Mother's day, Wedding Anniversary, Memorial Day, Father's day (pity party post,, you've been warned!)

The months of May and June,, I want to hide.  If I could run away and vanish for 60 days I totally would.  If I could afford to pay my bills, and hide from reality for 2 full months,, I would.  I told Todd a long time ago, when he first got sick,, If he died, I wouldn't be that weepy wife that went to his grave repeatedly,, it's something I struggle with,, I don't like going.. I cry,, *I have an UGLY cry face*, I know they aren't there, and I really don't like seeing my name on the headstone.. and I have guilt over NOT going... I feel like a horrible wife and mother.  I still don't like going.  I guess I am scared of getting sucked into the whole grief thing.  I really don't want to live there.. in the grief.. I like being happy,, I like laughing, and loving, and seeing the good in things.. I hate dwelling on the sad.... then comes May and June,, *and no I still haven't gone to the cemetery yet this weekend,, not sure I will,, judge away,, I don't care*

Mother's day,, it's become bittersweet... only 2 of my kids even talk to me right now.  3 will have nothing to do with me, and it kills me.  I blame other influences,,, and little seeds of hatred that were planted years ago, by others.  I just have to trust it will all come out in the end and they will see how very much I love them still. I did get multiple texts from my missionary boys and other "kids" that call me Mum...  Love them all!! Each one!!!  And thank you for the texts of love and well wishes!! I love all my kids, more than they will ever fully comprehend!

Wedding anniversary's,, I am at as much of a loss as to what to do as you guys are.. do I mention it?  Do you wish me a happy anniversary?  Do we just ignore it and pretend it's just another day?  My oldest son texted me "Happy Anniversary Mum!"  (It's on the 27th of May) My oldest daughter posted that it was the best thing I ever did for them was marry their dad.  And that's all that was said.  I managed to hold it together really well at work,, walked through the front doors and fell apart... Sobbing I called my Mum.  I haven't fallen apart like that in months... Uncontrollable sobs... couldn't talk, could barely breathe, just wanted to let the pain consume me for the first time in a very long time.  I miss him... I want him back... I love him... I hate him for leaving me,, I yelled at his picture... called him a shit for leaving me, for not waiting for me to get home.. for being on the road at that time, on that day.... I cried into my pillow,,, I let my mum hear my sobs, hear my heart breaking all over again,,, I try to hold it together, and for the most part I think I do a damn good job!  I mean I am still here,, haven't locked myself in my car in a garage, or vanished like I would love to on many occasions..  but for some reason, on Friday, I just let it all hit me when I walked in my front door.  14 years... we have been married 14 years,, I think maybe that day deserved a little recognition, even if it was me cussing out a picture and sobbing for what felt like an hour, *actually about 10 minutes*

I am so grateful for friends, who, despite going through their own personal hell, continue to call me, check on me,, keep me busy when they KNOW I can't be alone, despite me telling them I am ok..

I get a text from one friend last night,, "I know some times are so much tougher than others,, I don't presume to know which yours are, but given the Memorial Day weekend, Know you're in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope you have a fun weekend with friends and family! :-) "

Spent Friday, after the cry fest, all day Saturday and part of Sunday with one of my best friends... I call her Squirrel,, don't ask... I won't tell you why...  We laughed, we cried, we shared stories, we ate  crap we both knew we shouldn't!  and we didn't care!! We drove, we had a garage door come off it's track and come slamming down on both of us and we laughed even harder...  I head home Sunday morning and get a text saying "I  would just like to say that you're kicking butt.  I love you and you're doing amazing.  And I'm excited to play again!"  How did she know I was sitting here,, letting the tears fall again? I tell her I love her and she claims to love me more,, we agree to disagree.

I get another text from my inseparable sister,,  got plans for dinner?  No? See you at 2.

How do they know, right when I need them??  I think back to how we all met.. and honestly, the only ones that knew me before the accident is my inseparable sister and her family,, but, and I hate to say this,, I knew her husband better, , he was in my bishopric.. She taught Sunday School and supported my love for Chocolate... but that was the extend of our friendship.. the other two, and so many others,, I never would've met.. and I can't imagine getting through this crap race without each of them.  Every single one of them have impacted me in ways they will NEVER fully comprehend or know, and I can NEVER repay them.  Not once have they ever told me I need to be over this.. or I need to move on,, or rolled their eyes as they hear a funny leviism that I have told them about 100 times before.. or a funny about Todd,, or,,, or,,, or...

Father's day is coming... I worry about my kids,, all of them... I wish I could take this gapping hole from them.. and fill it... I wish they didn't have to miss their dad, and their brother.. I wish, I wish, I wish!  I worry about saying the wrong thing to them,,, I worry about saying something when they want to hear nothing,, or not saying anything when they want to hear something... pretty much I worry about what I know you worry about when talking to me... *fyi you don't need to worry about ever talking to me about them,, EVER!*

I get comfort from knowing I, or family, am not the only one that thinks about them.  I like hearing from my friends that they see Levi in their kids,,, or that they think about how Levi and their boys would be such good friends...

I guess I have rambled long enough,,, again.... thank you.. seems insignificant, but it's all I have... thank you for loving me,, for listening to the promptings of "hey text her"  "call her"  Thank you for tolerating my ramblings, my repeated stories.. my tears..

I will pull up my socks, and keep putting one foot in front of the other, like I have every other day for the last 17 months,,I will keep smiling, enjoying life, doing things I never thought I would get to do, and appreciate the things that matter...

Guess I just needed to let the damm gates open this weekend.. seems fitting as it's half way between Mother's day and Father's day... and it's our anniversary,,,  every once in awhile,, the tears just need to fall.

<3 <3 <3