Moving forward... or moving on?

I have always hated the term 'moving on', it implies something being left behind.  And for the last 15 months I have fought 'moving on'.  There was nothing to leave behind,, no bad marriage, no abuse, no horrid child, why would I move on?

Moving forward, one gets to take things with them.. memories, love, happiness, even the sadness, anger, hatred...no matter how we want to leave it behind,,It was said to me at one point in my doubting my decision that sometimes you need to physically move out of that situation in order to be able to leave that negativity behind, no matter how much you are surrounded by love and positivity!

I walked into OUR home for the final time yesterday,,,

to clean, and pick up the odds and ends that were left there on Saturday.  There were a few dings that needed to be patched so I went to work, while my friend, her girls, and "my" kids from next door, cleaned and wiped down walls, and picked up the yard.  They came and told me there were a couple dings downstairs that needed to be filled,,, *GULP*  haven't been down there since Jake moved out in December, and even then it was only for a minute or two... ok no big deal,,, I went down and patched up the holes... and then I thought "well I should check the bedroom and make sure"  It's like the tear ducts just knew when I had entered that room,, every one was up stairs cleaning and wiping and I sunk to the floor and cried for about 5 minutes.  Empty...  I hate that feeling... and that is how it felt.. completely and utterly empty. Not one sign that that sweet boy of mine had ever even been there.  No clothes tossed on the floor, no garbage in the corner, no drawings from his friends or sketches he had done hanging on the walls.  Nothing. It hurt.  So much.  To my very core, all I could think of was, "it's like he was never even here in this space"

  As I got up and headed back upstairs, I glanced in the "lego room"  the room that I was so excited to let him have.. to let him get lost in his imagination in,, to build, to create... yep,, more tears.

 I went back up to the main floor and just let it sink in for a minute, this was it.. This was my decision and mine alone to do this.. to close this chapter.  To move forward, and in essence, move on, but OH MY HELL it's harder than I ever anticipated!  Not so much the fear of never seeing my friends again, because let's face it,, no one can get rid of me that easily,, ,more of the fear of forgetting... forgetting what it sounded like to hear his laughter creep up the stairs, or hear footsteps over my head as his dad went from the bedroom to his mancave...(I had already closed the door to that room last week, and no way was I going in there again!) yes I heard those footsteps and that laughter long after they were gone. Fear of leaving behind what WE had created....

I sat in my car, after all my helpers had left, and watched the garage door close, the tears fell freely and I let them. I must have looked at the gear shift for what felt like eternity, before I finally put it into reverse and pulled away.  I let the tears fall as I drove to Smith's to grab a few things,, I let the tears fall as my own personal Nephite wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tight it seemed to glue the broken together again.  And I let the tears fall as I drove up THAT street one more time headed to my new home. (only have to go up that street now IF I go to THAT Smiths, and even then I can still not go up that street!)

As I headed down the road towards my new place, peace seemed to fill the car... the tears slowed and came to a stop.. I felt arms wrap around me, and I heard someone say "Let's do this,, we got you!"

I walked into my apartment, and was greeted with....

Peace... something I have not felt continually for a long time.  Just complete and udder peace.  What bliss.

The apartment is about 85% unpacked so I was able to just sit and enjoy it for a bit before heading to bed... you know that feeling you get when you walk in the door after being gone from home for an extended period of time,, that feeling of bliss, of being home,, where you know you belong... Yea,, I felt that again,, finally,,, last night.  *actually have felt it every time I walk into my new living quarters!*

I am looking forward to moving forward,, and moving on, leaving the hate, the anger, the sadness and bringing the good, the happiness and EVERY SINGLE DROP OF ALL THAT LOVE with me.  It's a good thing!

Thanks 7652 Yellowwood lane... it's be a ride.. and one I will never forget.

Levi's 11th birthday

This is why I willing pack a blue door around with me when I move.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtQYhAcWaqw&sns=em

Cleansing the soul... letting go of the clutter

There is something empowering about moving, and being able to throw out what baggage you no longer want or need to carry with you.

March has been a rough month.  The decision to move was not one that came lightly, although it did come swiftly... dang nab it!  Honestly I am at peace with it.. 99.9% of the time... right until it hits me that this is the last home that I shared with my family... with my boys...

It's his birthday tomorrow... he is turning 13.  What I would give to be able to plan a birthday party for him.. To cover HIS door with saran wrap and fill that with balloons.. and hear his delightful laugh as he gets up in the morning and opens his door to be assaulted by balloons.  What I would give to argue with his Dad about how I don't care that we can't afford that lego set he is dying to have, I will bust my butt to get it for him.. I still can't walk down any lego isle in ANY store without having a pit the size of a sink hole in my stomach.  To make the PERFECT cake for him, whatever he is into,,, to hug him and embarrass him as he walks out the door to school.... to be able to celebrate all his awesomeness.

Instead, this year, I am sitting in a living room,, packed and filled with boxes containing what I will take with me as I move towards freedom and peace... and I am looking at this stupid door I just can't seem to throw out.. it's warped and will probably never fit any doorframe in any house I live in,.. but it's the last present I gave him... when I look at it, all I remember is his awesome excitement at seeing it,, you would've thought we had given him THAT lego set he wanted.... instead this door cost us $12 to paint and redo,,, and his reaction made up for the failure I felt like for only being able to give him this.  For not being able to give him more that year.  2 years ago... this is the second birthday that has come, without him here.... would he still be into Dr who?  I know he would be so excited for the Batman vs Superman movie coming out,,,  I desperately want to go but am scared I will bawl the entire movie.

You all think I am so strong,, and amazing,,and, and, and.....  your words not mine... I want to hide tomorrow....  I want to hide from now until Tuesday.  I want to knock on one particular person's door and slap him, punch him so hard in the gut he can't catch his breathe!,,, I want him to feel 1 ioda of the pain I feel every single day, and I push down and try to quiet with laughter and keeping busy.... I want HIM to be the one to move.. I want him to be the one to have to go through years of memories and such and decide which ones are worthy to keep and which can be trash... I want HIM to be the one that wakes up from a dead sleep because he reaches for his love and she isn't there because of HIS actions.... I want him to be the one to have to celebrate his child's birthday... WITHOUT his child!!

I want to be able to look him in the eye and tell him I forgive him.. and mean it.. I want to be able to see him at his place of work and not want to throw up, or have to walk around his department so I don't have to see him.  I want to be able to .... OMG I am a  mess.   Hahaha I have deleted these last two paragraphs three times because I don't want to show weakness,, but tonight,, I am allowing myself that weakness. I am going to allow myself to be just human for a few hours.  After all, I have never lied or sugar coated my life before,, why start now right?

I miss them every single day.  Some days tears fall, and those days are becoming a little less with time, most days I remember them both with love and peace in my heart.  What kills me is seeing my kids pain,, my parents pain, Todd's parents pain.. I want desperately to take it from them and let them all go back to living and loving and not having hatred and hurt in their hearts.. because,, after all I am *explicit descriptive word inserted here* super woman.  What I would give to be able to do this for them all!

 I hate that one person can hurt so many people...


I love that one person, in this case 2 people, can touch so many lives...

Tom said to me last night,, "I didn't ever meet the boy and I miss him!" Oh my heart strings...

This boy of mine is special,, I always knew he was,, just didn't understand how much so.

So bear with  me tomorrow,  if you text me and I don't answer... (you all know I will most likely answer because Heaven forbid I ever leave a text unanswered!) but just know....

This Mum is going to hide, just a little...  in the house she shared with her family... before she has to close the door one last time on Saturday.  Who knows, maybe I will even venture down stairs and just be there....

this right here. captures his entire spirit,, as big as it is!!!

Change seems to bring Grief to the surface... (rambling session 1000000001)

I have hesitated in writing anything lately, because well, who honestly wants to hear it..the blubberings and ramblings  of a widow,,  then in the last 3 days I have gotten notes from various people telling me thank you.. thank you for sharing so openly everything.

 "I want you to know, that when I am really struggling, I look for things that you post and it really helps me! I know you have been to hell and back again but I want you to know that you have given me strength when I wasn't sure I could keep going. It happened again this morning when you posted jakes blog. Thanks for rocking it!"  

And I figure hey,, if it can help one person keep going,, then I will keep sharing.  So thank YOU for sharing with me that me bearing my soul is helping you. Because honestly I couldn't keep it in if I wanted to!!

Let me just say, we all have our own personal hell we are each going through.. And mine is NO worse than yours!!  All we can do is help each other get through it unscathed and knowing we are not  alone and we are not being judged by one another.

Well I found a cute apartment!  5 miles from my house.. Far enough away that I can start fresh, close enough that I can still see my friends.  

I wonder if I will ever be able to do anything again with out a little gray cloud causing rain drops to run out of my eyes and down my cheeks...

Saturday the 5th, Kenz and Jeff, Jake and Emily came up and helped me go through things in the house, and de junk,, lots of tears were shed on my part.. and bless my kids,, they are amazing, seriously patient and just plain awesome!!!

I got the keys on Monday the 7th, and when I went in to see it (it was under construction) I bawled.  1 floor, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, just me...  reality checks suck sometimes!

I called Kenz and cried.  And bless her heart, her words to me were so kind! "Mum, it will be ok! I promise.  I am thinking you will do great with not so much empty space around you!  I can't wait to see it!"  

I went home and started packing,, feeling blue and depressed beyond reason. This was all too much,, too fast.. then again, when has my life ever been the teeniest bit slow?  SIGH

Cari Jessup and Coleen, Todd's sister, came and helped me pack up my kitchen on Tuesday and I sat down at one point and just started crying.  Cari just wrapped her arms around me and let me cry.  I thank God EVERY SINGLE DAY for all my amazing friends!! Seriously!

Wednesday I enlisted help from the Jacob family, and Cari again to help me take over my kitchen and unpack it.. the girls were quick to lay claim to the spare room, which made my heart so happy!!  There was CHAOS in my teenie apartment, and it felt like home.  *happy sigh* Ok,, I can do this,, this is going to be incredibly awesome.

So I go home after work and pack up more boxes, and throw out more stuff, and just keep plugging along. 

It doesn't help that I have been an emotional mess since I realized February was coming to an end and my baby's birthday was coming up.  ON the 14th he'll be 13... (it feels weird to say he would have been 13, because no matter where he is,, it's still his birthday, and he will be 13.)  My heart hurts, especially when I think about all the things I don't get to participate in with him,, the things I won't experience with him. I try not to think about it, because I would be a complete and udder mess if I did.  And life has a way of pushing the pain and heartache to the side until the moment when we can just let it all out.

Jacob is getting married in 43 days!  I hate seeing the wording of  Rhonda Johnson and the LATE Todd Johnson on the invite.  HE was supposed to be here.. sigh.  

This grief thing is certainly not for the weak! It seriously has a mind of it's own.  One minute I can be going along, happy as can be, living life, doing what I do.. and then out of nowhere I am in a ball on the floor gasping for breath because my heart physically hurts to keep beating.  Some days I don't know if I'm coming or going.  Some days...  I feel like I could die of a broken heart.  No not broken,, so much as shattered.. yet there are days I feel like I can tackle the world, or at least let it roll off my shoulders without bruising me.  Some days I can see the old me,, the non widow me, and I miss her.. some days.  

My reflection has changed in the mirror,, I look more tired. not necessarily more weary, but definitely tired... I have more gray hairs. my smile has changed.. I see it mostly in my eyes.. not sure what it is, but they are different too.  I see the world differently.. I love more, and harder, I say what I mean more and bite my tongue less *not always a good thing but...* 

I want them back,, but I wouldn't change a thing...  if that doesn't confuse you then you're doing better than me!!

Todd. Playing piano

http://timehop.com/c/1.Z3Y6NTcxNjM0NjMwMDA5OUl37Ky-83K1536VilHJpfR5ozXfm6vJUWd9GaHZcu-uye_2eID01jHynsPYpXT0bQ

So I said it on facebook

That there was no turning back....

http://www.utahrealestate.com/1360814

now let me tell you why and how this came to past...

We came home from our cruise on Monday, and I walked in the door.. and something just felt different,,,, I can't tell you what it is, so you can ask, but that's the answer you will get.. it wasn't home any more.. it wasn't mine... that's the only way I can explain it.

I went to bed Tuesday night, everyone had gotten back to their homes, except Jake, it was just he and I, and I didn't sleep,, well I slept but not soundly, ,I vividly remember talking to Todd, I couldn't see him, the turd, but we had an all night conversation.  We talked about what to do, where would I go, was it ok,, would I be ok? We talked about everything.  I woke up Wednesday with the very thought of "it's time,, let's do this"

So I talked to my mother in law on wednesday and shocked the stink out of her.  And told my kids I was thinking of selling and moving to an apartment.  I mentioned to them all that I still can't go downstairs without falling completely apart.. this is just too much house for one person.  When I don't want to be one person in this house..

I got a blessing and was told there was other work and help I was to do in other areas,, *I don't remember the exact wording, but I was told this is the right thing to do,, *

Before she signed with the realtor she called me again and asked if I was sure I wanted to do this,, that I didn't have to, and we could make it work, etc etc etc...  I just said I was ready.

So we listed it, and now I am sitting here in tears because change is happening yet again,, at my hand this time... it's bittersweet. because I didn't think I would ever leave.

I have to work at forgiving him every single day.  It was easier when I thought he was sober,, it was easier before he denied any wrong doing in court, when he got sentenced to his lousy 10 days in jail,,,,, now it is a decision I have to make every single day, and  I deserve peace.  I deserve to be able to walk out my front door without the fear and anxiety of running into the man who did this to my life.. I deserve to go to work and come home from work without passing the crash site, every single, day.  I deserve to be able to go to church and not wonder if he is looking at me, or what he is thinking, or if I am going to pass him in the hall.... so you may see this as a selfish move on my part,, but dangnabit,, I DESERVE PEACE.  I am not going far.. I am staying in the valley! Preferably on this side of bangerter highway haha.  and I could be here for another 6 months,, When it's the right time,, it will sell.  and I will find the right place to go.  In the mean time,, PARTY AT MY HOUSE!!!!!  Bring boxes!!!!!

Making new memories...

It was a trip Todd and I had dreamt of taking our children on for years. A cruise. One were we could enjoy each other's company and build our relationships stronger than ever.

 Plans change...

I decided we still needed to do this. I made the offer to all 5 of our kids. 2 said yes, well two and the invited fiancé!  So we did it!!!!! Me, Kenzie, Jake, Jeff and my parents ( they've never been,, it was time!!) {so I'm blogging as the week goes and will publish it all at once when we get home.  So this is one looooooong blog post!) 

Day 1: 

Saturday at 10 pm we headed to the airport in Salt Lake City.  Our flight was scheduled to leave at 12:40. We are on our way.  We landed in Miami at 8 am. What a very long night. We finally got on board our ship CARNIVAL BREEZE, and got into our cabins at 12:30! Yayayayaya!!!!  We grabbed lunch on the lido deck and just sucked in the ambience. It's so fun to watch your loved ones experience things for the first time.  😊

We had a mandatory safety meeting as per usual on every cruise, then we went to dinner.  Tonight's menu: calamari, strawberry bisque, chicken quesadilla, as appetizers, then braised pork for momma  some Indian vegetarian dish for papa,  corn chowder, ratatouille( more appetizers) roasted chicken with stuffing and veggies, for Kenzie mahi mahi for me, garlic roasted chicken for Jake, brisket for Jeff!  Dessert was a strawberry parfait thing unsweetened, date and fig pudding, fresh fruit, Nutella tiramisu, and molten chocolate cake!!  Then it was time for the super bowl pool side baby!!

Now we are all laying exhausted and happy in our cabins relaxing and planning tomorrow's schedule, and Jeff and Jake are waiting for their free chocolate milk and grilled cheese room service!!  Life is good.  God is great and family is all that matters.  

Day 2:  we are at sea all day looooong!!

We started it right by going to the gym and getting our fitness is, because climbing 5 trillion stairs every time you want to go to another deck simply isn't enough!  Momma, Pappa, Kenzie and I went and listened to a presentation this owning about the different ports and excursions we could go on.  Then then kids (Kenzie, Jeff and Jake) went hot tubbing while Mum,Dad and I listened to a presentation on how the navigate the ports and get the best experience. Then it was a buffet lunch and then bingo!  No we didn't win, dangnabit!  

We quickly went back to our cabins and got ready for formal night tonight.  The new food we tried::: fried oysters. YUCK! But hey!! Dad, Jeff and I all tried it! Spaghetti carbonara,  Prime rib and lobster tails was for the main course, yummmmmm

Cream brûlée, chocolate lava cake and hazelnut chocolate cream cake for dessert.  (We are definitely hitting the gym tomorrow!)

Day 3: Tuesday, haha I'm losing track already!  

We ported in Jamaica mon!!! We wandered in and out of the stores on the pier.  Saw some amazing diamonds and  tanzanite. And other gems. Bought some

Souvenirs and ate authentic Jamaican cuisine at a road side pub type restaurant. As we are getting ready to board the ship I got to thinking about how much Todd wanted to do this with our family and how I wish he was with us, and the one song that lets me know he is with me came on (see you again by whiz kalifa), over the speakers in the shopping area,  😀😀😀 I may or may not have let a year or two fall. 

Then we boarded the ship and set sail for Grand Cayman. For dinner we had peach soup, ox tongue(nasty crap!, seriously who decides what part of the animal is edible??) beef tenderloin for dinner and dessert was brioche or pie. (Pictures are coming.  Hope I get them up in order)

I went to bed early simply out of sheer exhaustion. These stairs are killing me.  Our rooms are on deck 6, dining room is deck 4, gym is on deck 12 and the lido deck is on 10!  And yes we stair it.  I think I've been in the elevator 4 times this entire cruise (we are on day 4,, I'm a day behind!) 

Day 4: (Wednesday)

GRAND CAYMAN BABY! This is what I have been wanting to do for years!  Swim with the Dolphins. They announced this morning early that the governor of Georgetown had closed the town port to

cruise ships due to weather. Dangnabit!! However... We were able to port on the other side and our excursion of the dolphin swim and sting ray city had NOT been canceled!!! YIPEEEE!  Off we went!! Took a small tender boat to the island and then a bus where we needed to be,(we didn't get pics of the dolphin swim because they wanted $35 a picture!!) we got to have the Dolphins swim with us while we held onto their fins, they pushed us on our feet with their noses, we got to pet them and yes we even got a kiss from them.  It was seriously a once in a life time experience!! Something we have wanted to be able to do with the kids, especially Mackenzie as its been one of her favorite animals for a very long time. 

After we were done with the Dolphins we jumped onto another boat and headed to sting ray city. OMG!!! They were every where!!  Just swimming along the sandbar. We got to pet, touch, and even get a massage from one.  Then we got to feed them. Squid!  Hahah dude when we can master the suction power of a sting ray,, that's the vacuum I will invest in. The one that ate from my hand sucked my knuckles in!  Haha 

The ocean!! Omg it's seriously like glass. So many different faucets of blue and clear!! Crystal clear!! We got the pics from the sting ray people for way cheap. So they will be posted soon.  Also we were allowed to take our cameras with us, where they wouldn't let us with the Dolphins.  So I'll post those as soon as I can. 

As we got back on the ship to get us back to dolphin cove, I just sat back and soaked in some vitamin d and thought how much Todd and Levi would have loved this day in particular, guess what song came on,, yep SEE YOU AGAIN, Mackenzie and I both looked at each other and without saying a word, we just knew they were with us. Had been the ENTIRE DAY!!! We may or may not have let a few tears fall down our cheeks. Don't tell me there isn't a higher power,, I happen to call Him God, and I am so grateful for the Tender mercies He sends to my family daily to let us know we aren't alone... EVER! 

 Now we are back on board waiting for the dinning room to open. Elegant dining again tonight.

Can I just throw out there how grateful I am that I get to do this with some of the most fabulous people on earth?!?!  

Day 5: Cozumel Mexico baby!!  We debarked the ship and wandered through the little tourist shops they had lining the dock. We enjoyed the atmosphere and the ambience. And then we had lunch at Ponchos back porch restaurant, and ate real Mexican cuisine.  No other place makes guacamole better! Just sayin!! The kids chilled beachside while us old folk went back to the ship and rested. Then it was dinner time and of course we dining roomed it! Steak tacos, tortilla soup,,, I'll have to look at the pics to remember what all was served this night, so I'll update it after I load the pics.  

Day 6: day at sea!! We started the day with a brunch that they only served twice the entire week, on days we were at sea. Yummy steak and eggs anyone?!?! 

 We just stroller the ship all day. Mum, Dad and I went to a country line dancing class.  Yes I got on stage, yes I looked like a goof, no I don't care!  I had a hoot!!  Then we watched a love and marriage game that they did with three couples from the audience.  It was rather funny. Then we played bingo and didn't win!  Oh well.  The kids were on deck playing in the pools/hot tubs and laying in the sun. Dinner was frog legs, French onion soup, bbq flat bread, pumpkin cheese pie,, it was rather tasty, jerk pork tenderloin, ravioli, veal parmasean, and chicken breast. Dessert was baked apple, chocolate Lava cake, ice cream, banana white chocolate bread pudding.  It was a fantastic day all in all. 

Day 7: back on land. Oh reality checks suck!! We are in Miami for the night. It took us about 3 hours to debark off the ship. And about another hour to get to the hotel. So now we are relaxing and chilling in our room, which is smaller than we expected but hey... Memories!!!!  

Day 8: headed home

It's been a week full of fun and making incredible memories with some stressful points, a few bumps and rough spots but there's no one else I would've rather done this trip with. #trulyblessed 

I will post pictures as soon as I get home and have a chance to download them.