Just another day in the life....

It's been a while since I have blogged, and for that I am truly sorry.  Things have been going relatively well since our last dr visit.  Alot  has happened.  I got a new job with Macy's, which is now full time and a 25 minute commute each way.  Jacob, our oldest son, got his mission call,, YAY! He is going to the Georgia Macon mission, he reports December 18.  He is so ready to go, and kind of feels like he is in limbo right now. And my sweetheart is not in need of new kidneys,,,, yet.

I am so blessed to have the best husband in the entire world!  He has transitioned well into a stay at home dad.  I come home from work and he gets up to greet me and make me dinner, if it isn't already waiting for me when I come home.  He helps out with laundry, and keeps Levi quiet when I have to go to bed early.  I came home a few weeks ago from work and Todd offered to make me a salad for dinner, so I sat down at the table and watched him work. (not being sarcastic here, I really enjoy just watching my man!)  He reaches into the fridge and I see him stumbling with his hands inside the fridge, I ask him if he's ok and he claims he is... then I watch as he begins to slice a cucumber.  Tears fill my eyes, he is using his hands as his eyes.  he is gliding the knife down his fingers and using his fingers to measure how big of a slice of cucumber to cut.  I mention this and he goes quiet.  He doesnt say anything.  I quietly get up and grab the cheese for him (it's pregrated), and he says "No, leave it, I can do it, I have to know where things are"

We needed to talk.

My strong, tough guy, all American husband had kept from me how bad his eyesight had gotten.  He didn't want to worry me or stress me out any more than necessary.  Apparently me waking up in the middle of the night three or four times to make sure he is ok was not a secret.  He tells me he can see shadows, that is all.  He can make out shapes on good days.  I don't know what to do for him or how to fix this.  We have seen a retna specialist, and he was getting shots in the eyes every 6 weeks, but at $1000 a pop, that simply can't go on forever.  We had stopped doing his right eye about 6 months ago because they were no longer helping it.

People that come over to visit just dont realize how sick he really is.  His kidneys are still failing, which makes him excruciatingly tired on an hourly basis.  He has days, weeks where he can not keep anything down, where it takes all his energy just to lift his head.  Then there are days where he seems perfectly healthy, still using a cane on  a daily basis, he goes about his day as if he is healthy,, although he still needs to stop and rest every so often.  I watch as he stumbles to the couch because his neck is going to give out.  I watch as he gets ever so frustrated that he can't do a simply thing like sort the laundry, or find a utensil in the drawer.   I hold him as he cries because he says he has failed me as a husband and a father.  I watch as our oldest boy asks his dad if he wants to go on a father/son date.. son's treat, and Jake willingly drives his father anywhere he needs or wants to go.  I watch as our youngest son runs and grabs his dad's blood kit so he can test his blood sugars, and I watch as Levi reads to his dad the numbers off the meter, and asks "what insulin dad, and how much?"

I watch as my husband gets sicker and sicker and all I can do is pray.... pray that there is some way we can fix this.. pray that he's not taken from me yet.  That is a thought that is the very frontmost part of my thoughts all day long, every day.  My daily silent prayer as I leave my house is "Please Heavenly Father,, Let him have a good day!, Let him be ok when I get home"

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, Todd, the boys and I have all learned so much from all of this. I guess we still have more to learn.  I have never once said "why me,, why us,, why now?"  I have always thought, "Ok the Lord knows we can handle this,,, let's handle!"  and if it's not us, it would be someone else,, and honestly,, I wouldn't wish this on any one of you.


 Someone tell me diabetes is an every day disease, and it doesn't kill any more.  Someone tell me it's ok, they can take a shot after eating junk.  Someone tell me it won't happen to them.  someone tell me I DON'T KNOW!  Send that Someone to come stay at my house for one week.  See what diabetes does when you don't look after it. 

I just want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok and soon I will have my handsome healthy husband back. 

I was talking to a friend of mine about all of this and how I needed an outlet and she suggested I blog... DUH!  I'm certainly up early enough.  So this will become sort of like a journal for me... for those who want to follow along.  And if no body reads it... it will be for me. I need it.  I need to let my feelings out without putting more stress on my husband who has to put every ounce of his energy into healing himself.  I try not to let him see me cry, I save it for when I'm in the tub, or right now,, while he is sleeping and I'm headed out the door to work. He'll never know. I'll come home with a smile on my face and do all I can to help him.  He doesn't need my stress to stress him out.  so thank you for letting this be my new outlet.  {if any of you tell him what I'm saying on here I may disown ya! ;-)}