What do you see when you look in the mirror?

I have always been, what society would consider, overweight.  I have struggled with my weight my entire life.  To be honest, I wish I was as fat now as I thought I was in highschool!! haha  Looking back at pictures from that time in my life, I was not as big as I thought I was.  And honestly, if I had just grown another 6 inches, I would be perfect... according to society...

This all started when my parents and I were in Sam's club the other day, and my mum picked up a tub of Ginger snaps... yep,, cookies,, Memories of me or Todd calling my Dad on Christmas Eve, so Levi could talk to "Santa",, well Santa told Levi he loved ginger snaps,,, from that point on that was all we could leave out for him on Christmas eve,, Ginger snaps,.... so there I am in Sam's club, tears streaming down my face and laughing at the obserdity of it all and the joy that memory brought..  then,  I was driving around Salt Lake with my Mum the other day, after work, and we started talking about Todd and Levi,, well I started talking,, and I said to her,, I just want to have a pity party for a minute.  The tears flowed as I cried to her, How much does one person have to take?  All I want is to be with my boys again... Kenz is getting married, Jake is married,, and here I sit... I dont want to be the strong one any more.. I don't want to do this any more. I.  Am.  Done!
I went on for a few more minutes and just let the tears falls,, it's been a bit since I have let the water works release from the flood gates, so it was probably needed.

And this thought has been haunting my brain ever since.... "What do you see when you look in the mirror?  Do you see what I see?"  Now this could be taken two ways,.,, one,, Our Heavenly Father asking US what do we see when we look in the mirror, and two,, us asking our friends, family and acquaintances,, what to they see when they look at us,, or themselves in the mirror,, do we see what others see?

Here is what I see when I look in the mirror,

• I see a little girl with rags in her hair because her hair holds curl amazingly well and she loves the way it bounces when it's curly.
• I see an adolescent going to school and struggling to make friends, never quite fitting in, but never really alone either.
• I see a teenager entering highschool, studying hard for every single C she got.
• I see a 20 yr old eagerly anticipating the birth of her first child, scared at the concept of being responsible for another human being.
• I see a young lady, rising out of the ashs of abusive relationships, and coming to the realization that what other's think, doesn't really matter.  All that truly matters is that she is true to herself, and is the best Mum she can be for her children.
• I see a lady, strong in her faith, raising her daughter and son to be true to themselves, to stay close to the spirit.
• I see a lady struggling to make ends meet, and not let it affect her children
• I see a woman, who learned to trust again, and allows a man to love her as she deserves to be loved, and allows this man to love her kids and raise them as his own.  
• I see a woman, strong, weak, happy, sad, part of her is missing, yet her desire to go on and continue to smile is greater than her desire to give up, and be done.  
• I see a woman who is beautiful, not necessarily according to society's standards, but more to those that know her, those who have seen her at her worst, cheered her on, and loved her through it all, who have helped her get up time and time again, who have seen her smile when her whole entire world is crumbling around her...

What do you see when you look in the mirror?  Do you see the awesomeness that is you? Do you see how your hand has affected so many people, for the better of man kind? Do you see the love people have for you?

Go,, look in the mirror,, and see if you can see what I see..

Love.

All it takes is that one thing...

oh I am sure this is going to cause some back lash,, When we first moved to this beautiful state in 2005 I was so excited... I couldn't wait to be where the heart of my belief system was... to be in Mormon country, where every one held the same values and standards.. everyone was friendly and accepting, Christlike even to those who didn't follow the same standards and beliefs... And don't get me wrong,, 99% of my experiences in Utah, with the wards have been great.... all it takes is that 1% sadly, to put such a bad taste in your mouth and take away the desire to ever return...

REMOVE BLINDERS

Our first ward in West Jordan was hard.. very clickish, and I was shocked at the judgements that came our way from members... in fact there is only one family in that ward that I even keep in contact with.  Bless their heart, they scooped us up and we just became instant friends,, if it weren't for them, I know my family would have sunk into the oblivion as far as church membership and activity went...

Fast forward 2 years and one more child later and we move back to Utah, this time Southern,,, LaVerkin was AMAZING!  It was like family!  They welcomed us with open arms, quickly gave Todd and I callings,, Kenz and Jake had made friends and we were happy there.

We move to Hurricane 2 years later and this is where the blinders were lifted... Unintentionally we had moved into a ward that Todd had lived in with his ex wife years earlier... The Bishop walks up to us and says,, NO LIE!,, shaking Todd's hand, "I know you,, BUT THIS is NOT Angela!"  as he points to me... we have been married for 3-4 years at this point... and I just look at him and believe my exact words were,, NO SHIT!  Todd quickly jumped in and explained who I was,, and the two of them laughed it off... when we got home after, I realized how upset my sweet husband was about that comment,, how heartless and insensitive it was to say such a thing... seriously,,, he was livid!
Never had one hometeacher or visiting teacher visit the entire time we lived in that ward. We felt like we were back in West Jordan... and it sucked!   In September, the Young Woman's presidency showed up with a card for Kenzie's birthday that was in June.  They had no clue who we were, or anything about our family.  This was not my first realization that it's the Gospel that is perfect and not the people in it, and why exactly we, as a family went to church,, was it for us or for the social aspect,, well it was for us.. .but there's something to be said about feeling welcome no matter where you go!!  If you are treated like crap at a store, you don't go back,, if you are treated horribly at a restaurant you don't go back,, why is church any different?  I go to the store for ME, for my needs,, but I will be damned if I go back an patronize a store that treats me horrible and makes me feel unwelcome,, get where I am headed here?  We didn't go to church for 6 months that year.

We moved to into St George one year after moving to Hurricane, and Todd and I spent many nights discussing how scared I was we were going to move into the same situation.  Luckily, and through much prayer, we did NOT! I am happy to say!!  We moved into the most incredible ward in St George.. The kids loved it.. and made friends quickly,, infact, NOW both of my adult children have returned to St George to make it their home!  Most amazing ward ever.  Todd's work moved to Las Vegas, and up came that discussion,, oh the fights we had,, I did NOT want to raise our kids in Sin City,, I didn't want to live there where the church support system was not as strong as the one we had found in St George.  So we hit our knees, and I trusted my husband.

We moved out of Utah, and I tried to ignore the knot in my stomach that seemed to grow with each passing mile we drove to Henderson.  Our Bishop in St George, had called our bishop in Henderson, told him to expect us, and if we could get help moving that would be fantastic.. we woke up that saturday morning to 15-20 men waiting for us to come out and open the truck.. the next day we walked into church and the love was seriously tangible.  Hugs, welcomes, overwhelming,.. completely overwhelming!!   And the best part,, if I saw someone from my ward at Walmart after sacrament meeting,, she didn't dodge and hide down a different isle,, we laughed at the fact that we both forgot to grab something or other needed for sunday dinner.. and thought nothing more of it.  (when that happened in Utah, mainly up north, they would seriously run the other direction instead of just owning it, and avoid eye contact or talking to us the next time they saw us at church!)

We were in that ward for 5 years,, I loved it,, my kids loved it,, my husband loved it!!  He was a workaholic and rarely home until he got sick,, the continual love and support from the ladies in the ward was amazing! And for the first time in our married lives we had consistent visiting teaching and home teaching visits.. There are a handful of men that knew when Todd wasn't home, they went out of their way to make sure I was good with the kids, and didn't need anything "manly" done around the house... Then Todd got sick,, and man did our friends step up!  I could call any person in that ward, and I did,, to get help with Levi for school while I had to run Todd up to St George for Dr appointments, and those usually ended up with him in the hospital and Levi needing to stay the night at someone's house.. and not once did I feel like I was putting anyone out..or taking advantage of them.. They were simply amazing... My girlfriend was visiting me one night, I had to leave Todd in st George  at the hospital to help Jake with his eagle project,, and we had a houseful of his friends that night,, she was there, and our girls called me and told me "Mum, Dad is having stroke like symptoms,,,"  That's all I remember of that conversation,, I dont even remember getting into my car and making the 2 hour drive in an hour... I do remember my girlfriend saying "GO! We have this!  GO!! and putting me in the car with a few things and sending me on my way... I didn't have to think about Levi, or Jake,, I knew,, I KNEW they would be taken care of.. and they were.

Then came the decision it was time to move back to Utah, for Todd's kidney transplant.. oh I fought him,, again!  "this is our family! this is our support system!!! I don't want to live in utah again!!!"  I liked being in an area where people went to church because they WANTED to be there, not because they were worried about what their neighbors thought if their car was still in the driveway past the time sacrament started... (you utah implants all know I speak the truth!)  Up we headed, to West Jordan, so we could have help from family.. so I could work, and his family could help get him to his various dr appointments,,, it was awesome!

In we walk to our new ward,, again, our bishop from henderson had called and explained who we were, why we were moving and we would need help.... Open the garage door on that saturday, and the amount of people there to help us move was incredible... we had that truck unloaded in under an hour!!!   It was a little harder for me to feel connected to anyone in the ward due to my work schedule,, retail + Christmas = no life.  Todd and Levi would come home and tell me how awesome the ward was,, how much they loved it,, Levi loved his primary teacher and class, and Todd just loved feeling so welcome and not like a hindrance or burden.  Our Bishop met with Todd many times those first couple months, asking how he was doing, feeling, giving him numbers of people he could call if and when he needed assistance and I was not at home... and we met with him as a family when I wasn't working,, incredible man,, incredible bishopric,, loved the entire leadership of this ward,, but I still felt alone....
One night I came home in tears, probably mid November,, saying how much I hated it here, how I didn't have any friends...it sucked! Bless his heart, My husband says to me "baby,, YOU WORK every single day,, give it time, you will have more friends than you can count, I promise!  Just get through the Christmas crap at work!"  Little did I know a month later his words would come true more than I could ever dream!

I didn't want to move in March as most of you know,, but felt in more ways than one it was needed, for me to be able to move forward, and be happy,, not live in constant stress, fear, heartache.....

If I could've moved and stayed in the same ward, I would've!  (mostly,, again most of you know I needed to get out of that ward for one reason only. AND I didn't want to be the one to move,,, dangnabit! but he clearly wasn't going anywhere!!)

So I moved,,my bishop called my new bishop, my first counselor (and older younger brother) called and emailed him and gave him the readers digest version of all that is RHONDA, sadly not one person came to help me move in,, I depended solely on my incredible ward I was moving from and my boyfriend,,  and then I hid well for a couple months, partially waiting to see how long it would take for someone to come by,, call,,,
Then decided it was time to buck up and go to my new ward yet again...still haven't seen or heard from anyone in the ward...  fast forward to yesterday....   I have been a half dozen times or so,, and the relief society presidency had stopped by, along with a super sweet senior missionary couple that I absolutely adore!,  between traveling and playing,, summers are hard for everyone to attend church regularly,, and that's ok!

I walk into church yesterday and the bishop greets me the same way he has EVERY OTHER TIME I have gone,, "Hi, welcome,, are you new or visiting?"    SIGH,, seriously?  Ok,, give him the benefit of the doubt,, I have been in and out,, I get it.  Hurt, but I get it....
After sacrament, the sweet Senior sister missionary came up and gave me a big hug, and we laughed and talked for a few minutes.. my heart started to hurt just a little less from earlier.. *yea I know we go for us and not for others,, but again,, ya don't keep going where you don't feel welcome right?!?!?!*
The lesson in relief society was Eternal Families,, BLAH!  I have an eternal family, and I know this,, it doesn't comfort me now though, with us being split up for the time being... and definitely makes going to church hard,, being single,, but not really eternally single...
Love at Home is the opening song, and for some stupid reason tears start falling,,, no I don't know why,, and I feel incredibly stupid and vulnerable at this point,,, I catch the RS president's eye and quickly look away.  ahaha OIY!!! I hate being a mess outside of my comfortzone! and my ward is outside my comfort zone right now...
Lesson starts and discussions come up,, about how everything is in the Lord's time,, and I get it I really do,,, sensitivity is key here though,, there are singles that are singles for MANY reasons, divorce, adultery, addiction, never had the chance to marry,, NO ONE said in Heaven, SEND me down and let me be single forever!, I sit quietly in the back,, trying to breathe and remember that they don't know me,, *even if I am 100% sure I am not the ONLY single person in this ward* and are just expressing how they feel,,,, blah blah blah
Anyway,, this one lady makes a comment... "singles need to quit being so cynical of their situation.."

BLINK,,,,,  WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!?!   Are you freaking kidding me? I put on my sunglasses to cover my tears, grab my keys and leave... DONE,, DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!
That hurt!
I know she didn't mean it at me,, I know she didn't think before speaking,, it happens to all of us! *HAVE YOU MET ME!?!?!*  this is one reason I really don't offend easily,, because I often speak without thinking, mainly for shock value, but sometimes it hurts people,, and I hate hurting people!
One sister came running out after me and wrapped her arms around me and just hugged me.  When she let me go, I simply said thank you. and got in my car and drove home.

Called Tom and asked if I could come over for a bit,, hearing something in my voice,, *yes I was holding back tears and probably sounded more pissed than hurt at this point* he says yes and asks what's wrong... *que tear fest*  and I vented, spewed, let everything out,,, the bishop,the lesson in class,, eternal familie, blah,,
 *he interjects here,, *
You know you have them forever! EVEN if they aren't here now ya know,, they are yours! You have that eternal family,,,"
Yea I know,, it doesn't make it easy though,,
I know it doesn't but you have it... remember that! <3  *I'm keeping this guy For the RECORD!*

I continue ranting,,, that lady,, how much I hated this ward, they haven't made an effort to get to know me, yes the blame is not all on them,, blah blah blah,,.,

 Not once did Tom say, suck it up, you're being ridiculous,, stop the pity party.. no this man says to me "if I could have 10 minutes with this ward so they could understand all that you are, and offer them 5 days in your shoes....."  we hang up and I head over... some how this guy knows how to talk to me,, to talk sense to me, without being condescending or telling me I am over reacting,, NOT EVEN CLOSE TO KIDDING!  Even when I am being irrational, emotional and a little beyond sensitive.. I pull up a chair and watch him as he is working on his bike and we talk, I don't even remember all that was said except this from Mr Awesome,, "give it time babe,, you may be surprised and come to love this ward.. just give it time, you know why you go, why you need to go,, don't give up on yourself"  <------ seriously this is why,, right here,, one of the many reason why I love him so very much!

I leave, and see a text from the RS pres.. "are you ok? I stopped by,... please call or text me"

I text her... we chat,, and I think,, yep,, give it time,,it is going to be ok....

All it takes is that one thing, sadly,, to make or break a members activity,. that comment came close to breaking me. Closer than I have been in years.. one word,, that was all it was,, cynical..

It's sad. because I think we truly lose sight of why we are going.. what our goal is,, the goal in the end! We need to, as a society QUIT generalizing, quit grouping people together in groups,, start seeing the individuals, the family's and realizing we all have the same ultimate goal... It is hard to be a single person in a family based church.  I have been a single person raising kids, and now a single person, with grown kids,, and both are equally hard... it's hard to look over and see parents struggling to keep their kids quiet in sacrament and not knowing if I should reach out and offer help or a quiet distraction or would it be seen as me thinking they suck at doing their job? It's equally hard to look over and see that single person with that longing look in their eyes to have the opportunity to struggle to keep kids quiet in church.  The ultimate goal is the same here, with each of us sitting in that chapel... To have an eternal family and return to live with our Father in Heaven again.  Single, married, divorced, widowed, sealed or not.

I guess what I am trying to say is this,, (after this obscenely long rant),, take a look around the room, lay out in your mind your comment before saying it,,think before speaking,, how can this be taken....  reach out to the person you think is being cynical, find out their story,, invite them into yours... maybe just maybe, that one thing can make them instead of breaking them.

In the midst of tragedy comes blessings AKA LEVI'S EYE

My brother said it best on  his facebook post...

Dec 13, 2014 was a rough day for my family. Especially for my older sister as she lost her husband and 11 year old son to a dumbass drunk driver.

Dec 14,2014 was a great day for maddy.
From tragedy comes, blessings.

That driver took my life from me... my foundation... my rock ... 

As I look back over the last 19 months,, yep,, 19 long,, 19 short.. months.. I see my cup overflowing,, friendships I otherwise, never would've had... friends I can't imagine not having, can't remember a time when they weren't in my life.. We will be talking and I say "remember when,, " and they have to remind me we didn't know each other then.  

Because of that driver, I have been blessed with an #inseperablesister I love beyond words,, an #olderyoungerbrother that keeps me on the path I need to be on, even when I don't want to be on it, best friends that go puddle jumping with me when I want to hide from the world, and so many others,, too many to mention them all, *that and I can't see the screen through these damn tears* (and this is above and beyond the support and love I get from my family!!)

And this family.....

We only live about 35 miles apart.. and never would've met, if it hadn't have been for the events that happened December 13,2014.


Her humbleness, her sacred respect when she talks about my son,, my baby boy.  The tears that well up in her eyes when she speaks his name... the love she shows for him,, I adore and love her... she is such a sweet special spirit! And whether she wants it or not she now has a second mom!  ;-)

And that twinkle in her left eye,, well I like to think that's Levi smiling at me saying,, "thanks Mum,, you knew what I wanted to do, and you let me!! Thanks for that!"

There is not a doubt in my mind that he is more than thrilled that he got to help change Maddy's life for the better.  He saw firsthand what legal blindness does to a person, and how much lack of eyesight impacted his Dad, and how he struggled with every day things, like putting toothpaste on his toothbrush, or taking his insulin.

So thank you Maddy!!! Thank you for being you!  Thank you for all that you are and all you represent,, and for loving my son,,,

http://kutv.com/features/inside-the-story/inside-the-story-07-21-2016


*I feel it is worth mentioning this,, this is the first news story that mentioned that the driver was indeed intoxicated,, at the time of the accident, we did not have the toxicology reports yet and had been told by the driver that he has not been drinking, his BAL was in fact .13  almost double the legal limit. So thank you to KUTV 2*

When you don't know what to say,,,, just hug.

I have been thinking about posting this all week... do I... don't I?  Since when have I ever held anything back...


My heart hurts... more than normal lately..

I got the news on Monday that a friend of mine lost her husband to pneumonia...He had cancer and was fighting a formidable fight... that he just couldn't fight anymore.

 Immediately my anxiety kicked in. Not for myself, but for the pain and heartache I knew this friend of mine would be experiencing in the days, weeks, months to come.  How desperately I wanted to run to her home and just grab her and her babies and pull them into my bubble.. protect her and her chickens from what was coming...

Then I got a couple phone calls and a few texts...

"I hope this isn't too forward...."

"... pointers in how I can help..."

"I NEED to help her but I don't know how..."

"what helped you..."

How grateful I am that my friends know that I so do NOT get offended by these questions.  Maybe this is how I am supposed to help...

So here are my pointers for helping someone who is going through grief,, no matter what type of grief,, the pain is the same....

• DO NOT say "I'm sorry"  No one is sorrier than the person going through it.. This is something people say when they don't know what to say, and honestly, it gets exhausting to hear it.. over and over and over... Instead,, say "I love you"  and leave it at that.  
• DO NOT ask "what can I do?"  No one is thinking straight,,, especially the days following such a loss, our minds are on funeral preparations, the kids,, no matter how old,, and how on earth are we going to get up tomorrow... Just do it... just grab the person and get them out of the house.. one thing that sticks out in my mind is the night after my accident, three ladies showed up and just walked in and started cleaning,, my kitchen,, picked up Levi's room, with permission of course,  cleaned my bathrooms, and got my house ready for the entourage of company that was coming... I just sat on the couch,, numb... and the only thing I remember them asking was if anything needed to be done in Levi's room,, everything else they just did. They didn't ask what could they do, they JUST DID.  *keep in mind respect is huge here... don't disturb things that were left by the deceased without permission*
• Everyone else will be bringing dinner,, grab them and go for a drink,, dessert,,, a drive... sit on the couch and let them cry, yell, scream,, cuss until the cloud over the house is so dark you think a lightening storm is coming,,, hug them,, hold their hand,, just be there..
• A pampering basket, full of bath stuff to help them sleep,, when sleep decides to come.
• A stuffed animal with some representation of the deceased on it.. to hold, to snuggle, to yell at and to throw against a wall *don't judge, anger comes and goes like the tears do*
• She/He will break down,, eventually, and it will be huge,, maybe not at first,, it may be just a tiny break down,, and over time it will get bigger,, STOCK UP ON COFFEE POTS and China,, *hit the second hand stores*  Did you know coffee pots "PING" when thrown against a hard object and this is very therapeutic! 
• I know the urge to give grief help books is overwhelming,, resist it.. seriously,,, the last thing I wanted was to read about the right way to grieve, or how the Lord is there for me,,, I know all this stuff... it really helps,, later,,, not now though,, now is the time for anger, and tears.
• DO NOT say everything happens for a reason,, it's a lie... everything does NOT happen for a reason,, unless that reason is for us to go through trials,,, I believe we agreed to certain trials in the pre-existence, and we knew what we were getting,, dang veil gets in the way in this mortal life and we forget,, I also believe if we put all our trials into a pile and were given the opportunity to pick what ever trial we wanted, we would pick up OUR own trials!  
• Most importantly,, let them know you are there, any time... day or night, ESPECIALLY after every thing has calmed down,, the funeral is over, every one has gone back to their respective lives, and she/he is left alone,,, to figure out their new reality...  sometimes we need to be alone,, other times, we desperately need someone to grab our hand and say "come on,, let's do this"  but the thought of being "that person", or a burden is so overwhelming we forget to reach out and ask for help, or a shoulder, or a helping hand because the laundry is piling up and the kids are hungry and all we want to do is sit... 

*18 months later and I still just walk into my #inseperablesisters house and cry when needed,, be angry, unreasonable even and they all let me, that is my judgement free zone right there, we all need one!!!* WE all need that  person that will just let us go through this,, at our own pace.. there is no time line for grief.. there will always be triggers,, tears will always fall, at random, sometimes not so random...  BE THAT PERSON!!!


I don't pretend to know everything when it comes to grief...it is a personal journey, so take this for what it's worth..

Looking back these are the things that helped, or didn't help,,, and continue to do so.

Love is the ultimate gift.

Butterflies, Dragonflies and Winnie the Pooh

I can't tell you the exact time that Winnie the Pooh became such a big important part of my life... I do remember being asked who my favorite Disney character was, at a younger, early adult age, and answering Eeyore. He is depressing,, gloomy, sad... gets all the hard crap in life, and keeps going,,, with his friends beside him along the way, urging and encouraging him on!!

I do know when we bought our first house together, and I was able to do the kids rooms, Levi's was going to be Winnie the Pooh themed... I have pictures somewhere... it was gorgeous, and so much fun to do... We did all the kids rooms that year,, Kenzie's was a beach themed room complete with hammock and sand on the walls, I don't remember what Jake's was, but we did them all!  

It was the one song that calmed that baby boy down,,, "deep in the 100 acre woods, where Christopher Robin played,,, you'll find the enchanted neighborhood, of Christopher's childhood days,,, a donkey named Eeyore is his friend, and Kanga and little Roo, there's Rabbit, and Piglet, and there's owl, but most of all Winnie the Pooh!,,," Even as an infant,, this is the ONE song that stopped his crying,,, and as he got older, it usually helped calm him down in the midst of one of his temper tantrums... *he was the only one of my kids that EVER had a full blown tantrum, over and over and over again!*  I remember my mum was visiting us in Magrath one year, and Levi,  just a baby, was crying and crying and wouldn't stop,, Mum came over with him in her arms and said "ok Rhonda, sing THAT stinkin song!" She stood by me, rocking him in her arms, and within seconds of him hearing me sing he stopped crying,,, I have no clue how or why it worked,, but it did,, even when he was 9 and throwing the biggest screaming and yelling fit in his room, I would sit in his doorway, when I had the patience and mindset to do so, and sing the song quietly, and he would calm down,, and we would be able to talk about what was wrong... I changed names up as he got older, to be our family,, A donkey named Daddy is his friend, and Kenzie and Ashie, too, there's Jacob, and Andrew, and there's Adam, but most of all Levi the pooh!  The first time I did that, he was mid scream/cryfest, and he stopped suddenly and busted out laughing... :-)  Sometimes he would plug his ears and tell me it wasn't going to work, but it always did.

Butterflies became a sign for me, after the accident... a sign of rebirth, of life continuing on in all it's beauty,, of the struggles one faces before even entering their cocoon to endure even more struggles before transforming into such a beautiful completely different creature. I went and got two tattoos of butterflies,, the first one on my ankle,, blue, and yellow, gorgeous,, to remind me I am never walking alone.. they are always with me.

 The second is a more subtle white tattoo on my left wrist, in white ink, it's really hard to find someone who will do a white ink tatt,, with a semi colon as the body of the butterfly, representing me, and the depression I have had for years, and the anxiety and ptsd that manifested after the accident,, the wings are my boys, pushing me forward to the end of my story,, because for some weird reason, I am not done yet,, I need to keep writing.

   I have seen more butterflies in the past 3 months than in my entire life... Every time I see one, I think of my boys.. letting me know that I have got this, and they are missing me as much as I miss them..

I saw two dragon flies early last week, and immediately thought of my boys.once again letting me know they are with me, and never far from me.

I rarely share these moments, because I like to think of them as just for me,,, later that afternoon. a friend of mine posted this on facebook, not knowing what I had seen earlier that day,

yea that pretty much triggered tears!  Guess what I want now,,, another tatt... of a dragonfly,, yep! Not gonna get it,,, but I want to.  

I made a decision this last week,, and feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  

When I got divorced from my first marriage, people would come up to me and say, "oh I saw your ex...." and my reaction was seriously,, "ok... and....?"  It didn't affect me,, ,it didn't hurt me.. and I didn't feel anything, let alone anger or resentment.  I was happy with where I was in life.. not my ideal choice of where I wanted to be, but I lived life happily.  

I want that feeling back again.  This is in NO way where I wanted to be at this point in my life.. I never dreamt in a million years that I would be on my own at 43,, *well 42 is when it started haha*  I want to be happy.. I strive to be happy.  I look for the things that matter, I smile when I want to cry...I think I have a fantastic handle on things, I think I have forgiven the man that ripped my life from me, then someone brings him up, tells me whatever negative thing is happening in his life that they have witnessed.. and I get why, I really do,,, it's a friends way of letting you know they are on your side,, that they have your back etc etc etc...   And I love the support. I truly do... 

How can I say this without sounding like a complete bag... I don't want to hear it... I catch myself feeding into it, in certain conversations, and walk away feeling like I did that day we went and saw him in court,,, and I think,, "well that brought up all that anger and resentment,, stupid move Rhonda!"  Don't get me wrong, if you have questions please ask them,, I will do my best to answer.

My goal, is to move forward,, to be happy with where I am in life.. live it to the fullest, help others realize it is ok to forgive and move forward, letting go of the anger and ill wishes,, AND it in NO way means you have to be friends with whomever has "wronged" you or hurt you, but it does help you move forward and be genuinely happy, and take away the wrong doers power to continue to hurt you over and over again, To help others see the butterflies and dragon flies, and remember the Winnie the Pooh moments in their lives with smiles and fondness.  There are too many positives to dwell on negatives.  

It will continue to be a daily thing... to give forgiveness to one who refuses to ask for it... but in doing so I take away his power to hurt me on a daily basis.  

So I will continue to do so,, to forgive him daily, let go of the anger that seems to ebb and flow and trust that the Lord will be judge and jury when the time is right... and I will continue to look for the butterflies, dragonflies, and Winnie the Pooh moments, some days the tears will fall, and my heart will hurt, but it will NOT be because of him, I am no longer giving him that power over me, it will be because I know our boys are with us, and miss us as much as we miss them.

And they are our biggest cheerleaders. 

Strawberry Reservoir Camping 2016

Seriously, Can I just tell you that I love that he wants to take me all over and show me so many new things???  Whether we are on the back of his bike, in my car or his truck, we have so much fun together!!!

This weekend he took me to strawberry reservoir,,, OMG GORGEOUS COUNTRY!, & taught me how to cast,, yes I grew up on Vancouver Island, I think the last time I held a fishing rod I was 10... haha  I was really looking forward to him teaching me how to gut a fish, but alas, they didn't bite,, dumb fish!  I find myself looking forward to whatever it is he can and will teach me every time we are together...

I love our conversations:

 How they can be serious and, for lack of a better word, intense,,, not bad intense, just meaningful, and heartfelt... he gets the inner battle I have between loving him and still loving Todd and reassures me that it's completely 100%  OK to love them both... over how I feel ripped off of parenting at times, because I should have a 13 year old pain in my butt still here driving me insane...

And he shares his thoughts and struggles with me,, but I am not putting them on here,, they aren't mine to share,,

Then we are laughing so hard, we both have tears running down our faces,, just that quickly! Yes the *shock factor* plays heavily in our relationship!!

  I know I must drive him nuts, he has heard repeated stories over and over again, but he just listens over and over again...

He handles my heart with the gentlest of hands, and treats it like its gold.. He tells me he is proud of me doing things I didn't think I could do,, he mentions my strengths and helps me grow from me weakness'.  He is my rock,.. my person.. he lets me cry, then grabs my hand, picks me up and keeps pushing me forward.  I am not sure how I got so lucky,, but I am so grateful he is in my life!!

His patience in teaching me anything from where North is,*stop laughing!! I am a turn right or left kind of gal, but I am getting it,, I hope!* to how to shoot a gun is bar none.

Seriously, I just enjoy every minute we are together!!  We get asked all the time, what our plans are.. so I am going to put it in print... right here!!

• To keep making sure the other one is happy! 
• To keep each other laughing.
• To keep a smile on our faces
• To keep learning and growing with each other
• To keep supporting and loving each other  
• To keep communicating with each other
• To keep doing what is working for us! 

And this,, these fun adventures,and everything in between, this is what is working for us!!  <3

AMAZING!

That is the ONLY word that comes to mind when I think about this past weekend!  I keep replaying the events over and over in my head!! SO many firsts!!!  SO many amazing memories were made!!

Let me start by saying, I grew up, and by grew up I mean got older, with my dad riding a motorcycle.. so I never really had or understood the stigma that seems to follow those that ride,,, the whole,,, "don't talk to them they are bad people,, they cause fights,, they drink,, etc. etc.. gangs,, " you get the picture here... I just don't get it.. I have never really been one to not respect someone because of how they look,, how they act is a completely different story mind you!

Tom and I got to take part in the MDA Ride on Saturday. 3000+ bikers all together,, for one purpose.. to raise money and awareness for Muscular Dystrophy.  It was overwhelming and awe inspiring at the same time!  The sense of brotherhood was tangible in every sense of the word. What was even more,, what's the word,, incredible, was to see our local law enforcement there.  There were motorcycle police officers from SSLCPD, UPD, WVPD, and I am sure I am missing some, that joined us.  Keep in mind this was my first BIG ride, so the entire thing was a huge eye opening experience, to see all the bikers, and officers, nodding, shaking hands, saying hi... etc etc... it was awesome to see, especially considering all the bad press our officers have been getting.

At 1 pm we heard sirens and everyone's kickstands went up, and we were off.  LOUD.. that's the one word that can describe it.. LOUD!  The officers led us out and onto the road,, other officers stopped traffic so we could all get out and on the road and freeway safely... and thankfully there were only a couple cars that felt it necessary to get in front of "those bikers" once we were on the freeway.. most of the cars we passed were waving and a few honking, and most, very respectful. We headed to Wendover, where we got to see American Hitmen perform!  Sunday we packed up and headed back to the valley.

Where we got back just in time to shower, and get ready to go do something I have wanted to do for the last year.....

A few months ago, I got a letter from a young girl, who is the recipient of one of Levi's cornea.  She was legally blind, and her life was hindered because of this disability, as we, our family, could understand, as Todd was legally blind for the last 2+ years of his life.

I wrote her back.. trying to share with her exactly who my little boy was and all the awesomeness he represented.

I got a letter from her mom.  Heartfelt, and full of love and gratitude...

and I waited.. hoping and praying that she would want to meet.  That I could look into her eyes and see my son even just one more time....

Then,, my phone rang about a month ago.....

M: Hi,, is this Rhonda?

Me: Well that depends,, who's calling please?

M:  My name is Madison,, I am the recipient of.....

Me: Tears and sobs all over the place!!!

we talked for about 10  minutes,, she wanted to meet!!  Her family wanted to meet, to say thank you.. to have my family over for dinner.   I explained that it was just me, my other children lived in St George, and asked if I could bring my boyfriend with me, and was told absolutely!

We agreed we would get together and decided on June 5th.  I had a knot in my stomach the entire weekend.  Tom and I headed down Sunday evening.. into Lehi,, yep,, they live that close,, :-)

As he opened my car door, I just looked at him and thought,, don't throw up!  He just smiled and we walked up the driveway.  Madison was there with her sister and her two brothers in law.  She walked up to me, smiled and just wrapped her arms around me and hugged me so tight!  OH MY HEART!!!  Amazingly not one tear fell from my eyes!  *yes Tom and I both were expecting a tear fest to be honest!*  the peace that filled my heart... I looked at her and just KNEW that this is what Levi wanted... this was all in place long before we ever came to earth.  I turn around and there is a woman walking towards me, tears in her eyes as she wraps me in her arms and I hear her say "THANK YOU!   Thank you so very much,, we are family now,, forever!  THANK YOU!!"  (yea I teared up a little but still NONE fell!!)

I handed Madison a book of pictures I had printed off of Levi, hoping she would be ok with it, I just wanted them to see who he was.. how incredible he was,, all that he was... They looked through the pictures.. we talked... we laughed,, I shared memories of him.  Madison's mom said to me,, I saw you on the news that night,, I heard your story, and something just told me this was the one,, this was who was going to help Madison....

OH MY HEART!

We sat out on their deck after dinner talking and laughing.. sharing stories,, Madison participated in the Miss Lehi pagent the day before and is 1st runner up,, is that the terminology??  WAY TO GO MADISON!! ,, She is now working at the Eye Bank, and loving it.

I don't remember how it came up, but she was looking off into their field and said something like,, I can't see it... and her mom says "Use your Levi eye then!" Oh we laughed so hard!!  I told her she had permission to blame all the good on Levi's influence on Madison.

We left feeling completely loved, and like family.  I hope we can continue to stay in contact and I can't wait to see all this fantastic young lady accomplishes in her life!!!

We met as strangers, left as family.  They hold a very special part of my heart.

Madison and I

Madison, me and her mom. 💚💖💜

There were a couple things said throughout the night that let us know that Levi was right there... one that I remember was when Madison and her sister started doing "your mom" comments, and Angela joined right in!! I just sat back and laughed so hard,, and thought,, "Ok buddy,, got it,, you're here,, you're right here, in this room with us!!!  Thank you!!!"  *yea now I have tears in my eyes,, blink them back,, it's a good makeup day!*  and I wish I could remember the other one,, we were sitting at the dinner table, and something was said, YES!!!  Thank you Alex!!, Maddys sister just reminded me,,,, 

Alex was talking to her,, ugh I think it was her husband?, may have been her dad,, I hate widow rain!, and she something to the effect of,, why are you not being useful,, go make me a sammich!!

I laughed so hard!!!  Levi thought it was hilarious to tell me to get in the kitchen and make him a sammich, something he picked up from his oldest brother just before he left on his mission,,,,

and I just thought,, Yep,, Levi's here.