When does it stop hurting?

I have been asked this more lately... When does the pain stop? When does the heartache stop?  And my answer is always the same,, it doesn't.  We just learn to live with it.  It is our new normal.

I am sitting here watching a silly sitcom, and there is  a scene where Mom is having coffee with  "Jesus" and she asks why her (ex) husband had to die and He responds with "He has done all he needed to" she asks "why not me" and He says "you still have work to do with your daughter, and her children," she then asks, "when does it stop hurting?"  and He responds "when you wake up", she wakes up from her dream, and rolls over and hugs her daughter. 

I have asked my self those same questions so many times,, I have asked Him those questions so many times.

And for some reason, today, watching this show,, this hit me,,,, hard.  When you wake up....   when you realize you still have things to do, when you realize you still have loved ones that need you, when you realize that they are where they need to be and you are where you need to be,, when you realize you are so very far from alone.  That He is beside you every step of the way.  That is when the hurt lessens, when the tears slow down. And it doesn't happen at a set time,, or the same time for everyone.  We are all different.

I am still needed, my kids need me.  They don't seem like they do, but every once in a while I get a call from my son asking for help, I get a call from my daughter wanting to vent, or asking for a recipie, (how do you spell that word????)  I get a call from a friend, just wanting to talk. And, to be honest,  I like to think that Tom needs me too! (I know I need him!)

I was worried that the hurt had stopped all together.  I got through this last anniversary without tears, or loneliness, and it scared me.  It scared me when I realized I haven't cried in a few months, and thoughts of Todd and Levi brought a smile instead of tears.  My heart still aches, and I think of them daily,, like seriously daily!!  but the tears are no where near as often.  My kids and I talk about them and we laugh, we remember the happiness and not the dark day that everything changed. 

This December I deleted facebook off my phone for the month. ( I have it back on my phone, but I have turned off my notifications, and have the app "hidden" so I only look at it maybe once a day, so if you need me, message me or text me!)  I needed the break,, I needed to "wake up" I guess.  I needed to remember them with happiness and love, and not the sadness that seemed to follow. I still love talking about them, I still see their picture every day.  I still love them with my entire being.  And I still feel them with me.  Something has changed though.  I know the hole in my heart is still there, I know it always will be,, but there seems to be a silver lining around that hole now,, and I kinda like it!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

When asked what we want for Christmas, the grown up in us usually answers with something like "world peace".. or I want my kids to get a long, a happy season with family.. and the list goes on and on, all sounding the same.

This year is no different.  I wished for happiness for my babies and their spouses, for peace in my heart, and for a home filled with love.  Above all, I wanted to just enjoy the holiday.  For this year, I wanted happy memories, I wished for the hole in my heart to close just a little more, not forgetting, just not aching as in years past.

And that is what I have been blessed with!  Kenz and I talked and she told me she was taking facebook off her phone for the month,, again not to forget her Dad and brother, but to remember the happiness and not that horrid day,, I followed suit and took it off my phone.  What a blessing it has been!!  The 13th of December came and went, I called my kidlets and told them I loved them, and worked.  My work sent me flowers to let me know they were thinking of me, and that is when I cried!, the thought that some people who have never met my guys have been touched by them.  It's very surreal.

We went to St George for the weekend on the 20th of December, and had an early Christmas with my kids.  We went to see Aquaman on Friday, ice skating on Saturday, the Live Nativity Saturday night, and then we opened presents.  Man my kids spoil us!!  Kenz and Jeff made a beautiful scrabble board with all our names on it, our entire families,, Including their dad and Levi, and Tom's kids.  I love that they have accepted Tom as family and welcomed all of them into our lives.  Jake and Emily put together the cutest date night box for Tom and I,, complete with chocolate tasting and crafts.. seriously love that they all put so much thought into their gifts for us.  We gave Emily a blanket she can wear, that girl loves blankets, Jake got a Chewie Build a bear and star wars mugs for  both of them.  Kenz got a homemade sign with the nicknames she and Jeff gave each other in highschool.

We got home Sunday, and I was off on monday, so I cooked a turkey, ham and scalloped taters, for dinner, after dinner we opened presents, being as I had to work Christmas day, and let's be honest, the kids are not 10,, and getting them up in the mornings just suck!! lol  Tom overcompensated for forgetting jammies for me last year and bought me two pairs of jammies,, bless his heart! lol He also bought me a utah utes shirt, a concealed carry purse for my 9mm that I got as well!!!

It's been a quiet month, one for reflecting on what is important, and what really matters.  We took a few minutes and remembered those we have loved and love still that have passed on.  It's been a year of moving forward.  The first year was hard,, the second year, sucked,, just sucked,, the third year I was numb and this year, I feel like me again.  The one who loves Christmas, who had every reason in the world to celebrate the love and birth of our Saviour.  Thank you for all your love and support, and continued friendship.

May the true spirit of Christmas fill your home and your hearts for all of 2019.

And God bless us, everyone <3 <3 <3

The world just keeps going

Even when your world stops abruptly, the earth just keeps going, people go about their daily lives, with no idea what is going to happen in the next second....


So much has happened since I last blogged,, Thomas, Tom’s oldest, got married in October.  November was quite, we celebrated Thanksgiving and worked.. haha adulting sucks sometimes!

I can’tt remember all that has happened to be honest. I did get a promotion at work,became certified in Education and was able to travel to Massachusetts for work, for a week at the end of October.  IT was amazing!!  and a huge feat for me,, I was able to travel, get my car, and maneuver the roads without having one panic or anxiety attack, that’s saying alot as I rarely drive in Utah without having one, I also, now get to work from home, which has been incredible this last week.  I love not having to drive anywhere,, I can do my workout and come to work,, and shower after work! LOL It’s a perk!!



As the 4th anniversary of the accident comes closer, I am constantly wondering what trigger will happen to push me over the edge this year.  The last three years have been so hard, the emptiness that creeps in.  This year, I still did most of my shopping online, but there was excitement in doing it.. Finding just the right gift for my kids and everyone else.  It didn’t really hit me when December 1st came,, I just didn’t notice.. no it hit me today, when pics of Levi’s last school assemble, and Todd waiting in the car for the assemble to start,  came up on my phone this morning.  My eyes welled up a bit, my heart ached a little more than normal,, and I let my mind wander to where we would be if the accident had not happened?  I am pretty sure I would not have the friends I have in my life now, as 90% of them met me after the accident.  I am not sure where I would be working, If I still would be at Smith’s or somewhere else.. Would Todd have gotten his kidney by now? Levi would be going to SunSet Ridge, finishing 9th grade, which is just mind blowing to me.  I have to keep doing the math to remember what grade he would be in.  All these questions come to mind, and I am so thankful for all the support and love that I feel on a daily basis since the accident. 



I know I will still hurt this season, this year, I know I always will,, I guess what they say is true,, you just learn to live with it.  You move forward, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and pray that someone reaches out and catches you when you stumble or fall.  You give yourself time, time to be angry, time to cry, time to help your children, time to heal, time to be.You learn to ask for what you need, instead of portraying strength, you portray, not weakness, but.... grief?, I am not sure what to call it.  We tend to put up a wall,, "No I don\"t need anything"  I am good, thank you, when our mind is screaming,, HUG ME, HOLD ME, HELP ME...



Right now my heart is in Virginia, with a friend of mine who was just about to be called as the Relief Society President in our ward, when all this happened. I vividly remember her and two other ladies coming to my house that night, and cleaning,, dishes, picked up levi\"s room so people to sleep there, when they got there, I just sat on the couch numb.  About a week ago her husband passed away in his sleep.  Not sure why, he just did.  And I desperately wanted to go to her, to clean her house and pick up as she had done for me. But I couldn\"t..All I could do was text and call her.  My heart hurts for the pain her and her kids are feeling this holiday season, I know it all too well.  I want to shield them from it.  Take it from them so that her and her children do not have to feel what we have felt. And all I can do it call her or text her. How do I tell her it gets better,, no it doesn\"t really,, it gets easier,,, to live with the grief? Those words fell on deaf ears when they were said to me, and somehow it happens anyway,, you just learn, and keep on going, keep doing what we have to do...

Guess I will just hold her hand and walk beside her, like so many have done with me. 



Anyway,, just a few thoughts running through my mind as I work this snowy Sunday morning!  It\"s beautiful outside,, and all I can think about is Snow angels!  <3 <3 <3

Post from Jake October 12, 2016

This is a rant that I would put on my blog but I have forgotten my username and password. Hahaha.
I woke up today to a text from Darth Vader. (My Mum).
"Hey Bud. You okay?"
I show my wife and I say "what's up with her? Haha"
After like 20 minutes of our short conversation I realize what day it is. It's my Dads birthday. I sat down to think about it. Just the other night I was talking to Emily about how I'm so mad I never gave him a good gift and how I'll never have that chance to make up for it! His last birthday that I was there for (October 12 2013) I gave him adult diapers, condoms and a movie. I don't even remember what movie. I look back and I'm just so angry about it.
With today being what day it is, I thought I would be a lot more sad. It's been 669 days since the accident that forever has changed my life. In many bad ways, but also many good ways.
I'm not saying I'm happy about it, but I'm grateful for the accident. If the accident didn't happen, I would have been miserable on the rest of my mission like I was for the first year. I also, wouldn't be married to the love of my life and have a small family of my own right now.
I'm not sad as often as I used to be. I don't think about them as much. But when I do, the teas come. I embrace them. It reminds me of how much I love them and they love me.
I will forever be grateful that my Dad gave me the best present ever. He fixed my small broken family when I was 8 years old. He was and is the best Dad that i could have ever wanted. And I know that I can give him the perfect gift. I can give him a son to be proud of.

Open, honest and a little pissed off

I know most of you reading this know me,, let me just put this disclaimer,, I share my journey with all of you because, if one person, just one, can see that they are not alone in grief, in sadness, in thoughts of ending the pain,, and reading my story helps just one person,, I have done my job.. I live my life out loud,, I always have, and I will continue to do so.  As my friend #bruceatsmiths once told someone,, "I love Rhonda, because what you see is what you get, she sins out loud and is who she is honestly"   I just hope I can give someone the strength to ask for help

The best we can, that is all we can do. And we all do it different ways,  for some, a therapist is fantastic, for others, being up in the mountains, for others still, getting together with friends.  The list goes on and on with different ways we deal with life and the keeping ons that we keep on keeping on. Move forward, grow, progress, help each other.. that’s our ultimate goal is it not?

I posted this link on my facebook account,, because, well,, it's been a rough week. http://www.songhanhphuc.org/what-it-means-to-be-a-strong-woman-with-high-functioning-depression/

And someone actually commented: "Come on! Who doesn't battle this?  It's called life! It's really hard! Get up, suck it up! And tackle the day!"

Ummmmm,,, *blink* excuse me? Do you really think I enjoy thinking of ways to stop my pain? That I enjoy constantly feeling a void in my life, like something is missing, no matter what I do to fill it, it remains empty.. Suck it up???   Is that not what I am doing every single day??  I am breathing, and some days that is all I can do, as I have to remind myself to breath.  *As I slink back into my safe place where I can't upset anyone*


 I have had depression all of my life, and got diagnosed in 1995, after my first child was born,, I remember freaking out over literally, spilled milk,, and my daughter standing there in tears, OVER MILK!!  OK,, time to get a grip Rhonda,,, I went to the dr. and we talked,, and realized I have depression.  I was so embarrassed,, what Mom can't not yell at her kids?  I started my meds and sure enough, I because the Mom I knew I was supposed to be, one that didn't freak out over spilled milk.  So depression has been part of my life as long as I can remember,,

Having said that,,, 
I have never been one to struggle with living,, until recently. Thoughts of suicide were the last thing on my mind,,,However,,  Because depression is clearly not enough for me to deal with,, PTSD and Anxiety was added to the mix in Dec. 2014

I remember that night my life completely changed, I avoided the garage,because it would be too easy,,  I had thoughts of just driving off a cliff, and honestly didn't because I didn't want to be on life support,, I just wanted to be dead.. and that was not a guarantee,,,,   but oh how I wanted to just close my eyes and not wake up from this nightmare, it is a thought that is continuously in the back of my mind, on a daily basis.  One I don't give much attention to, because honestly, I have so much to live for!!  It is a struggle, not every day, most days are better than others, but some days,, some days it takes all I have to get out of bed, to even open my eyes,, and this last week has been one of those days.... Usually when I am struggling I reach out to Kenz, or my Mum, or Tom,, someone, and vocalize how I am feeling, so they are aware, and I make sure and reach out to my dr.  but this time I didn't,, I tried to deal with it on my own,, and it dawned on me about Wednesday, that I had forgotten to take my meds for the last 5 days,,  which would stand to reason as to why the TINEST thing was setting me off.. I didn't want to be around people, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to be awake, I didn't want to be touched, I didnt want.....
and I cried, more than normal,, Poor Tom was at a loss as to what was happening, because this is not who I am,, "normally"
When it hit me that I had forgotten to take my medication, I immediately told Tom, and bless him, he just nodded,, didn't chastise me,, didn't belittle me or make me feel like a dork for forgetting,, we were busy playing and went to bed way late,, thus the forgetting,... I was cleaning out my closet and my shoes, because I can't wear my heels any more, and saw these,, Levi's church shoes,, he put them there, on my shoe rack, so he could find them easily on sunday mornings,, I can't take them off,,and I was telling Tom how empty my shoe rack was, and said "I am almost ready to sell the shoe rack, but levi's shoes,,*que tears*  and all Tom did was say,, THEN DON"T! You don't have to,, leave them there as long as you want.

The reason I am posting this and being so blatantly open about my struggles is because I know I am not the only one,, Yet there is still a "suck it up" attitude from those who do not fully understand how depression and all the other mental illness's work.

I used to never be home, I loved strolling through the mall, being on the go,, Ask my Mum,, it drove her nuts, she could never call because I was never home!!  Now,, I drive to work and home, that is it,, The thought of going to a Mall causes such a pit in my stomach, I want to throw up,, The thought of being around people and having to be pleasant at a house party,, nope,, don't wanna do it..

When we go out, Tom drives,, I hate being in my car,, I love my car,, I hate being in it,, I drive to work and home, and a dr appointment if needed, it is when I am in the car alone that I have those thoughts of driving off a cliff, so I either crank up my music and sing along, or I call my kids, or my Mum, or Tom,,  I am getting better and am able now to get groceries, but I need a list and a time frame, if I am alone..

Does any of that sound like the Rhonda you all knew years ago?

IT is a daily struggle, some days are easier than other,, but when I feel like I am being judged and told to suck it up, I quickly want to pull back into my shell, and ask myself why do I bother? Then I look at this... and I remember why I bother,

 My story is not done,, I have two kids who need me still, and a man who loves me with his whole heart, and works his damnest to give me the moon on a daily basis,, I have grandbabies that will need spoiling, and I can't and I WON"T make my children bury another parent. This tattoo helps me, it reminds me that they are with me, it reminds me what I have to look forward to, and all that I have accomplished.

Can we please quit judging,, can we please just love everyone,, Every single one of us has a story,,, and none of us wants someone elses story,, I know I can handle my story,, I know I don't want to handle the lady's story who is going through a divorce and feels completely alone, I don't want the story of the family who's son simply vanished 3 years ago, and now his parents are divorced.. I don't know how they do it,, and I don't need to,, it's not my business,, all I need to do is love,, all WE need to do is love,,,

SO just stop!  Stop judging,, stop being so quick to say suck it up and deal, because honestly,, that is what we are each doing every single day!!

<3

Older than his age

This kid was wise beyond his years.  He was mouthy, onery, spoiled beyond reason,, and wise beyond his years.

He knew when he could throw a fit, when he could argue, when he needed to be serious. Every one of his teachers had nothing but awesome things to say about him, his friends parents loved him, he was so well behaved, when he knew he needed to be! lol

He loved walking the temple grounds, he often told me that he liked how he felt when he was there, it "makes me feel happy and warm Mum, like my heart is full".

Fast forward to 2011, March 19th to be exact, He turned 8 on the 14th, and he was so excited to be baptized. And  we were all going to the temple that afternoon to be a forever family, and be sealed together for time and all eternity.  

Of all the kids, I expected him to laugh and smirk a little when he saw his Mum and Dad in their "special" clothes. Oddly though he wasn't the one that smirked.  He was so very reverent, and respectful, and he knew,, he just knew.  He was much older than his 8 years of mortal age. Of course after we were sealed, we could not get a "normal"picture of our family,, he was always such a clown, but he knew when he needed to show respect and reverence.

This picture, Levi is 5 yrs old and had run ahead of us

I look at this picture now, and think,, Oh he's waiting for me to catch up, just like he did that day!

I have a picture of my Mum holding Levi's hand as they are walking towards these steps,, I need to find it,, 

He just knew what was important, I came across a post I had made a few years ago, when he had gotten birthday cards from both grandparents, he walked up to me and said "Know what I love the most about these cards Mum?", Me: What bud? (expecting him to say 'the money, duh!), Levi: that my family took the time to remember me on my birthday and send me a card, I love that.

WOW!! WHAT??  Yea, I hugged him a little tighter that day

About a week before the accident, I was downstairs putting stuff away, and Levi comes out of his Lego room, very solem and sad, and I ask him what is wrong,, here's the conversation we had:

Me - what's wrong bud?

Levi - I just thought it's going to be a long time before I see Jake again.

Me- oh me too, but we are almost at the year mark, we get to see him soon!

Levi - Yea but Mum, he'll get him and I will be on my mission

Me- Buddy, you have 7 years before you can go on your mission, we are almost half way done,,, (IF ONLY I HAD HEARD WHAT HE WAS TELLING ME!)

Levi - Yea, there's that, but it,, it's going to be a long time before I get to see him again.

I laughed it off and went up and told his dad what had transpired...

one week later,,, they were both gone, Todd had posted a huge thank you, the day before the accident, to all the missionaries that had been in our home and set such incredible examples for our children.  THE DAY BEFORE!!!  Why had I not listened,, Why had I ignored the signs?

I think they both knew, but they couldn't articulate it, for obvious reasons,  Levi knew, Todd knew, That dang veil got in the way of letting me know.  I feel so absolutely ridiculous for not over analyzing our conversation the week before, for not reading too much into Todd's post, when I saw it.  

They are on their missions, and I am left wondering what other signs I missed,,,,

I think today, I will let my heart hurt and miss them a little more than I normally do.  It can be healing, so I hear.

<3

Ripped off

That's how I am feeling today.  Completely and utterly ripped off.  I should have a husband that has a new kidney and is healthy again.  I should have a 15 yr old driving me completely nuts, and we, as parents, try to determine how much is enough screen time, and whether or not it is worth the fight to turn it off.  It's a thin line,, that parenting and wanting to be their friends.  Wanting to ensure they grow up responsible, and productive, and wanting to let them do whatever, because heaven forbid he be mad at us!

I feel ripped off... ripped off of being a wife, of celebrating a huge double digit anniversary, of knowing he's there.

I feel ripped off of seeing my baby grow to be a man, of watching him come into his own through out the "FUN" teen years.

I often sit and wonder what he looks like, 4 years later,, how tall is he? What color is his hair? Do I still have to fight with him to eat? To shower? To clean his room...., oh who am I kidding, I gave up on that years ago!!

I want him back,,I want them both back.  It's weird because I know there Todd is healthy, he is doing what is needed.,,, He is whole again. and that makes my heart so happy, and I can't wait to see him again, and be reunited with him. 

Levi on the other hand,, was healthy,, happy,, excelling in everything he touched.  He was so smart, and above all he had his whole life ahead of him. Todd's aunt Sharon found some old pics of Todd, HOLY COW Levi is totally his mini me!!! TO A TEE!!!!

 I wonder what he would have been when he grew up, would he still be getting incredible grades? *Yep now I am crying at work,, I really hate March, and October*

I just am left wondering....

and that sucks.

   

That little gaffer in front, is my husband!!!!

That doll like boy that is half hiding behind his sister,, my husband.  <3