One day ... *ramble ramble ramble,,sorry,, my thoughts are all over... again! haha*

you just realize that the tears are fewer, the hurt is a little less, the happiness is starting to not seem so fake.

You realize an hour has past and you have gotten busy with something else and not thought about what you lost that cold December day.

And you have guilt. 

Guilt over being happy, over not letting missing them consume your every waking moment like you did just a few weeks or even days ago.

And somewhere, out of nowhere, it just hits you,, they are happy for you! They are smiling because you are smiling.

One day you realize that the storm you have journeyed through has completely changed your view on things.   We were in Relief Society today, *a lady's 'sunday school' class if you will*, and discussing our trials and how some are greater than others.  I don't remember exactly how it came up, but I remember sitting there and my gut was just turning... Why do we do that?  Why do we downplay our trials?  I have lost count of how many times I have had someone say to me "oh what you are going through is much worse, I need to just suck it up!"

NO YOU DO NOT!!! 

We need to stop comparing our trials to those of others. What you are going through at this point and time is just as traumatic to you as what anyone else is going through. Stop belittling your trials.  Please!!! PLEASE!!!! They are important. They help us grow... whether it be through serving others, or by going through this particular trial.  Trials shape who we are, and who we become.

Another thing I hear is "you are given nothing more than the Lord knows you can handle"

 FALSE! just saying',,

I belive in a pre existence, I also firmly believe, and you are free to disagree with me, this is just my feelings on this,, that we agreed to the trials and blessings we would receive here on earth.  I believe I personally sat on the knee of my Heavenly Father, and He said to me,, "here is your bag of trials I have for you.. these are gonna be hard, if you go down there,, these are going to seem unattainable,, You can do it, I know you can, but it's going to be hard"  AND because there was no veil at that point, because we could see all things, and the final chapter of our story, I agreed to it.. with enthusiasm.  I knew it would be hard, I knew it would hurt,, I knew I would grow.  I knew I had to do these things in order to be able to return to live with my Heavenly Father forever.  

Insert veil

all things are forgotten, we plug along in life.. we struggle, we cry, we laugh, we love, we lose, we bring our parents joy, we hurt our parents, we cause them pain, we watch as our own children do the very same things to us... and we wonder why..... because of the veil.  How much easier would it be to go through this earthly life with No veil!!!  But we would not grow, we would not become more Christ like.  After all is that not why we are here?  To attain Celestial glory? To return to the loving arms of our Heavenly Father? The one person who loved us so very much, He gave us His son, our older Brother, to help us return to live with THEM one day?

So before you go saying your trials are easier than mine, or the Lord wouldn't give you more than you can handle,, pause!!!  

Take stock in everything you have gone through, how hard it is.. how much it hurts, how much joy it brings you.. and allow yourself to grow.  Allow yourself to feel the pain, cry the tears, don't belittle what you are going through, it is an important part of who you are destined to become.  

And one day, you will look back and smile, and realize the tears are fewer, the storm is lessening, the clouds are lifting, the sun is shining, and you survived! You came out on top, and your biggest cheerleaders are smiling with you!!!  

Would you know....

So this picture popped up on my newsfeed today....

With the question,, "would you recognize Him if He showed up looking like this?"

Good question... would you??   

I am wanting to share a very personal, very spiritual experience with you that happened on the night of the accident... It is THE ONLY thing that brought me comfort that night, and my only regret is I didn't realize it until about 1 month later.... 

I remember:

• driving around the accident... not once, but twice and thinking how horrid that something would happen this time of year and I hoped that everyone involved was ok.  
•  wanting to punch the officer that wouldn't let me down to my loved ones when I realized it was them
• thinking if I do punch him I will end up in jail
• hearing Todd whisper to me that everything was ok, and I would get through this 
• the grief councilors trying to comfort me and me telling them to NOT touch me
• only letting the Lieutenant help me into his truck and making sure I stayed standing
• listing off people who needed to be called,, here is where it gets interesting...

The very first person I asked them to call, *I had already called my daughter and my inlaws, beyond that I was useless*, was my Bishop.  This is how the conversation went:

Me: My bishop,, someone needs to call him,, I really am going to need a blessing,,, he doesn't know who I am, we just moved into the ward,, he knows Todd though and Levi, but I have worked every Sunday almost since we moved here, is it ok to call him... do you think he will come?

I was assured that he would come... I think someone said that,, 

Someone, I don't know who, called him....  He was at the other end of the accident,, apparently waiting for me to be notified....  neither of us knew where the other one was.

He was told I was at the fire house.

I looked up a few minutes later *should NOT blog at work! HOLY CRAP tearfest 2016!* and I saw a man walk into the fire house... he all but ran to me, opened his arms and just held me.  I don't think I have ever seen such a completely crushed demeanor on a human.  His arms wrapped completely around me whispering to me "I am so sorry, Rhonda, I am so sorry" "I wish I could take this from you"  "Please know how sorry I am"  and every single time I looked up at him and said "THIS ISN"T REAL, Please tell me this is nothing more than a horrid nightmare,, they are my life, I NEED THEM BACK NOW!"  Fresh tears spilled from his eyes and he just kept saying how desperately he wished he could take this from me.....

Jump ahead a month or so.. and people are telling me to let the Atonement work,, let it do it's job.  I was furious.  How on earth is the Atonement supposed to work for ME? I didn't do anything wrong!!!  I wasn't the one who got drunk and decided to drive home at 5 in the freaking after noon..... this was not something the Atonement could fix for me.

I had a huge misunderstanding of the Atonement, and what it does.  Our Savior did not bleed from every pore in the Garden of Gethsemane, fast for 40 days and nights, be persecuted, have His friends betray Him, and then be hung on a cross and die only for our sins...  This is what most people think of when the Atonement is mentioned... it is what I thought of.  

Our Savior has felt every tear each of us has shed, every single heart break, minor or major, every single wrong done unto each of us, He has felt it all.  

I don't remember exactly when I realized what had actually happened that night, but it hit me like a ton of bricks,, Those words that our sweet Bishop whispered into my ear on the darkest night of my life,,, they weren't from him,, but from HIM.  It was my Savior's arms around me that night,, His heart that broke along with mine, His voice that whispered those words of love and comfort,, His face that I saw when I saw a broken, crushed, man.  It was my Savior that wanted desperately to take this pain from me, He wanted to protect me from this heart ache, this black hole that I had been thrown into... He couldn't take it from me, because I had agreed to it.   He had already done His part.  He had already fulfilled His promise to me.  Now I needed to fulfill mine to Him. 

*sorry if this sounds like I am rambling AGAIN!*

So when this picture of my older brother popped up on facebook today, all I could think of was YES!! I already did.  I know who HE is, I know HE loves me... and I know through Him I can do all I had promised Him I would do.  And knowing He is walking beside me daily does nothing more than help me get through this life and strive to be worthy to be greeted by Him, and my boys again one day!!!  

This is my ah-ha moment. 

 This is what I carry in my heart daily.

  I KNOW WHO HE IS! and I pray that tomorrow, I will recognize Him much sooner than I did on that day.  

Reflecting pool

I have spent the last 20 days reflecting on the last 384.  So much has changed.

 It continues to amaze me what the human heart can survive.  I am sitting here completely surprised that I am sitting here,, if that makes sense.  The month I expected to be the absolute hardest and worst month of my life, for the rest of my life, was amazingly filled with love, family and building new memories!  I am not even really sure what I want to say, so I am just going to type it and hope I don't sound like a complete blubbering fool.

For the first time in over a year, I actually feel like my brain is solidified. I can hold a thought for more than 30 seconds, I can recall conversations from the day before,, mostly.  I smile, and I mean it. I love life again.  I whistle mostly every day again.  I want to live.  I want to see my babies get married, which is happening for both of them this year!!!, I want to see my grand babies, and love and spoil them like no other!!!! AND IT FEELS GOOD!!

I feel validated in my anger, and in my forgiveness.  I can honestly say that I am so very grateful for that miracle we call forgiveness,, never thought of it as a miracle until this last year.  I spent a lot of time going back and forth over and over. between anger verging on hatred and forgiveness towards the man who ripped apart my life and the lives of my children.  And I have learned that that is completely OK!  I don't have to like him,, I don't have to get the warm fuzzies when I see him at my grocery store,, yes it will always be MY grocery store.  I feel sorrow for him mostly, don't get me wrong, sometimes the anger still comes up... most days it's sorrow.  He is in complete denial as to his part in all this, and when it hits him over the head,, it will hit him hard.  It may not be this lifetime that this happens, but it will happen. Of this I have no doubt, and it will tear him to his very core.

Having said all that, I am moving forward.  I am focusing on the positive things in life, and all that anger is far from positive.  Life is GOOD!!!

I got to spend the 13 of December with Mackenzie, and just remember Todd and Levi and all that was them!!!
On December 14 our Elder returned home with honor from his 2 year mission in the Georgia Macon Mission. On the 18th, my parents arrived, the 20th was Jacob's homecoming here in Utah, and then Christmas!!!!!

A few tears were shed Christmas day.  It was eerily quiet, peaceful, and full of love.. their presence was tangible.  My mum bought all of us little lego kits and I had bought lego figures,, the tree,, that I finally decided I would put up, was covered in BYU, Lego and Dr Who ornaments, with one tiny Ute ornament, and 3 snowmen for Kenz, Jeff and Jake.  It was quiet, we played card games, we laughed, we shed a few tears, I can't speak for everyone but I knew exactly where those two men were every minute of that day!

December 26, caught my parents driving north to head home, and Jake and I driving south to Henderson for his homecoming in our ward there.  Is it possible to have more than one home,, they say home is where the heart is, and my heart is divided,, between Canada, Utah, Henderson and Heaven,, how does one choose?

Jake had his homecoming on December 27, and our sweet friends had an open house for us, and we got to visit with all our family down there. *I have said it before and I will say it again, my heart knows no difference between blood family and friend family,, family is family*

I dropped Jake off in St George on my way home on the 28th.  And that man child went and proposed to a sweet girl we have known for years!!!!  So we have ANOTHER wedding this year!!!  April 23, in St George.  To say I am happy for them is an understatement.  It will be exciting to watch these two young adults grow and mature together!  And seriously, I have loved her and her family for years, they are one of our closest friends in St George, so it just makes sense!

I struggled a little bit with Jake being down in St George when our plan was he would live here with me, yet something changed, not sure what it was,, that brought peace to my heart with the whole thing. It will work out.  And honestly, I am kinda liking not having to continuously worry about said man child, and come and go as I please.. If I want to cook, I cook, if I don't I don't.  To say I have adjusted to living alone, well,, it's a true statement.

New Years Eve, was spent sober and engagement free with friends! haha We, well my girlfriends husband BBQed in the 5 degree weather, while my date kept him company, haha, And Mandi and I sat inside, and played with her son, and had a mini new years with him, then sent him to bed so the adults could party!

That brings us to today,, the first page of the next 364 of my life.  I love where my life is going right now.  I love watching Mackenzie and Jacob become adults, and figure out how to maneuver through life.  It has been... fun isn't the right word, but fun to watch as Kenz and Jeff adjust to all the changes in their lives, and getting all the wedding prep done.  Their wedding is October 1!!! WOOT WOOT!!!!!!

So as I reflect on the last 384 days, I have noticed that

• the world is full of good people that are all too often overshadowed by the ones making choices that negatively affect others
• that not everything has to be ok all the time.
• you can be happy and sad simultaneously
• people often speak without thinking first and don't always mean how they say something
• some things there are no letting go of and that is completely ok, I mean I am not the Savior, I am trying to be more like Him, but I am not HIM!!! (and let's not forget He too had times of anger and frustration!!!!!!! and no one told Him to Let it go!)
• you can smile through the pain and fake it as long as you need, then one day you will realize that your smile isn't necessarily fake any more.
• tears are ok
• sadness is ok
• the things we learn in this life are simply amazing
• you can love more than one person at the same time, and that is ok too! (provided one of them is waiting for you on the other side!!!!)
• what you think you can't possibly survive, you will
• your heart will heal
• your heart will still ache
• you are stronger than you think
• braver than you believe 
• and smarter than you know... 
• and as hard as it is to believe in the middle of the dark cloud of grief.. you will be ok.  You will always shed a tear for lost loved ones, and that is perfectly ok. 

So here is to an amazing 2016!!! May it find you all happy, healthy, and knowing you are loved and cherished beyond your wildest dreams!!

Jake and I went to the cemetery with my parents so my dad and Jake could see the headstone,,, I bought the boys a drink and chocolate! haha Jake and I decided to sprinkle the M&M's and drizzle the drinks over them so no one would take them!!  

My baby girl and her Mancrush everyday!!   I love these two kids so freaking much

My RM and his dream girl.  <3 it's going to be fun to watch these two grow together!!!  Love them with my whole heart!

my life! my reason for putting my feet firmly on the floor every single morning! My happiness, my sorrow,,, my heart!  

This is gonna be fun!

Anniversarys

Anniversarys are usually filled with flowers, sentimental gifts and love. And this one will be no different. We will have flowers, the love will be tangible and the sentimental gifts are under the tree this year. It's been a year of learning who I truly am.  And how strong my children truly are. It's been a year of becoming closer than I ever dreamed with my first born, of prayers for my second born, of dreams, of figuring out where I fit in my extended family and realizing how loved we truly are.  It's been a year of asking for priesthood blessings, reaching out for hugs and comfort, of letting people in. Forgiving, even when he doesn't think he did wrong.

A year of figuring out how to live with half my heart with our Father in Heaven and the other half still beating within me. 

This year I have seen so many blessings. I have seen people at their best and their worst. My family has grown so very large.  I have realized that family isn't always blood. I hug more, I am slower to anger, I love more willingly, I seek what is important and am working on not letting what doesn't matter affect me in a negative way. Love is eternal. And that is all we can take with us. 

I know I will get to see them again. I have seen them In my dreams.  I have felt their love surround me during difficult times. I have witnessed the tender mercies of our Lord. 

I have never been so happy to see a year come to an end. 

As Christmas approaches I am reminded of the greatest gift we ever received.  The birth of our Savior. Because of that gift, I get to be with my family forever!  Because of that gift I will be reunited with those that have gone before me, and it will be as if not one day has passed that we were apart.

So I ask you today and this Christmas season, fill your homes with love. Hug a little harder. Let the little things go, the things that won't affect your eternal happiness. Remember the true meaning of Christmas. And love.  Love like you won't get a tomorrow. Make memories. Take pictures. Because one day, that is all we will have left that truly matters and helps us through each day. 

I miss them. Every single day. Some days with smiles, some days with tears. Some days with heartache, and others with laughter. I crack inappropriate widow jokes, I laugh, I cry. I continue to love.  

Thank you is not enough., yet there is nothing more I could say,  But my family could not have gotten through this year without all of you. I love each of you so very much.  And consider you all my family. 

Here's to 2016 and doing what really matters.  

Everything happens for a reason,,,,,

I have heard this statement, even said it from time to time, so many times over the last 12 months, and I believed it,,, until one day it hit me out of the blue...

NO! Not everything happens for a reason, unless that reason is someone's stupidity... sometimes bad things happen to good people.  There is no rhyme or reason to it, there is no purpose in it happening, it is not meant to help you, make you stronger, bring you peace, etc. etc.. sometimes stuff just happens!!!!

Let me be clear, I believe that we agree to everything that will happen on this earth in the pre-existence, before we are born.  I believe with all my heart, that I sat upon my Heavenly Father's knee and promised him that I would be "oh so good" if He would just let me go down to Earth and experience having a body.  A body that bled, that loved, that hurt, that ached, that felt.  I firmly believe that He showed me everything that would happen, in my life, that we sat together and He said to me, 'my precious daughter, you will experience heartache like no other.  You will want to give up, you will want to come back, you will want to quit... please know that I love you, that I am here for you, all you have to do is call Me, and I am there'.  He knew what would happen, He knew that on that day, at that time, a drunk driver would take what I held dearest to me from me. He knew,, and He could've stopped it,, but then why? Why would He have given us His Son, Why would He have let Himself experience such heartache and pain as to watch His children persecute and torture His Only Begotten Son?

I was talking to a friend that is more like an awesomely protective older brother, who is really younger than me,,, and I said, you know,, there is no reason this happened,,, right?  and he whoelheartedly agreed with me... that is when I was able to look at this differently...

There was no reason, it was not planned, but it was agreed to.  I agreed to go through this.. my children agreed to go through it, my family agreed to as well.  *Although they may not agree with me saying this.. haha*  It wasn't so I could be stronger,,, I am plenty strong enough, honestly!, It was simply an accident, caused by the negligence on someone else's part. And if the Lord had stepped it, and stopped this person's decision, then the Atonement would have been useless.  Everything has a price, and that price has been paid by our Savior.

Right now, my job, as much as I hate it, is to forgive... forgive this man for taking the life of my husband, my son.  For robbing my children of having a father for the important stuff, of having a grandfather for their kids, and an Uncle who would get down and play with them and teach them all the bad things to do.  Right now, my job, is to be strong for my children. To show them, as our Father in Heaven has shown us, how to forgive the unforgiveable.  How to keep moving forward when all we all want to do is just stop.

That is my only job right now.  Myself and my family.... we will be ok.  Eventually, not today, not tomorrow, not next week,, but we will be ok.... We will lean on each other, and the Lord, we will hold each other, pick each other up, and above all listen.... we will take turns crying,, there will be days when I will be as solid as a rock, and there will be days when I will need someone else to be the rock, and that's ok!

I love this article and the message it has.....

http://brightside.me/article/not-everything-happens-for-a-reason-the-magic-words-to-say-when-everythings-going-wrong-55105/

My list of to do's...

I borrowed this from someone in a widow/widowers group that I am part of on facebook,, People ask me how I have changed,, how my life has changed, and I just look at them with a blank "are you serious" look... so here it is!!!  *Sometimes other's can put into words what I simply can't wrap my head around quite yet!*

"Someone asked me recently how my life has changed being a widow. Here are some things you can tell someone that doesn't realize how much your life has changed.

What does it mean to be a widow?
It is making decisions you thought you would never have to make
It is deciding if you want your name on a headstone yet
It is cooking for one
It is candle lite dinners alone
It is trying to figure out where you fit in
It is sitting home lonely because you don't want to be a burden to anyone
It is learning to live alone, for the first time in your life
It is holding yourself together for your children
It is learning to sing and smile again
It is filing paperwork to get what is rightfully yours
It is trying to make everyone happy with your decission
It is a ton of 'why me'
It is piling junk on the bed so the space next to you doesn't seem so empty
It is having the first year of difficult dates pass, when everyone else is over your loss in a week
It is not knowing what to do with your future
It is staying out late with your widow friends so you don't have to go home to an empty house
It is wishing couples wouldn't complain about being married
It is wanting to be surrounded by family during holidays so you won't feel so alone
It is wondering if your kids will call
It is being told not to talk to your friend's husband anymore because you are single
It is being forgotten when your church has a dance or party for couples
It is learning to kill the spiders, fix the electrical issues, and make your own home repairs
It is having a hole in your heart and life
It is not having someone to discuss politics rationally with anymore
It is not having someone's hand to hold when you need strength
It is holding your pet when there is no one to hold you
It is trying to feel love on Valentine's Day
It is hiding the pain of loneliness
It is not wanting to date because you can't ever replace your spouse
It is wanting to date so you don't have to live alone
It is not being invited out with your married friends anymore
It is going out to dinner alone
It is not having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
It is wondering if you are a horrible person when you move on
It is deciding when to take off your wedding ring
It is depending on God for survival and to walk with you
It is finding out you have joined the Widows Club, a club you didn't want to join with a very high entry price paid"

* credit to Grace Christophersen-Chumley for writing this list, and putting so eloquently down what I could not get together to make sense in my head!

This nails it!   I could comment on each little "it is.." but you get it,, I hope.... Some of these are easier than others,,, and some you just can't do overnight....

Mixed emotions, need a place to spew!

I am so over emotions... seriously.. over them.  One minute I am laughing my head off and the next I cry like a colicky baby.   I love Christmas and everything it represents...

• I love being around my family
• I love decorating 
• I love wrapping the presents and anticipating the looks on my loved ones faces
• I love shopping for or making that ONE perfect gift

This year is so different.  So Strange,, so foreign.  I don't ever recall a time when I dreaded the Christmas season... that's not the right word, I don't dread it,, I just don't want it to come....

My entire floor on my main level is completely ripped up, due to the negligence of Lowe's fridge installers, and mold was found... YIPEEEE!!!!  Now I get to fight with them over whether or not they are going to pay for that as well as the new flooring, deal with my insurance company, and wait for them to decide what they will cover,, my son comes home in 11 days, to a ripped up unfurnished first floor of a new house with a completely new feeling in it.. *the emptiness is quite tangible actually* , and my parents will be here 7 days after that,,, and we will have a house FULL of people for the luncheon at Jake's homecoming,, oh I am so freaking excited.

Shopping sucks,
decorating is over rated
I wrapped presents last night and thought,, "sigh,, why bother, they know what they're getting"
And my family is missing it's anchor and little goofball....
I miss buying for those two... I miss finding that perfect gift for Mr Show NO Emotion, and seeing a smile creep across his face... I miss knowing I have that one present Mr Spoiled is hounding me for,,, I miss the anticipation that invades our home, I miss taking him out to find his dad and his sibling the gifts he wants so desperately to give them!  I miss having someone to go shopping with... even though he complained.  haha

Can I just hide for the month of December please?  In fact, I'd like to skip right to February, if no one else minds....