, but I can't wait to do it... I hope she will hold my hand as we go out and I face these triggers, whatever they may be... and let me know it will be ok.  There is one else I would rather take this trip with then her, she was the very first person to steal my heart, and she still holds it in her hand! So be gentle my dear,,, it's kinda tattered.  <3. 

I feel like I am rambling at this point, so if you're still with me, you truly do love me!! Thanks!

Right now,, Christmas is on my mind,, 24 more fridays until Christmas, and I could care less...  I worry, I worry about saying something or not saying the right thing and upsetting one of my kids, I am already having anxiety attacks over putting up the tree, buying presents, hell let's be honest, I am worried about waking up Christmas morning...  In the Past, I would be all over it, shopping, getting excited, bugging Todd to let me put the tree up in October,, it became a tradition of our to banter about whether or not the tree was going up that early.. I should've just left it up last year dang it,,, Levi decorated it.. should've let it be.  

I am trying.... and that is the best I can offer all of you right now.  I want nothing more than to be able to wake up and be happy, to be able to fall asleep knowing that every one in my family is sleeping and dreaming happy dreams, to be able to walk out the door and know that everything will be the same as when I left.... because if I hadn't left the house that day,, every thing SHOULD have been the same,,, but I did, and I came back to something completely different, something I didn't ask for, but I agreed to.  So please bear with me,, have patience and try to understand that if I say no to coming to visit you it does NOT mean I don't want you to come visit me.  It just means that I need my parental bubble, and you are more than welcome to come see us.  

Please, I know you are sorry, please just don't tell me you are sorry,,, don't ask me how I am holding up,, tell me you love me and give me a hug and lets talk about your family, or memories of when we lived there... it's not that I don't want to talk about it, I do,, I love talking about the love of my life and the baby I never thought I would be blessed to have... or how much our kids have grown and how gorgeous our daughters are,, ask about my missionary,,, he's awesome too!!!  And for the love of Peter, DO NOT ask how I am doing this, because I do not know!! (sorry if this sounds harsh, I never did have a filter! lol)

Life is too short to not smile...

Believe it or not, most days are great!

Most days I am able to get up and put on my happy pants, and my killer heels, which lets face it, A great day can totally flip if you're wearing the wrong shoes!,

You know I'm right! I would say about 90% of my days are good.  About 60% of my days start out good and end with tears still falling, and that's ok!  They are getting fewer and further between.   Some of the things that make me smile...

1. starting my day with prayer, always without fail puts a smile on my face.  I know when I put on my 'armour' I can and will conquer every hill put in my path.

2. scripture reading, and I am not talking just the Book of Mormon, I am talking all inspirational uplifting reading..

3. random love videos on Facebook,, like  this one... There are good people out there,,  https://www.facebook.com/Britentj  the video is on my timeline

4. random umprompted messages from people I hold near and dear to my heart,,,, like this one:

This young lady has called me Auntie for over 15 years.  I am not her blood aunt, and she knows it,, but she also knows how very much I love her and her 5 sisters, and  upteen add on siblings!  *I hate the word step-*

I love you auntie! Just wanted to tell you.

5. Do I need a 5? Texts from my kidlets telling me they love me.

That is the start of my list,, I just wanted to let you know that it truly is the little things that matter most. Who cares if you've seen a million caterpillars,, this one is the one the person who looks to you as her hero wants to show you, SO GO LOOK AT IT!

Clothes wash, jump in the puddles,, mud comes off, roll around in it... teach them that it's ok to have fun, it's ok to be a kid, and even their heros can be kid like and have fun, and get dirty!!!

JUST DO IT! Don't put them off. Put down your phone, let them know they matter, whether they are 1, 2, 4, 16, or 43... let that person who is taking time out of their day to talk to you know they matter more than facebook, instagram, and whatever the heck else is out there. Please, I beg you, don't put it off, you could be the difference between someone smiling or crying......

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT SPLASH IN THE TUB!

So thank you to my sweet niece who took the time out of her crazy, hectic, wrangling three kids under 4, *I think* to type 8 little words to me.

Thank you to the sweet girl who shared that video with her mother in law that I am friends with, therefore I could see it and have it brighten my day!

Thank you.... for being my difference!!!

It will never pass

I know people mean well, there are just certain things one gets so tired of hearing,,,

"hang in there, it'll get easier,, you are so strong, I don't know how you do it, this shall pass," there are others, I think I have just blocked them out for ease of survival.

Here are my responses to each of these:

I can do nothing BUT hang in there, and FYI, that thread I am hanging onto could snap at any given time.

No it won't get easier! EVER!  the pain may subside a little, I hear the tears eventually stop, but there will always be triggers, and days where I just want to cry.  So if that is what you mean by "it'll get easier" then ok I guess it will

I am not strong.  I feel like the most vulnerable creature on this planet, my emotions are at an all time peak, and I cry at absolutely anything.  I upset a very close friend recently, unintentionally, and every time I think about it I start crying.  The absolute last thing I want to do is hurt any of my friends, or give them reason to be angry with me.  So I am not strong,, I am just a weak human being, trying to figure this all out.

How do I do it?  I have no clue. I wake up, I get up, and like a robot I do what needs to be done, so I can fall exhausted into bed and pray sleep will come,, beautiful dreamless sleep!. That is how I do it. I am living groundhog day over and over and every time I try to mix it up a little I get myself in trouble.  So I am just going to keep living groundhog day if that's ok with everyone.

This will NEVER pass.  I will carry this with me every single day until I get to be in my husband's arms and hear his sweet voice again.  Even if I do find someone to share this life with, I will always ache for him and my son.

I worry daily.  About my kids, about my missionary coming home to just me.  About being a burden to anyone, whining too much, crying too much, not being happy enough, not being good enough, not being all those things y'all tell me I am on a daily basis.

No one wants the tears to stop more than I do.  No one wants to turn back the clock more than I do.  I miss them,, I miss every single thing, every single day!

please just know I am trying, I am doing the best I absolutely can at this point.  There is absolutely nothing normal about my life, then again when have I ever been normal??

Thank you to all of you for your patience and love, and patience, and love, and....


*sigh* I miss the old me. And I am trying to figure out this new one...

Band aids don't fix bullet holes...

But forgiveness heals like none other.

My family's life was completely torn to shreds 6 1/2 months ago, because my husband decided he wanted to take our son Christmas shopping, because the city of West Jordan decided in it's infinite wisdom, that although there are shoulders on our freeways, and corridor roads, a residential area can have approximately 108 feet of road with NO SHOULDER, and that is perfectly acceptable, because mother nature decided it was the perfect day for an odd ball storm, it was ridiculously dark at 5 pm, argue with me all you want, I drove in it, and I vividly remember thinking how strange it was that it was so dark so early, the snow and sleet were falling fast and hard, the roads were super slick,,,,  and because someone decided it was perfectly ok and legal to get behind the wheel of his car, after drinking enough alcohol to put his BAL at a .13, .08 is the legal limit, and drive home at 5 in the afternoon with an open bottle in his car, doing 10 over the speed limit.  

All of these are decisions someone else made.

Oddly enough Todd had gone to Smith's numerous times in the 2 weeks it had been open before the accident, without incident, He would have never put himself or our son in danger, and it was a cold but clear day when they left around 3.  He never drove his wheelchair at night,,  as it had only reflectors and no lights, he liked his new found freedom and was far from stupid when he used it.

The other causes were out of our control.  The storm that quickly rolled in was nothing more than the Lord doing what needed to be done to set the stage.  That is how I have to look at it, and how I will continue to do so.

The driver,  he is the only one to blame for his actions.  He chose to drink so early in the day.  He chose to get behind the wheel of his car instead of calling his wife or a friend to come pick him up.  HE made those decisions.

 Was he the sole cause of the accident,, no, there are many factors that all played into this happening.  I truly see the Lord's hand at work here.  I know most of you will argue with me that the driver is to blame,  that is was NOT that dark.. AGAIN, I drove in it, I vividly remember every thought I had on the way home that particular evening.  I couldn't reach Todd or Levi on either of their cells,, do NOT even give me crap about how Levi was only 11 and didn't need a cell phone, we all know he was spoiled, and if given the opportunity to do it again, I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING!,  Back to my thoughts that evening, I couldn't reach either of them, I remember thinking "man it is freaking dark,, I hope they are home!", 'maybe they are playing games, maybe todd is sleeping, I have to get home quickly,,, can't go too fast, the roads are slick, they don't need a phone call from the police this close to Christmas *ironic isn't it*"  So JUST DON'T argue with me about how dark it was,, I will get frustrated and end up in jail.  And I have NO MONEY for bail!! so JUST DON'T!

About 3 weeks ago, I hit a wall,,, I was angry, so angry.  I wanted to hate.  I didn't want a priesthood blessing, what good had they done?  I didn't want to attend the temple, or go to church (the driver is in my neighborhood and in my ward, and was inactive until this happened), I wanted to, and don't judge me,, get drunk, get laid and not care about the repercussions.  Nothing mattered to me anymore.  Kenz had her life, Jake would survive, and I only hear from 2 of my step kids and they have their own lives.   I sat in my Bishop's office and sobbed.  *apparently I did care,, sigh*  I told him how I was feeling, then for some reason, I asked him what he thought was going through our Savior's mind while He was in Gethsemane, and walking up that hill with His cross on His back.. Did He remember all the pain He would endure, that He had agreed to endure for each of us?  Did He ever say,,, 'I didn't agree to this,, I want a new plan!!', Did His Father weep as He watched His children nail His Only Begotten to the Cross, did His heart physically ache?  Did He want to reach down and slap sense into every one of the participants?  Was He angry,, did He want to change the plan so Christ didn't have to suffer so much?

My Bishop pointed out to me that as our loving Savior hung on the cross He said "Father remove this cup from me, but if Thou wilt, I'll drink it up,, Thy will be done"  And after He had felt every single emotion that each and every one of us would experience in our earthly lives, He uttered "it is done" and His spirit left His mortal body.  *So I am not going to Hell for feeling like I wanted to do the things mentioned above, I have been reassured by my Bishop YAY!, maybe other reasons, but not these ones! haha*

I decided to open my scriptures and look up atonement, people kept saying 'let the atonement work for you, that is what it is there for' and see what scriptures mentioned that, the first scripture I read was in the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon.  Chapter 42, verse 29.. "and now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down to repentance"  WHAT?? I need to let this go?  I need to worry only about myself???  I need to trust my Heavenly Father?  SIIIIIIIIIGH  ok,  If this is what I need to do then this is what I need to do.  I hit my knees and prayed so hard.  Prayed that I would be able to forgive and move on, to not be angry, to trust that my Father has got this, and HE will serve the justice that needs to be served, and I am NOT to judge.  I suddenly felt peace I hadn't felt in months, since the accident and the weeks that followed actually.

 I could finally sleep and feel rested, only about 4 or 5 hours, but I slept.  I could move forward, and not feel guilty for having fun bowling, or be so very grateful for all the wonderfully supportive friends I have made because of this accident, friends that care about not only me but Kenz and Jake too, friends that have become my protectors, my confidants, my shoulder to cry on.  None of them would I know if it weren't for this accident,, yet another tendermercy from a loving Father in Heaven.  Kenzie and I are getting closer.  We, I, tend to think before speaking.  Until Jake gets home, we only have each other.  I am so grateful for her and her strength she gives to me when I am having a bad day and I only hope I give her half of what she gives me when she is the one struggling.

We are moving forward, slowly, and some days are way harder than others, but we are moving forward, making new memories, rebuilding our lives, watching what we say to others who are suffering a loss, or a tragedy, *I'm sorry is so over used fyi, I prefer a hug and an I love you*.  We love harder, hug longer, text more, travel through memories more often, and eagerly anticipate our missionary coming home to join us in all of this!  I still cry, just not as often.  When I close my eyes, sleep tends to come just a little quicker.  The constant sea of nausea has subsided to a babbling brook.  I find solace in my priesthood blessings, my scriptures, my family and my faith.  Without faith what do we have,,, nothing.  Faith will get us all through this life.  It is what got our Savior through His earthly trials, it WILL get us through ours. 

What really matters....

It is hard to sit here and watch the world continue on like nothing monumental has changed.  Like nothing is different.  I am still trying to figure out this whole new reality, and everyone is still plugging along through life.  I watch my friends on Facebook and in real life, complain about the things I used to complain about, husband's not helping, being grumpy, being cheap,, admit it y'all are sometimes,, about the kids fighting, being whinny, not doing their chores, blah, blah,blah,,,, I get it, I really do, hell, 6 months ago, I was right there with y'all, living my mundane life, my monotonous boring life.

It is hard, when we are faced with life's daily struggles, to keep in mind what really matters.  Kids certainly don't think about how earthly things will affect their celestial well being, and we as grown ups are too caught up in the bills, mortgage and car payments that are due, to keep what is really important in the forefront of our minds.  People put too much pressure on themselves to have the cleanest house, the most organized house, when in all actuality, the dishes and laundry can wait.  The toys can stay on the floor until the kids are in bed, to be honest they can stay there until tomorrow morning when your littles will play with them again!  Calm down, I am not talking an episode of HOARDERS, here, with piles of trash and crap everywhere, with only trails and paths open for guests and family members to get from room to room.

When I had Levi I was 30 years old, almost.  I was exhausted from my two oldest and all the rules and such I made them follow.  Now, and my mum will attest to this, I have never been a clean freak, I don't care if there is clutter,, to a degree. But my kids ate what was put in front of them without complaining or went hungry.  I didn't cook for them.  By the time I had Levi, I grew out of that.   He taught me a lot.  I caught myself often thinking to myself, before launching an all out yelling match over dinner, 'what does it matter if he eats a pb sandwich or the roast and potatoes I cooked?'.  It bothered a lot of people, my older kids included.   People made comments on it, they thought I was too soft on that boy.  And I probably was.  If I could go back in time, I would have been softer on my older kids.

He got away with a lot of things the older kids didn't.  Mainly because that is all he was around, was teenagers,,, older kids,, there were none other his age in our home.  That boy didn't argue with his friends, he got along with you whether you were 20 or 2.  He just made it work.

 He knew what mattered.. He taught me what matters....

It matters that you love one another,  that you are kind, that you are generous with your gifts and talents, that you listen, and hear what is being said to you, that you care, that you do your very best, that you stick up for those being picked on and excluded, that you speak out for what you believe in, even when your parents don't believe the same thing, (think processed foods,, levi believed in processed foods!)  spending time with your family,, playing games, watching movies, hanging out.  These are the things that matter.  These are the things that affect your celestial well being, your eternal happiness.  Nothing else matters.

I would give absolutely anything to have that boring life back.  To walk in the front door and hear Todd telling Levi to stop whining,  to hear Levi complain about how unfair we, as parents, are being. I would give anything to want to turn around and not go in for those reasons, instead of not wanting to walk in to emptiness.

Unfortunately, life has a way of getting away from us, and society has an innate ability to stick it's nose where it doesn't belong and dictate how we are supposed to live, and we don't realize the opportunities we have missed out on until it is too late.  I get that we get frustrated, that we need a venting post,, although we have lived for years without using social media as one.  It used to be venting involved the husband going out to chop firewood in his anger, the wife hastily hanging laundry or thrusting dishes into the dishwasher or cupboards in their aggravation, kids doing whatever it is they do in their anger,, haha.  Now we turn to social media and make flippant comments about how frustrated we are with this or that.... and of course, we being the incredible friends that we are, are quick to jump in and take sides.  and empower those feelings.

I challenge you, before you post on Facebook about the laundry piling up, or how he left the toilet seat up again, and you fell in because you didn't look before sitting, or the kids left mud tracks on the floor,,, I challenge you to think, and be honest,, how much does it really matter?, How does your reaction to these actions affect your happiness,, affect their happiness,,,,, would you really have it any other way??

I would.

I would love nothing more then to stand at the top of the stairs leading to our basement and hear my son cutting up boxes and talking to himself about how awesome this bat cave is going to be, and how excited he is to share it with his oldest brother.   I would love to hear that annoying beep of my sweethearts dialysis machine as he rolls over onto his tube, to hear him groan as that machine drains all that poison out of his abdomen.

I am far from perfect, so please don't think that is what I am saying, I am meerly suggesting we seriously think, before we complain.  Think,, would I really want it any other way???

Because,, honestly,,,

I would.