Strawberry Reservoir Camping 2016

Seriously, Can I just tell you that I love that he wants to take me all over and show me so many new things???  Whether we are on the back of his bike, in my car or his truck, we have so much fun together!!!

This weekend he took me to strawberry reservoir,,, OMG GORGEOUS COUNTRY!, & taught me how to cast,, yes I grew up on Vancouver Island, I think the last time I held a fishing rod I was 10... haha  I was really looking forward to him teaching me how to gut a fish, but alas, they didn't bite,, dumb fish!  I find myself looking forward to whatever it is he can and will teach me every time we are together...

I love our conversations:

 How they can be serious and, for lack of a better word, intense,,, not bad intense, just meaningful, and heartfelt... he gets the inner battle I have between loving him and still loving Todd and reassures me that it's completely 100%  OK to love them both... over how I feel ripped off of parenting at times, because I should have a 13 year old pain in my butt still here driving me insane...

And he shares his thoughts and struggles with me,, but I am not putting them on here,, they aren't mine to share,,

Then we are laughing so hard, we both have tears running down our faces,, just that quickly! Yes the *shock factor* plays heavily in our relationship!!

  I know I must drive him nuts, he has heard repeated stories over and over again, but he just listens over and over again...

He handles my heart with the gentlest of hands, and treats it like its gold.. He tells me he is proud of me doing things I didn't think I could do,, he mentions my strengths and helps me grow from me weakness'.  He is my rock,.. my person.. he lets me cry, then grabs my hand, picks me up and keeps pushing me forward.  I am not sure how I got so lucky,, but I am so grateful he is in my life!!

His patience in teaching me anything from where North is,*stop laughing!! I am a turn right or left kind of gal, but I am getting it,, I hope!* to how to shoot a gun is bar none.

Seriously, I just enjoy every minute we are together!!  We get asked all the time, what our plans are.. so I am going to put it in print... right here!!

• To keep making sure the other one is happy! 
• To keep each other laughing.
• To keep a smile on our faces
• To keep learning and growing with each other
• To keep supporting and loving each other  
• To keep communicating with each other
• To keep doing what is working for us! 

And this,, these fun adventures,and everything in between, this is what is working for us!!  <3

AMAZING!

That is the ONLY word that comes to mind when I think about this past weekend!  I keep replaying the events over and over in my head!! SO many firsts!!!  SO many amazing memories were made!!

Let me start by saying, I grew up, and by grew up I mean got older, with my dad riding a motorcycle.. so I never really had or understood the stigma that seems to follow those that ride,,, the whole,,, "don't talk to them they are bad people,, they cause fights,, they drink,, etc. etc.. gangs,, " you get the picture here... I just don't get it.. I have never really been one to not respect someone because of how they look,, how they act is a completely different story mind you!

Tom and I got to take part in the MDA Ride on Saturday. 3000+ bikers all together,, for one purpose.. to raise money and awareness for Muscular Dystrophy.  It was overwhelming and awe inspiring at the same time!  The sense of brotherhood was tangible in every sense of the word. What was even more,, what's the word,, incredible, was to see our local law enforcement there.  There were motorcycle police officers from SSLCPD, UPD, WVPD, and I am sure I am missing some, that joined us.  Keep in mind this was my first BIG ride, so the entire thing was a huge eye opening experience, to see all the bikers, and officers, nodding, shaking hands, saying hi... etc etc... it was awesome to see, especially considering all the bad press our officers have been getting.

At 1 pm we heard sirens and everyone's kickstands went up, and we were off.  LOUD.. that's the one word that can describe it.. LOUD!  The officers led us out and onto the road,, other officers stopped traffic so we could all get out and on the road and freeway safely... and thankfully there were only a couple cars that felt it necessary to get in front of "those bikers" once we were on the freeway.. most of the cars we passed were waving and a few honking, and most, very respectful. We headed to Wendover, where we got to see American Hitmen perform!  Sunday we packed up and headed back to the valley.

Where we got back just in time to shower, and get ready to go do something I have wanted to do for the last year.....

A few months ago, I got a letter from a young girl, who is the recipient of one of Levi's cornea.  She was legally blind, and her life was hindered because of this disability, as we, our family, could understand, as Todd was legally blind for the last 2+ years of his life.

I wrote her back.. trying to share with her exactly who my little boy was and all the awesomeness he represented.

I got a letter from her mom.  Heartfelt, and full of love and gratitude...

and I waited.. hoping and praying that she would want to meet.  That I could look into her eyes and see my son even just one more time....

Then,, my phone rang about a month ago.....

M: Hi,, is this Rhonda?

Me: Well that depends,, who's calling please?

M:  My name is Madison,, I am the recipient of.....

Me: Tears and sobs all over the place!!!

we talked for about 10  minutes,, she wanted to meet!!  Her family wanted to meet, to say thank you.. to have my family over for dinner.   I explained that it was just me, my other children lived in St George, and asked if I could bring my boyfriend with me, and was told absolutely!

We agreed we would get together and decided on June 5th.  I had a knot in my stomach the entire weekend.  Tom and I headed down Sunday evening.. into Lehi,, yep,, they live that close,, :-)

As he opened my car door, I just looked at him and thought,, don't throw up!  He just smiled and we walked up the driveway.  Madison was there with her sister and her two brothers in law.  She walked up to me, smiled and just wrapped her arms around me and hugged me so tight!  OH MY HEART!!!  Amazingly not one tear fell from my eyes!  *yes Tom and I both were expecting a tear fest to be honest!*  the peace that filled my heart... I looked at her and just KNEW that this is what Levi wanted... this was all in place long before we ever came to earth.  I turn around and there is a woman walking towards me, tears in her eyes as she wraps me in her arms and I hear her say "THANK YOU!   Thank you so very much,, we are family now,, forever!  THANK YOU!!"  (yea I teared up a little but still NONE fell!!)

I handed Madison a book of pictures I had printed off of Levi, hoping she would be ok with it, I just wanted them to see who he was.. how incredible he was,, all that he was... They looked through the pictures.. we talked... we laughed,, I shared memories of him.  Madison's mom said to me,, I saw you on the news that night,, I heard your story, and something just told me this was the one,, this was who was going to help Madison....

OH MY HEART!

We sat out on their deck after dinner talking and laughing.. sharing stories,, Madison participated in the Miss Lehi pagent the day before and is 1st runner up,, is that the terminology??  WAY TO GO MADISON!! ,, She is now working at the Eye Bank, and loving it.

I don't remember how it came up, but she was looking off into their field and said something like,, I can't see it... and her mom says "Use your Levi eye then!" Oh we laughed so hard!!  I told her she had permission to blame all the good on Levi's influence on Madison.

We left feeling completely loved, and like family.  I hope we can continue to stay in contact and I can't wait to see all this fantastic young lady accomplishes in her life!!!

We met as strangers, left as family.  They hold a very special part of my heart.

Madison and I

Madison, me and her mom. 💚💖💜

There were a couple things said throughout the night that let us know that Levi was right there... one that I remember was when Madison and her sister started doing "your mom" comments, and Angela joined right in!! I just sat back and laughed so hard,, and thought,, "Ok buddy,, got it,, you're here,, you're right here, in this room with us!!!  Thank you!!!"  *yea now I have tears in my eyes,, blink them back,, it's a good makeup day!*  and I wish I could remember the other one,, we were sitting at the dinner table, and something was said, YES!!!  Thank you Alex!!, Maddys sister just reminded me,,,, 

Alex was talking to her,, ugh I think it was her husband?, may have been her dad,, I hate widow rain!, and she something to the effect of,, why are you not being useful,, go make me a sammich!!

I laughed so hard!!!  Levi thought it was hilarious to tell me to get in the kitchen and make him a sammich, something he picked up from his oldest brother just before he left on his mission,,,,

and I just thought,, Yep,, Levi's here. 

Mother's day, Wedding Anniversary, Memorial Day, Father's day (pity party post,, you've been warned!)

The months of May and June,, I want to hide.  If I could run away and vanish for 60 days I totally would.  If I could afford to pay my bills, and hide from reality for 2 full months,, I would.  I told Todd a long time ago, when he first got sick,, If he died, I wouldn't be that weepy wife that went to his grave repeatedly,, it's something I struggle with,, I don't like going.. I cry,, *I have an UGLY cry face*, I know they aren't there, and I really don't like seeing my name on the headstone.. and I have guilt over NOT going... I feel like a horrible wife and mother.  I still don't like going.  I guess I am scared of getting sucked into the whole grief thing.  I really don't want to live there.. in the grief.. I like being happy,, I like laughing, and loving, and seeing the good in things.. I hate dwelling on the sad.... then comes May and June,, *and no I still haven't gone to the cemetery yet this weekend,, not sure I will,, judge away,, I don't care*

Mother's day,, it's become bittersweet... only 2 of my kids even talk to me right now.  3 will have nothing to do with me, and it kills me.  I blame other influences,,, and little seeds of hatred that were planted years ago, by others.  I just have to trust it will all come out in the end and they will see how very much I love them still. I did get multiple texts from my missionary boys and other "kids" that call me Mum...  Love them all!! Each one!!!  And thank you for the texts of love and well wishes!! I love all my kids, more than they will ever fully comprehend!

Wedding anniversary's,, I am at as much of a loss as to what to do as you guys are.. do I mention it?  Do you wish me a happy anniversary?  Do we just ignore it and pretend it's just another day?  My oldest son texted me "Happy Anniversary Mum!"  (It's on the 27th of May) My oldest daughter posted that it was the best thing I ever did for them was marry their dad.  And that's all that was said.  I managed to hold it together really well at work,, walked through the front doors and fell apart... Sobbing I called my Mum.  I haven't fallen apart like that in months... Uncontrollable sobs... couldn't talk, could barely breathe, just wanted to let the pain consume me for the first time in a very long time.  I miss him... I want him back... I love him... I hate him for leaving me,, I yelled at his picture... called him a shit for leaving me, for not waiting for me to get home.. for being on the road at that time, on that day.... I cried into my pillow,,, I let my mum hear my sobs, hear my heart breaking all over again,,, I try to hold it together, and for the most part I think I do a damn good job!  I mean I am still here,, haven't locked myself in my car in a garage, or vanished like I would love to on many occasions..  but for some reason, on Friday, I just let it all hit me when I walked in my front door.  14 years... we have been married 14 years,, I think maybe that day deserved a little recognition, even if it was me cussing out a picture and sobbing for what felt like an hour, *actually about 10 minutes*

I am so grateful for friends, who, despite going through their own personal hell, continue to call me, check on me,, keep me busy when they KNOW I can't be alone, despite me telling them I am ok..

I get a text from one friend last night,, "I know some times are so much tougher than others,, I don't presume to know which yours are, but given the Memorial Day weekend, Know you're in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope you have a fun weekend with friends and family! :-) "

Spent Friday, after the cry fest, all day Saturday and part of Sunday with one of my best friends... I call her Squirrel,, don't ask... I won't tell you why...  We laughed, we cried, we shared stories, we ate  crap we both knew we shouldn't!  and we didn't care!! We drove, we had a garage door come off it's track and come slamming down on both of us and we laughed even harder...  I head home Sunday morning and get a text saying "I  would just like to say that you're kicking butt.  I love you and you're doing amazing.  And I'm excited to play again!"  How did she know I was sitting here,, letting the tears fall again? I tell her I love her and she claims to love me more,, we agree to disagree.

I get another text from my inseparable sister,,  got plans for dinner?  No? See you at 2.

How do they know, right when I need them??  I think back to how we all met.. and honestly, the only ones that knew me before the accident is my inseparable sister and her family,, but, and I hate to say this,, I knew her husband better, , he was in my bishopric.. She taught Sunday School and supported my love for Chocolate... but that was the extend of our friendship.. the other two, and so many others,, I never would've met.. and I can't imagine getting through this crap race without each of them.  Every single one of them have impacted me in ways they will NEVER fully comprehend or know, and I can NEVER repay them.  Not once have they ever told me I need to be over this.. or I need to move on,, or rolled their eyes as they hear a funny leviism that I have told them about 100 times before.. or a funny about Todd,, or,,, or,,, or...

Father's day is coming... I worry about my kids,, all of them... I wish I could take this gapping hole from them.. and fill it... I wish they didn't have to miss their dad, and their brother.. I wish, I wish, I wish!  I worry about saying the wrong thing to them,,, I worry about saying something when they want to hear nothing,, or not saying anything when they want to hear something... pretty much I worry about what I know you worry about when talking to me... *fyi you don't need to worry about ever talking to me about them,, EVER!*

I get comfort from knowing I, or family, am not the only one that thinks about them.  I like hearing from my friends that they see Levi in their kids,,, or that they think about how Levi and their boys would be such good friends...

I guess I have rambled long enough,,, again.... thank you.. seems insignificant, but it's all I have... thank you for loving me,, for listening to the promptings of "hey text her"  "call her"  Thank you for tolerating my ramblings, my repeated stories.. my tears..

I will pull up my socks, and keep putting one foot in front of the other, like I have every other day for the last 17 months,,I will keep smiling, enjoying life, doing things I never thought I would get to do, and appreciate the things that matter...

Guess I just needed to let the damm gates open this weekend.. seems fitting as it's half way between Mother's day and Father's day... and it's our anniversary,,,  every once in awhile,, the tears just need to fall.

<3 <3 <3

Camping... and Memories

Something I have enjoyed as a teenager in youth groups,,

There is just something about sleeping outside, that helps me... always has.  Probably always will...

Never did much of it when the kids were little,, Todd was too busy with work, and the thought of packing stuff up for 5-8 people to rough it in a tent, with little to zero privacy, did NOT appeal to me,,, being as it was me that was expected to pack up everything, including the kitchen sink.. what fun is there in that,, then watching the kids like a hawk because we have all heard the stories of kids wandering off in the woods and never returning.. No thanks.  Then Todd got sick, and the thought of him getting an infection because we were enjoying the great outdoors made it even less appealing.

So when we, Tom and I, got invited to go to Moab with friends this last weekend.... I was completely excited!!  And grateful that Tom is an outdoorsy guy and had everything we needed.  Because I had given away all the boys camping stuff from scouts before I moved, so I have ONE sleeping bag with a broken zipper  hahaha.

We took off Friday after work and got into camp late, like 2 am.. we met Mandi and Christie and their families there, they were able to leave Friday morning, lucky dogs!   Saturday we got up early,, well, not really early because we are camping after all,, but early for not getting to bed before 3 am, and we headed out to hike a few trails.

Hiking is NOT my thing.  I get winded and realize exactly how out of shape I am,, and I hate it... I love the hiking part, not the winded, can't breath, man I am fat feeling that I get when I hike.  We did easy trails because we had 6 kids under 12 with us, and 2 sets of grandparents and a pregnant lady. It was so much fun!! We hided to the North and South Windows in Arches National Park, then we headed over to the Double Arches and WOW!!!  It continues to amaze me what nature can and will do when given the chance.  Such incredible beauty!!!

We drove around to the look out points for the Delicate Arch, and hiked those little paths,, ok,, only the lower view point was a little path,, no big deal, the upper view point,,, HOLY CRAP!!!!  steep, and so much FUN!! Yep I said it,, it was fun!! It is always invigorating to see what you can accomplish!!  I was winded, to say the least, but the sense of accomplishment was HUGE!!  We were going to get up the next morning and do the hike right to the arch, but, alas, our old bones hurt and were not happy with the 16,000+ steps and 7 miles we did on saturday, so it is in our plans to do it next time we go.. and there will be a next time.

We had such an amazing time.. we unplugged and just spent time with each other and our friends.... (it's mutually beneficial to have mutual friends right from the day you start dating!)

We hiked, we joked, we played cards, we laughed harder than either of us have laughed in a very long time.  We came home feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and like both of our loads had been greatly lightened.

SUMMER CAN COME ANYTIME NOW!!!

Levi Listening to The Lazy Song

Levisms.

Because I need to be able to find them when I need to smile through the tears. 

All that is Levi. 

Feb 25/2014

Levi just walked in and said "hey dad what does robin say?"  I say what?  Levi says " hey I'm robin and I'm robbin you!"  Then he walks away and says "I am hilarious!"

Feb 26/14

Levi tells me I need to restock the Capri Sun in the fridge.  I tell him no I don't because I already did.  He then tries to claim he knew and was "tricking" me.  I told him I was not tricked.  He tells at me.....  "You got tricked and you are gonna be happy about it!"  Lol

August 9,2015

For the first time since the accident I dreamt of Levi.  We walked together, I don't remember where and we talked. But we spent the entire night together.

Happy birthday to me.  

May 10/2014

I left this note for Levi when I went to work

"Levi, do these and I will pay you $10.  One load of towels, clean the kitchen, sweep, mop, counters, clean your bathroom, clean your room, take out the garbage. I love you! Mum"

At 7 am I get a call from him:

L:  mum, you know that list you left for me?

M: yea?

L: it's like impossible for a kid like me to get all that done before you get home. 

M: a kid like what?

L: like me Mum!

M: you mean lazy?

L: Muuuuuuuuuum! No! A kid who gets distracted easily... *insert whinny voice* there's no way!

M: well. You can do them and get a little bonus or you can wait til I get home from work, lose all your electronics and do them anyway,,,,,, FOR FREE!

L: "insert super whiney voice*. THATS NOT FAIR!

M: I gotta go bud! You decide! I love you!! Bye

I find out later he goes in and wakes up his dad and says "Dad, you know how sometimes I'm not respectful and you have to talk time about manners and teach me...?

D: yea,,, why? (No clue what has previously transpired!)

L: you need to give mum some manners lessons. She just hung up on me and I wasn't even getting cranky yet! 

Oh little boy how I love you 

I have more tucked away. And will add to this as they pop up.  

Found another one today!!  I love when these pop up... (08/19/16)

Here's another one

Mr and Mrs Johnson

I have been wanting to blog for a few weeks, and keep putting it off!! Knowing I would be blogging about April 23rd and the  events of that incredible day!  :-)

My parents came down from Canada, on the 21st and spent the night in my apartment.  the 22nd we all got up and got ready to head down to St George for the wedding of my oldest son to his best friend.

Tom got off work earlier than normal but later then he had requested, my parents went ahead to St George and got to spend time with Kenz and Jeff and see their new house that they had just closed on that afternoon, and Tom and I followed at 5 pm.  We took the bike down, and BOY HEADWIND SUCKS BUTT!!  HAHA  Took us 6 hours to get to St George,, that is a really long time when I am used to getting there in 4.  BUT I would do it again in a heartbeat!  I love being on the back of his bike, just enjoying the feeling of freedom and being with someone that I truly care about and enjoy being with.  We got to St George about 11 pm.. being on a bike in the dark is nerve racking as well, but it is what it is, and although we left later than either of us wanted, we missed a fatal bike accident in the opposite direction on the I-15, so we are grateful for that "intervention" that helped us get there safe and sound!

Saturday morning we got up, got ready and headed to the St George temple.  YAYAYAYAYAYAYA  Being the mother of the Groom was so completely amazing!  I was anxious about how much Todd would be missed today... Levi too, but Todd has a chair in the sealing room, that is just for the Mom and Dad of the Bride and Groom,, and his chair was for my dad, Jake's Papa today,... I let the tears fall,, as I saw my dad sitting there,, not sad, not really.   I missed him,, horribly, but right from the first thing in the morning, Todd let me know he was there!!!!  Right up until the end of the night!!!  I have a necklace that I wear, that has Levi's writing on one side engraved on it, and Todd's on the other.   I wear it so Levi's is showing and Todd's is closer to my heart.. I lost count of how many times I looked down and saw Todd's handwriting facing up... 1) walking into the temple, 2) getting dressed in my white dress (required for weddings in the st george temple) 3) sitting in the sealing room looking at my dad, 4) when Jake and Emily were making their vows 5) as Karman and I walked out of the sealing room with our children in front of us... the list goes on and on...

*What I completely appreciate and love, is that I shared this with Tom and his reaction was "are you serious? how awesome is that?  WOW!"  sincere and full of love and awe*

I sat in the sealing room, looking at the standing room only filled room, full of people from all over that love these two kids so much they sacrificed their Saturday to share in their happy day!  Traveling from Vegas, Canada, Arizona, California,, all over,, seriously!!!

We went from the temple to the luncheon where we got to visit and just enjoy each other's company!!!  And then rest,, well we rested, the bride's family went and finished decorating for the reception that was SO FREAKING AMAZING!!! *before y'all say I should've been there helping,, haha I was told no!*

The reception was simply incredible,, They introduced the bridal party, had a shoe game that was so freaking funny!!!  Bride and groom sit back to back with one of their shoes, and one of the other persons shoes in each hand,, they are asked questions and answer by holding up the appropriate shoe,, without knowing how the other has answered,, yea they both cheated a little,, but it was so fun to was them! Then there was the Father/daughter dance, which brought tears to my eyes,, and yep, looked down and my necklace was flipped again!  Ok Todd,, got the message,, you are here!!  And I pray both our kids felt your presence!!!

Then the mother/son dance, man I love my son!!!   When did he grow up into such an incredible man?  Parents hear this,, when people tell you the time goes by fast and you are gonna miss whatever it is you are struggling with with your kids,, TRUST THEM!!!  It seems like just yesterday I was holding him in my arms as a new born!!  How has it been 21 years??

SO many people came to show love and support,, I am so overwhelmed and in awe of the out pouring of love for our families!!! Seriously, I am the wealthiest person on this entire earth!!!!!


We sent off the happy couple at 9 to enjoy a mini moon in Mesquite and the party shortly wrapped up after that.. They did come back Sunday for a few hours so we could watch them open presents, which was so much fun!!!

Now Mom and Dad are on their way home,, Kenz and Jeff are getting ready to move into their NEW HOME that they just closed on, Jake and Emily are working and wrapping up finals before they go on their honeymoon, Karman and Ken are recovering I am sure,, I HOPE!!!  (Thank you so so so very much for all you did to make our kids special day beautiful and amazing for them!!!!  And I am so glad we are family!!!!!)

And I think I get a breather before the next big day OCTOBER 1!  <3 <3 <3


My cup truly runneth over!  These are just a few pics,,, the rest are on my Facebook!    if you want to see them and can't let me know

Such a truly amazing day! Thank you seems so little to all of you who played a bigger part than you can ever comprehend!  I am seriously brought to tears when I think of how very loved these two are,, our whole family is... and you never cease to amaze me with your outpouring of love and support,, it is all I have though,, so Thank you,, from the deepest depths of my heart and soul.