He wasn't just a dog....

Saying goodbye is never easy.


This last week was hard for the Herridge family.  On Halloween they lost a family member to cancer,,, cancer sucks.  I can't believe in this day and age that we can carry a computer in our back pocket and have constant access to EVERYTHING, but we are still losing loved ones to cancer.  We went to the funeral on Saturday, the 5th.  I got to know an incredible woman that I never had the opportunity to meet.  Although I never met her, I felt the loss her family felt.

CANCER SUCKS... that is all.

 I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, especially when it comes to furbabies.  I have had to bury 3 dogs,, muffy,sephie,, and Bruce... heart wrenching.. the first two had strokes and had to be put to sleep, Bruce died of a broken heart when she lost her two boys.  Yea I bawled!

 Tom was given a puppy by his boys last year, for father's day, I believe,,, a cute little black lab.  Toby is his name... and he is the reason I was able to give Boston and Bentley to the Jacob family.  I miss them horribly, HOWEVER, whenever I needed a dog fix I would head on down to Tom's and be greeted by the most loveable, bouncy, excited puppy to ever grace the earth.  When I first met him he was a little leary of allowing me to be one of his People,, but within about three months, whenever Tom and I would pull up together, Toby would jump back and forth between us, trying to make sure we each knew he loved us.... he also had no qualms with letting me know Tom was his.,.. no if's, ands or buts.  He also had no qualms letting his Dad know, he would protect me,, one time Tom and I were bantering in the kitchen and things got loud,,, not angry loud, just loud, and Toby came and stood right in front of me and just looked at his Dad.., we busted up laughing so hard.

Whenever I was at his house and Tom was at work, Toby would follow me around, lay at my feet while I was cooking, or lay next to me on the couch while I was watching TV, the second he heard Tom pull in the driveway, he would jump up and onto the couch in the living room, barking and whining in greeting while glancing back at me, at times running up to me as if to say "HE'S HOME!! HE'S HOME!! OPEN THE DOOR!!" then he would spend about 5 minutes minimum jumping up on Tom, and trying desperately to pull him down to his level.

To give you an idea of how incredible this pup was,,, when I got the email about Utah Lion's Eye Bank, I went to Tom's to open the email and read it, I knew the tears would fall.  I was sitting at Tom's kitchen table.. sure enough the tears fell as I read the pamphlet,  I just sat there, letting them fall as I do, and the next thing I know Toby has his big paws up around my neck, and he is desperately licking the tears off my cheeks, he would hop down,, walk over to Tom, bump into him slightly, look up at Tom with his sad brown eyes, and come back to me.  That pup was so sad that I was sad,, almost to the point of distress... Tom and I looked at each other in shock, Toby had never before acted like that... mind you he lived in a testosterone filled home, so the opportunity to comfort is rare!!  HAHAHA

This dog was special,, he was a gentle giant.. he loved his people.

He was hit by a car on Friday, and died.

He was not "just a dog" he was part of their family,, he was part of my family...  the house is eerie quiet now,, we all miss the clicking of his toe nails on the hard wood floor,, every one of us miss hearing him paw desperately at the living room window when we pull up into the driveway..  We miss him laying at our feet as we work in the kitchen,, or draping himself over our necks on the couch,, bringing me a stick as I am leaving the house, so we can play fetch...

He is so much more than just a dog.  This fur-baby is forever in our hearts.  And he is missed daily.

I could only think of one thing and was a little apprehensive to tell Tom, because, well in all reality, this isn't my dog,, as much as I love him, he wasn't mine... and I in no way, wanted to "take away" from their loss... however, this brought the biggest smile to Tom's face when I softly said,,

"want to know what I am hoping and finding comfort in babe?...  that he is up there playing with Levi, Levi always wanted a big dog"

Tom looked at me, smiled, and said "That would be awesome!"

So Levi,, look after Toby,, Toby,, look after Levi, play fetch, kiss him right on the face,, jump on him,, Love him for me,, *and while you are at it,, irritate Todd,, as his allergies are no longer a problem!!!*, Take care of each other....  it's comforting to know

All Dogs Go To Heaven.

<3

Organ donation

It wasn't his heart. It wasn't his lungs, or liver, it wasn't a limb or skin, or some other life altering organ... but it was,, for one girl and her family it was very life altering.., And it was his eye.  I remember getting the phone call, someone on the other end,, offering condolences, asking if I had thought about organ donation, is it something I would be interested in... that's one job I would not want.... calling up a family member who had just lost someone they loved, and asking if they would let us cut them up and take out what was needed by another person.  Heart wrenching to say the least.

I never even thought twice about it. YES! YES YES YES YES YES!.. if it could help someone then please,, take what you need, was my response,  My heart physically hurt when I was told all they could take was Levi's cornea and parts of his heart.  Healthy, vibrant, young 11 yr old boy has died, and because he didn't die in a hospital all they could take was those little insignificant things.  Well they aren't so significant if you need them and yours don't work!!


In August of this year I got another call from the Utah Lions Eye Bank,, maybe it was an email, telling me they were redoing the pamphlet that they give to recipients and donors, and would I mind if they used our (my and Maddy's) story.  Absolutely!! Anything to keep part of him here,, alive.  So I sent her a picture that was taken just maybe a week before the accident.  One that captures all of that sweet, funny, dorky, lovable young man I was blessed to have call me Mum!!

The lady emailed me yesterday a copy of the new pamphlet they will be handing out to Donor families and recipient families.  I didn't open it until I got home, well to Tom's last night,,, I knew I would cry, and I knew I didn't want to be alone when I saw it for the first time.

I love it...

https://cdn.fbsbx.com/v/t59.2708-21/14736981_10154502735905638_4691851845000232960_n.pdf/Writing-to-Donor-f.pdf?oh=da2646d2b28f19feb72a5942e79ea1b8&oe=5815126E&dl=1

That's a bigger picture and you can read what they printed. Below is a screenshot of the pamphlet. 💜

Someone once told me,, 'Levi is gone, he isn't here, he isn't living in the recipient...'

All I can think is He is here still... part of his dna,, part of what I helped create, is helping a very sweet young lady have a most adventurous life, helping others, doing what she can to make the world a better place for all she comes in contact with... I know she has made my world just a little better by being true to herself and loving and remembering my son on a daily basis *her words,, not mine*  She and her family are now family to me, always will be.  We may not see each other much, at all, but we love each other, we watch from a distance how one another are doing, and we reach out when needed.

Thank you,, thank you to the Utah Lions Eye Bank for keeping Levi's memory going.. for the compassion and love you have shown to our family.  And thank you to my sweet girl Maddy, for reaching out to me to show love, and gratitude for something that could have just as easily been tossed in the garbage,, for allowing me to see that it has just as big of an impact on your life as a limb, a lung, a kidney.. *maybe not a heart because well that's a pretty intense organ ;-)*

Blessings from Heaven

Canadian Thanksgiving,,, the ORIGINAL THANKSGIVING!  yes it's true,, October was the original thanksgiving, for both USA and Canada, Until Abe Lincoln set it to the 4th Thursday of November during the civil war.  :-) So, since I married an american we have celebrated both every single year for the last 14 years!!  It has become an incredible tradition that we, as a family, love doing with our friends for Canadian and our Family for American thanksgiving! It also happens to fall relatively close to Todd's birthday so we have just always combined the two.

And we did it again this year! We do it on the Saturday before, so that Kenz, Jeff, Jake and Emily can come up and still get home at a decent time on Sunday.  It was a fantastic time with great food, even better friends and family around us all!!

Kenz came up Friday and we spent some much needed time together just her and I friday night,, ,then we took Willow, my cute grand puppy, over to Tom's so his dog Toby, and Willow could play together,, it was hilarious to watch these two dogs interact and play!  They are both relatively CLOSE to the same size, Willow is a walker coon hound, and Toby is a black lab,, so they could both play hard with each other!

Then Jake and Emily came up Saturday, and we ate with some of our friends that we call family, and visited, then Kenz headed home and Jake and Emily stayed until Sunday.

Sunday, we got the opportunity to go to my best friend's granddaughter's baby blessing!  Oh what a precious little girl!! I motioned to my niece (they have called me aunt for 14 years) that I wanted to hold this little girl, and she passed her down,, she started fussing and I am whispering to her,, "shhh shhh, shh, it's ok, where did you just come from,, who do you see?" and she stops crying and looks over my left shoulder...  looked at me and gave me the BIGGEST GRIN,, (remember when my inseparable sister had her baby and I asked her the same thing,, and she looked over my same shoulder and smiled????)  yep,, tears,, just started falling,, right as her Nana, my bf, looked over and heard and saw what was going on,, I looked at my bf and just smiled through the tears.  This precious little baby kept glancing over my shoulder, looking at me and smiling,, don't tell me the veil isn't thin.

Right as this is going on, the aaronic priesthood is getting ready to pass the sacrament, and I look up and see a young man, around the same age as Levi with the same stinkin' floppy hair. Oh my heart!!  Emily and Jake notice too, and we all did a double take.

Sacrament is over and it's testimony meeting,,, I struggle with the first sunday of every month, have for a while now,, but guess who got up to bear his testimony,, Levi's doppleganger!  I look up from my arms where Andi is sleeping, as soon as I hear his voice,.. this young man who looks so much like my baby boy starts bearing his testimony...

*I am paraphrasing here* "I am so honored to have the priesthood, it is an awesome responsibility, I love how it makes me feel, and that I can help those people that are struggling right now,  and I know it's my responsibility as a priesthood holder to help those that need it, it is all our responsibility, to make sure those that are having a hard time, that they know they are loved by us and our Heavenly Father, and to help them come back...." He said so much more but the jist of it was that he knew th awesome responsibility he had, and he was prepared to do the work he was asked to do.

YOU GUYS,, I heard Levi saying it,,, HONESTLY HEARD THAT YOUNG MAN TALKING IN LEVI'S VOICE,  saying that he was ready to do what he knew he has been asked to do... that he was more than ready for this awesome responsibility, that had been asked of him,, and he was with me all the time to let me know I am loved, and not alone,, even though I am struggling right now. Oh the tears that fell, my heart nearly burst out of my chest.

Then the bishop got up, right as the meeting was about to close... and talked about General conference, how his family had been giving 6 tickets to attend this incredible meeting our church has bi annually,, the only problem was, there are 7 in his family, so he sent his wife and their kids into the meeting and he stayed outside... and the thought came to him,, He has much work to do to make sure he isn't left behind.. because this is how it will be if he isn't worthy,, what if,,, what if in the next life, his wife and kids get to go to the Celestial Kingdom and he is told he has to go to a different kingdom, what if he hasn't done everything he can to ensure his eternal family is truly eternal and always together throughout the millennium??  WHAT IF.....?

Ok Todd, got it,, brick to my head.  The spirit was tangible, What are the odds that I am in this ward, on this day and these things are being said?  I wasn't going to go,, I find it easier to stay home on sunday's and rest than go to my ward. But this wasn't my ward... I went so I could show support to my bestie, and her family and their ward ended up helping me more than they will every know.

Let me just say this... Even though I am having a hard time right now, and struggling, *honestly who isn't?*  I know that this is the true gospel,, I know my Father in Heaven loves me, and cries with me every single time tears escape my eyes, I know that MY Savior wants to smack me,, enfold me in His arms and tell me He's got this,, He has cried every single tear, felt every single piece of my heart shatter into a billion pieces, felt every string of anger, hatred, doubt, love, and forgiveness in my soul, and He would take it from me again if He could.  I know I will see my husband and son again, I know my family is eternal, and I know I have a lot of work to do, to ensure that I am with them again!  THIS I KNOW, and no one, not even the devil himself can take that knowledge from me.

I know.

10-1-2016

What an absolutely amazingly busy weekend it has been!!  My baby girl got married to the man who loves her ALMOST more than anyone in the world!  (I love her quite a bit!!)

Mum and Dad got here the Saturday before the wedding and I got to spent some time with them one on two, before things got hairy!!  They headed down to St George on Thursday, and Tom and I followed on Friday.  We got there in time to help put a few finishing touches up and run through the rehersal a couple times.  Jeff's dad bought hawaiian food for the rehersal dinner and it was DELICIOUS!!  Seriously amazing food!  Then we went back to Mum and Dad's hotel and soaked in the hot tub with Dad, Dean, Mandy and their girls.  Such a crazy hectic day, and so much fun!! Dean and Mandy came down from Fort MacMurray, spent a couple days in Vegas, then St George for the wedding, then Salt Lake area to see some friends, and now I think they are back in Vegas getting ready to fly home! I am so grateful they took time out of their busy schedule to make such a long trip down here for Kenzie and Jeff.

Saturday the girls got up early, Kenzie, Emily (Jake's wife), Mandy, Rach and Amy and I, and we went for pedicures and manicures.  GUYS!,,, the place we went was really amazing!! They opened an hour early just for us! And took no other clients until we were finished.. They were very accomodating, and, they gave us a discount for those of us who got both mani/pedi's!  Very impressed! and such a change from the place Mandy and I went in Lethbridge, who couldn't get us out of their salon fast enough!!!    After our pampering session, we headed back to the venue to set up the center pieces and linens and make sure everything looked as stunning as the Bride wanted it,.. then I dropped her off, and one of her bridesmaids, at her house, and headed back to the hotel to check on Mr Bronchitis... (Poor Tom, he was sooo sick and tried so very hard not to let it affect the festivities! that man is a trooper!!!)  I had him take me back to Mackenzie's so the girls could get ready.

I think it really hit me when I was helping her put on her dress.... she looked stunning.  It hit me then that my children are married,,, they are grown ups... adults.... living their own lives..... and they are doing a damn good job at it too!

My dad preformed the ceremony, he got licenced in Canada, and was able to pronounce Kenz and Jeff as Man and Wife.  Then the party began.... SO MUCH SUPPORT from all our friends and family!!!  We danced the night away!!!  We had friends and family,,, from Salt Lake, Henderson, Canada, Pittsburgh, Seriously!!! You guys are amazing!!!

After we sent the Bride and Groom off, the clean up began,, and man that went quick! HUGE thank you to everyone who stuck around and helped load up the truck!!  we were done in about 45 minutes!!!  Why is take down so much easier than putting up???

We met the next day at Kenz and Jeff's and had brunch and watched them open their gifts.  It was an amazing weekend.

Mum and Dad headed home to Cardston, Tom and I headed back home to SLC, and Dean and Mandy headed up towards SLC to see some friends for a few days.

As I am headed home I get a call from one of my nieces from magrath, "Hey auntie,, whacha doin'?"  I got a house guest for the night!! YAY!! I love it when my girls come to town and call me!!  We got to visit for a few, and catch up, then she headed back home the next morning.  (She had come down for General Conference)  THEN I get a call from her Mom,, "are you home?"  YAY!!!!!   They were down for conference too! And I got to visit with her and her hubs for a couple hours and get all caught up.  (this is one of my very best friends,, you know,, the one friend where you can go years without seeing each other and as soon as you meet up, it's like no time has passed,,, yep,, that's her!)

It has been a crazzy, insane, absolutely magical weekend.  Full of family, friends, love, hopes and dreams!!!  And I can't wait to watch my children fulfill their dreams!

<3 <3 <3 <3

waiting for the pictures from the wedding day still... <3

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

I have always been, what society would consider, overweight.  I have struggled with my weight my entire life.  To be honest, I wish I was as fat now as I thought I was in highschool!! haha  Looking back at pictures from that time in my life, I was not as big as I thought I was.  And honestly, if I had just grown another 6 inches, I would be perfect... according to society...

This all started when my parents and I were in Sam's club the other day, and my mum picked up a tub of Ginger snaps... yep,, cookies,, Memories of me or Todd calling my Dad on Christmas Eve, so Levi could talk to "Santa",, well Santa told Levi he loved ginger snaps,,, from that point on that was all we could leave out for him on Christmas eve,, Ginger snaps,.... so there I am in Sam's club, tears streaming down my face and laughing at the obserdity of it all and the joy that memory brought..  then,  I was driving around Salt Lake with my Mum the other day, after work, and we started talking about Todd and Levi,, well I started talking,, and I said to her,, I just want to have a pity party for a minute.  The tears flowed as I cried to her, How much does one person have to take?  All I want is to be with my boys again... Kenz is getting married, Jake is married,, and here I sit... I dont want to be the strong one any more.. I don't want to do this any more. I.  Am.  Done!
I went on for a few more minutes and just let the tears falls,, it's been a bit since I have let the water works release from the flood gates, so it was probably needed.

And this thought has been haunting my brain ever since.... "What do you see when you look in the mirror?  Do you see what I see?"  Now this could be taken two ways,.,, one,, Our Heavenly Father asking US what do we see when we look in the mirror, and two,, us asking our friends, family and acquaintances,, what to they see when they look at us,, or themselves in the mirror,, do we see what others see?

Here is what I see when I look in the mirror,

• I see a little girl with rags in her hair because her hair holds curl amazingly well and she loves the way it bounces when it's curly.
• I see an adolescent going to school and struggling to make friends, never quite fitting in, but never really alone either.
• I see a teenager entering highschool, studying hard for every single C she got.
• I see a 20 yr old eagerly anticipating the birth of her first child, scared at the concept of being responsible for another human being.
• I see a young lady, rising out of the ashs of abusive relationships, and coming to the realization that what other's think, doesn't really matter.  All that truly matters is that she is true to herself, and is the best Mum she can be for her children.
• I see a lady, strong in her faith, raising her daughter and son to be true to themselves, to stay close to the spirit.
• I see a lady struggling to make ends meet, and not let it affect her children
• I see a woman, who learned to trust again, and allows a man to love her as she deserves to be loved, and allows this man to love her kids and raise them as his own.  
• I see a woman, strong, weak, happy, sad, part of her is missing, yet her desire to go on and continue to smile is greater than her desire to give up, and be done.  
• I see a woman who is beautiful, not necessarily according to society's standards, but more to those that know her, those who have seen her at her worst, cheered her on, and loved her through it all, who have helped her get up time and time again, who have seen her smile when her whole entire world is crumbling around her...

What do you see when you look in the mirror?  Do you see the awesomeness that is you? Do you see how your hand has affected so many people, for the better of man kind? Do you see the love people have for you?

Go,, look in the mirror,, and see if you can see what I see..

Love.

All it takes is that one thing...

oh I am sure this is going to cause some back lash,, When we first moved to this beautiful state in 2005 I was so excited... I couldn't wait to be where the heart of my belief system was... to be in Mormon country, where every one held the same values and standards.. everyone was friendly and accepting, Christlike even to those who didn't follow the same standards and beliefs... And don't get me wrong,, 99% of my experiences in Utah, with the wards have been great.... all it takes is that 1% sadly, to put such a bad taste in your mouth and take away the desire to ever return...

REMOVE BLINDERS

Our first ward in West Jordan was hard.. very clickish, and I was shocked at the judgements that came our way from members... in fact there is only one family in that ward that I even keep in contact with.  Bless their heart, they scooped us up and we just became instant friends,, if it weren't for them, I know my family would have sunk into the oblivion as far as church membership and activity went...

Fast forward 2 years and one more child later and we move back to Utah, this time Southern,,, LaVerkin was AMAZING!  It was like family!  They welcomed us with open arms, quickly gave Todd and I callings,, Kenz and Jake had made friends and we were happy there.

We move to Hurricane 2 years later and this is where the blinders were lifted... Unintentionally we had moved into a ward that Todd had lived in with his ex wife years earlier... The Bishop walks up to us and says,, NO LIE!,, shaking Todd's hand, "I know you,, BUT THIS is NOT Angela!"  as he points to me... we have been married for 3-4 years at this point... and I just look at him and believe my exact words were,, NO SHIT!  Todd quickly jumped in and explained who I was,, and the two of them laughed it off... when we got home after, I realized how upset my sweet husband was about that comment,, how heartless and insensitive it was to say such a thing... seriously,,, he was livid!
Never had one hometeacher or visiting teacher visit the entire time we lived in that ward. We felt like we were back in West Jordan... and it sucked!   In September, the Young Woman's presidency showed up with a card for Kenzie's birthday that was in June.  They had no clue who we were, or anything about our family.  This was not my first realization that it's the Gospel that is perfect and not the people in it, and why exactly we, as a family went to church,, was it for us or for the social aspect,, well it was for us.. .but there's something to be said about feeling welcome no matter where you go!!  If you are treated like crap at a store, you don't go back,, if you are treated horribly at a restaurant you don't go back,, why is church any different?  I go to the store for ME, for my needs,, but I will be damned if I go back an patronize a store that treats me horrible and makes me feel unwelcome,, get where I am headed here?  We didn't go to church for 6 months that year.

We moved to into St George one year after moving to Hurricane, and Todd and I spent many nights discussing how scared I was we were going to move into the same situation.  Luckily, and through much prayer, we did NOT! I am happy to say!!  We moved into the most incredible ward in St George.. The kids loved it.. and made friends quickly,, infact, NOW both of my adult children have returned to St George to make it their home!  Most amazing ward ever.  Todd's work moved to Las Vegas, and up came that discussion,, oh the fights we had,, I did NOT want to raise our kids in Sin City,, I didn't want to live there where the church support system was not as strong as the one we had found in St George.  So we hit our knees, and I trusted my husband.

We moved out of Utah, and I tried to ignore the knot in my stomach that seemed to grow with each passing mile we drove to Henderson.  Our Bishop in St George, had called our bishop in Henderson, told him to expect us, and if we could get help moving that would be fantastic.. we woke up that saturday morning to 15-20 men waiting for us to come out and open the truck.. the next day we walked into church and the love was seriously tangible.  Hugs, welcomes, overwhelming,.. completely overwhelming!!   And the best part,, if I saw someone from my ward at Walmart after sacrament meeting,, she didn't dodge and hide down a different isle,, we laughed at the fact that we both forgot to grab something or other needed for sunday dinner.. and thought nothing more of it.  (when that happened in Utah, mainly up north, they would seriously run the other direction instead of just owning it, and avoid eye contact or talking to us the next time they saw us at church!)

We were in that ward for 5 years,, I loved it,, my kids loved it,, my husband loved it!!  He was a workaholic and rarely home until he got sick,, the continual love and support from the ladies in the ward was amazing! And for the first time in our married lives we had consistent visiting teaching and home teaching visits.. There are a handful of men that knew when Todd wasn't home, they went out of their way to make sure I was good with the kids, and didn't need anything "manly" done around the house... Then Todd got sick,, and man did our friends step up!  I could call any person in that ward, and I did,, to get help with Levi for school while I had to run Todd up to St George for Dr appointments, and those usually ended up with him in the hospital and Levi needing to stay the night at someone's house.. and not once did I feel like I was putting anyone out..or taking advantage of them.. They were simply amazing... My girlfriend was visiting me one night, I had to leave Todd in st George  at the hospital to help Jake with his eagle project,, and we had a houseful of his friends that night,, she was there, and our girls called me and told me "Mum, Dad is having stroke like symptoms,,,"  That's all I remember of that conversation,, I dont even remember getting into my car and making the 2 hour drive in an hour... I do remember my girlfriend saying "GO! We have this!  GO!! and putting me in the car with a few things and sending me on my way... I didn't have to think about Levi, or Jake,, I knew,, I KNEW they would be taken care of.. and they were.

Then came the decision it was time to move back to Utah, for Todd's kidney transplant.. oh I fought him,, again!  "this is our family! this is our support system!!! I don't want to live in utah again!!!"  I liked being in an area where people went to church because they WANTED to be there, not because they were worried about what their neighbors thought if their car was still in the driveway past the time sacrament started... (you utah implants all know I speak the truth!)  Up we headed, to West Jordan, so we could have help from family.. so I could work, and his family could help get him to his various dr appointments,,, it was awesome!

In we walk to our new ward,, again, our bishop from henderson had called and explained who we were, why we were moving and we would need help.... Open the garage door on that saturday, and the amount of people there to help us move was incredible... we had that truck unloaded in under an hour!!!   It was a little harder for me to feel connected to anyone in the ward due to my work schedule,, retail + Christmas = no life.  Todd and Levi would come home and tell me how awesome the ward was,, how much they loved it,, Levi loved his primary teacher and class, and Todd just loved feeling so welcome and not like a hindrance or burden.  Our Bishop met with Todd many times those first couple months, asking how he was doing, feeling, giving him numbers of people he could call if and when he needed assistance and I was not at home... and we met with him as a family when I wasn't working,, incredible man,, incredible bishopric,, loved the entire leadership of this ward,, but I still felt alone....
One night I came home in tears, probably mid November,, saying how much I hated it here, how I didn't have any friends...it sucked! Bless his heart, My husband says to me "baby,, YOU WORK every single day,, give it time, you will have more friends than you can count, I promise!  Just get through the Christmas crap at work!"  Little did I know a month later his words would come true more than I could ever dream!

I didn't want to move in March as most of you know,, but felt in more ways than one it was needed, for me to be able to move forward, and be happy,, not live in constant stress, fear, heartache.....

If I could've moved and stayed in the same ward, I would've!  (mostly,, again most of you know I needed to get out of that ward for one reason only. AND I didn't want to be the one to move,,, dangnabit! but he clearly wasn't going anywhere!!)

So I moved,,my bishop called my new bishop, my first counselor (and older younger brother) called and emailed him and gave him the readers digest version of all that is RHONDA, sadly not one person came to help me move in,, I depended solely on my incredible ward I was moving from and my boyfriend,,  and then I hid well for a couple months, partially waiting to see how long it would take for someone to come by,, call,,,
Then decided it was time to buck up and go to my new ward yet again...still haven't seen or heard from anyone in the ward...  fast forward to yesterday....   I have been a half dozen times or so,, and the relief society presidency had stopped by, along with a super sweet senior missionary couple that I absolutely adore!,  between traveling and playing,, summers are hard for everyone to attend church regularly,, and that's ok!

I walk into church yesterday and the bishop greets me the same way he has EVERY OTHER TIME I have gone,, "Hi, welcome,, are you new or visiting?"    SIGH,, seriously?  Ok,, give him the benefit of the doubt,, I have been in and out,, I get it.  Hurt, but I get it....
After sacrament, the sweet Senior sister missionary came up and gave me a big hug, and we laughed and talked for a few minutes.. my heart started to hurt just a little less from earlier.. *yea I know we go for us and not for others,, but again,, ya don't keep going where you don't feel welcome right?!?!?!*
The lesson in relief society was Eternal Families,, BLAH!  I have an eternal family, and I know this,, it doesn't comfort me now though, with us being split up for the time being... and definitely makes going to church hard,, being single,, but not really eternally single...
Love at Home is the opening song, and for some stupid reason tears start falling,,, no I don't know why,, and I feel incredibly stupid and vulnerable at this point,,, I catch the RS president's eye and quickly look away.  ahaha OIY!!! I hate being a mess outside of my comfortzone! and my ward is outside my comfort zone right now...
Lesson starts and discussions come up,, about how everything is in the Lord's time,, and I get it I really do,,, sensitivity is key here though,, there are singles that are singles for MANY reasons, divorce, adultery, addiction, never had the chance to marry,, NO ONE said in Heaven, SEND me down and let me be single forever!, I sit quietly in the back,, trying to breathe and remember that they don't know me,, *even if I am 100% sure I am not the ONLY single person in this ward* and are just expressing how they feel,,,, blah blah blah
Anyway,, this one lady makes a comment... "singles need to quit being so cynical of their situation.."

BLINK,,,,,  WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!?!   Are you freaking kidding me? I put on my sunglasses to cover my tears, grab my keys and leave... DONE,, DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!
That hurt!
I know she didn't mean it at me,, I know she didn't think before speaking,, it happens to all of us! *HAVE YOU MET ME!?!?!*  this is one reason I really don't offend easily,, because I often speak without thinking, mainly for shock value, but sometimes it hurts people,, and I hate hurting people!
One sister came running out after me and wrapped her arms around me and just hugged me.  When she let me go, I simply said thank you. and got in my car and drove home.

Called Tom and asked if I could come over for a bit,, hearing something in my voice,, *yes I was holding back tears and probably sounded more pissed than hurt at this point* he says yes and asks what's wrong... *que tear fest*  and I vented, spewed, let everything out,,, the bishop,the lesson in class,, eternal familie, blah,,
 *he interjects here,, *
You know you have them forever! EVEN if they aren't here now ya know,, they are yours! You have that eternal family,,,"
Yea I know,, it doesn't make it easy though,,
I know it doesn't but you have it... remember that! <3  *I'm keeping this guy For the RECORD!*

I continue ranting,,, that lady,, how much I hated this ward, they haven't made an effort to get to know me, yes the blame is not all on them,, blah blah blah,,.,

 Not once did Tom say, suck it up, you're being ridiculous,, stop the pity party.. no this man says to me "if I could have 10 minutes with this ward so they could understand all that you are, and offer them 5 days in your shoes....."  we hang up and I head over... some how this guy knows how to talk to me,, to talk sense to me, without being condescending or telling me I am over reacting,, NOT EVEN CLOSE TO KIDDING!  Even when I am being irrational, emotional and a little beyond sensitive.. I pull up a chair and watch him as he is working on his bike and we talk, I don't even remember all that was said except this from Mr Awesome,, "give it time babe,, you may be surprised and come to love this ward.. just give it time, you know why you go, why you need to go,, don't give up on yourself"  <------ seriously this is why,, right here,, one of the many reason why I love him so very much!

I leave, and see a text from the RS pres.. "are you ok? I stopped by,... please call or text me"

I text her... we chat,, and I think,, yep,, give it time,,it is going to be ok....

All it takes is that one thing, sadly,, to make or break a members activity,. that comment came close to breaking me. Closer than I have been in years.. one word,, that was all it was,, cynical..

It's sad. because I think we truly lose sight of why we are going.. what our goal is,, the goal in the end! We need to, as a society QUIT generalizing, quit grouping people together in groups,, start seeing the individuals, the family's and realizing we all have the same ultimate goal... It is hard to be a single person in a family based church.  I have been a single person raising kids, and now a single person, with grown kids,, and both are equally hard... it's hard to look over and see parents struggling to keep their kids quiet in sacrament and not knowing if I should reach out and offer help or a quiet distraction or would it be seen as me thinking they suck at doing their job? It's equally hard to look over and see that single person with that longing look in their eyes to have the opportunity to struggle to keep kids quiet in church.  The ultimate goal is the same here, with each of us sitting in that chapel... To have an eternal family and return to live with our Father in Heaven again.  Single, married, divorced, widowed, sealed or not.

I guess what I am trying to say is this,, (after this obscenely long rant),, take a look around the room, lay out in your mind your comment before saying it,,think before speaking,, how can this be taken....  reach out to the person you think is being cynical, find out their story,, invite them into yours... maybe just maybe, that one thing can make them instead of breaking them.

In the midst of tragedy comes blessings AKA LEVI'S EYE

My brother said it best on  his facebook post...

Dec 13, 2014 was a rough day for my family. Especially for my older sister as she lost her husband and 11 year old son to a dumbass drunk driver.

Dec 14,2014 was a great day for maddy.
From tragedy comes, blessings.

That driver took my life from me... my foundation... my rock ... 

As I look back over the last 19 months,, yep,, 19 long,, 19 short.. months.. I see my cup overflowing,, friendships I otherwise, never would've had... friends I can't imagine not having, can't remember a time when they weren't in my life.. We will be talking and I say "remember when,, " and they have to remind me we didn't know each other then.  

Because of that driver, I have been blessed with an #inseperablesister I love beyond words,, an #olderyoungerbrother that keeps me on the path I need to be on, even when I don't want to be on it, best friends that go puddle jumping with me when I want to hide from the world, and so many others,, too many to mention them all, *that and I can't see the screen through these damn tears* (and this is above and beyond the support and love I get from my family!!)

And this family.....

We only live about 35 miles apart.. and never would've met, if it hadn't have been for the events that happened December 13,2014.


Her humbleness, her sacred respect when she talks about my son,, my baby boy.  The tears that well up in her eyes when she speaks his name... the love she shows for him,, I adore and love her... she is such a sweet special spirit! And whether she wants it or not she now has a second mom!  ;-)

And that twinkle in her left eye,, well I like to think that's Levi smiling at me saying,, "thanks Mum,, you knew what I wanted to do, and you let me!! Thanks for that!"

There is not a doubt in my mind that he is more than thrilled that he got to help change Maddy's life for the better.  He saw firsthand what legal blindness does to a person, and how much lack of eyesight impacted his Dad, and how he struggled with every day things, like putting toothpaste on his toothbrush, or taking his insulin.

So thank you Maddy!!! Thank you for being you!  Thank you for all that you are and all you represent,, and for loving my son,,,

http://kutv.com/features/inside-the-story/inside-the-story-07-21-2016


*I feel it is worth mentioning this,, this is the first news story that mentioned that the driver was indeed intoxicated,, at the time of the accident, we did not have the toxicology reports yet and had been told by the driver that he has not been drinking, his BAL was in fact .13  almost double the legal limit. So thank you to KUTV 2*