Anniversarys

Anniversarys are usually filled with flowers, sentimental gifts and love. And this one will be no different. We will have flowers, the love will be tangible and the sentimental gifts are under the tree this year. It's been a year of learning who I truly am.  And how strong my children truly are. It's been a year of becoming closer than I ever dreamed with my first born, of prayers for my second born, of dreams, of figuring out where I fit in my extended family and realizing how loved we truly are.  It's been a year of asking for priesthood blessings, reaching out for hugs and comfort, of letting people in. Forgiving, even when he doesn't think he did wrong.

A year of figuring out how to live with half my heart with our Father in Heaven and the other half still beating within me. 

This year I have seen so many blessings. I have seen people at their best and their worst. My family has grown so very large.  I have realized that family isn't always blood. I hug more, I am slower to anger, I love more willingly, I seek what is important and am working on not letting what doesn't matter affect me in a negative way. Love is eternal. And that is all we can take with us. 

I know I will get to see them again. I have seen them In my dreams.  I have felt their love surround me during difficult times. I have witnessed the tender mercies of our Lord. 

I have never been so happy to see a year come to an end. 

As Christmas approaches I am reminded of the greatest gift we ever received.  The birth of our Savior. Because of that gift, I get to be with my family forever!  Because of that gift I will be reunited with those that have gone before me, and it will be as if not one day has passed that we were apart.

So I ask you today and this Christmas season, fill your homes with love. Hug a little harder. Let the little things go, the things that won't affect your eternal happiness. Remember the true meaning of Christmas. And love.  Love like you won't get a tomorrow. Make memories. Take pictures. Because one day, that is all we will have left that truly matters and helps us through each day. 

I miss them. Every single day. Some days with smiles, some days with tears. Some days with heartache, and others with laughter. I crack inappropriate widow jokes, I laugh, I cry. I continue to love.  

Thank you is not enough., yet there is nothing more I could say,  But my family could not have gotten through this year without all of you. I love each of you so very much.  And consider you all my family. 

Here's to 2016 and doing what really matters.  

Everything happens for a reason,,,,,

I have heard this statement, even said it from time to time, so many times over the last 12 months, and I believed it,,, until one day it hit me out of the blue...

NO! Not everything happens for a reason, unless that reason is someone's stupidity... sometimes bad things happen to good people.  There is no rhyme or reason to it, there is no purpose in it happening, it is not meant to help you, make you stronger, bring you peace, etc. etc.. sometimes stuff just happens!!!!

Let me be clear, I believe that we agree to everything that will happen on this earth in the pre-existence, before we are born.  I believe with all my heart, that I sat upon my Heavenly Father's knee and promised him that I would be "oh so good" if He would just let me go down to Earth and experience having a body.  A body that bled, that loved, that hurt, that ached, that felt.  I firmly believe that He showed me everything that would happen, in my life, that we sat together and He said to me, 'my precious daughter, you will experience heartache like no other.  You will want to give up, you will want to come back, you will want to quit... please know that I love you, that I am here for you, all you have to do is call Me, and I am there'.  He knew what would happen, He knew that on that day, at that time, a drunk driver would take what I held dearest to me from me. He knew,, and He could've stopped it,, but then why? Why would He have given us His Son, Why would He have let Himself experience such heartache and pain as to watch His children persecute and torture His Only Begotten Son?

I was talking to a friend that is more like an awesomely protective older brother, who is really younger than me,,, and I said, you know,, there is no reason this happened,,, right?  and he whoelheartedly agreed with me... that is when I was able to look at this differently...

There was no reason, it was not planned, but it was agreed to.  I agreed to go through this.. my children agreed to go through it, my family agreed to as well.  *Although they may not agree with me saying this.. haha*  It wasn't so I could be stronger,,, I am plenty strong enough, honestly!, It was simply an accident, caused by the negligence on someone else's part. And if the Lord had stepped it, and stopped this person's decision, then the Atonement would have been useless.  Everything has a price, and that price has been paid by our Savior.

Right now, my job, as much as I hate it, is to forgive... forgive this man for taking the life of my husband, my son.  For robbing my children of having a father for the important stuff, of having a grandfather for their kids, and an Uncle who would get down and play with them and teach them all the bad things to do.  Right now, my job, is to be strong for my children. To show them, as our Father in Heaven has shown us, how to forgive the unforgiveable.  How to keep moving forward when all we all want to do is just stop.

That is my only job right now.  Myself and my family.... we will be ok.  Eventually, not today, not tomorrow, not next week,, but we will be ok.... We will lean on each other, and the Lord, we will hold each other, pick each other up, and above all listen.... we will take turns crying,, there will be days when I will be as solid as a rock, and there will be days when I will need someone else to be the rock, and that's ok!

I love this article and the message it has.....

http://brightside.me/article/not-everything-happens-for-a-reason-the-magic-words-to-say-when-everythings-going-wrong-55105/

My list of to do's...

I borrowed this from someone in a widow/widowers group that I am part of on facebook,, People ask me how I have changed,, how my life has changed, and I just look at them with a blank "are you serious" look... so here it is!!!  *Sometimes other's can put into words what I simply can't wrap my head around quite yet!*

"Someone asked me recently how my life has changed being a widow. Here are some things you can tell someone that doesn't realize how much your life has changed.

What does it mean to be a widow?
It is making decisions you thought you would never have to make
It is deciding if you want your name on a headstone yet
It is cooking for one
It is candle lite dinners alone
It is trying to figure out where you fit in
It is sitting home lonely because you don't want to be a burden to anyone
It is learning to live alone, for the first time in your life
It is holding yourself together for your children
It is learning to sing and smile again
It is filing paperwork to get what is rightfully yours
It is trying to make everyone happy with your decission
It is a ton of 'why me'
It is piling junk on the bed so the space next to you doesn't seem so empty
It is having the first year of difficult dates pass, when everyone else is over your loss in a week
It is not knowing what to do with your future
It is staying out late with your widow friends so you don't have to go home to an empty house
It is wishing couples wouldn't complain about being married
It is wanting to be surrounded by family during holidays so you won't feel so alone
It is wondering if your kids will call
It is being told not to talk to your friend's husband anymore because you are single
It is being forgotten when your church has a dance or party for couples
It is learning to kill the spiders, fix the electrical issues, and make your own home repairs
It is having a hole in your heart and life
It is not having someone to discuss politics rationally with anymore
It is not having someone's hand to hold when you need strength
It is holding your pet when there is no one to hold you
It is trying to feel love on Valentine's Day
It is hiding the pain of loneliness
It is not wanting to date because you can't ever replace your spouse
It is wanting to date so you don't have to live alone
It is not being invited out with your married friends anymore
It is going out to dinner alone
It is not having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
It is wondering if you are a horrible person when you move on
It is deciding when to take off your wedding ring
It is depending on God for survival and to walk with you
It is finding out you have joined the Widows Club, a club you didn't want to join with a very high entry price paid"

* credit to Grace Christophersen-Chumley for writing this list, and putting so eloquently down what I could not get together to make sense in my head!

This nails it!   I could comment on each little "it is.." but you get it,, I hope.... Some of these are easier than others,,, and some you just can't do overnight....

Mixed emotions, need a place to spew!

I am so over emotions... seriously.. over them.  One minute I am laughing my head off and the next I cry like a colicky baby.   I love Christmas and everything it represents...

• I love being around my family
• I love decorating 
• I love wrapping the presents and anticipating the looks on my loved ones faces
• I love shopping for or making that ONE perfect gift

This year is so different.  So Strange,, so foreign.  I don't ever recall a time when I dreaded the Christmas season... that's not the right word, I don't dread it,, I just don't want it to come....

My entire floor on my main level is completely ripped up, due to the negligence of Lowe's fridge installers, and mold was found... YIPEEEE!!!!  Now I get to fight with them over whether or not they are going to pay for that as well as the new flooring, deal with my insurance company, and wait for them to decide what they will cover,, my son comes home in 11 days, to a ripped up unfurnished first floor of a new house with a completely new feeling in it.. *the emptiness is quite tangible actually* , and my parents will be here 7 days after that,,, and we will have a house FULL of people for the luncheon at Jake's homecoming,, oh I am so freaking excited.

Shopping sucks,
decorating is over rated
I wrapped presents last night and thought,, "sigh,, why bother, they know what they're getting"
And my family is missing it's anchor and little goofball....
I miss buying for those two... I miss finding that perfect gift for Mr Show NO Emotion, and seeing a smile creep across his face... I miss knowing I have that one present Mr Spoiled is hounding me for,,, I miss the anticipation that invades our home, I miss taking him out to find his dad and his sibling the gifts he wants so desperately to give them!  I miss having someone to go shopping with... even though he complained.  haha

Can I just hide for the month of December please?  In fact, I'd like to skip right to February, if no one else minds....

Just like getting a smack upside the head.....

it hits you out of nowhere... the Holiday season.  And BAM!!! Here it is,,, upon us.

In years past, I have hounded Todd to let me put the tree up November 1... let's pull out the decorations and get this thing started,, haha,,, and it was always a fight, it became tradition, I would beg, he would say not until after thanksgiving,, I would remind him we did a thanksgiving already, he would tell me after the REAL thanksgiving, I googled which country changed the holiday,, guess who it was,,, yup,, good ol' US of A! I still lost this argument every year... mostly because I conceded.  It was all in fun. And I think the kids expected it every year.  Levi would laugh, Jake and Kenz would just roll their eyes in disgust.  Gotta love traditions!


This year things are different.  This year is the beginning of new traditions:

I went down to Kenzie and Jeff's for thanksgiving this year.  Didn't have to cook a single carrot. Mackenzie did an amazing job and cooked the entire meal all by herself.  Such a change from years past.  After dinner, they humored me and we went to walmart to see if I could grab the few black friday deals I needed/wanted.  We got them.  IN and OUT, no lines, no fighting.  Easy Peasy

Friday we just chilled, and did a little more shopping, relaxed and I crocheted and she knitted.  It was so nice to just be there and not have to do anything.

Saturday the three of us went shooting.  It is nice to have someone in my immediate family that has a knowledge of guns and can teach me without sounding like a smartass!  Jeff is so good about making sure we know what we need to before we shoot, and it's always fun to watch him interact with Kenz, and see the little things he does for her to show he loves her.

We sat and watched a couple Christmas movies together, and that was the only thing Christmasy we did,, no Christmas music, no decorating,, *weird for our family,, trust me!*

As much fun as it was, there was something missing....

Sunday I came home.  I am torn between putting up a tree and not putting up a tree... the main reason is my floor is all torn up due to water damage! NO BUENO!  *Lowe's is fixing it,, on their own freaking time! jerks!!,, now we have mold! but that's a whole other blog post!*

I got home yesterday and got to go out with a friend, ok so he's a little more than just a friend,, we went to dinner, then drove around Sugarhouse looking at all the amazingly overpriced houses, and their Christmas lights, talked for a bit, then went to see Mocking Jay 2...  we both loved it!  It was the perfect ending to a perfect weekend.

At the risk of him reading this,, let me tell you a little about him... and why he makes me smile...

• I went to get out of the truck yesterday and he "yells" (not really yells, you know what I mean) "Hey, what are you doing?"   I pull my legs in and shut the door... chivalry is a funny thing,, you don't want the guy you are with to think you expect it, and it's so freaking awesome when they expect to do it without you saying anything.
• He holds my hand the entire time we are driving.
• He lets me talk about my husband and my son, and doesn't roll his eyes, or sigh in frustration
• He holds me when I cry and miss the old me and my old life, and just lets me cry.
• We can communicate and talk like grown ups about the things that are important to us, without upsetting the other person
• When he hugs me, he lets out a small almost inaudible sigh of happiness, (at least I hope it's happiness)
• He lets out a VERY audible sigh of contentness and happiness when I rub his back
• He is very patient and gives me the time I need to figure this new world out.
• He grins from ear to ear when I am meeting him somewhere and he spots me. (his whole face lights up, do you know what that does to me??)
• He makes me smile.
• He does the little things for me.. the things that matter

He isn't perfect!  but he does make me laugh. And I love that.  It feels good to have someone on my side again. And who knows where we will end up... for this moment, right now, it is good, and I am happy.  (I am 99% sure he is too! haha)

I know it's hard for my kids to see me dating, or hear me talk about it. But they let me. And they are supportive as well, which I am so very grateful for.

So here I go, jumping into the holiday pool head first off the high dive... figuring out how on earth I am supposed to keep going with half of my heart gone, and the other half feeling so very full....

LIFE is good, it isn't always easy, and when you make the best out of a bad situation, and just keep swimming,, life is very good. And I find myself feeling less sad and more grateful with each passing day.

So Merry Christmas everyone,, I will get my tree up,, eventually, Christmas will come, Jake will be home in 14 days, Kenz will be back up here, for his homecoming, and things will fall into place.

Kiss your loved ones, overuse I love you, hold hands, hug, and keep the real meaning of Christmas in your hearts....and know there are Angels among us, helping us through it all and putting the right people in our lives.

https://youtu.be/LUtc_olEiRY

copy and paste the above link, to listen

TICK TOCK..TICK TOCK..

I watch the hands on my living room clock continue to tick on.  Does it not realize what I would give for it to just stop,,, time... I just want it to stop right now.  So many things are happening, and I am not ready to face them as a widow.

I was doing ok today, until they mentioned the ward Christmas Breakfast on December 12, Saturday,,, different date, same day... the last thing we did as a family.  The last thing I got to do with Todd and Levi before I left for training shortly after that.  Then the musical number had me all but sobbing,, and I can't remember what that song is called that was played, but that pretty much did me in for the day...

Our Missionary comes home on December 14,, 2 more p-days and I get to hold him again.  I find myself trying desperately to fill a void that simply won't be filled... their presence will be so greatly missed.. *don't tell me they will be there,,, it's not even close to the same*,

Then Christmas,, How exactly am I supposed to do this?  I went and bought a small tree to put up, decided it was a good idea.  And bought Dr Who, and BYU ornaments,, I am on the hunt for some lego ornaments because well frankly that would make it just perfect.  I don't want to do stockings this year,,, the fun of arguing with Todd about what exactly does and does not go into a stocking is lacking this year.

*Sigh*  Then oldest daughter is getting married next year.  CAN'T TIME STOP??  What I want is to keep my missionary right where he is,, although I desperately want him home, I know he is protected and doing good in Georgia,, and frankly, I don't have to worry about him quite as much as I do when he is home... adult or not.  I want to skip Christmas,,, I want to Celebrate that we got through this very humbling year, I want to sleep all day, I want to celebrate the birth of my Savior, I want to be alone, I want to be surrounded by family and friends.  I want to get through the next 6 weeks with no tears, but that likely isn't going to happen.  *sigh*

I am heading to St George for American Thanksgiving this week at my daughters house.  She commented on how we have switched places, she is super excited that I am coming,, and although I am excited,,, I am, well, I am dreading the drive.  Usually we are flipped and I am the one excited.

I am not sure I will ever again be excited like I used to be.  There is always this "element", that is missing,,,

I came across a picture the other day of Levi in a baby swing, he was either 4 or 5,, and just being a goof,, I posted it on Facebook, and was laughing so freaking hard,,  suddenly my heart literally broke and I realized I was no longer laughing, but sobbing,,, hard...  I miss them,, every single day.  It seems I wake up every day and think, OK here we go again, and I grab my smile from my nightstand and just go.  And 95.5% of the time I am genuinely happy, and ok, even great some days.... but then that stupid Grief wheel spins and I do a complete 180, and I can never find enough kleenex.

I took a "selfie" today because well, I can,, and I noticed how much this last year has worn on me.  I look tired... worn out,,, exhausted,,,, beaten down.  haha  So many gray hairs and wrinkles.... Red eyes, and I hadn't even cried yet.

I just want time to stop, but it won't, so I will keep smiling, and keep putting my feet on the ground, because frankly, the other choice is not all that appealing, I despise laying in bed wide awake.... and I will keep leaning on my Father in Heaven and my friends and family,,, and pray that 2016 goes just a little easier on all of us.

There's something to be said... *just a muddlemess of my thoughts today*

about time.  In one way it completely sucks how it just keeps ticking by...  we get up, go to work, come home, and everything is the same,, yet oddly enough, nothing is the same.  The kids have grown even just a teenie bit, they have learned, irritated, babies get older, parents die,*or they are supposed to die before the kids*.  And pain... it seems to lessen as time ticks by.

(not exactly sure how I want to say this so stay with me)

 11 months.  47 weeks, 334 days,  

 That is what tomorrow is.  That is how long it has been since I got to kiss my  husband, hug my baby, look at their warm faces. That is how long it has been since I started this journey that I never once thought I would be on.

11 months of tears,

47 weeks of heartache

334 days of continually telling myself I can do this,, and I have to do this.


11 months of love

47 weeks of support

334 days of continually knowing someone has my back


11 months of trying to fit this new skin given me

47 weeks of new friends

334 days of learning to love all over again


11 months of growth

47 weeks of discovering just how strong I really am

334 days of knowing that forgiveness is the key

the key to:

• being able to smile again,
• laugh and actually mean it,
• hear video of their voices and not break down into a sobbing blubbering mess, 
• allowing myself to be happy and falling in serious like with another human.  
• learning that in-spite of our differences we can still love and support each other
• letting go of what doesn't matter
• loving and caring more
• realizing what is really important

I sit here in awe of the road I have traveled this last year. Of the outpouring of love and friendship.  The cards and messages I have received from people thanking me for helping them, through whatever trials they are facing.  When you face your worst nightmare, does a new one replace it, or can you tackle anything else life throws your way?  *a question I am NO WHERE NEAR asking!*

People ask me if I have plans for next month,,, the 1 year mark,, my plan is the same as every other day for the last 334,, get up, get dressed,,finish putting the final touches on my son's man cave,  put a smile on my face, and hopefully, make a difference in someone else's day! 

And then the next day,, I am going to the airport to pick up my oldest son at the Airport after he has served the Lord for two very long years in Georgia. I will hug him, and kiss him, perhaps give him a smack, as I am sure he is overdue... and share him with all my family and friends *there really is no difference at this point in my life fyi!*.  

Time will keep passing, and I will continue to miss two of the most important people in my life, and as time passes, the tears become less, the laughter becomes more, the heartache lessens, and we support and continue to hold each other up as we muddle through it, and pray we each come out on top.