It is a time of year I have just been numb through the past two years. I want to hide. To disconnect my phone. To curl up in bed and sleep the entire month of December and part of January away, would be a dream come true. Alas, my family had much better plans.
I got a call from Jake asking me to come down,, admittedly I blew him off, and appeased him with the answer of,,, "we will see what the weather looks like ok bud?, I am honestly ok with just staying here, and I certainly do NOT want you or Kenz driving up here if the roads suck"
Then Kenz called an asked me to come down, only she wouldn't accept the same answer I gave Jake.
K: Mum, we want you here for Christmas
M: I know, but if anything happened driving down there, or you guys up here... I would rather just know you are safe.
K: ok we will play it by ear but we really want you down here with us! Bring Tom and the boys..... he can drive,,,,,,
Off we went,, we were going to take my car but with the winter storm watch that was pretty much state wide, we took his truck, thank heavens! The roads were great on the way down, a little wet, no snow falling YAY!! *not too bad on the way home either, except between Filmoore and Nephi*
We got there Friday, and just relaxed and watched movies. Saturday we got up and did a few last minute things that needed to be done before the stores closed.
Jake came over and we had lunch and played games,, Cards Against Humanity,*yes it really is one of our favorites*, Kenz and Jeff introduced us to Cranium,, hahaha, we seriously just laughed so freaking hard.
Then Kenz and Jeff went out with Jeff's mom to a Christmas Eve Service, Tom and the boys hung out at the house, (gotta love stomach issues! :-( ) And I ran to Jacob's inlaw's to see my sweet daughter in law and her family. When I got back to the house, Kenz, Jeff, Christie, Tom and I went and looked at Christmas lights,, there are some St George Peeps that KNOW how to do lights! Seriously impressive!!! We got back to the house and opened our Christmas eve present,,, Thanks Smiths for Jammies at 70% off!!
Christmas Day was amazing, we had yummy cinnamon rolls for breakfast and waited for everyone to wake up, while Kenzie started preparing an A-MAZING dinner!! Ham with a cranberry honey glaze,,, OMG YUM, homemade scalloped potates, greenbeans and bacon, and homemade cream corn. Christie got there and we opened presents.... serious spoilage going on all over the place!!
Jake and Emily came over and we ate an early dinner, so the four of us wouldn't be driving back in crappy weather, and there was even time to play another new game,, battle of the sexes,,, OH MY HELL!!!! if you don't have this game, you need it!! it is HILARIOUS!!
It was so much fun... the love and spirit that was there was incredible.
As much as we missed Todd and Levi, their presence was definitely felt.... especially when I playfully punched Jake in the chest, inadvertantly breaking his Dad's rayban sunglasses he has had,,, a few minutes later, Todd's facebook account got spammed or hacked or whatever, and "HE" posted an add for rayban sunglasses! We laughed at how ironic that was.
It was definitely a very funfilled weekend, full of love, happiness, making new memories, sharing old traditions, and just feeling at peace,, complete and utter peace, for the first time, with all of us together,, <3 <3 <3
I didn't want it to end...
From our house to yours,,, we wish you all all the best in 2017! May God's grace and Love be felt all year.
Monday, December 26, 2016
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
SIGH!,,, Heaven on Earth...
This post was started a few days ago,,,
some days it is all I can do to even open my eyes in the morning... never mind function as a human being, and not zombie like! Lately they've all been hard. I get up, go to work, go over to Tom's for a bit,, when his schedule allows, then come home, shower, and go to bed. Zombiestance,, seriously how I feel most days lately, going through the motions of "living". But today,, the void in my heart was tangible. I have been on the brink of tears for the last few weeks, and some days I let them fall and other days,, I fake it.... today I faked it... kept it hidden. I am working on not letting them out at work... only because I am so freaking tired of crying!! HONESTLY,,,, how is it I can run out of willpower yet seem to have an endless supply of tears??? I would rather run out of tears,, just saying'!
Fast forward to today.
I am headed to spend the afternoon with these two angels and their siblings as soon as they get home from school. My chaos. My happy place.
On my way, I did something I have not done is almost two years.. I stopped by the accident site.. I put my hazards on, and just sat there. The weather was pretty much the same as it was the last time I came down to the site.,,, snow trying to melt and fighting to stay. I didn't stay long, just long enough to remember, to try to envision the events that unfolded,, to wonder what their last thoughts were.. did they think of me,, of his children,, of his siblings... did they.... no I can't go there again,, I feel like I am taking 10 steps backwards...
I put my car in drive, turn the hazards off and my signal on, and get back on the road and head to my inseparable sister's house. I walk in and am greeted by Gramma, (sista had an appointment and hubby went with her), and the absolute cutest smile ever, this little girl just grinned from ear to ear! Man I love this girl so much!! Donny,, bless his heart, looks at me and says "Hi Wonna!!! You here!" and gives me a big hug! I sit and Gramma and I talk a bit about how awesome her daughter is and how much of a strength the entire family is to me... as Gramma is getting ready to leave, I pick up my angel girl and smooch on her cheek... keep in mind this is a 1 yr old as I tell you this part,,, I pulled her into me for a quick hug and this little one snuggled right in! Not a "I'm tired so I am gonna lay my head down" but more a "I gotchu Auntie,, you had a rough day? here's an angel hug!" She rested her chin on my shoulder and pulled her arms around my neck. How did she know,,, she never will understand, how very much she has helped my heart heal... for about 20 of the 30 seconds she stayed there and held me, I felt the arms of my angel boy around my neck. It was a feeling I was starting to forget. I felt him latch his fingers behind my neck, I felt his breathe on my shoulder and his shaggy hair tickle my cheek. And I felt him let go, and at that moment that precious angel girl lifted up her head, looked at me and smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen, and put her head back on my shoulder. OH MY HEART!!! It's a huge thing to put on such a little girl, but that sweet baby was sent here at this time for a reason,, and forgive me for being selfish, *I know she has helped others heal* ,, she is my angel girl. She has such an amazing power to heal and just make all that is wrong in "my world" right. I am so eternally grateful for the way things happened that cold December night. I am forever thankful that, and this is hard for me to say because I would NOT wish this on anyone, my inseparable sister, and my bigger, younger brother were the ones that were right there that night,, that were with my husband and my baby boy the last few seconds of their lives,, that they knew who they were,,, that it wasn't a stranger that tried to help my boys... that it wasn't a stranger that said their names... If they didn't die immediately, that it wasn't a strangers voice they heard... that is what gives me comfort.
It wasn't someone I would never see again, it was someones, that would become my rock, my safe place, my hug, my sister, my brother, my nieces and nephews, my healing spot, my chaos, my family.
They have hugged me and shed tears with me when I cry, laughed with me over memories, shared parts of their lives with me, they really never had to,, at all. They share in my joy, encourage me, and love me without judging me *at least they don't judge me to my face hahaha* I can not express enough how very much I love this family. No matter how I feel when I walk in,, I always, ALWAYS walk out the front door with a smile on my face and my heart more than full... and that just feels good.
I am headed to spend the afternoon with these two angels and their siblings as soon as they get home from school. My chaos. My happy place.
On my way, I did something I have not done is almost two years.. I stopped by the accident site.. I put my hazards on, and just sat there. The weather was pretty much the same as it was the last time I came down to the site.,,, snow trying to melt and fighting to stay. I didn't stay long, just long enough to remember, to try to envision the events that unfolded,, to wonder what their last thoughts were.. did they think of me,, of his children,, of his siblings... did they.... no I can't go there again,, I feel like I am taking 10 steps backwards...
I put my car in drive, turn the hazards off and my signal on, and get back on the road and head to my inseparable sister's house. I walk in and am greeted by Gramma, (sista had an appointment and hubby went with her), and the absolute cutest smile ever, this little girl just grinned from ear to ear! Man I love this girl so much!! Donny,, bless his heart, looks at me and says "Hi Wonna!!! You here!" and gives me a big hug! I sit and Gramma and I talk a bit about how awesome her daughter is and how much of a strength the entire family is to me... as Gramma is getting ready to leave, I pick up my angel girl and smooch on her cheek... keep in mind this is a 1 yr old as I tell you this part,,, I pulled her into me for a quick hug and this little one snuggled right in! Not a "I'm tired so I am gonna lay my head down" but more a "I gotchu Auntie,, you had a rough day? here's an angel hug!" She rested her chin on my shoulder and pulled her arms around my neck. How did she know,,, she never will understand, how very much she has helped my heart heal... for about 20 of the 30 seconds she stayed there and held me, I felt the arms of my angel boy around my neck. It was a feeling I was starting to forget. I felt him latch his fingers behind my neck, I felt his breathe on my shoulder and his shaggy hair tickle my cheek. And I felt him let go, and at that moment that precious angel girl lifted up her head, looked at me and smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen, and put her head back on my shoulder. OH MY HEART!!! It's a huge thing to put on such a little girl, but that sweet baby was sent here at this time for a reason,, and forgive me for being selfish, *I know she has helped others heal* ,, she is my angel girl. She has such an amazing power to heal and just make all that is wrong in "my world" right. I am so eternally grateful for the way things happened that cold December night. I am forever thankful that, and this is hard for me to say because I would NOT wish this on anyone, my inseparable sister, and my bigger, younger brother were the ones that were right there that night,, that were with my husband and my baby boy the last few seconds of their lives,, that they knew who they were,,, that it wasn't a stranger that tried to help my boys... that it wasn't a stranger that said their names... If they didn't die immediately, that it wasn't a strangers voice they heard... that is what gives me comfort.
It wasn't someone I would never see again, it was someones, that would become my rock, my safe place, my hug, my sister, my brother, my nieces and nephews, my healing spot, my chaos, my family.
They have hugged me and shed tears with me when I cry, laughed with me over memories, shared parts of their lives with me, they really never had to,, at all. They share in my joy, encourage me, and love me without judging me *at least they don't judge me to my face hahaha* I can not express enough how very much I love this family. No matter how I feel when I walk in,, I always, ALWAYS walk out the front door with a smile on my face and my heart more than full... and that just feels good.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
He wasn't just a dog....
Saying goodbye is never easy.
This last week was hard for the Herridge family. On Halloween they lost a family member to cancer,,, cancer sucks. I can't believe in this day and age that we can carry a computer in our back pocket and have constant access to EVERYTHING, but we are still losing loved ones to cancer. We went to the funeral on Saturday, the 5th. I got to know an incredible woman that I never had the opportunity to meet. Although I never met her, I felt the loss her family felt.
CANCER SUCKS... that is all.
I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, especially when it comes to furbabies. I have had to bury 3 dogs,, muffy,sephie,, and Bruce... heart wrenching.. the first two had strokes and had to be put to sleep, Bruce died of a broken heart when she lost her two boys. Yea I bawled!
Tom was given a puppy by his boys last year, for father's day, I believe,,, a cute little black lab. Toby is his name... and he is the reason I was able to give Boston and Bentley to the Jacob family. I miss them horribly, HOWEVER, whenever I needed a dog fix I would head on down to Tom's and be greeted by the most loveable, bouncy, excited puppy to ever grace the earth. When I first met him he was a little leary of allowing me to be one of his People,, but within about three months, whenever Tom and I would pull up together, Toby would jump back and forth between us, trying to make sure we each knew he loved us.... he also had no qualms with letting me know Tom was his.,.. no if's, ands or buts. He also had no qualms letting his Dad know, he would protect me,, one time Tom and I were bantering in the kitchen and things got loud,,, not angry loud, just loud, and Toby came and stood right in front of me and just looked at his Dad.., we busted up laughing so hard.
Whenever I was at his house and Tom was at work, Toby would follow me around, lay at my feet while I was cooking, or lay next to me on the couch while I was watching TV, the second he heard Tom pull in the driveway, he would jump up and onto the couch in the living room, barking and whining in greeting while glancing back at me, at times running up to me as if to say "HE'S HOME!! HE'S HOME!! OPEN THE DOOR!!" then he would spend about 5 minutes minimum jumping up on Tom, and trying desperately to pull him down to his level.
To give you an idea of how incredible this pup was,,, when I got the email about Utah Lion's Eye Bank, I went to Tom's to open the email and read it, I knew the tears would fall. I was sitting at Tom's kitchen table.. sure enough the tears fell as I read the pamphlet, I just sat there, letting them fall as I do, and the next thing I know Toby has his big paws up around my neck, and he is desperately licking the tears off my cheeks, he would hop down,, walk over to Tom, bump into him slightly, look up at Tom with his sad brown eyes, and come back to me. That pup was so sad that I was sad,, almost to the point of distress... Tom and I looked at each other in shock, Toby had never before acted like that... mind you he lived in a testosterone filled home, so the opportunity to comfort is rare!! HAHAHA
This dog was special,, he was a gentle giant.. he loved his people.
He was hit by a car on Friday, and died.
He was not "just a dog" he was part of their family,, he was part of my family... the house is eerie quiet now,, we all miss the clicking of his toe nails on the hard wood floor,, every one of us miss hearing him paw desperately at the living room window when we pull up into the driveway.. We miss him laying at our feet as we work in the kitchen,, or draping himself over our necks on the couch,, bringing me a stick as I am leaving the house, so we can play fetch...
He is so much more than just a dog. This fur-baby is forever in our hearts. And he is missed daily.
I could only think of one thing and was a little apprehensive to tell Tom, because, well in all reality, this isn't my dog,, as much as I love him, he wasn't mine... and I in no way, wanted to "take away" from their loss... however, this brought the biggest smile to Tom's face when I softly said,,
"want to know what I am hoping and finding comfort in babe?... that he is up there playing with Levi, Levi always wanted a big dog"
Tom looked at me, smiled, and said "That would be awesome!"
So Levi,, look after Toby,, Toby,, look after Levi, play fetch, kiss him right on the face,, jump on him,, Love him for me,, *and while you are at it,, irritate Todd,, as his allergies are no longer a problem!!!*, Take care of each other.... it's comforting to know
All Dogs Go To Heaven.
<3
This last week was hard for the Herridge family. On Halloween they lost a family member to cancer,,, cancer sucks. I can't believe in this day and age that we can carry a computer in our back pocket and have constant access to EVERYTHING, but we are still losing loved ones to cancer. We went to the funeral on Saturday, the 5th. I got to know an incredible woman that I never had the opportunity to meet. Although I never met her, I felt the loss her family felt.
CANCER SUCKS... that is all.
I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, especially when it comes to furbabies. I have had to bury 3 dogs,, muffy,sephie,, and Bruce... heart wrenching.. the first two had strokes and had to be put to sleep, Bruce died of a broken heart when she lost her two boys. Yea I bawled!
Tom was given a puppy by his boys last year, for father's day, I believe,,, a cute little black lab. Toby is his name... and he is the reason I was able to give Boston and Bentley to the Jacob family. I miss them horribly, HOWEVER, whenever I needed a dog fix I would head on down to Tom's and be greeted by the most loveable, bouncy, excited puppy to ever grace the earth. When I first met him he was a little leary of allowing me to be one of his People,, but within about three months, whenever Tom and I would pull up together, Toby would jump back and forth between us, trying to make sure we each knew he loved us.... he also had no qualms with letting me know Tom was his.,.. no if's, ands or buts. He also had no qualms letting his Dad know, he would protect me,, one time Tom and I were bantering in the kitchen and things got loud,,, not angry loud, just loud, and Toby came and stood right in front of me and just looked at his Dad.., we busted up laughing so hard.
Whenever I was at his house and Tom was at work, Toby would follow me around, lay at my feet while I was cooking, or lay next to me on the couch while I was watching TV, the second he heard Tom pull in the driveway, he would jump up and onto the couch in the living room, barking and whining in greeting while glancing back at me, at times running up to me as if to say "HE'S HOME!! HE'S HOME!! OPEN THE DOOR!!" then he would spend about 5 minutes minimum jumping up on Tom, and trying desperately to pull him down to his level.
To give you an idea of how incredible this pup was,,, when I got the email about Utah Lion's Eye Bank, I went to Tom's to open the email and read it, I knew the tears would fall. I was sitting at Tom's kitchen table.. sure enough the tears fell as I read the pamphlet, I just sat there, letting them fall as I do, and the next thing I know Toby has his big paws up around my neck, and he is desperately licking the tears off my cheeks, he would hop down,, walk over to Tom, bump into him slightly, look up at Tom with his sad brown eyes, and come back to me. That pup was so sad that I was sad,, almost to the point of distress... Tom and I looked at each other in shock, Toby had never before acted like that... mind you he lived in a testosterone filled home, so the opportunity to comfort is rare!! HAHAHA
This dog was special,, he was a gentle giant.. he loved his people.
He was hit by a car on Friday, and died.
He was not "just a dog" he was part of their family,, he was part of my family... the house is eerie quiet now,, we all miss the clicking of his toe nails on the hard wood floor,, every one of us miss hearing him paw desperately at the living room window when we pull up into the driveway.. We miss him laying at our feet as we work in the kitchen,, or draping himself over our necks on the couch,, bringing me a stick as I am leaving the house, so we can play fetch...
He is so much more than just a dog. This fur-baby is forever in our hearts. And he is missed daily.
I could only think of one thing and was a little apprehensive to tell Tom, because, well in all reality, this isn't my dog,, as much as I love him, he wasn't mine... and I in no way, wanted to "take away" from their loss... however, this brought the biggest smile to Tom's face when I softly said,,
"want to know what I am hoping and finding comfort in babe?... that he is up there playing with Levi, Levi always wanted a big dog"
Tom looked at me, smiled, and said "That would be awesome!"
So Levi,, look after Toby,, Toby,, look after Levi, play fetch, kiss him right on the face,, jump on him,, Love him for me,, *and while you are at it,, irritate Todd,, as his allergies are no longer a problem!!!*, Take care of each other.... it's comforting to know
All Dogs Go To Heaven.
<3
Friday, October 28, 2016
Organ donation
It wasn't his heart. It wasn't his lungs, or liver, it wasn't a limb or skin, or some other life altering organ... but it was,, for one girl and her family it was very life altering.., And it was his eye. I remember getting the phone call, someone on the other end,, offering condolences, asking if I had thought about organ donation, is it something I would be interested in... that's one job I would not want.... calling up a family member who had just lost someone they loved, and asking if they would let us cut them up and take out what was needed by another person. Heart wrenching to say the least.
I never even thought twice about it. YES! YES YES YES YES YES!.. if it could help someone then please,, take what you need, was my response, My heart physically hurt when I was told all they could take was Levi's cornea and parts of his heart. Healthy, vibrant, young 11 yr old boy has died, and because he didn't die in a hospital all they could take was those little insignificant things. Well they aren't so significant if you need them and yours don't work!!
In August of this year I got another call from the Utah Lions Eye Bank,, maybe it was an email, telling me they were redoing the pamphlet that they give to recipients and donors, and would I mind if they used our (my and Maddy's) story. Absolutely!! Anything to keep part of him here,, alive. So I sent her a picture that was taken just maybe a week before the accident. One that captures all of that sweet, funny, dorky, lovable young man I was blessed to have call me Mum!!
The lady emailed me yesterday a copy of the new pamphlet they will be handing out to Donor families and recipient families. I didn't open it until I got home, well to Tom's last night,,, I knew I would cry, and I knew I didn't want to be alone when I saw it for the first time.
I love it...
https://cdn.fbsbx.com/v/t59.2708-21/14736981_10154502735905638_4691851845000232960_n.pdf/Writing-to-Donor-f.pdf?oh=da2646d2b28f19feb72a5942e79ea1b8&oe=5815126E&dl=1
I never even thought twice about it. YES! YES YES YES YES YES!.. if it could help someone then please,, take what you need, was my response, My heart physically hurt when I was told all they could take was Levi's cornea and parts of his heart. Healthy, vibrant, young 11 yr old boy has died, and because he didn't die in a hospital all they could take was those little insignificant things. Well they aren't so significant if you need them and yours don't work!!
In August of this year I got another call from the Utah Lions Eye Bank,, maybe it was an email, telling me they were redoing the pamphlet that they give to recipients and donors, and would I mind if they used our (my and Maddy's) story. Absolutely!! Anything to keep part of him here,, alive. So I sent her a picture that was taken just maybe a week before the accident. One that captures all of that sweet, funny, dorky, lovable young man I was blessed to have call me Mum!!
The lady emailed me yesterday a copy of the new pamphlet they will be handing out to Donor families and recipient families. I didn't open it until I got home, well to Tom's last night,,, I knew I would cry, and I knew I didn't want to be alone when I saw it for the first time.
I love it...
https://cdn.fbsbx.com/v/t59.2708-21/14736981_10154502735905638_4691851845000232960_n.pdf/Writing-to-Donor-f.pdf?oh=da2646d2b28f19feb72a5942e79ea1b8&oe=5815126E&dl=1
That's a bigger picture and you can read what they printed. Below is a screenshot of the pamphlet. 💜
Someone once told me,, 'Levi is gone, he isn't here, he isn't living in the recipient...'
All I can think is He is here still... part of his dna,, part of what I helped create, is helping a very sweet young lady have a most adventurous life, helping others, doing what she can to make the world a better place for all she comes in contact with... I know she has made my world just a little better by being true to herself and loving and remembering my son on a daily basis *her words,, not mine* She and her family are now family to me, always will be. We may not see each other much, at all, but we love each other, we watch from a distance how one another are doing, and we reach out when needed.
Thank you,, thank you to the Utah Lions Eye Bank for keeping Levi's memory going.. for the compassion and love you have shown to our family. And thank you to my sweet girl Maddy, for reaching out to me to show love, and gratitude for something that could have just as easily been tossed in the garbage,, for allowing me to see that it has just as big of an impact on your life as a limb, a lung, a kidney.. *maybe not a heart because well that's a pretty intense organ ;-)*
Someone once told me,, 'Levi is gone, he isn't here, he isn't living in the recipient...'
All I can think is He is here still... part of his dna,, part of what I helped create, is helping a very sweet young lady have a most adventurous life, helping others, doing what she can to make the world a better place for all she comes in contact with... I know she has made my world just a little better by being true to herself and loving and remembering my son on a daily basis *her words,, not mine* She and her family are now family to me, always will be. We may not see each other much, at all, but we love each other, we watch from a distance how one another are doing, and we reach out when needed.
Thank you,, thank you to the Utah Lions Eye Bank for keeping Levi's memory going.. for the compassion and love you have shown to our family. And thank you to my sweet girl Maddy, for reaching out to me to show love, and gratitude for something that could have just as easily been tossed in the garbage,, for allowing me to see that it has just as big of an impact on your life as a limb, a lung, a kidney.. *maybe not a heart because well that's a pretty intense organ ;-)*
Monday, October 10, 2016
Blessings from Heaven
Canadian Thanksgiving,,, the ORIGINAL THANKSGIVING! yes it's true,, October was the original thanksgiving, for both USA and Canada, Until Abe Lincoln set it to the 4th Thursday of November during the civil war. :-) So, since I married an american we have celebrated both every single year for the last 14 years!! It has become an incredible tradition that we, as a family, love doing with our friends for Canadian and our Family for American thanksgiving! It also happens to fall relatively close to Todd's birthday so we have just always combined the two.
And we did it again this year! We do it on the Saturday before, so that Kenz, Jeff, Jake and Emily can come up and still get home at a decent time on Sunday. It was a fantastic time with great food, even better friends and family around us all!!
Kenz came up Friday and we spent some much needed time together just her and I friday night,, ,then we took Willow, my cute grand puppy, over to Tom's so his dog Toby, and Willow could play together,, it was hilarious to watch these two dogs interact and play! They are both relatively CLOSE to the same size, Willow is a walker coon hound, and Toby is a black lab,, so they could both play hard with each other!
Then Jake and Emily came up Saturday, and we ate with some of our friends that we call family, and visited, then Kenz headed home and Jake and Emily stayed until Sunday.
Sunday, we got the opportunity to go to my best friend's granddaughter's baby blessing! Oh what a precious little girl!! I motioned to my niece (they have called me aunt for 14 years) that I wanted to hold this little girl, and she passed her down,, she started fussing and I am whispering to her,, "shhh shhh, shh, it's ok, where did you just come from,, who do you see?" and she stops crying and looks over my left shoulder... looked at me and gave me the BIGGEST GRIN,, (remember when my inseparable sister had her baby and I asked her the same thing,, and she looked over my same shoulder and smiled????) yep,, tears,, just started falling,, right as her Nana, my bf, looked over and heard and saw what was going on,, I looked at my bf and just smiled through the tears. This precious little baby kept glancing over my shoulder, looking at me and smiling,, don't tell me the veil isn't thin.
Right as this is going on, the aaronic priesthood is getting ready to pass the sacrament, and I look up and see a young man, around the same age as Levi with the same stinkin' floppy hair. Oh my heart!! Emily and Jake notice too, and we all did a double take.
Sacrament is over and it's testimony meeting,,, I struggle with the first sunday of every month, have for a while now,, but guess who got up to bear his testimony,, Levi's doppleganger! I look up from my arms where Andi is sleeping, as soon as I hear his voice,.. this young man who looks so much like my baby boy starts bearing his testimony...
*I am paraphrasing here* "I am so honored to have the priesthood, it is an awesome responsibility, I love how it makes me feel, and that I can help those people that are struggling right now, and I know it's my responsibility as a priesthood holder to help those that need it, it is all our responsibility, to make sure those that are having a hard time, that they know they are loved by us and our Heavenly Father, and to help them come back...." He said so much more but the jist of it was that he knew th awesome responsibility he had, and he was prepared to do the work he was asked to do.
YOU GUYS,, I heard Levi saying it,,, HONESTLY HEARD THAT YOUNG MAN TALKING IN LEVI'S VOICE, saying that he was ready to do what he knew he has been asked to do... that he was more than ready for this awesome responsibility, that had been asked of him,, and he was with me all the time to let me know I am loved, and not alone,, even though I am struggling right now. Oh the tears that fell, my heart nearly burst out of my chest.
Then the bishop got up, right as the meeting was about to close... and talked about General conference, how his family had been giving 6 tickets to attend this incredible meeting our church has bi annually,, the only problem was, there are 7 in his family, so he sent his wife and their kids into the meeting and he stayed outside... and the thought came to him,, He has much work to do to make sure he isn't left behind.. because this is how it will be if he isn't worthy,, what if,,, what if in the next life, his wife and kids get to go to the Celestial Kingdom and he is told he has to go to a different kingdom, what if he hasn't done everything he can to ensure his eternal family is truly eternal and always together throughout the millennium?? WHAT IF.....?
Ok Todd, got it,, brick to my head. The spirit was tangible, What are the odds that I am in this ward, on this day and these things are being said? I wasn't going to go,, I find it easier to stay home on sunday's and rest than go to my ward. But this wasn't my ward... I went so I could show support to my bestie, and her family and their ward ended up helping me more than they will every know.
Let me just say this... Even though I am having a hard time right now, and struggling, *honestly who isn't?* I know that this is the true gospel,, I know my Father in Heaven loves me, and cries with me every single time tears escape my eyes, I know that MY Savior wants to smack me,, enfold me in His arms and tell me He's got this,, He has cried every single tear, felt every single piece of my heart shatter into a billion pieces, felt every string of anger, hatred, doubt, love, and forgiveness in my soul, and He would take it from me again if He could. I know I will see my husband and son again, I know my family is eternal, and I know I have a lot of work to do, to ensure that I am with them again! THIS I KNOW, and no one, not even the devil himself can take that knowledge from me.
I know.
And we did it again this year! We do it on the Saturday before, so that Kenz, Jeff, Jake and Emily can come up and still get home at a decent time on Sunday. It was a fantastic time with great food, even better friends and family around us all!!
Kenz came up Friday and we spent some much needed time together just her and I friday night,, ,then we took Willow, my cute grand puppy, over to Tom's so his dog Toby, and Willow could play together,, it was hilarious to watch these two dogs interact and play! They are both relatively CLOSE to the same size, Willow is a walker coon hound, and Toby is a black lab,, so they could both play hard with each other!
Then Jake and Emily came up Saturday, and we ate with some of our friends that we call family, and visited, then Kenz headed home and Jake and Emily stayed until Sunday.
Sunday, we got the opportunity to go to my best friend's granddaughter's baby blessing! Oh what a precious little girl!! I motioned to my niece (they have called me aunt for 14 years) that I wanted to hold this little girl, and she passed her down,, she started fussing and I am whispering to her,, "shhh shhh, shh, it's ok, where did you just come from,, who do you see?" and she stops crying and looks over my left shoulder... looked at me and gave me the BIGGEST GRIN,, (remember when my inseparable sister had her baby and I asked her the same thing,, and she looked over my same shoulder and smiled????) yep,, tears,, just started falling,, right as her Nana, my bf, looked over and heard and saw what was going on,, I looked at my bf and just smiled through the tears. This precious little baby kept glancing over my shoulder, looking at me and smiling,, don't tell me the veil isn't thin.
Right as this is going on, the aaronic priesthood is getting ready to pass the sacrament, and I look up and see a young man, around the same age as Levi with the same stinkin' floppy hair. Oh my heart!! Emily and Jake notice too, and we all did a double take.
Sacrament is over and it's testimony meeting,,, I struggle with the first sunday of every month, have for a while now,, but guess who got up to bear his testimony,, Levi's doppleganger! I look up from my arms where Andi is sleeping, as soon as I hear his voice,.. this young man who looks so much like my baby boy starts bearing his testimony...
*I am paraphrasing here* "I am so honored to have the priesthood, it is an awesome responsibility, I love how it makes me feel, and that I can help those people that are struggling right now, and I know it's my responsibility as a priesthood holder to help those that need it, it is all our responsibility, to make sure those that are having a hard time, that they know they are loved by us and our Heavenly Father, and to help them come back...." He said so much more but the jist of it was that he knew th awesome responsibility he had, and he was prepared to do the work he was asked to do.
YOU GUYS,, I heard Levi saying it,,, HONESTLY HEARD THAT YOUNG MAN TALKING IN LEVI'S VOICE, saying that he was ready to do what he knew he has been asked to do... that he was more than ready for this awesome responsibility, that had been asked of him,, and he was with me all the time to let me know I am loved, and not alone,, even though I am struggling right now. Oh the tears that fell, my heart nearly burst out of my chest.
Then the bishop got up, right as the meeting was about to close... and talked about General conference, how his family had been giving 6 tickets to attend this incredible meeting our church has bi annually,, the only problem was, there are 7 in his family, so he sent his wife and their kids into the meeting and he stayed outside... and the thought came to him,, He has much work to do to make sure he isn't left behind.. because this is how it will be if he isn't worthy,, what if,,, what if in the next life, his wife and kids get to go to the Celestial Kingdom and he is told he has to go to a different kingdom, what if he hasn't done everything he can to ensure his eternal family is truly eternal and always together throughout the millennium?? WHAT IF.....?
Ok Todd, got it,, brick to my head. The spirit was tangible, What are the odds that I am in this ward, on this day and these things are being said? I wasn't going to go,, I find it easier to stay home on sunday's and rest than go to my ward. But this wasn't my ward... I went so I could show support to my bestie, and her family and their ward ended up helping me more than they will every know.
Let me just say this... Even though I am having a hard time right now, and struggling, *honestly who isn't?* I know that this is the true gospel,, I know my Father in Heaven loves me, and cries with me every single time tears escape my eyes, I know that MY Savior wants to smack me,, enfold me in His arms and tell me He's got this,, He has cried every single tear, felt every single piece of my heart shatter into a billion pieces, felt every string of anger, hatred, doubt, love, and forgiveness in my soul, and He would take it from me again if He could. I know I will see my husband and son again, I know my family is eternal, and I know I have a lot of work to do, to ensure that I am with them again! THIS I KNOW, and no one, not even the devil himself can take that knowledge from me.
I know.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
10-1-2016
What an absolutely amazingly busy weekend it has been!! My baby girl got married to the man who loves her ALMOST more than anyone in the world! (I love her quite a bit!!)
Mum and Dad got here the Saturday before the wedding and I got to spent some time with them one on two, before things got hairy!! They headed down to St George on Thursday, and Tom and I followed on Friday. We got there in time to help put a few finishing touches up and run through the rehersal a couple times. Jeff's dad bought hawaiian food for the rehersal dinner and it was DELICIOUS!! Seriously amazing food! Then we went back to Mum and Dad's hotel and soaked in the hot tub with Dad, Dean, Mandy and their girls. Such a crazy hectic day, and so much fun!! Dean and Mandy came down from Fort MacMurray, spent a couple days in Vegas, then St George for the wedding, then Salt Lake area to see some friends, and now I think they are back in Vegas getting ready to fly home! I am so grateful they took time out of their busy schedule to make such a long trip down here for Kenzie and Jeff.
Saturday the girls got up early, Kenzie, Emily (Jake's wife), Mandy, Rach and Amy and I, and we went for pedicures and manicures. GUYS!,,, the place we went was really amazing!! They opened an hour early just for us! And took no other clients until we were finished.. They were very accomodating, and, they gave us a discount for those of us who got both mani/pedi's! Very impressed! and such a change from the place Mandy and I went in Lethbridge, who couldn't get us out of their salon fast enough!!! After our pampering session, we headed back to the venue to set up the center pieces and linens and make sure everything looked as stunning as the Bride wanted it,.. then I dropped her off, and one of her bridesmaids, at her house, and headed back to the hotel to check on Mr Bronchitis... (Poor Tom, he was sooo sick and tried so very hard not to let it affect the festivities! that man is a trooper!!!) I had him take me back to Mackenzie's so the girls could get ready.
I think it really hit me when I was helping her put on her dress.... she looked stunning. It hit me then that my children are married,,, they are grown ups... adults.... living their own lives..... and they are doing a damn good job at it too!
My dad preformed the ceremony, he got licenced in Canada, and was able to pronounce Kenz and Jeff as Man and Wife. Then the party began.... SO MUCH SUPPORT from all our friends and family!!! We danced the night away!!! We had friends and family,,, from Salt Lake, Henderson, Canada, Pittsburgh, Seriously!!! You guys are amazing!!!
After we sent the Bride and Groom off, the clean up began,, and man that went quick! HUGE thank you to everyone who stuck around and helped load up the truck!! we were done in about 45 minutes!!! Why is take down so much easier than putting up???
We met the next day at Kenz and Jeff's and had brunch and watched them open their gifts. It was an amazing weekend.
Mum and Dad headed home to Cardston, Tom and I headed back home to SLC, and Dean and Mandy headed up towards SLC to see some friends for a few days.
As I am headed home I get a call from one of my nieces from magrath, "Hey auntie,, whacha doin'?" I got a house guest for the night!! YAY!! I love it when my girls come to town and call me!! We got to visit for a few, and catch up, then she headed back home the next morning. (She had come down for General Conference) THEN I get a call from her Mom,, "are you home?" YAY!!!!! They were down for conference too! And I got to visit with her and her hubs for a couple hours and get all caught up. (this is one of my very best friends,, you know,, the one friend where you can go years without seeing each other and as soon as you meet up, it's like no time has passed,,, yep,, that's her!)
It has been a crazzy, insane, absolutely magical weekend. Full of family, friends, love, hopes and dreams!!! And I can't wait to watch my children fulfill their dreams!
<3 <3 <3 <3
waiting for the pictures from the wedding day still... <3
Mum and Dad got here the Saturday before the wedding and I got to spent some time with them one on two, before things got hairy!! They headed down to St George on Thursday, and Tom and I followed on Friday. We got there in time to help put a few finishing touches up and run through the rehersal a couple times. Jeff's dad bought hawaiian food for the rehersal dinner and it was DELICIOUS!! Seriously amazing food! Then we went back to Mum and Dad's hotel and soaked in the hot tub with Dad, Dean, Mandy and their girls. Such a crazy hectic day, and so much fun!! Dean and Mandy came down from Fort MacMurray, spent a couple days in Vegas, then St George for the wedding, then Salt Lake area to see some friends, and now I think they are back in Vegas getting ready to fly home! I am so grateful they took time out of their busy schedule to make such a long trip down here for Kenzie and Jeff.
Saturday the girls got up early, Kenzie, Emily (Jake's wife), Mandy, Rach and Amy and I, and we went for pedicures and manicures. GUYS!,,, the place we went was really amazing!! They opened an hour early just for us! And took no other clients until we were finished.. They were very accomodating, and, they gave us a discount for those of us who got both mani/pedi's! Very impressed! and such a change from the place Mandy and I went in Lethbridge, who couldn't get us out of their salon fast enough!!! After our pampering session, we headed back to the venue to set up the center pieces and linens and make sure everything looked as stunning as the Bride wanted it,.. then I dropped her off, and one of her bridesmaids, at her house, and headed back to the hotel to check on Mr Bronchitis... (Poor Tom, he was sooo sick and tried so very hard not to let it affect the festivities! that man is a trooper!!!) I had him take me back to Mackenzie's so the girls could get ready.
I think it really hit me when I was helping her put on her dress.... she looked stunning. It hit me then that my children are married,,, they are grown ups... adults.... living their own lives..... and they are doing a damn good job at it too!
My dad preformed the ceremony, he got licenced in Canada, and was able to pronounce Kenz and Jeff as Man and Wife. Then the party began.... SO MUCH SUPPORT from all our friends and family!!! We danced the night away!!! We had friends and family,,, from Salt Lake, Henderson, Canada, Pittsburgh, Seriously!!! You guys are amazing!!!
After we sent the Bride and Groom off, the clean up began,, and man that went quick! HUGE thank you to everyone who stuck around and helped load up the truck!! we were done in about 45 minutes!!! Why is take down so much easier than putting up???
We met the next day at Kenz and Jeff's and had brunch and watched them open their gifts. It was an amazing weekend.
Mum and Dad headed home to Cardston, Tom and I headed back home to SLC, and Dean and Mandy headed up towards SLC to see some friends for a few days.
As I am headed home I get a call from one of my nieces from magrath, "Hey auntie,, whacha doin'?" I got a house guest for the night!! YAY!! I love it when my girls come to town and call me!! We got to visit for a few, and catch up, then she headed back home the next morning. (She had come down for General Conference) THEN I get a call from her Mom,, "are you home?" YAY!!!!! They were down for conference too! And I got to visit with her and her hubs for a couple hours and get all caught up. (this is one of my very best friends,, you know,, the one friend where you can go years without seeing each other and as soon as you meet up, it's like no time has passed,,, yep,, that's her!)
It has been a crazzy, insane, absolutely magical weekend. Full of family, friends, love, hopes and dreams!!! And I can't wait to watch my children fulfill their dreams!
<3 <3 <3 <3
waiting for the pictures from the wedding day still... <3
Thursday, September 29, 2016
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
I have always been, what society would consider, overweight. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. To be honest, I wish I was as fat now as I thought I was in highschool!! haha Looking back at pictures from that time in my life, I was not as big as I thought I was. And honestly, if I had just grown another 6 inches, I would be perfect... according to society...
This all started when my parents and I were in Sam's club the other day, and my mum picked up a tub of Ginger snaps... yep,, cookies,, Memories of me or Todd calling my Dad on Christmas Eve, so Levi could talk to "Santa",, well Santa told Levi he loved ginger snaps,,, from that point on that was all we could leave out for him on Christmas eve,, Ginger snaps,.... so there I am in Sam's club, tears streaming down my face and laughing at the obserdity of it all and the joy that memory brought.. then, I was driving around Salt Lake with my Mum the other day, after work, and we started talking about Todd and Levi,, well I started talking,, and I said to her,, I just want to have a pity party for a minute. The tears flowed as I cried to her, How much does one person have to take? All I want is to be with my boys again... Kenz is getting married, Jake is married,, and here I sit... I dont want to be the strong one any more.. I don't want to do this any more. I. Am. Done!
I went on for a few more minutes and just let the tears falls,, it's been a bit since I have let the water works release from the flood gates, so it was probably needed.
And this thought has been haunting my brain ever since.... "What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see what I see?" Now this could be taken two ways,.,, one,, Our Heavenly Father asking US what do we see when we look in the mirror, and two,, us asking our friends, family and acquaintances,, what to they see when they look at us,, or themselves in the mirror,, do we see what others see?
Here is what I see when I look in the mirror,
Go,, look in the mirror,, and see if you can see what I see..
Love.
This all started when my parents and I were in Sam's club the other day, and my mum picked up a tub of Ginger snaps... yep,, cookies,, Memories of me or Todd calling my Dad on Christmas Eve, so Levi could talk to "Santa",, well Santa told Levi he loved ginger snaps,,, from that point on that was all we could leave out for him on Christmas eve,, Ginger snaps,.... so there I am in Sam's club, tears streaming down my face and laughing at the obserdity of it all and the joy that memory brought.. then, I was driving around Salt Lake with my Mum the other day, after work, and we started talking about Todd and Levi,, well I started talking,, and I said to her,, I just want to have a pity party for a minute. The tears flowed as I cried to her, How much does one person have to take? All I want is to be with my boys again... Kenz is getting married, Jake is married,, and here I sit... I dont want to be the strong one any more.. I don't want to do this any more. I. Am. Done!
I went on for a few more minutes and just let the tears falls,, it's been a bit since I have let the water works release from the flood gates, so it was probably needed.
And this thought has been haunting my brain ever since.... "What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see what I see?" Now this could be taken two ways,.,, one,, Our Heavenly Father asking US what do we see when we look in the mirror, and two,, us asking our friends, family and acquaintances,, what to they see when they look at us,, or themselves in the mirror,, do we see what others see?
Here is what I see when I look in the mirror,
- I see a little girl with rags in her hair because her hair holds curl amazingly well and she loves the way it bounces when it's curly.
- I see an adolescent going to school and struggling to make friends, never quite fitting in, but never really alone either.
- I see a teenager entering highschool, studying hard for every single C she got.
- I see a 20 yr old eagerly anticipating the birth of her first child, scared at the concept of being responsible for another human being.
- I see a young lady, rising out of the ashs of abusive relationships, and coming to the realization that what other's think, doesn't really matter. All that truly matters is that she is true to herself, and is the best Mum she can be for her children.
- I see a lady, strong in her faith, raising her daughter and son to be true to themselves, to stay close to the spirit.
- I see a lady struggling to make ends meet, and not let it affect her children
- I see a woman, who learned to trust again, and allows a man to love her as she deserves to be loved, and allows this man to love her kids and raise them as his own.
- I see a woman, strong, weak, happy, sad, part of her is missing, yet her desire to go on and continue to smile is greater than her desire to give up, and be done.
- I see a woman who is beautiful, not necessarily according to society's standards, but more to those that know her, those who have seen her at her worst, cheered her on, and loved her through it all, who have helped her get up time and time again, who have seen her smile when her whole entire world is crumbling around her...
Go,, look in the mirror,, and see if you can see what I see..
Love.
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