Happy times

I love creating, making things, watching things come to life.  Nothing is more soothing to me than sitting at my craft table and just playing.  Sometimes my kitchen table turns into my crafting table if I am in the mood to get creative with baking.  I love to bake, I love to eat what I bake, thus I do NOT do it very often,, in the words of either my oldest son or daughter, can't remember which one said this, "my mum is just not a cookie baking kinda mum!" *oiy*

Jake's birthday was a few days ago, and just because he isn't here doesn't mean we can't celebrate right?  He LOVES, no where near a strong enough word here, BATMAN! The kid thinks he's batman!  So, I made a batman cake!  YEP IT was delish!!  We even had his twin from another mother over to help us celebrate!  Johnnie was born on the same day, same year, a few hours after Jake, and about 1500 miles away! 

Happy birthday you AWESOME boys!!! sure am glad you are both in our lives!!!!

Two nights ago, the Cubscouts had their blue and gold banquet, and they challenged each cubscout to bring a cake decorated with the theme of scouting!  *hehehe* Challenge accepted!!  I knew what I wanted to do right from the moment Levi told me he needed a cake.  What do scouts do,, CAMP! this is the only reason I own ANY camping equipment at all, and even that is minimal at best.  I think we own two 2man tents, and 4 sleeping bags, maybe a canteen or two as well,, THAT IS IT!,, I digress,,  Here is the cake we made...

we did 3/4 of the cake with brown frosting, and the last 1/4 we did with blue for the lake,, the sand is peanut butter cookie mix, the kind you just add water to, the pup-tent is sesame snaps, the firewood, and boat are kitkats, the life jacket the one scout in the boat has on is orange starburst, the fire pit is mentos, the fish are Swedish, haha, the scouts are cinnamon gummy bears sitting on rolo tree stumps, the flames in the fire are yellow and red starburst that we microwaved for about 20-30 seconds and Levi molded it into the shape he wanted.  the neckerchiefs are yellow starburst rolled thin and looped around their necks, and their hats are chocolate chips,,  we even roasted the mini marshmallows before putting them on the "roasting sticks"  .  We had so much fun making this!!  Levi won most creative I think,, and he came in 2nd place over all!!  The little monkey grabbed the cake before they started cutting them and brought it to our table saying he wanted to take it home!  GREAT!! we really need that in our house!!  So the kind friends we were sitting with helped out by picking off all the candies on it.  Haha Thanks Stacie and Sam we couldn't have done it with out ya!!!  ;-)

Now, what to create next......

Stage 5

We were in St George yesterday for Todd's monthly check ups with his dr's.  The first appointment was this a rehab therapist that taught me how to massage the lymph nodes in Todd to help them release the fluid that his body seems intent on holding ransom!  I'm excited about this because it's one more thing that can help keep his heart healthy and pumping!!  YAY!!!

We then met up with our two girls and had lunch with them before our next appointment.  We both love that these two will come meet us whenever we are in St George.  In fact we tend to get in some serious trouble if we even think of making a quick  trip up there without calling them and letting them know.

Every time we go up to see our Nephrologist he has an entire panel of blood work done. These tests tell him how well Todd's kidneys are working and how well he is maintaining and looking after his diabetes.  One of these tests is to see the GFR.

 http://www.articlesbase.com/health-articles/what-is-gfr-and-why-is-it-so-important-in-kidney-disease-3394266.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=ab_paid_12&gclid=COfUj4yBtbwCFeg-MgodVF0A9A  

you can just click on the above link, this article explains better than I ever could, what the GFR is.

You want your GFR to be about 120-125 milliliters per minute of fluid intake and output *as I understand it, this is the amount of fluid your kidneys are "cleaning" per minute.I could be wrong,, it's happened before, although I don't believe it was ever documented, so there is no proof! ;-)*

Last month Todd's GFR was at 21,, it needs to be under 20 to be considered for a transplant, so that is what we were hoping for this visit.

Be careful what you wish for!!!   13.. yep his GFR is 13.  Which put him in stage 5 kidney failure.  I don't think there is a stage 6 people!!  NO BUENO!

Dr Leon, who we absolutely love and completely trust,  explained it to me like this,,, "we wanted to do it a little slower.  Think of it as landing a plane,  you want a nice smooth, bump free landing,, instead your kidneys went 'look!! AN AIRSTRIP!' and did a complete nose dive right to the tarmac."

He sent a referal into the Kidney Transplant Team immediately, and we are expecting to hear from them in the next week. 

He talked to us last visit about the different options we have for dialysis.  There are two main types, there's  hemodialysis where you go to a dialysis center and sit for 4 hours, 2-3 days a week and get hooked up to a machine that removes all the blood from your body, cleans and purifies it, and puts it back in,, sounds pleasant doesn't it?  This can be really hard on your heart.  Here is the internets definition:

blood passes from the patient's body through a filter in the dialysis machine, called a "dialysis membrane." For this procedure, the patient has a specialized plastic tube placed between an artery and a vein in the arm or leg (called a "gortex graft"). Sometimes, a direct connection is made between an artery and a vein in the arm. This procedure is called a "Cimino fistula." Needles are then placed in the graft or fistula, and blood passes to the dialysis machine, through the filter, and back to the patient. In the dialysis machine, a solution on the other side of the filter receives the waste products from the patient.

Then there is Peritoneal dialysis.. which uses the patients own body tissues inside of the belly (abdominal cavity) to act as the filter. The intestines lie in the abdominal cavity, the space between the abdominal wall and the spine. A plastic tube called a "dialysis catheter" is placed through the abdominal wall into the abdominal cavity. A special fluid is then flushed into the abdominal cavity and washes around the intestines. The intestinal walls act as a filter between this fluid and the blood stream. By using different types of solutions, waste products and excess water can be removed from the body through this process.

This second type is done at home, after the catheter is put in and healed, you go in and they teach you how to hook up to a machine and you do this before going to bed at night.  You get to sleep through dialysis.  You do this every night.  This is the option we are doing.

Todd will get a dialysis catheter put in, we are hoping, within the next two weeks, and then after there is a good seal of scar tissue around it, about 4 weeks after the surgery, we go in and get set up with a machine, tubing, and all the equipment we need to do this at home.  Scary,,, kind of.  HOWEVER, being as our dr's are in St George, and we can't switch dr's in the middle of trying to get disability, this is an excellent option for us.  Even Dr Leon said Todd is a prime candidate for this type of dialysis.

So now we are waiting for phone calls from the Transplant team and the surgeon who will place the dialysis catheter in Todd's abdomen.

When we meet with the transplant team they will give us a list of criteria for potential matches for a kidney.  I know I plan on going and getting tested asap. (Please know, we are not asking any one to go out and be tested. I have had several people call me, or come up to me and ask what the criteria is for a match, and I just want to put it out there that I will let them know as soon as I do.)

Our boys, bless their hearts, all said they want to go get tested too. To which I looked at Jake and said, If that is what you really want  to do and the dr's say ok you are healthy enough to live with one kidney, then ok.  Todd and I both turned to Andrew and Adam and gave a stern "NO FREAKING WAY are you two getting tested!'  *these are Todd's two boys from his first marriage*, when they asked why, looking hurt and livid that I would say that, I explained that they are at such a HIGH risk of diabetes,, their father, maternal grandfather, and paternal grandparents, and uncles all have it,, they are going to need both their kidneys!!!

It seriously amazes me how Heavenly Father just gets everything to fall into place at EXACTLY the right time!!  I thought these auctions and fundraisers were not going to do much to help, make no mistake, I am beyond grateful for all the hard work, donations, time and effort that went into all the fundraising efforts!!  Words can NOT express how grateful we both are.

They ended at just the right time.  Todd was able to find health care that is $400 a month, with a $950 deductible, once that deductible is paid, everything else, including prescriptions, and transplant surgery, is covered for the rest of the year.  This health care went into affect on February 1 of this year.  So 5 days into it, and we have already paid close to $500 of the deductible.  After I pick up his insulin prescriptions today, we will be at about $7-800 paid.  Do you have any idea what a relief this is, to have that money there, knowing that is what it is for.. I don't have to worry about NV energy coming after us or threatening to shut off our power because I needed to get todd's insulin, or get his to a dr's visit?  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!   

So now we wait!

 We get up in the morning,, say our prayers, thank our Father in Heaven for another fantastically wonderful day!, we ask that our missionary is protected and doing well, We do what needs to be done through out the day, we seek out opportunities to help those less fortunate than we are, *we are so freaking blessed!*, and we give thanks at the end of our day. And do it all again tomorrow.

We have seen over and over again that our Father in Heaven is taking care of us, He's got this!!  *although He seems to leave the cleaning of the house to me!  :-( *

Thank you to everyone for all your love and support!! We will keep you posted!



  

Life is what you make it!

I get that life is hard. In fact it down right sucks at times. I also completely understand the need to vent and have a place where one can release the yuck, so to speak. It gets very disheartening when I see the same people post over and over again how much their life sucks. All I can think is, life, seriously, is what you make it. The first two years of my marriage my husband and I were separated by the country's boarder and immigration issues, then we had teenagers, then dealing with ex's and all that BS and mind games that go along with that, now kidney failure and only child syndrome. I make a conscious decision every single morning to: get up, brush my teeth, put on my smile, and plow head first into the day. I don't go timidly, I stand up and ready to face whatever comes our way. I try to keep a positive outlook, although sometimes all I want to so is hide from the world. I've learned a lot the last couple years,, one being attitude determines your altitude, another being: serving others makes my problems easier to handle. We choose our own paths. The decisions we make guide us to what path we are on. We are not the only one who influence that path however we are the only ones who control where that path leads. Things like "fml", I hate,,, etc etc take us down a path that is lonely dark and overwhelming. Dwell on the positive,, change the negative. Take control of YOUR path. YOU DECIDE to be happy. You decide whether to have a fantastic day, an ok day or a horrid day. The point here,,,,,, YOU/I am the common denominator in these choices. What's your choice going to be today?

No pain can be a loss

At the beginning of the week, I was laying in the lovesac, a beanbag "chair", at the end of our bed watching tv, Todd had just gotten out of the shower and was sitting on the edge of the bed, when suddenly I heard "what the heck..... Honey, I'm bleeding everywhere, come here please!"  Me being the incredibly awesome caregiver that I am, sigh heavily, and roll off my comfy seat to go look.  Todd has his hand cupped around the bottom of his big toe, and the ENTIRE bottom is raw, red, not bleeding though.  THE ENTIRE BOTTOM OF HIS BIG TOE! 

I look at him and say "what the crap did you do?, does it hurt?"  He says no, but I can hear the anxiousness in his voice, he is freaking out.  I kinda am too to be honest with y'all.. this is gross and peculiar.  I grab some gloves, a gauze, tape and lavender oil, wrap it up, find the piece of skin that was discarded on my floor and toss it out.  

The next day I am looking at his toe, changing the dressing on it, and I notice a HUGE blister on the toe right next to his big toe.. DUDE WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING??????  He doesn't go anywhere, he sits in his chair in the family room watching tv, the furthest he walks is simply around the house. How on earth is he getting these freaking sores????  Think, think, think, he sits in his chair in the family room,,, with the DISH HEATER on HIGH right at his feet. Slap my head!   Seriously, he has burnt his toes and can not even feel it! WHO DOES THAT??  Someone with horrid nerve damage is who. 

I have our friend who is a nurse come take a look at it and she confirmed he has burnt his toes. 

WELL, being the loving caregiver that only I can be, That heater is being tossed in the garage, hidden far from sight,,, (he can't really see so I have to hide it from the minion kids that do his bidding when I'm not around!) and pulling out his electric blanket!  He claims he doesn't use it because he's afraid he will trip on the cord.  My response, (loving caregiver voice of course), Don't walk around the house with the blanket on goofy!!!!

I was freaking out that he was going to lose his toes, until we figured out what was going on.  He didn't realize he had burnt his toes because he has no feeling in his leg. Every time I turn around, or think we are ahead of this battle just a little bit, something like this happens to bring me crashing down to earth.  If he can't feel when he's burning his feet, what else could happen??  I mean seriously,, what other damage can and probably will unintentionally be done because he can't feel anything. It's like no matter what we do, I can do nothing more but pray and watch as this quicksand takes over his entire body.  I can do things to slow the quick sand down, but it wont stop it,, not until he gets that new kidney. 

  Seriously,,, I dare anyone to come up to me and tell me Diabetes doesn't kill any more.  Go ahead.  Accept the challenge. 

Depression

What a title!  It has caused some heated disputes on social networks and in family's I'm sure.

It is something I have delt with for 20+ years. Something I had been afraid to talk about or share with anyone for years. Why? Because of the stigma that came with it. Because of the comments I have heard directed towards those with this disease. Because I didn't want to be labelled as a mental case. When members of my family found out I was taking anti-depressants all those years ago, I got comments like, "you don't have depression. You're too happy!" And "what on earth are you taking those for, just suck it up

FYI,, these comments do NOT help. 

My depression first reared it's ugly head when I was a single mother with a baby and a toddler, barely making ends meet, dealing with divorce lawyers, and an ex who let his lawyer do all his fighting for him. I went to the dr and got the needed medication and,though the change wasn't sudden, it was like night and day. When my sweet 2 yr old baby girl spilt sprite on her aunt Brenda's futon we were using, she didn't look at me fearful of what was going to happen. She simu said "mommy, oopsie!"  Climbed off the futon and got a towel to clean it up. The things that shouldn't matter didn't. I woke up happy, usually, I could handle conflict and be the calm reasonable one, I started exercising and eating better and thus started losing weight.Thus learning you can heal some mental disorders with proper nutrition and exercise and soon able to be off the man made medication.  I continued on this glorious path for about 10 years.....

Enter baby #3! My "postpartum" was fulblown, let's face it, who seriously can keep up eating healthy and exercising when you have a watermelon growing in your midsection????  (Seriously at the end of this pregnancy I couldn't wrap my arms around my stomach he was THAT BIG!!!)

The difference this time,, I had a loving  husband who helped me through all my emotions and picked up when I couldn't. 

After about 4 years I was able to get off my meds again by controlling my dust and exercise. 

Then we moved to Vegas.  No family, no friends, nothing. And I spiraled. When my husband finally convinced me to go to the dr, the dr looked at me and said "if you're diabetic you wouldn't stop taking your insulin would you?, so why did you stop taking your meds?, it's the same thing!" Having never heard it put that way before a light went on in my head. Ok. This make sense. Now those of you who really know me know my struggle with food has been my whole life. I'm not diligent enough to eat clean continually to stay off my meds. So this is a part of my daily routine that I accept and deal with. Get up, brush my teeth, take my pills,,,,

Becoming a caregiver of your most beloved eternal companion when you're only 40 is in no ones life goals. It can really really stress you out, pull you down, weigh you down, and DEPRESS the crap right out of ya!  So I was talking to a friend yesterday and when she asked what helped me feel closer to my Heavenly Father and kept me going I responded with "listening to my scriptures on the way to work, but I struggle to stay awake it's sooooooooooooooo monotone and,,,,  boring!" *dont judge me*. She suggested I listen to conference on my way to work and I said I'd give it a try,,  

I get in my car this morning and open the app on my phone, open conference talks, and guess who's popped up,,,,,,,, 

Go ahead,,,,,,,,,  guess,,,,,,, I'll wait!

Elder Holland's talk. *im behind in conferences so I hadn't heard it yet*, from this last October. Ok. I absolutely love Elder Holland, this is excellent.  

"A broken vessel"  really??? I am. Ok let's do this. 

As I'm listening he is thing about depression and being a caregiver and I start tearing up. Perfect timing,,,, I think so. I know with assuridy that I'm not alone. I know we can do this. I know there are things I need to do to look after myself before I can look after my sweetheart. And what I can't do,,,, it's ok.  

My goal today,,, to not let the adversary bring me down. I'm in control. Not him. I decide. Not him. 

Bring it on world! My team is ready to face ya head on. 

Happy Anniversary! Do I have to celebrate?

This is an anniversary I  would rather not celebrate.  One year ago yesterday Todd was diagnosed with kidney failure and acute heart disease.  Today, the heart disease is gone, and the kidneys are failing as expected.  What a year.  There are times that it feels like this has been our lives for so much longer than a year.  Although it never feels shorter!! 

Throughout our entire marriage we have had trials,  who hasn't right?, between being lied about in court, being lied to by ex's, being deceived, trying to blend a family and make the transition smooth, only to be lied to by the kidlets, (yea I know kids lie, its what they do when they are afraid, I really get it, I do.) And the constant pull of the adversary trying to bring you down every time you get ahead just a little bit, and get on the right course, dealing with immigration, more court battles, more threats from ex's, more battling for parental rights, financial ups and downs, THIS is the only year I wish I could change.  It has made me feel soo incredibly weak.  Maybe because there is yet to be an end in sight.  Maybe because every other struggle we have just feels more like a 1000 lb stone being put right on top of MY shoulders.  I try so hard to take care of everything so my sweet husband can focus on the most important thing on our list of to do's,, GET HEALTHY!

I went and got a job 3 years ago out of boredom.  Levi was in school, Kenz was getting ready to move out, Jake was good. I needed one that allowed me to work weird hours, where I could be home when my kids got home from school.  *no matter what anyone says, I firmly believe, and my kids have shown me, that they needed me more as teenagers than as toddlers and preschoolers,* So it was important to me that they do NOT come home to an empty house.  Mum had to be there to greet them, to ask how their day went and to just listen sometimes. 

My very first interview I fell in love with the supervisor,, not romantic love, but a OMG I know you and I  are going to be the best of friends love.  We just clicked and I got the job!!  I loved my job,, I love it still,, most days!, and my old supervisor and I,, yep we are friends... she understands me, and my frustrations, she listens when I need someone to talk to, she doesn't pity me, she gets me.  She tells me to have a pity party every day for about 5 minutes then move on with my day.  She gets it when I say I dont want to go home because I know what's waiting for me, and all I want to do is sleep.  I love her. She is one of my rocks that I lean on quite heavily, and when I don't hear from her after a couple weeks, I start to get worried, *her husband is also disabled*

Anyways I digress,  I never thought my little $11/hr job would be the sole providing income for our family.  Todd was always so good at providing for us. Then 2013 hit, and boy what a roller coaster.  We went from $XXX,XXX.00 a year to $18,000.00  WHAT? really?  Talk about a shock for the pocket book.  I mean I can totally do poor, I have done it most of my adult life, with the exception of when Todd was working, so that wasn't the problem.  The problem was now my husbands whole entire sense of worth and purpose was gone.  He could no longer see well enough to work, *I don't want to get into all the things he can no longer do, y'all can read those in previous posts* He could no longer handle the stresses of every day life, of dealing with the ex's, and all the sweet stuff they like to throw at ya, of dealing with the bills, the rent, the noise kids make. Yes you read that,, he could no longer deal with the noise kids make being kids.  So I went into overdrive and became the middle man between him and the kids when he got angry, I started worrying about the bills, I stepped up and did everything while Todd focused on getting better.  I took over everything.  He can't see to pay the bills, or even read them, I took over disciplining the kids because it was better that I do it, than he fly off the handle over someone not picking up a towel, or leaving a noodle mess in the sink,  watching him cook is somewhat hilarious, but he does still do that.

This is my life, *sigh* (please don't comment that you're sorry we are going through this,,,etc.etc.  I love reading your comments but I don't need pity, what I need is a BREAK! LOL,I don't remember what it is like to go 24 hours without someone needing something from me, a sign *work* a schedule *work* their blood kit, their medicine, dinner, socks, stop this argument!  I post this only to vent, I know this is happening for a reason, I'm not sure the reason, but I do know this is all part of my Heavenly Father's plan for our family)

3 am get up, exercise and get ready for work.
530 leave for work
630-230 work, *tiring in and of itself*
3 pm home
check on hubby, make sure he's breathing,, no jokes, he's usually back in bed after getting levi out the door for school
4 pm levi gets home and get him going on homework, do whatever laundry I need for the next day
5 pm dinner,,, depending on how he's feeling one of us cooks, although now that it's just mister picky spoiled pants at home, dinners consist of a salad for Todd and I and whatever for Mr PSP.
6 pm kitchen, or not,,, most nights it's not.
7pm get Mr PSP in the shower and get myself ready for bed.
730-8pm I go to bed, exhausted, emotionally, physically and spiritually

lather rinse repeat, lather rinse repeat, this is what runs through my mind lol

So yes this is an anniversary I would rather NOT celebrate.  One I wish we didn't have.  However, it has taught me patience, tolerance and to accept help from others.  

We are so very grateful for all the support we have received from family and friends through the various fundraisers that have been held for us.  We now have insurance to cover Todd and his medical needs,,, $400 a month with a $986 deductible, once that is used up,, everything is free!!!  So he can now go get his eye surgery that he is in desperate need of to stop the bleeding behind his eyes. Hops is on the horizon, hopefully he can get his eye sight back! What a wonderful day that will be. 

I'm off to finish the Harry Potter Marathon with my favorite 10 yr old,, Mr. PSP!!

Thanks for listening

All I want for Christmas is a new kidney???!!!

I've been sitting here for the last 30 minutes trying to figure out a cute and clever way to start this blog post.... and I got nothin'!  So many thoughts are running through my head right now, that I want to share with you all and it's all coming out a jumbled mess.. My emotions are literally all over the place, between lack of sleep, the holidays, getting ready to send out our oldest boy for 2 years, dr's appts, school award ceremonies that I always seem to miss, I feel like all I've done lately is cry...

Where do I start.........A year in review,,, nah, it's all already on here... how about the last couple weeks in review...

Our oldest daughter, Todd's sisters, and Mom all held an auction on Facebook to raise money to help us with our medical bills and living expenses until disability kicks in.  This has been, indeed, a very humbling experience.  My husband is a proud man, who loved being able to give his family whatever they needed or asked for for that matter, and these last couple years have been a huge struggle for him to go from bread winner to,,, watching his wife go out a bust her butt for pennies compared to what he was making.  It has been amazing to watch people we don't know, who don't know us, donate items for this auction, bid on items donated and OH, the humanity of it all.  (is that the right term?? probably not,, I'm tired!)  It has brought me to tears on many occasions, and truly humbled us.

Our oldest son is leaving for an LDS mission for 2 years, on December 18th for Georgia Macon.  This is a huge opportunity for him.  This was his decision, We have told him for years that although this is something we hope he will do, it had to be his decision and we were ok if he didn't want to go.  When he decided to go, which honestly has just been in the last 8 months,, we were thrilled.  Then reality hit me,, my baby boy would be gone,,, serving his Heavenly Father for 2 years, 24 months, 104 weeks, 730 days!!!!!! AUCK! seriously?  I'm not sure I can go that long with no hugs, no him sneaking into my room and jumping on the love sac to join me in watching a movie, randomly hugging me,,, because he can see I need it,...   no "love you mom" at the end of every night...(great now I'm crying AGAIN!!!!!! grrr) I'm being selfish.  I don't want to share my kids with anyone. I want them to stay safe in my mommy bubble forever. (Meanwhile Todd is thinking, "go my son, conquer Georgia, grow, learn, come back a man, blah blah, blah)  They can get married and have my grand babies, but they have to stay in my mommy bubble.  I'm scared to send him out there.  On the other hand, this is a huge leap of Faith for me.  I trust that my Heavenly Father will watch over and protect Jacob. I know he is going to rock Macon Georgia! And make so many new friends!!!  He will grow so much.  This is where he needs to be at this point in my his life.  (I still think they really need to cover the whole "you have to let them grow up and leave the nest" part in sex ed and family living classes,, just sayin'!)

Work has been crazy because, well,, it's fourth quarter!  enough said??  I go into work anytime between 2 am -6 am and work 8-10 hour shifts. Yea I know, it's the norm for some of you,,, in fact some of you work longer shifts, and I really am blessed to have a job that I absolutely love!

I'm just exhausted, and stressed. This is a new position for me, remember I was a stay at home mom for 15 years, (YIKES has it been that long??), I feel like every time I take a step forward I get pushed back two. I am having to learn tact, it's a trait I seemed to have missed out on, to tone down my sarcasm, way harder than it sounds, and to be a leader.  Kinda overwhelming for a person who's biggest battle for 15 years was getting the kids to do the dishes,, can't spank employees,, they kinda frown on that,, GO FIGURE! And then come home and leave work stresses in the car or better yet at work, and put on my parent/wife hat when I walk through the door, when all I want to do is crawl into bed.

Christmas... it's leaner this year than in years past.  We have talked to our kids about it, and bless their hearts, they get it, they understand. At least they say they do.  Doesn't stop a mom from feeling guilty about not wanting to give her babies the best Christmas ever though,, so this year we have made hygiene bags and collected blankets and a few toys and are taking them to a local family shelter this Saturday for Christmas.  When we talked to the kids and asked them if we could do this instead of struggling to spend money we don't really have, on ridiculous items we don't really need, they all said "YES!"   My heart overflowed!  They will still have one present under the tree from us, and from each other,, stockings will be slimmed down quite a bit (I can easily spend $100 on EACH stocking, a very sore spot with my husband as he doesn't seem to grasp how much I LOVE STOCKINGS!), and there will be nothing under the tree that isn't needed or useful.  And we are all ok with that.. We have received so many blessings this past year that Todd and I felt it was important to give back and to teach the kids, (the youngest ones mainly, the older ones get it) that doing service for others is the greatest gift out there.

Now onto the title of my post... are any of you still out there reading this?  Sigh

Todd had a dr's appt about a month ago and was told his kidneys were on their final lap.  I don't remember numbers and where his levels were, I wasn't able to go up with him to his appt's that day.

The dr's told him no more 90 days between visits, they wanted to see him every 4 - 6 weeks.  Ok no problem.  We went up yesterday, well he went up the night before because he had to get a bunch of lab work done, and I went up yesterday right after work (just so you understand why this post is such a jumbled mess, I was up from 9 pm Monday until 8 pm tuesday, and got up at 11 pm tuesday to go to work wednesday morning, thus the lack of brain function!)

I made it in time to go to two of the three appt's with him.  Dr Leon, who is our kidney specialist walks in and says basically, ok this is it,, the next time I see you, we will need to figure out what kind of dialysis you want,,  Todd's creatin levels are at a 3.36 with a gfr of 21.  GFR is some medical term that gives them the percentage at which your kidney's are functioning, (thank goodness for the notebook app so I could take notes during this visit), When your kidneys are function at 20% you are eligible to be on the transplant list, NOT 1% before you hit 20.  At 15% with symptoms of loss of appetite, tiredness, constant itchiness and others I'm sure the PA mentioned, you go on dialysis.  He is still loosing alot of protein in his urine, and his potassium levels are high.

We knew this was coming.. and honestly, through the Grace of our Lord, we have made it further than we thought we would.  We were expecting to be on dialysis NOW, as were our dr's. So, Dr. Leon told us there are two kinds of dialysis, one you do at home, every day, at night for 7 hours while you are sleeping, and one you do 3 times a week at a dialysis center.  He thinks we are perfect candidates for the at home dialysis, and I sure hope he is right.  Not that I've ever had to do either one, but the at home one sounds easier to me.  With the exception of the threat of pulling out your port in your sleep and bleeding out.. (thanks bestie with all the medical knowledge for that little tidbit!)

We go back on the 21 of January for more lab work and to get on the transplant list, make an appt to meet with the transplant team and get that ball rolling.  Dr Leon said obviously he would prefer a live donor, and if we can find one then we may be able to skip dialysis all together.  When I asked him what the criteria was for a match, he said we would get all that info when we meet with the transplant board.  Both dr's are very happy with where Todd is at.  He is doing everything he himself can do to ensure he is not damaging anything any further. 

I, on the other hand, just want my healthy, easy going, laid back, non tired husband back. I try not to dwell on it, to think about it or over think it.  I try to hide my stress from our boys and Todd, the last thing he needs is to stress about me stressing about him.

 I sit here and think, how on earth can I do this on my own?? Jake has been my 2nd hand man, his dad's chauffeur, my errand runner, his dad's company during the day, and evenings.  I listen to my scriptures on my way to work every morning and that really helps me get through the day without needing bail money,, no seriously.  I am scared to ask for this burden to be lifted from our family..Heaven only knows what's around the corner for pete's sake! I know there is something we need to learn or teach someone from all this.  I wish I knew what it was. I know the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle,, I firmly believe that.  Some times I just wish I felt as strong as the Lord seems to think we are. 

This is Jake's mission area, where he will be for the next 720 days... :)

and for those of you who missed it, or want to listen to it,, here is the link for his farewell talk he gave this last sunday in church:

it's not  video, just an audio of his talk.

We hope you all have a happy and joyous Christmas season, and may the true meaning of Christmas linger in your hearts and homes the coming year! 

Love The Johnson Clan!