Anniversarys

Anniversarys are usually filled with flowers, sentimental gifts and love. And this one will be no different. We will have flowers, the love will be tangible and the sentimental gifts are under the tree this year. It's been a year of learning who I truly am.  And how strong my children truly are. It's been a year of becoming closer than I ever dreamed with my first born, of prayers for my second born, of dreams, of figuring out where I fit in my extended family and realizing how loved we truly are.  It's been a year of asking for priesthood blessings, reaching out for hugs and comfort, of letting people in. Forgiving, even when he doesn't think he did wrong.

A year of figuring out how to live with half my heart with our Father in Heaven and the other half still beating within me. 

This year I have seen so many blessings. I have seen people at their best and their worst. My family has grown so very large.  I have realized that family isn't always blood. I hug more, I am slower to anger, I love more willingly, I seek what is important and am working on not letting what doesn't matter affect me in a negative way. Love is eternal. And that is all we can take with us. 

I know I will get to see them again. I have seen them In my dreams.  I have felt their love surround me during difficult times. I have witnessed the tender mercies of our Lord. 

I have never been so happy to see a year come to an end. 

As Christmas approaches I am reminded of the greatest gift we ever received.  The birth of our Savior. Because of that gift, I get to be with my family forever!  Because of that gift I will be reunited with those that have gone before me, and it will be as if not one day has passed that we were apart.

So I ask you today and this Christmas season, fill your homes with love. Hug a little harder. Let the little things go, the things that won't affect your eternal happiness. Remember the true meaning of Christmas. And love.  Love like you won't get a tomorrow. Make memories. Take pictures. Because one day, that is all we will have left that truly matters and helps us through each day. 

I miss them. Every single day. Some days with smiles, some days with tears. Some days with heartache, and others with laughter. I crack inappropriate widow jokes, I laugh, I cry. I continue to love.  

Thank you is not enough., yet there is nothing more I could say,  But my family could not have gotten through this year without all of you. I love each of you so very much.  And consider you all my family. 

Here's to 2016 and doing what really matters.  

Everything happens for a reason,,,,,

I have heard this statement, even said it from time to time, so many times over the last 12 months, and I believed it,,, until one day it hit me out of the blue...

NO! Not everything happens for a reason, unless that reason is someone's stupidity... sometimes bad things happen to good people.  There is no rhyme or reason to it, there is no purpose in it happening, it is not meant to help you, make you stronger, bring you peace, etc. etc.. sometimes stuff just happens!!!!

Let me be clear, I believe that we agree to everything that will happen on this earth in the pre-existence, before we are born.  I believe with all my heart, that I sat upon my Heavenly Father's knee and promised him that I would be "oh so good" if He would just let me go down to Earth and experience having a body.  A body that bled, that loved, that hurt, that ached, that felt.  I firmly believe that He showed me everything that would happen, in my life, that we sat together and He said to me, 'my precious daughter, you will experience heartache like no other.  You will want to give up, you will want to come back, you will want to quit... please know that I love you, that I am here for you, all you have to do is call Me, and I am there'.  He knew what would happen, He knew that on that day, at that time, a drunk driver would take what I held dearest to me from me. He knew,, and He could've stopped it,, but then why? Why would He have given us His Son, Why would He have let Himself experience such heartache and pain as to watch His children persecute and torture His Only Begotten Son?

I was talking to a friend that is more like an awesomely protective older brother, who is really younger than me,,, and I said, you know,, there is no reason this happened,,, right?  and he whoelheartedly agreed with me... that is when I was able to look at this differently...

There was no reason, it was not planned, but it was agreed to.  I agreed to go through this.. my children agreed to go through it, my family agreed to as well.  *Although they may not agree with me saying this.. haha*  It wasn't so I could be stronger,,, I am plenty strong enough, honestly!, It was simply an accident, caused by the negligence on someone else's part. And if the Lord had stepped it, and stopped this person's decision, then the Atonement would have been useless.  Everything has a price, and that price has been paid by our Savior.

Right now, my job, as much as I hate it, is to forgive... forgive this man for taking the life of my husband, my son.  For robbing my children of having a father for the important stuff, of having a grandfather for their kids, and an Uncle who would get down and play with them and teach them all the bad things to do.  Right now, my job, is to be strong for my children. To show them, as our Father in Heaven has shown us, how to forgive the unforgiveable.  How to keep moving forward when all we all want to do is just stop.

That is my only job right now.  Myself and my family.... we will be ok.  Eventually, not today, not tomorrow, not next week,, but we will be ok.... We will lean on each other, and the Lord, we will hold each other, pick each other up, and above all listen.... we will take turns crying,, there will be days when I will be as solid as a rock, and there will be days when I will need someone else to be the rock, and that's ok!

I love this article and the message it has.....

http://brightside.me/article/not-everything-happens-for-a-reason-the-magic-words-to-say-when-everythings-going-wrong-55105/

My list of to do's...

I borrowed this from someone in a widow/widowers group that I am part of on facebook,, People ask me how I have changed,, how my life has changed, and I just look at them with a blank "are you serious" look... so here it is!!!  *Sometimes other's can put into words what I simply can't wrap my head around quite yet!*

"Someone asked me recently how my life has changed being a widow. Here are some things you can tell someone that doesn't realize how much your life has changed.

What does it mean to be a widow?
It is making decisions you thought you would never have to make
It is deciding if you want your name on a headstone yet
It is cooking for one
It is candle lite dinners alone
It is trying to figure out where you fit in
It is sitting home lonely because you don't want to be a burden to anyone
It is learning to live alone, for the first time in your life
It is holding yourself together for your children
It is learning to sing and smile again
It is filing paperwork to get what is rightfully yours
It is trying to make everyone happy with your decission
It is a ton of 'why me'
It is piling junk on the bed so the space next to you doesn't seem so empty
It is having the first year of difficult dates pass, when everyone else is over your loss in a week
It is not knowing what to do with your future
It is staying out late with your widow friends so you don't have to go home to an empty house
It is wishing couples wouldn't complain about being married
It is wanting to be surrounded by family during holidays so you won't feel so alone
It is wondering if your kids will call
It is being told not to talk to your friend's husband anymore because you are single
It is being forgotten when your church has a dance or party for couples
It is learning to kill the spiders, fix the electrical issues, and make your own home repairs
It is having a hole in your heart and life
It is not having someone to discuss politics rationally with anymore
It is not having someone's hand to hold when you need strength
It is holding your pet when there is no one to hold you
It is trying to feel love on Valentine's Day
It is hiding the pain of loneliness
It is not wanting to date because you can't ever replace your spouse
It is wanting to date so you don't have to live alone
It is not being invited out with your married friends anymore
It is going out to dinner alone
It is not having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
It is wondering if you are a horrible person when you move on
It is deciding when to take off your wedding ring
It is depending on God for survival and to walk with you
It is finding out you have joined the Widows Club, a club you didn't want to join with a very high entry price paid"

* credit to Grace Christophersen-Chumley for writing this list, and putting so eloquently down what I could not get together to make sense in my head!

This nails it!   I could comment on each little "it is.." but you get it,, I hope.... Some of these are easier than others,,, and some you just can't do overnight....

Mixed emotions, need a place to spew!

I am so over emotions... seriously.. over them.  One minute I am laughing my head off and the next I cry like a colicky baby.   I love Christmas and everything it represents...

• I love being around my family
• I love decorating 
• I love wrapping the presents and anticipating the looks on my loved ones faces
• I love shopping for or making that ONE perfect gift

This year is so different.  So Strange,, so foreign.  I don't ever recall a time when I dreaded the Christmas season... that's not the right word, I don't dread it,, I just don't want it to come....

My entire floor on my main level is completely ripped up, due to the negligence of Lowe's fridge installers, and mold was found... YIPEEEE!!!!  Now I get to fight with them over whether or not they are going to pay for that as well as the new flooring, deal with my insurance company, and wait for them to decide what they will cover,, my son comes home in 11 days, to a ripped up unfurnished first floor of a new house with a completely new feeling in it.. *the emptiness is quite tangible actually* , and my parents will be here 7 days after that,,, and we will have a house FULL of people for the luncheon at Jake's homecoming,, oh I am so freaking excited.

Shopping sucks,
decorating is over rated
I wrapped presents last night and thought,, "sigh,, why bother, they know what they're getting"
And my family is missing it's anchor and little goofball....
I miss buying for those two... I miss finding that perfect gift for Mr Show NO Emotion, and seeing a smile creep across his face... I miss knowing I have that one present Mr Spoiled is hounding me for,,, I miss the anticipation that invades our home, I miss taking him out to find his dad and his sibling the gifts he wants so desperately to give them!  I miss having someone to go shopping with... even though he complained.  haha

Can I just hide for the month of December please?  In fact, I'd like to skip right to February, if no one else minds....