Catch 22

 I tend to ramble when I blog, I have way to many thoughts running through my head. So for that I apologize now.  If I dont get them out,, my head will explode, and that would just leave a HUGE mess for me to clean up, which I couldn't because well, my head would be all over the place,,, see what I mean!!  :-)

With the exception of yesterday, these last couple days have been really hard.  I go to bed exceptionally early, or rather try to, due to my crazy work schedule during the holiday season.  Yes we are in the holiday season in the retail world, and to those of you who cry out "Let thanksgiving have it's day first!", I say,,, we did.. October 7 was thanksgiving,, In Canada, so let the Christmas bells ring.  Anyway, I digress,  Hubby has had a really rough few days.  Between all these stinking meds he takes and struggling to keep food down, he tends to sleep most of the day.  well, not really sleep, but more lay down and think his stomach calm.  I leave for work and he's in bed, I come home and he's in bed.  He's gotten up in between to get our youngest out the door for the school bus, and he calls me after he leaves letting me know how the morning went and how he is feeling, then heads back to bed. (I panicked a couple of times when we came home from the hospital the first time because he didn't answer the phone when I called him and I had a friend go check on him to make sure he was ok, so now he calls to let me know he woke up and is breathing)

I always ask him "did you take your meds?" and the response is usually a long pause with a frustrated sigh.  I get it,, I really do.  I have seen what these meds do to him.  Yes they are keeping him "alive" right now.  Keeping his blood pressure down, keeping his heart from growing that horrid sac of fluid around it AGAIN, keeping his kidneys from shutting down for good and his body from retaining fluid and bloating up.  They are also keeping him nauseous, dizzy, light headed, foggy, quick to anger, and just about every other negative symptom out there.  Seriously, it's like the drug commercials out there,, "...may cause bloating swelling, temperment issues, diarrhea, sweating, nausea, vomiting, etc etc etc, see your dr if you have any concerns"  WHO WOULD WANT TO TAKE THAT?????

We have talked to the dr about this, and our dr laughed good heartedly, saying, "that's how I know you're taking your meds.  If, when I ask you how are you feeling and you tell me fine, and I ask if you are taking your meds and you say yes,,,, I know you're lying"  Well played dr... well played.

It's hard for me to watch my husband go through this.  I am a fixer.  I don't like it when something is broken and I can't fix it or make it better. And he does really really good at masking all he is going through, to the outside world, but I see it daily.  I wish I could take his meds for him.  I wish he had listened to me over the years as I nagged him to take better care of himself. I wish the pharmacist that screwed up that prescription hadn't been working THAT day.  I wish, I wish, I wish......  I hope that anyone who is reading this blog that has diabetes learns from our mistakes.  Yes they are our mistakes,  I bought the groceries, I am the one who said, "we deserve a treat", and brought all that crap into our house over the years and sat and ate it with him.  I share the blame in where he is at. 

And now all I can do is hope and pray that whomever out there that happens to stumble upon this blog, and has that horribly silent and very deadly disease, will have their eyes opened and realize that a shot of insulin will NOT fix the high blood sugars,, permanently.  The only thing that will do that is diet, discipline and exercise.

That is all,, nothing more,,, nothing LESS!  I have heard of people who's diabetes all but disappears and they live with it, they don't suffer from it.  I wish I had listened to them earlier.



  

Just another day in the life....

It's been a while since I have blogged, and for that I am truly sorry.  Things have been going relatively well since our last dr visit.  Alot  has happened.  I got a new job with Macy's, which is now full time and a 25 minute commute each way.  Jacob, our oldest son, got his mission call,, YAY! He is going to the Georgia Macon mission, he reports December 18.  He is so ready to go, and kind of feels like he is in limbo right now. And my sweetheart is not in need of new kidneys,,,, yet.

I am so blessed to have the best husband in the entire world!  He has transitioned well into a stay at home dad.  I come home from work and he gets up to greet me and make me dinner, if it isn't already waiting for me when I come home.  He helps out with laundry, and keeps Levi quiet when I have to go to bed early.  I came home a few weeks ago from work and Todd offered to make me a salad for dinner, so I sat down at the table and watched him work. (not being sarcastic here, I really enjoy just watching my man!)  He reaches into the fridge and I see him stumbling with his hands inside the fridge, I ask him if he's ok and he claims he is... then I watch as he begins to slice a cucumber.  Tears fill my eyes, he is using his hands as his eyes.  he is gliding the knife down his fingers and using his fingers to measure how big of a slice of cucumber to cut.  I mention this and he goes quiet.  He doesnt say anything.  I quietly get up and grab the cheese for him (it's pregrated), and he says "No, leave it, I can do it, I have to know where things are"

We needed to talk.

My strong, tough guy, all American husband had kept from me how bad his eyesight had gotten.  He didn't want to worry me or stress me out any more than necessary.  Apparently me waking up in the middle of the night three or four times to make sure he is ok was not a secret.  He tells me he can see shadows, that is all.  He can make out shapes on good days.  I don't know what to do for him or how to fix this.  We have seen a retna specialist, and he was getting shots in the eyes every 6 weeks, but at $1000 a pop, that simply can't go on forever.  We had stopped doing his right eye about 6 months ago because they were no longer helping it.

People that come over to visit just dont realize how sick he really is.  His kidneys are still failing, which makes him excruciatingly tired on an hourly basis.  He has days, weeks where he can not keep anything down, where it takes all his energy just to lift his head.  Then there are days where he seems perfectly healthy, still using a cane on  a daily basis, he goes about his day as if he is healthy,, although he still needs to stop and rest every so often.  I watch as he stumbles to the couch because his neck is going to give out.  I watch as he gets ever so frustrated that he can't do a simply thing like sort the laundry, or find a utensil in the drawer.   I hold him as he cries because he says he has failed me as a husband and a father.  I watch as our oldest boy asks his dad if he wants to go on a father/son date.. son's treat, and Jake willingly drives his father anywhere he needs or wants to go.  I watch as our youngest son runs and grabs his dad's blood kit so he can test his blood sugars, and I watch as Levi reads to his dad the numbers off the meter, and asks "what insulin dad, and how much?"

I watch as my husband gets sicker and sicker and all I can do is pray.... pray that there is some way we can fix this.. pray that he's not taken from me yet.  That is a thought that is the very frontmost part of my thoughts all day long, every day.  My daily silent prayer as I leave my house is "Please Heavenly Father,, Let him have a good day!, Let him be ok when I get home"

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, Todd, the boys and I have all learned so much from all of this. I guess we still have more to learn.  I have never once said "why me,, why us,, why now?"  I have always thought, "Ok the Lord knows we can handle this,,, let's handle!"  and if it's not us, it would be someone else,, and honestly,, I wouldn't wish this on any one of you.


 Someone tell me diabetes is an every day disease, and it doesn't kill any more.  Someone tell me it's ok, they can take a shot after eating junk.  Someone tell me it won't happen to them.  someone tell me I DON'T KNOW!  Send that Someone to come stay at my house for one week.  See what diabetes does when you don't look after it. 

I just want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok and soon I will have my handsome healthy husband back. 

I was talking to a friend of mine about all of this and how I needed an outlet and she suggested I blog... DUH!  I'm certainly up early enough.  So this will become sort of like a journal for me... for those who want to follow along.  And if no body reads it... it will be for me. I need it.  I need to let my feelings out without putting more stress on my husband who has to put every ounce of his energy into healing himself.  I try not to let him see me cry, I save it for when I'm in the tub, or right now,, while he is sleeping and I'm headed out the door to work. He'll never know. I'll come home with a smile on my face and do all I can to help him.  He doesn't need my stress to stress him out.  so thank you for letting this be my new outlet.  {if any of you tell him what I'm saying on here I may disown ya! ;-)}

Good news!

We went back to st George yesterday to see the kidney dr and get the results of his last blood panel we had done. The dr comes in and we chat, he tells us everything looks great, we are doing everything right and to keep up the good work. I asked about meeting the transplant team next month like he mentioned when we were in the hospital in February and when we were going to do that step, he gets on his computer saying "Yes, lets get you in in may!" Stops for a second and says,,,"Actually guys, I can't send you, your kidneys have gotten their second wind, they are functioning twice as well as they were in February, they transplant team won't even let me make an appointment!, WAY TO GO!"

WHAT?!?!?!?!!! Thank you all for the prayers and fasting! Don't even tell me it doesn't work!!!! Todd will still inevitably need a transplant, but in 2-3 years now. Not right away!!! We are ecstatic. And hopeful that by some miracle he can be healed without any surgery. Faith and hope.

So we will keep plugging along, doing what we are doing and ask you all to keep doing what y'all are doing. We go back up to the drs at the end of May, hopefully for even more good news!!!! We love you. Thank you for everything.

Yay for good news!

So our beloved dr Goodger came in this morning and told us Todd is doing much better. He needs to get up and walk around to see if he's going to pass out again, here's the place to do it!!

I asked Dr G about dialysis and he said when kidneys are at a 4.5 is when they start looking to dialysis. Todd was at a 4.1 yesterday. This morning his kidneys are at a 3. Something. Dr. G couldn't remember what it was be he was thrilled!! Which makes me thrilled.

Todd and I walked the floor before lunch and when we came back to the room we saw a sign posted on the doorframe. Made us both chuckle.(Most of the patients with this on their door are way older than Todd.)

Our goal is to be able to go home tomorrow.

At least we were in st George!

Mom, MOM!!MOM!!!!!! Was what I heard being yelled out if my daughters mouth. I come around the truck and there is my sweetheart, legs under him just about to hit the asphalt. I run to him and catch his head as it slightly bounces up. This has been my worst fear since we left the hospital a month ago, that he would pass out and fall hard. Thank heavens he was right next to the truck, he hit that first. I don't it doesn't sound like a good thing but when the other option is face first on asphalt,,, yea I'm glad the truck was there.

He quickly came to and the first words out of his mouth were, "I don't know where I am". He looked up at me and said "honey, I'm ok. I have to get my legs out from under me". Ok at least he knew who I was and he knew Kenzie. We laid him down on the asphalt and let him rest for a bit.

I told him, we are here in town, lets get you looked at. He fought me on it, but lets face it, I usually get my way. So we go to the instacare here in town and they won't even look at him. We are told he has to go to the ER. Even if he was only out for no more that 30 seconds. So we go to the ER. We pull up and a nurse comes running out with a wheelchair, and I think the instacare has called,, nope, we just pulled up right in front of the door and she was there. She heard he passed out and ran him back, by the time I got back there they were doing another EKG, blood panel and other tests. After about an hour and a half we get word that his kidneys have gone from a 2.7 to a 4.1. NOT GOOD!!!!! He's very dehydrated, which is why he passed out. He hasn't been able to keep much of anything down. And that has caused his kidneys to "crash" even more.

So now we are here until the drs get his fluids up and can figure out why he isn't keeping food down.

Dr. Goodger has already been in and said it isn't like last time, they just need to find out why. So that's the good news. We should know more tomorrow morning.


At least we were in St. George when it happened.

Swelling down pics

Ok here are the pictures of his feet when the swelling was about half down when we were in the hospital and now.

weight loss and Valentines day

It truly amazes me what we do to our bodies and all we put ourselves through on a daily basis. When Todd went into the hospital, a month ago, they weighed him and he weighted 270 lbs.  I knew he had put on weight, he knew he had put on weight, and we both knew it was a lot of weight.  It didn't bother me, he weighed 370 when we got married, but I was concerned about his health.  Enter Heart disease and kidney failure.  Sigh!  We have both been diligent in watching our sodium and potassium intake.  Ya never know how creative one can be in the kitchen until you HAVE to be.  He stepped on the scale yesterday morning, he has to weigh himself every day to make sure his body is NOT retaining more fluid, and hit an all time low,,  219 lbs! WHAT???  OK I would say about 85% of that is fluid FINALLY leaving his body, and the other 15 is my mad cooking skills!  BUT STILL, that is the smallest he has been our entire married life.  He is withering away.  So today, my to do list consists of calling the dr and making sure he wants Todd to continue to take the diuretic.   His feet look amazing, I will post a pic today when I get home from work, if I remember.  Aside from the dizziness he constantly feels, he is moving around so much better.  I still worry about him constantly when I am at work. I think I always will.  it helps that Jake gets out of school by 1 pm so he is home if his dad needs him.

This man (Todd, not Jake) IS my valentine.  There are not enough words in the English language to express how much I love him. And I would go through this 10 times over if it meant I got to spend eternity with him.  He is my world, my love, my life.  He keeps me strong, and supports anything I want to do.  It is my hope that our girls find someone just like their dad, whose life goal is to make his wife happy.  

I love you baby.