Timehop.....

If only time really did hop!!!!

For those of you who let technology scare you, so you don't venture out of your app bubble, timehop is an app that brings up memories from the past 8 years...
It's been both a blessing and a curse for me, It brings up pictures I have long since forgotten I even had, and sometimes it brings tears. 

Today it brought up my blog about the court case and what happened that day 2 years ago.  *when I think about how long it's been, since I have seen them boys,, or how Mr S is living his life free,,, that is when the tears come, so I don't think about that too much*  It also brought up posts of 3 years ago, when I worked in Macy's and we were setting up Christmas in the store and how excited I was for Christmas... *and I am preparing my self for halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas pics from years before....*

It's funny how things change,,,

That first Christmas I was completely numb,, I remember having my family around.,, and crying an awful lot,,and wondering how on earth I was supposed to keep on keeping on.... sigh,,

The 2nd Christmas was bitter sweet,, we were all together,, Tom, two of his boys and I all drove down to St George and spent Christmas with Kenzie, Jeff, Jake and Emily.  It was amazing! We laughed, we did some old tradition, that both of our family's have done, we started some new ones, we played games, we ate, we had some quiet moments of reflection, It was exactly what I needed, a reminder that we are allowed to be both happy and sad.

It's getting to be that time again,, I was reminded of that this morning as I left for work in long pants and a hoodie in blasted 40 degree weather (Ferinheit for my Canadian friends!) It is cold, and no matter how much I try to avoid it, Timehop keeps reminding me that once a upon a time,, in a land far far away... Christmas brought me joy and so much happiness.  I am trying to tackle this anxiety head on this year.  Talking about it with my kids, and Tom, and trying to make plans,,,do you know how hard it is to make plans with people that live in three different states, one couple has a new baby, one has a life of her own, and 4 have spouses/fiance's with family in the state they reside in????  *This is in no way meant as a guilt trip,, so please don't take it that way Offsprung Adults!!  <3*

I still feel a sense of dread when I see Christmas decor, felt that this morning when I opened that blasted app and saw Macy's all decorated up,, I worry about driving in horrible weather like I never have before, the thought of decorating the house and putting up a tree is bitter sweet,, I love building new traditions, I think this year new decorations are in order though, we have twice as many people to buy for this year as well as a brand new grandson,,,, So I am trying to come up with various ideas we can do for the kids as they all start/ continue building their own homes with their spouses.

My thoughts still wander to Levi, and what I would be striving to get him,  I find myself not wanting to sew jammies, but rather buy them,, I don't want to bake and do neighbor, actually I go back and forth on that one,, I like the neighbors. My thoughts wander to Todd, and I wonder where he would be at health wise,, would he still be here waiting for a transplant.... What would we be doing this year??

Then I come back to the present, and I look around me and see how blessed my life is,, as a result of such a tragedy....  Tom and his four kids and their significant others,,, my two kids and their spouses,,, grandbabies are starting to make their appearance,,, well one has lol,,,

So if you see me and I am looking stressed or sad, just hug me,, if you wish me a Merry Christmas and I offer back a weak smile, don't be offended,, it could just be a rough day.. they change regularly..  Just know I am still a work in progress and doing my very best. 
 
Life is hard,, sometimes really crappy things happen to really incredible people, and in the end,, it is all worth it. 

2 years and countintg...

Everyone seems to have an opinion on what is the proper grieving time,, how long you are allowed to be sad,, and when you should be happy again.  Truth is, there are no rules with grief,, it is up to you... only you can decide how long, when you are sad, and when you are happy.

I remember the first time I laughed, honestly laughed after the accident.  It felt like a betrayal to my husband and son.  How dare I be happy. It's only been ... 3 weeks, 3 months,,, 3 years..... (this december)!!!

Then I read this article, and number 8 really stood out to me,,,

https://www.today.com/series/things-i-wish-i-knew/10-things-i-wish-i-knew-becoming-widow-t111974

"You will never be the same person you were before. This is not to say that you will never be happy again — you will. But it is a different kind of happy. You cannot possibly be the same after going through a tragedy like this. Losing my husband has become a part of me. It no longer controls my every thought, but I now look at life in a new way. Not necessarily bad or good, just different. For so long, I only wanted my old life back. I now understand that this is never going to happen. It was very hard to accept, but now that I have, I am able move on to a new chapter."

It was so hard to move forward,,, to pull myself out of the grave so to speak,  when all I wanted to do was be with them.  Seriously, I struggled for a long time not living at the cemetery, if they would've let me, I would've slept there,, but, as you know, Todd and I had talked at length about what I would do when he died... yep, he knew he was going first,,,grrrr.  I told him I would not be one of those wife's who can't leave the cemetery and visits every day,,, he laughed and told me he would be disappointed if I was there every day.  (NOTE: it is way easier to say face to face when you're both still alive, than to do after one of you is gone!)
Remembering our conversations helped with the moving forward process alot,,, I did tell him I would never marry again,,  he groaned and said "FINE,, just be happy!"


2 years ago today, one simple decision completely changed my life....  that's all it took, one decision to venture outside of my comfort zone, to overcome my anxiety of driving outside my circle and go support one of my very best friends on the very best day of her life,,,, and now.....

I have the most amazing man in my life.  He is my rock, I draw strength from him in ways I didn't know was possible.  I am continuously reaching for his hand to save me from drowning.  Tom and I were talking last night,,,

Me: Guess what I did today...
T: what babe?
Me: I had to drive to my old neighborhood to get your pressie and I started having a mild panic attack,,,
T: "looks at me with eyes huge because he THINKS he knows what's coming" You ok babe?
Me: yea,, it was weird, because I got to the accident site and I noticed I was gripping the steering wheel really hard and my breathing changed,,, and I thought,, ok how am I gonna get out of this area without driving past this again.... then I past it, and had to consciously let go of the wheel *insert chuckle* this is so dumb hon,, Then as I drove back and pasted it again on my way home, same thing, and I kept thinking "I can call Tom, he will answer,, he gets it,, NO you can do this,, nothing is going to happen,, just keep going straight",, and guess what..... I DID IT!  I got through it and home, no tears, no panic attack, no having to pull over,,, I know it's dumb but...
T: *Immediately interrupts me* It is not dumb! Oh sweetheart I am so proud of you!!!!!


This is the man I have in my life,, to walk beside me through the rest of this earthly mess, he holds my broken heart in his hands. and takes such care to ensure it is all there, and not breaking more.  I love everything about him,, who he is and what he represents.  I love that he took a huge chance on us, and let me into his life, when he swore he was done with love and dating....

Most of all, I love that I get to be his last everything,,, last date, last kiss,, last love!!

I am still grieving, I still have sad days, and he lets me have them,, I have anxiety and panic attacks that come out of the complete blue,, with this man by my side, it makes it all more bearable....
Thank you for a most amazing 2 years,, for being beside me every single step of the way, saving me from drowning in grief, helping me understand things I never questioned before and for some reason do now.. for taking a chance on me...and for loving me with your whole heart.

Here's to many more years together!!


I LOVE US!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat...

who of us reads the directions on a shampoo bottle?  Seriously,,, does anyone?

This is how my life feels,,

Lather = plant feet firmly on floor and move forward,, faking a smile as deemed necessary throughout any given day. Sing "just keep swimming,, just keep swimming" as needed.

Rinse = lay down in bed and attempt to get sleep without any nightmares or terrors.

Repeat = pretty self explanatory no?

Some days seriously feel like groundhog day and I am just going through the motions of living. Although in all honesty I don't have to fake it nearly as much as I did earlier.

August was full of absolutely amazing memory making!!   Between my awesome co-workers decorating my desk, my work BFF making me a most epic Eeyore cake, my son and his wifey conspiring with my sweetheart and surprised me with dinner at Texas Roadhouse in Sandy and tickets to see Annie here in SLC Valley, and,, yes yes there is more,,,, my daughter and her hubby surprised me with tickets to see Luke Bryan in October,, I am completely overwhelmed with all the love.  I have the best friends and family out there.

The month also brought tears,, something I am very used to at this point,, seems there is always a memory just peeking around the corner, waiting to jump out to the forefront of my brain and plant itself there until I have sufficiently cried.  Back to school pictures from everyone brought the tears,, I thought, or rather hoped I would NOT have that reaction this year but all I kept thinking was, he is supposed to be in 9th grade.. he is supposed to be a smart ass and giving me a run for my money,,, he is supposed to be...  the list goes on and on of the things I am missing out on as a mom, and it's hard,, thank heaven's for friends that see that and reach out.  Richard keeps me in mind whenever there is a "mother/son" thing for his boys,, and I love it.  It's hard on me, and it's hard on him and his boys,, but we have both joked, and said Jill has Levi now, I get her boys, and we will trade back later. It's somewhat comforting believe it or not.

And this month brought tears of happiness,, for the first time in 3 years I can look at baby boy clothes and smile... mostly.  Tom's oldest son and fiance had their first baby, a boy, August 26th.  Making us grandparents for the first time ever!!  So off we went to Billings Montana for labor day weekend for some serious cuddles.
 This little boy is so stinking cute, and it is fun to watch his parents learning to be parents.
Usually when I hold a baby lately, they tend to look over my left shoulder and just stare.  Of course I am thinking,, "do you see Levi,  do you see Todd,,, what are they telling you..... " with tears rolling down my face.  Not this time....  This was insanely uplifting and just WOW,,,

I was sitting up on the couch, with this baby in my arms looking at me and I am just talking to him as he is making the cutest little circles with his mouth and yawning and stretching,, and he turns his head to look over my shoulder and I start asking him, , "oh Warren, who do you see? Do you see Le....." I stopped midsentence, as Warren turned his eyes back to me and then back again to the left corner of the living room. And the thought came to me,, 'He sees his Gramma,, he sees Bobbi' , suddenly I am covered in goosebumps, and tears just start falling, as I say to him in a whisper,, "do you see her baby boy? Do you see Gramma?"  He ever so slowly moved his head, never once taking his eyes off the wall that I could see, as his eyes slowly moved across the room to her picture,, that is in a collage frame on the opposite wall, and then he smiled.  I sat there in awe that I got to witness this, I got to be a part of it..tears streaming down my face half out of embarrassment that I assumed it would be my son, or husband that had escourted him here to earth, and half out of sheer gratefulness that Bobbi let me know it was her, that she chose me to witness this, She let me know she trusts me with her family, and for that I am truly grateful... honestly, If I have to be here on earth, I love that I am so very blessed with the opportunity to step in and love those in the respective roles that have left this earth way too soon.  I looked up at Tom and he sees the tears rolling down my face, and asks what's wrong, thinking he knows, and I whisper to him what has just happened,, as a look of awe and wonderment spread across his face.  He sat back and just whispered,, WOW.

There is not a doubt in my mind that our respective spouses, who left this earth way too soon, played a huge roll in bringing the two of us together, to help each other, and our children, even though they are all growed up, and our grandchildren as they come into our lives,  get through this life feeling loved beyond measure and acccepted no matter what.

If this is what my mission is to be for the rest of my earthly life,, so be it. 
If all I can do is love and accept, I will do it to the best of my ability until I can no longer do so. 
That is all.

Where to begin...

It's been awhile.. truthfully I have been avoiding the whole "documenting my life" lately.  Part of it out of overwhelming guilt.. part out of honestly trying to leave the past there.. in the past.

Moving forward is hard.  No matter who you are or what you are moving forward from.  My kids have to move forward every day knowing their children will never hear their Granpa's laughter, feel his hugs, or a kiss on their forhead.  They will never get to "Hang out" with Uncle Levi, or be teased, or pushed out of his room, or go for a ride and learn the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody with him.

 These are things I think about daily.. and as much as I try not to think about it, there are little reminders every where.  Things I would rather not think about.  I don't like thinking about the future without them.  How tall would he be?  Would we still be waiting for a kidney? Would he have died a "natural death" and would Levi still be here?

I can't watch the news,, it makes me cry when lives are senselessly taken because of other's choices.  It also makes me so angry.

Then comes the guilt,,, guilt of going a day, an hour without thinking of them, guilt of continually thinking of them, guilt of moving forward, guilt over not crying for long periods of time,,,,,, guilt over  being happy.  Which is completely unwarranted,, Todd and I talked about what he wanted me to do, when he died.  We both knew he was going to go first, I hated talking about it, I am so glad we did though.  We discussed how I would never marry again,, who wants 3 marriages on their record,,,, seriously. I remember Todd looking at me and saying "FINE! Don't marry, but please be happy!!! Find happiness, find someone who makes you smile. Please don't be sad forever!"  We talked quite abit about this actually. 

It's funny because in the moments when I am the happiest is when little reminders come.

I took Tom out of the country for the first time in his life.. we went to Canada to visit my family and so he could meet the people up there that matter most to me.  We hiked in Waterton, went to Pincher Creek for dinner, Lethbridge to shop, Magrath, and spent a lot of time in Cardston.  I saw so many little dragonflies,, there was one that lives outside my Mum's sewing room window, he was just hovering there, and when I walked up, he flew a crazy 8 pattern through my legs and went back to the window and hovered there.  Ahhhh Levi,,

I usually see them in groups of two, so it surprised me to see only one honestly.  Then we were in Waterton hiking a little trail and a butterfly flew along with us, the entire trail.  There was my boy right beside me and Tom hiking along.

I believe it's Levi and here's why,, Todd never wanted me to be sad.  His only goal in life was for me to smile daily.  If I was unhappy or upset, he always did whatever he could to make me happy, to make it right.  Even if I was wrong.  I believe that he is with me every day, but the physical signs are slowing down because he sees me happy,, his only goal is to see me smile.

I was in the car the other day, parked on the side of the road, and just started bawling.  Man I was angry, angry that Todd left me here, that I didn't get to go with him and Levi, angry that I have to even attempt to make sense of all this.. and I was yelling at him in the car and cussing him out like nothing else, and suddenly a song came on the radio. Poison, Every rose has it's thorn.  This was my sweet husband letting me know he was right beside me... still being a thorn in my side.  When I realized what song it was I started laughing, and I actually said out loud "FINE!!  I'll be happy, you're still a jerk!!" and got out of the car.

Tom had just pulled up and, seriously this man!!, he just looked at me and asked what song was playing on the radio.  Yep he knows my triggers.

It still amazes me how two completely broken people managed to find each other and make each other whole again.  I know that Todd, and Bobbi, had a hand in Tom and I coming into each others lives. 

 I continue to struggle every single day to even get out of bed, Never mind "adult" and go to work.  It is a fight not to pull into my black abyss and just stay there. I think this is something I am expecting to struggle with every day for the rest of my life.. some days are definitely harder than others... and he helps me more than he will ever know.  And when I am sobbing and asking why I am still here, his answer is "For your kids,, for me, I need you"

 This man makes me laugh, he lets me cry, he is my rock.  He has opened up to me things that he hasn't spoken of in years, over a decade. He has opened his heart to me, when he thought he had locked it and thrown away the key.  We have taught each other it's ok to love again, and still love another.   He is truly my best friend, and has told me I am his.  My goal is to make him laugh every single day, and for both of us to get through this mess called life so we can be with our eternal companions again.  I know the four of us will be amazing friends.

Just some ramblings of what I have been putting off saying the last few months,,, nonsensical sense of a widow in love. 

I've often wondered.....

How many people has this one event affected??  I mean besides family,  close friends....  I see the,, it's not pity, it's more sympathy,, maybe empathy,,, in people's eyes when they see me,,,,  my friends,, people that don't see me on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. In those that see me regularly, who have stood beside me through the last 2 1/2 years,, I see love in their eyes when they look at me.
Genuine and sincere love.

I am talking more the people who saw the news on TV that next day... the people who run into me and haven't seen me for 3+ years,, people I don't even know,, the first responders.  How has this affected them?

I remember Lt. Waters.  He was the only person I would trust with my physical care until my Bishop and family got there.  No other officer,, no grief counselor that was there,, Just Lt. Waters.  I remember the day of the funeral,, EMT's, Police officers, first responders are told not to go.. it makes their entire job real.... puts a face to the names on the paper work, gives the details and the accident scenes a face.  He came.  He brought his daughter, with him,, and another officer... one I didn't see that night... one I had no clue was there.. the one who was very first on the scene,, who first saw my life laying on the road, and in the dirt on the side of the road.  She was there. I remember her.  I remember her hugging me and telling me that day how very much that night has affected her.

Fast forward 30 months,, 2 1/2 years,, and I am given a phone number and told someone I met a while ago wants to get in touch with me.  (there's more to this story as to how I got her number, or how she put two and two together, and without going into details, lets just say that Sumbot is now working as a cashier at the Smith's where her and I both shop,, and he can't seem to keep his mouth shut!! and leave it at that!)

So I go to Smith's today to get my Bruce and Jolyne fix,, they are my BEST habit... whenever I am feeling down, sad, lonely,, or just need something familiar I go to MY SMITHS!!! (it will always be my smiths! not his!!)  And I am talking to Jolyne and this lady and her husband are walking down the isle,, our eyes lock, and Jolyne says,, "that's her!"  I pick my jaw up off the floor and walk up to her, she wraps her arms around me and we talk...  I have her number,, she has mine,, and we are going to lunch on Tuesday.

It may seem like not much to whomever is reading this.. it may seem like it's no big deal,, BUT

TO ME its a whole bunch of affirmation that family is not the only one who remembers these two pieces of my heart.  Affirmation that people I have no clue about continue to pray for me,, to be a peace, and happy, and feel the love of the everyone around me.  Affirmation that this has affected so many people,, I don't think I will ever fully understand how many!!

This amazing officer has offered to take me on a ride along,,, YES!!!!   Has asked if I would come talk to her squad and share my story.  ABSOLUTELY I said YES! A million times yes!!!!  I am in tears.. happy tears.. sad tears that this has affected someone on such a high level.. Someone just doing their job.  Sad tears because it doesn't seem to have affected the person who caused all this... sigh

I feel like I am rambling,,,,,,   this is where I am at today... Life is good,, Life sucks,,, and every once in a while you are blessed enough to meet a real true to life angel... and today,, I met another!!!  

Can't wait for Tuesday...  <3

Time keeps on ticking....... into the future,,, back to the past

and all I want is for it to stop....  Every year he gets older.  Every year I hunt for videos so I don't forget their laugh,, the sound of their voices,,, Every picture I see I relieve the moment.  I don't remember telling a friend,, "let's do lunch" or when it's tuesday and I am supposed to go to my #inseperablesister's house for dinner,, but I remember every single picture,, and the moments leading up to me taking it and the moments just after I snapped it.  My heart hurts.  Every single day.  I want nothing more than to see what he would look like at the 14 yrs of age he will be next month.  I see his friends on occasion, and God bless those boys, they get so excited when they see me, and still give me the biggest hugs and tell me so excitedly about what is going on with their lives.  Man I love those boys.  They will always be my boys! ALWAYS!!! (what 14-15 yr old boys do that willingly???,,, MY BOYS!)

I keep replaying his last birthday in my head,... we were so broke... Todd was so sick, and we had absolutely no money... I took $10 and went to walmart and bought blue and white paint.  He had lost his door earlier in the week because he slammed in, and it was in the garage,, so I got the brilliant idea to paint it like the Tardis off Dr. Who... He had no clue... we had invited a few of his close friends over and we had a Dr Who birthday party for him.  That 11 yr old boy,,, you would've thought we had given him the whole world.  He was so excited when he saw that door.  He absolutely loved it.  and his party,, the boys made sonic screwdrivers, we had food from Dr Who,, they made the fez hats.  The laughter, the noise,, the chaos.  *SIGH*

I worry that my kids don't want to talk about them.. I worry I will become or am becoming a burden on my friends, or family and they will avoid me when they see me... ridiculous I know,, I even vocalized to Tom that I am scared he is going to, one day, say "K,, I've had enough...." and walk away.  Yea he pretty much told me to "Knock it the hell off, because that is not going to happen! I love you"  So that is something I am working on. He has seriously been amazing through the last almost 18 months,.. he encourages me to talk about it, to share the memories, to cry, and when I cry, he does nothing more than wrap his arms around me, and just holds me so tight... silently letting me know he is right beside me, throughout this entire journey. He doesn't try to "fix it" he knows there's nothing to fix.  (Have I ever mentioned how blessed I am he chose me out of all the girls out there to walk the rest of this journey, we call life, with??)

Someone said they choose to not focus on hard days, and that I need to do that as well.....

To that I say the hard days remind me that I am alive,, that I am not done writing my story,, that I have some incredible angels protecting me,, the hard days are when I feel them closest to me,, holding me up, helping me get through the day.  So if it is a choice, I guess I choose to remember.  I choose to let the hard days come,, if time gets to keep ticking on,, I get to have hard days!!!  This is my reality,, not so much new anymore,, it's my reality nonetheless.

I choose to make new memories, I choose to laugh, to have happy days, to gaze a little longer than needed at pictures I find, that were long forgotten, to relive every moment I can in my mind's eye.  I choose to not watch the clock, as it ticks on past, to let the tears fall when they need to,  to let the sun in, to let it warm my face, to let it dry my tears. I choose to keep going.

My inseperable sister said it best,,,, "Grief is love that has no where to go"  And if nothing else, I have a lot of love.

<3

His sister did an amazing job capturing all that he is in this picture.. it is one of my favorites.. It's a side of him few saw... the quiet,, thoughtful, full of love, full of life,,, pondering things no 9-10 yr old should ponder... yep,, tears fall every time I see this picture.  

Christmas 2016

It is a time of year I have just been numb through the past two years.  I want to hide. To disconnect my phone.  To curl up in bed and sleep the entire month of December and part of January away, would be a dream come true.  Alas, my family had much better plans.

I got a call from Jake asking me to come down,, admittedly I blew him off, and appeased him with the answer of,,, "we will see what the weather looks like ok bud?, I am honestly ok with just staying here, and I certainly do NOT want you or Kenz driving up here if the roads suck"

Then Kenz called an asked me to come down, only she wouldn't accept the same answer I gave Jake. 
K: Mum, we want you here for Christmas
M: I know, but if anything happened driving down there, or you guys up here... I would rather just know you are safe.
K: ok we will play it by ear but we really want you down here with us! Bring Tom and the boys..... he can drive,,,,,,

Off we went,, we were going to take my car but with the winter storm watch that was pretty much state wide, we took his truck, thank heavens!  The roads were great on the way down, a little wet, no snow falling YAY!! *not too bad on the way home either, except between Filmoore and Nephi*

We got there Friday, and just relaxed and watched movies.  Saturday we got up and did a few last minute things that needed to be done before the stores closed. 
Jake came over and we had lunch and played games,, Cards Against Humanity,*yes it really is one of our favorites*, Kenz and Jeff introduced us to Cranium,, hahaha, we seriously just laughed so freaking hard.
Then Kenz and Jeff went out with Jeff's mom to a Christmas Eve Service, Tom and the boys hung out at the house, (gotta love stomach issues! :-( ) And I ran to Jacob's inlaw's to see my sweet daughter in law and her family.  When I got back to the house, Kenz, Jeff, Christie, Tom and I went and looked at Christmas lights,, there are some St George Peeps that KNOW how to do lights! Seriously impressive!!! We got back to the house and opened our Christmas eve present,,, Thanks Smiths for Jammies at 70% off!!

Christmas Day was amazing, we had yummy cinnamon rolls for breakfast and waited for everyone to wake up, while Kenzie started preparing an A-MAZING dinner!!   Ham with a cranberry honey glaze,,, OMG YUM, homemade scalloped potates, greenbeans and bacon, and homemade cream corn.  Christie got there and we opened presents.... serious spoilage going on all over the place!!

Jake and Emily came over and we ate an early dinner, so the four of us wouldn't be driving back in crappy weather, and there was even time to play another new game,, battle of the sexes,,, OH MY HELL!!!!  if you don't have this game, you need it!!  it is HILARIOUS!!

It was so much fun... the love and spirit that was there was incredible.

As much as we missed Todd and Levi, their presence was definitely felt.... especially when I playfully punched Jake in the chest, inadvertantly breaking his Dad's rayban sunglasses he has had,,, a few minutes later, Todd's facebook account got spammed or hacked or whatever, and "HE" posted an add for rayban sunglasses!  We laughed at how ironic that was.

It was definitely a very funfilled weekend, full of love, happiness, making new memories, sharing old traditions, and just feeling at peace,, complete and utter peace, for the first time, with all of us together,, <3 <3 <3

I didn't want it to end...

From our house to yours,,, we wish you all all the best in 2017!  May God's grace and Love be felt all year.