Be the BEST YOU you can be!

This didn't start out being a motivational blog, when I started blogging in 2013, when Todd got sick.  It was just a place where I could vent, and quickly relay information to our families.

Besides when I try to get motivational, I sound all cocky, and bullheaded,, and truly I am not.  AT ALL!.. not when it comes to being me anyway.

My goal through this life is to simply be the best ME that I can be,, that is seriously hard enough.  I don't have time to be perfect, my house could be cleaner,, probably should be cleaner, considering there are only two of us living there and we are both only there part time.... My life should probably be more organized. I tend to fly by the seat of my pants, I like order and structure, but I love spontaneity.  Nothing thrilled me more, then when Todd would walk in the door and say "let's go to california with the kids for the weekend"  and we, well I, would pack us up, and be ready when they got home from school that day!

Life is hard... sometimes it downright sucks butt.. *sorry mum*.  And when HUGE things happen they can make it harder.  I look back on our lives, and there are so many things we should have done differently,, we should've saved money when Todd was raking it in, we should have taught the kids how to be financially responsible, we should have loved more and yelled less, hugged more and spanked less, enjoyed each other more and shushed less.

I was lucky in that I was older when we were blessed with Levi, I realized that the little things, didn't matter.  Who really cares if you have cereal for dinner, 4 days a week? Who said it was just for breakfast to begin with?  Why can't we have dessert first?  Who said appetizers can't be strawberry shortcake?  Who says you shouldn't wear that swimming suit?  Or wear those 6 inch heels?  *ok stay with me here, there are clothes that are definitely made for the teenie tinys out there, and for women with curves, we do need to dress for the body we have, not the one we wish we had!* I got numerous dandelion boquets, and they sat on my counter in a glass, I was told to watch this or asked to listen to looooooooooooooong drawn out, intensely detailed stories of dreams, and admittedly I tuned out most of what was said to me,, *wish I could change that too dang it!*

I am grateful that when all my kids were little, I put on that swimming suit and got in the water with them.. Although even now, I look at pictures, and think *UGH ARE YOU KIDDING ME?*,, my kids look at the same picture and say "Oh I remember this, this is when I jumped off the high diving board and you caught me mum!"  They dont see the whale of a body that has grabbed them from the depths of the water they just plunged feet first into,, they see unconditional love and acceptance.  They feel trust towards that unconditional love and acceptance.

I can hardly wait to have little people around again,, seriously.  I can't wait to get on the floor and play cars, or barbies, or whatever freaking gender correct toy they come out with by this time. I can't wait to watch the ants scurry on the ground preparing for winter, while holding a little's hand.  To hike up a mountain and talk with my tween grand kids, to let them know they are the most important people in so many peoples lives.

Yes.. I post the ugly pictures, I send them to friends, to my kids, because there will come a day when that is all they have, and I am hoping when that day comes, They will look at those pictures of their dorkie Mum and remember her laugh, her smile, the look in her eyes, when they caught her just looking at them for no reason, and maybe, just maybe, they can laugh, and smile and feel all the love I have for them overflowing on a daily basis!

I put this on facebook and the likes and comments were almost instantaneous, 

I have many flaws. I don't particularly like my picture being taken.. I really don't like getting in a swimming suit, and there are other things I don't particularly like doing. HOWEVER, once I am gone, all my family will have left is memories of doing things with me, and the pictures that we took. I love that my kids have memories of playing in the pool with me, in the lake, they don't know that I wanted to puke every time I saw myself in the mirror with the swim suit on, they don't know how uncomfortable I was walking in front of people, they don't see my chubby face in the pic, they see my smile, they are flooded with memories of laughter and love, of happiness and being together. Life is too short to be nit picky. So put on that swim suit,, We all feel just as uncomfortable,,, take that picture with your babies, , Post it, share it, and know you are loved beyond words.

 Then I got a message from a sweet lady I met years ago... 

You may not remember me as I met you years ago. I went to school with your Mom. She was my best friend. I love your posts and blogs. You are so honest and so human with no pretenses to be perfect and I love this. Hope you keep inspiring us all.

You are sisters with a friend of mine, I think,, what is your maiden name?

                                                                               Thank you so much for your sweet words

I'd love to give you many HUGS so I hope you feel this one across the miles and sometimes I feel that need of hugs too.

Thank you! I accept all hugs,, my goal is to help one person, who thinks their life is crappy,, if I can help them see the silver lining,, then my work is a success

being perfect takes too much work,, and it's hard enough just trying to be me

I love you for who you are and keep up the good work of helping us all.

Thank you! I hope you have an amazing day!

You have already made my day. Thanks

 The meer fact that I am being told that I am an inspiration is overwhelming.  This blog was simply a place for me to vent, to get through this crap we call life.. and to come out a better person for it. That is all I want. So I will keep posting, and blogging, and if it can help just one person, remember what is truly important, and get them through their crappy day.. then YAY!!!  

 just me being crazy!!!

I have friends that went to the cemetery with me yesterday,, and we took this picture,, I wish my one friend would stop seeing the negative in every picture,, these girls are gorgeous! ALL 3 OF THEM!! And the strength of the two on each side inspires me.. to keep going!  I see no flaws in this picture, I see love, and happiness, and friendships that I am forever grateful for... *she may kill me for posting the pic so if I don't blog soon,, call the cops! ;-)*  I love these two ladies so very much and am honored to call them both friend!!

Now,, who wants lunch?? I will order the appetizers for us! :-)

Carry on, Carrying on...

It has been a weekend of memories, friendships and love!!  I am so completely overwhelmed with the love I feel from people that have never even met my husband and son...  seriously!

This is what I was expecting to be the hardest weekend for me yet.  It's a weekend full of traditions in our family.  It's Canadian Thanksgiving,, *the American's are the ones who decided to freaking change it to November, the losers!, back during WW1 or 2,, can't remember which,, google it!* and it's Todd's birthday,, cue tears.... wait, what,, no tears... just love and happiness!

I got asked to go camping with a friend on Friday, I don't camp,, like at all! haha well I never used to.  It was fun.  I met a bunch of new people, and I got out of the house, on my own and ventured into the unknown with NO ONE holding my hand.  YAY ME!!!  *seriously I freaking rock!, no lie*

Saturday I finally was able to go to a BYU game.  The very thought of entering the stadium without Todd with me, scared the crap right out of me... I have wanted to go all season, but let my anxiety win every time and just didn't do it... until Saturday,, *dun dun duuunnnnnnn* I had a couple friends go with me, and OH EMM GEEE we had a blast! My anxiety that I had been anticipating all day was nonexistent. It was like Todd was right there with me the whole game,,, well until half time when I went to text him "DUDE You are missing THE best game right now"  bahahahaha I texted Kenz instead when I realized what I was going to do, and yep I laughed about it, because let's face it, He totally had the best seats in the house!  It was our tradition that at every touchdown BYU scored we would kiss,, so one of my friends stepped up and filled that spot for me,, haha kisses on the cheek between friends is the next best thing! *who wouldn't wanna kiss this??*

Saturday night I got home late, and walked in to my sweet girl, her fiance, and their friends waiting for me to get home!  We had so much fun!  We laughed, played,, I jumped on Jeff,, seriously love that kid, and am thrilled he is going to be part of my family!

  Sunday morning we got up and started cooking our holiday feast!

We went to the cemetery on Sunday in between all the fun, how I wish desperately I could take this pain and heartache from my babies,,,

 Can I tell you Kenz makes a bomb turkey! And I love that she wants to do it,, every year!  Unfortunately, in the USA turkeys are few and far between until the END of October, so all we could get was a 15 lb bird,, to feed 45 people,, so I sent Kenz to Smiths' to grab a ham at the 11th hour and we threw that in the oven!  Everyone that came brought something to share, We, well everyone else, sang Happy birthday to Todd, I struggled with it, I wanted to do it, but I couldn't sing, I just sat there feeling so completely overwhelmed at the love these people, most of whom have never met him or Levi, gathered around to break bread with me, love me, to encourage me to do the hard things, and let me know they are proud of what I overcome on a daily basis...  There are no words to express how much each and everyone of you mean to me!  And I guarantee you will be greeted on the other side by a man with tears of love and gratitude streaming down his face as he thanks you for loving me through this!

Today is his birthday.  Today he would be 45.  Today I would take him out to dinner, shower him with love and presents, Today Levi would rummage through his room and find the perfect thing to give his dad.  Today I would wake him up with a kiss and tell him how very much I love him....

Today I am going to have lunch with two of my best friends.. girls who have never met this man, who tell me continually they can't wait to meet him and how much they love him for loving me. Today I will go to the cemetery and put a balloon on his headstone, and a flower for our boy.. I will go out for dinner with his parents.  Today I will smile as I feel his arms around me, as I feel his love for me and my love for him fill me to the brim.

Today I will take a moment, maybe shed some tears, most definitely laugh at the memories. And Tomorrow, I will carry on, carrying on.

Jeff Johnson!

Sean Salisbury and his Nephew Daxon

Spencer Boster and Aubree Bryant

Teresa Salisbury!

Mom and Dad Johnson,
Photobomber Carlie Parslow

WE WON!!!!!!!!!!

Me and Jeff,, So much fun at this game!

Me and Cable!  GO COUGS!!!!

I love this picture so stinking much I put it in twice!

Me and Tom, thanksgiving dinner!

Pity party for 1,,, warning: rambling and venting session, probably makes no sense at all

I am having a rough couple weeks... There are a couple things going on that I have no control over, and I am ok with that.  I am just tired of people not taking responsibility for their actions, or for trying to control what is NOT theirs to control.

Here is the bottom line:

I miss my husband.  I miss my son.

Every 

single

 day.

  And although I miss them dearly, so much so it physically hurts me at times, I am ready to be happy again.  Whether that be with someone, or on my own.  So right now. I am working on the on my own part.  I find it funny that I am ok to be home alone, but the thought of going out alone still terrifies me.  Why is that? I get home and I am content.  I can go to bed, alone, *sad I know*, I wake up, I can putter around the house... *I have yet to go downstairs alone though oddly enough, that in and of itself terrifies me to my very core!*

It's Todd's 25 year mission reunion tomorrow.  I want to go, so badly.  I want to avoid it.. so badly.
We went together to his 20 year reunion and I met amazing people!!  People I happily call my friends today.  So I know I won't be alone.. and I know Todd will  be there in spirit with me,. but damn it, sometimes that just isn't enough!! He has been in spirit with me the last almost 10 months.

10 months,, seriously, has it be that long????/

10 months... seriously how has it only been 10 months????


I am asked almost daily what I want,, so here is my list of what I want:

•  I want to be happy with who I am
•  I want someone to sweep me off my feet again!
•  I want to be someone's priority
•  I want to no longer feel abandoned
•  I want to stop crying
•  I want to come home to someone who is there waiting to hold me, wrap his arms around me and hug me while I just cry and know they don't have to say anything or do anything but just let me sob, and not feel awkward about it.  (yea I said HIS! and no there is no particular he at this point!) 
•  I want to drink lots of alcohol so I don't feel this pain anymore
•  I want to not care, about anything
•  I want to care so much not one person on the earth ever feels unloved
•  I want friends who don't judge because I do things differently than they do
•  I want to move forward
•  I want to not want to drink so I remember every little feeling.
•  I want to see what the future holds
•  I want to go back in time
•  I want to deny what I know to be the truth without guilt
•  I want to shout that I believe and I have faith in the Atonement from the roof tops
•  I want to hug the driver and tell him I love him
•  I want to never lay eyes on him again
•  I want to curl up in a ball, fall asleep and not wake up
•  I want to live to see my children be happy
•  I want this to stop
•  I want my life back.
•  I want my life to be finished.  (do not read too much into this geesh!!!!!! if I get one phone call from a social worker I swear....)

See how conflicting grief can be!!!

It's Todd's birthday in a couple weeks, 11 days to be exact.  It's a monday.  I have to work.  I want to wake up and it be tuesday instead.  I am tired of the firsts that keep coming.  I am tired of thinking I have a handle on everything then BAM! out of no where, at the most inopportune times the tears just fall!  no noise, just tears!

 so help me if one more person says they are amazed at my strength, I can not be held responsible for what happens!!  I am not trying to be strong! I SWEAR!!! I want nothing more than to be weak,, to let someone else be the "ADULT" for a while.. unfortunately there is no one else..  and bills must be paid, kids must be loved... dogs must be fed.  Sigh

There is a stages of grief picture I have some where that is excellent at portraying where I am in all this crap..... I just need to find it.

Thanks for letting me vent....

Just Let Go! Take 2

It's a process, letting go.  Just when you think you have left it behind, something comes along and smacks you right back down! You pick yourself up, stop the room from spinning, just in time to BAM! be hit down again.  AND IT SUCKS!

There seems to be no end in sight.  It's a continuous, vicious cycle.  So it seems.  Until you realize sometimes, most things, are beyond your control, and the best thing you can do, is step aside, so the next BAM! misses you, or at least doesn't knock you completely off your feet.

I learned this a few years ago, when my best friend decided I had done something to completely offend her, and she cut me out of her life, no chance to explain, just cut right out.  I was drowning in grief.  This was someone who was my confidant, who I vented to and she vented to me about kids, husbands, and how much life completely sucked sometimes.  I was frantic to fix what I didn't realize was broken.  It took Todd, over a period of about 6-8 months, *I'm nothing if not stubborn!*, lovingly reminding me this was not mine to fix. I had done nothing wrong.  And what was perceived as my wrong doing had been apologized for over and over.  I had done everything I could, I had to just let it go.  It hurt so bad.  I was mourning the loss of someone who I loved as much, if not more, than family, someone who had become so dear to me I would do anything for her.  And I couldn't stop it.  She wanted out, it was her choice, it was hers to control.  All I could control was what I learned from this experience and how I reacted to it.

Fast forward 3-4 years. I still miss her, or rather what we had.  I have become stronger for it. I learned I can stand through the worst storms, I can be an incredible friend, and I hope that I am one, and I can smile through most anything.

I never really thought about that process of letting go of that grief, that anger of being wrongly accused, until last night, when I saw the most incredible movie

JUST LET GO!!

I had to give it back to her. I couldn't control what she had decided to do, no more than I could control the man who decided to drive that night in December.  It was time to move forward.

Watching this movie, there were scenes where I could physically feel Chris William's pain, his heartache, his anger, his trying to make things right for his kids.  His struggle between doing the right thing and seeking justice.  I felt it right along with him. 

I learned it is ok to forgive, and be at peace one minute, and feel complete anger the next.  It's a roller coaster ride.  One we never asked to be on, one we would love nothing more than to get off of, and just when we think it is coming to a stop, there's a downward hill and we are picking up speed.  

All we can do, all I can do, is hang on to that night... the feeling of peace, of knowing as much as I want someone to blame, as much as people kept telling me to go after the driver, the city, the state, I had to hang on to what I heard that night.  There is no denying it on my part.  As much as I want to some days...

This is God's will, your job is to forgive and give back to Him control.  Let Him carry this for you.

Does God not remember who I am?  I am a control freak, I like to know where, when, why, how and who! and find a solution to fix things that are broken!  And now, NOW I have to let God look after this????

I go back and forth between blaming the driver, and seeing the Lord's hand in all this.  Mostly I see the Lord's hand.  I know this is how things were supposed to play out.  I know I agreed to this and I promised I would do my very best to get back to my Savior.  

It's easier said than done.. that's for sure.  Some days I want to feel the hate, fuel the fire so to speak.. some days that VOID that is ever present in my life, is like a big neon sign that will not lose power.

And some days, I smile, whistle even.  

I am allowed to be happy, angry, frustrated, loved, lonely, sad, at peace, tearful.  I am allowed to move forward, not forgetting what has happened, for that is what is shaping me into a whole new person, but forgiving what has happened.

Someone asked me recently if I have truly given this back to the Lord,, and I didn't know how to answer that then... after last night, I can yes,, Yes I have truly given it back to the Lord.  Sometimes I get a little piece of it within my reach and I grab it quickly and hold it tight for a second... and I am allowed to do this,, if only to remember why I gave it back to Him.  So yes,,, this is the Lord's burden to carry,, *poor guy!* 

I try to see the good in all things, I cringe when my friends complain about their kids, *I want them to know their kids are just being kids,,, and not trying to upset the parental cart*
 I long to wrap the crying parent in my arms and tell them, this too shall pass,,and yes YOU WILL MISS THIS!,

I want to pick up the struggling teenager and tell them life is supposed to be hard, if it was easy, what fun would it be.
 I want to encourage them to express themselves, and be polite, to see ahead of the moment they are in right now, and how it all works out in the end.

It is a daily job, to Just Let Go, it's a conscious decision we each have to make, every single day...  

So many quotes I heard in the movie that I wish I could remember,,,,,

I guess I will just have to go see it again!

God is Great, Beer is Good... and people shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth!

CALM DOWN! I am not drinking beer,,,,, yet! haha

So today was pre trial for Mr Stephen Sumbot.  The man who changed my life for ever...

I got a call from the prosecuting attorney yesterday and he gave me a heads up as to what they were expecting to happen, so I wasn't shocked or surprised.  He didn't have to do this, but he did and I appreciate it....

SO here's the bottom line...

He entered a plea of no contest.  *rolls eyes*
basically it's admitting guilt without saying yes I am guilty,, he is now claiming that he opened the bottle after the accident and drank it then to help take away the pain of what he saw... *poooor baby!, he wouldn't have seen it if he hadn't been driving!!, just saying*

The Prosecuting attorney then tells the judge what they have agreed to for sentencing....

10 days in jail
$1400 fine

Judge looks at the PA and asks, "please tell me why this is being looked at as a DUI and not anything worse?"

PA explains that the DA is *in my opinion an idiot*, saying that due to Utah Law there isn't enough evidence to support that Mr Sumbot is 51% responsible for the deaths of my husband and son.

Judge says.. OK,,,, Mr Sumbot, I am giving you the maximum sentence allowed,, 180 days in jail and a fine of $1900 and change.. you will have supervised probation *costs a ton of money out of his pocket*, and every vehicle in your name OR that you will be operating will be equipped with a *I don't know the legal name* breathalyzer.

Mr S then says, "your honor, I have multiple drivers in my residence."

Judge looks up and says "EVERY VEHICLE IN YOUR NAME OR THAT YOU WILL BE OPERATING, AM I CLEAR?"

Judge suspended 170 day of his jail sentence so Mr S only has to serve 10, as long as he reports to his PO, and goes to substance abuse counseling, and get the breathalyzers in your vehicles, oh and NO drinking for 12 months, while on probation.

The PA then asks the Judge to let me read a statement that I have prepared, and the Judge agrees,,

Here is what I said:

*the PA grabs a box of kleenex and puts it next to me! smart man!!*

"I am not even sure where to begin.  Nothing I say will ever change the fact that one man made a decision that impacted so very many people.

Because of your decision to drive while impaired, I will never get to look into those baby blue eyes again.  I will never get to see my baby grow into the man he strived to be at his young age.  Were you aware that THAT 11 year old boy was already working on his Eagle Scout Project?  Did you know his ambition in life was to be a game developer and he sought out people that could answer any questions he had about that profession?  He loved his family, he loved life and brought so much joy to every life he touched.

Were you aware that the man in the wheelchair was in line for a kidney transplant?  That he struggled every single day just to get up out of bed without passing out or throwing up?  He pushed through his pain to make sure his wife knew she was the most important person in his life.  All that mattered to him was his wife's happiness.  He enjoyed watching his children grow up into adulthood.

Our 2nd oldest child got married in May,  without her dad to walk her down the isle.  Our oldest daughter is getting married next year and I guarantee you the loss of his presence will be just as strong.  Our oldest son will return home from his LDS mission, never being able to hug his dad or baby brother again.  Our 4th and 5th have and will graduate high school without their biggest cheerleader sitting in the stands.

Your choice that night robbed my family of so much.  It robbed me of growing old with my sweetheart, of enjoying grandkids together, traveling together, and just being us together.

I want you to know even though YOUR decision that night changed every single aspect of my life and my family's life.  I pray for peace every night.  I pray that every time you get behind the wheel that you are sober.  I pray that should you ever pick up a drink again, you will remember that night that you changed both of our lives and I pray you walk away from that drink.

I keep seeing your face for the first time I met you.  The sorrow & pain visible.  I pray you find peace.      I truly forgive you and hope you are able to move forward."

I returned to my seat, the judge nodded and just looked at me and Mr S for a minute,  then Mr S says that he has a statement he would like to say.

Judge says go ahead,,,,

This is what he says,, *IT WILL PISS YOU OFF,, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! please know I am at complete peace with everything that happened*

Mr S.
"your honor, I am guil,, responsible for my actions that day,,, "blah blah blah,, bunch of unimportant bullshit and babble that he rambled on about for a few minutes,, "This affected my family too, this has changed my family as well..." blah blah blah  ... then he raises his voice and says "however I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF ANYONE!,, Ok I am done!"

His lawyer looked at him with his jaw hanging open.. the Judge looked at him,, you could seriously see steam coming out of the Judge's ears,, he was not impressed.  and the PA looked back at me, with complete shock all over his face.

Me,, I sat there, smiling,, feeling complete peace, and kept hearing "let it go,,, just let it go" being whispered in my ear.

Mr S stormed out of the court room and the PA and the investigating officer jumped up and came over to me.  The PA apologized all over the place.  and I stopped him and said, you know what,..  it's ok. It is out of our control what Mr S Says and does.  He will  have to live with this for the rest of his life.  God is a loving God,, He is also a just God and now Mr S will have to answer for these actions as well.

I got to him.  I was able to say what I needed to say.  I was able to let him know that yes I hold him accountable for taking Todd and Levi's lives from this earth... However, I forgive him.  I am ready to move forward.  I am ready to be happy again.

I miss them, so much, every single day.  I will miss them for the rest of my life.  And anyone that knows Todd and Levi and how much they loved me, knows that they would both KICK MY ASS if I was the weeping widow society thinks I should be.  I will still cry, not as often, and that's ok.  I will always have them with me.

Love... is all that matters. (PS I kinda love Billy Currington!! just saying'!)

here's the link to that song I keep going back to,,,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKpQRjj_WbU:-)

Brutally honest,,, Suicide

PLEASE DO NOT READ MORE INTO THIS THAN WHAT I AM SAYING,, we all know I have no filter, and I am brutally honest to a fault... I am in NO WAY going to do anything to harm myself!!!  Just trying to get across to those of you who have never felt like taking your life, how it actually feels,, and the thought process....


The thought has entered my head on more than one occasion these last *almost* 9 months, as recently as the last two weeks.  DO NOT CALL ANYONE! I am not going to do anything.  I see a counselor and we talk openly about it.  She knows, and is aware of all my thought.  *I have no filter*.

I get it.  I understand now the thought process.  The feeling of emptiness that is so completely overwhelming that you lose all sense of reason.  The dark pit.  The abyss.  The loneliness, feeling like a burden,  the longing to be needed again, to feel treasured, desired, wanted, helpful, loved.  I could go on, but I am sure you get the point.

It would be so easy too, just go to my car, leave the garage door shut, and turn it on,, fall asleep.,, don't wake up. That was my first thought when I(haha) woke up on December 14, 2014.  I could just slip away.. join them.  Then I saw my daughters face, and the face of her boyfriend.. what would that do to her? She just lost her dad and her brother.. I couldn't do that to her.. BUT OH THE PAIN IS SO MUCH! How can I keep going?  And my son,,  the one on his way home for the funerals,, what would that do to him?  I would miss so much of their lives,, weddings, babies, joys, sorrows,, THE SORROWS,, How on earth can I keep going?  I put a call into my dr, who happens to be family, and expressed my concern and worry about running out of my anti-depressants and the thoughts going through my head,, I believe my words were something like this.,, "I'm scared, All I keep thinking about is going into my garage and turning on the car, but I don't want to do that.  I can't run out of my medication right now,,,"

So, to help me get over this and put these thoughts out of my head I went to Canada with my parents for 3 weeks... I was never alone for very long.. My parental units checked on me, when I slipped away to my bedroom downstairs, on a fairly regular basis.. they are really good about giving me my space while letting me know they were right there.

The thoughts went away for a while.  Even after I got back home, people stopped by, fairly regularly, making sure I ate, I,, haha slept, I got out... after a few months, people started getting on with their lives, moving on, doing their routine.  AND THAT IS OK!, oh my hell that is MORE than ok!!  But my life didn't go anywhere, while everyone was doing their routine, I was struggling to get out of bed, and I let that darkness back in.

I am not sure what has happened these last two weeks, but that darkness all but consumed me.  I didn't answer calls, unless I felt I had to, I lied and said I was fine.  I wanted to be alone.... I wanted to self destruct.  I know I am loved, I don't think I understand how fully I am loved, because even though my friends and family all continue on with their routines, they still find ways to tell me and to show me I am loved... Not one of them has said,, "still mourning?"  no one has commented on how I have to get over it,. they ,,,, YOU say you get it,, that I am ok, that you are there for me.

 My daughter and I talk at least once a day, usually more, and lately it has been about wedding stuff,,,  YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! My son tells me he loves me every single time he emails me.

YOU all have posted one thing or another in the last 9 months, whether it be on facebook, or that has kept me going, that has lifted that foreboding darkness, even just a little... you have all reminded me that I am here for a purpose, *no idea what that is yet though*  You have all made me feel so loved, that I don't dare do anything to myself.  This particular picture has shown up on my timeline so much the last little while it was actually getting annoying... until last night,,, I looked at it again for probably 15 minutes, reading it over and over.  Look at the love this man has for you,, for me,, for us... He does, and he doesn't even know who we are.. but he loves us!  I cried last night, sobbed actually. I am not alone, you are not alone... no matter what we are facing right now, we are not alone.

This month is suicide awareness month. I don't write this post to have everyone in a panic that I am going to commit suicide.  I AM NOT!  I have too much to do here, and too many grandbabies that need ME to spoil them rotten,, soon, I hope! lol

I write this to thank you all for all your love and support.  And to hopefully help someone, someone who is scared... someone who has been through something so horrendous that they feel their only option is to end the pain, someone who can somehow smile, and fake it, and they don't want to fake it anymore.

I DON'T CARE WHAT TIME IT IS,  WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, OR WHERE YOU ARE.  WHEN YOU NEED A FRIEND CALL ME, I WILL ALWAYS ANSWER MY PHONE FOR YOU, I WILL GET IN MY CAR AND COME GET YOU.  You want to get out of your house,, call me!  You need a hug... CALL ME!!! I actually crave affection and will hug you so hard and not let go until you can feel how much I love you!, you want ice cream,,, DUDE CALL ME!!!!!!!!  You want to just sit and cry,, and have me not talk,,, yep,,, CALL ME!  I have pretty big shoulders,, you can soak them all night long!

WE ARE LOVED!  Each and every one of us!  Our families love us, our friends love us... our SAVIOUR loves us, He has felt our pain, He has shed our tears, He has given us literally everything.

So DON'T you dare give up!  Do NOT give in.  Let that love envelope us, and keep us buoyed up through the trials and blessings we get to experience down here, on earth.

WE CAN AND WE WILL SUCCEED at our missions here in life.  There is help, and there is love...

More than we can possibly comprehend.

"If you ask me how I'm doing...

...I would say I'm doing just fine.  I would lie, and say that they're not on my mind."

It isn't every day that I would lie.. some days I am fine.  But I seem to be going backwards instead of forwards.  And I don't like it.

 (venting post,there will be ramblings, and probably repeats of what has already been said,  you've been warned)

I relive different parts of our past on a daily basis.  I will walk into the kitchen and "see" Todd standing there, with the fridge door open, waiting to give me that last kiss good bye.. I "see" Levi downstairs, when I am brave enough to go down there, playing with his legos, waiting to show me his newest creation that he painstakingly built.  I look over at the end table Todd's grandpa made and I see his dialysis machine's ghost sitting there, what I would give to hear that annoying piece of machinery beep one more time.  Blood strips in my medicine cabinet, Todd's soap in my shower, Levi's toothbrush, hair brush, cards, memories,, memories,, EVERY WHERE!!!!!!

I relive that night every single time I drive past THAT spot, or see the firehouse, which is right next to it.  I avoid the cemetery because when I go, I can't leave.  I want to take a pillow with me and just stay there.  I feel guilty when I leave.

There are a few distractions,, but even those are tainted with their memories.  Our oldest is getting married next year... she and I talk on almost a daily basis, about everything. Lately wedding stuff.  AND I LOVE IT!  I have waited to help her do this her whole life.  Then we talk about the ceremony,, and there comes the void.. her dad,, HE was supposed to be here for this,, he had already given Jeff our blessing to ask for her hand in marriage.  HE is supposed to be here to watch the sheer joy on her face, to walk her down the isle.  To hand her off and to welcome her husband into our family.  Levi is supposed to be here, to stand beside Jeff, to hand him the rings,, whatever,, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

I went to the movie last night with my friend and her daughter.   We saw "Once I was  A Beehive".  Somewhat cheesy mormon movie about girls camp and family.  Yep I cried!  I loved it.  There is a quote from that movie that I absolutely love,, After the girl's dad dies, and her mom remarries a mormon, and she spends a week with a bunch of girls she has never met,, she realizes,, "Right at that exact moment, right at that exact time, I am exactly where I need to be, with who I exactly need to be with"  This is my life.  Right now, I am exactly where I need to be, surrounded by exactly who I need.  I get it.  It's funny that 11 months ago I had said to Todd that I hated living here.  I knew we had to because of his health, but I had no friends, I hated my job, more so the hours, and the drive.  I didn't want to live in an HOA, seriously always said I never would.. talking to my Mum on Sunday I think, and I told her I would never live anywhere else.  I have never felt more loved by people who weren't related to me than I do today.  I love that I can walk into my neighbors house and join in celebrating BYU's epic win, that I can walk in and just get a hug, or sit down to eat dinner with them because I am lonely.  I love that I can call someone and say Hey,, I am having a crappy day and her and her husband come down and just sit with me,, let me talk,, even though everyone has heard it all before, many times over.  No judgement, no harassing that I need to get over it, nothing but Christ like love.  I love every single one of my friends,, they are like family.  And if I can't be with Todd and Levi right now,, I am glad these people let me be with them.

I still cry myself to sleep sometimes.  I still have to force myself to get out of bed every single day.  I still avoid things I know are triggers.  And I find new ones daily.  I ache.  I miss the people I thought would still be in my life, who have chosen to take themselves out of it.

My heart physically hurts every. single. day.  My throat feels like there is a giant spike going right through the middle of my neck and out the back of my head, every. single. day.  Somehow,, some way my cement encased feet manage to keep moving me through this.. moving me forward.  I keep getting up in the morning, and going to bed at night, and sometimes I don't even have to remember to breath,, it just happens.

I am sure you are all tired of hearing me ramble and cry.  *not looking for any 'it's ok rhonda' comments, I'm tired of hearing it.*

This is my reality,, this is my life,, and I have to learn how to keep moving forward, and it is all of you that help loosen that cement on my feet even just a little.. it's all of you who help me and give me strength. So thank you, for being exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.